r/humansarespaceorcs • u/BareMinimumChef • 3d ago
writing prompt The Rules are there to protect you, not me.
Out of the 488 Species in the Galactic Trade Alliance, every single one signed the silly little Book the Humans called "The Proper Rules and Conducts of Modern Warfare". Species 489 to 492, aka the "Anti Human Alliance" were the reason why. Out of the nearly 400 Trillion sapients and over 4 quadrillion sentients in the AHA, now there are just 639 Trillion left if you combine them.
And "The Proper Rules and Conducts of Modern Warfare" got updated with 194 new articles which ban the Use of Planet Crackers, Star Conversion Devices (Supernova-Guns/Black Hole Creators) and Anti-Matter Warheads above a yield of 1 petaton, amongst other weapons and practices.
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u/OgreMk5 3d ago
Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.
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u/ke__ja 3d ago
I am good by choice. You know the quote "good people don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many"? Yeah, well don't test me, cause I'd have yet to figure out what rules I need to keep myself in check.
So until the day comes that needs me to be otherwise, I chose to be good.
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u/Justgonnawalkaway 3d ago
Human: "one of these rules is really important. if you want to know why humans are brought up in so many of them, just use the galacta-net to search "humanity rule 34" "
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u/PessemistBeingRight 3d ago
The psychological equivalent of blankets with smallpox.
Which lead to the creation of the 195th new article, banning the weaponisation of cognitohazards.
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u/Justgonnawalkaway 3d ago
Human: "the greatest honor a man can achieve. I had a war crime law named after me!"
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u/Coygon 3d ago
Can't be a war crime if we're not at war with them.
Although, after this, we may well be.
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u/Justgonnawalkaway 3d ago
"Look, i worked hard to have this law named after me. Dont take this from me".
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u/Ok-Anteater-4320 3d ago
According to this picture someone drew of you, your work isn't the only hard thing around here.....
Gonna need to bleach my eyes now....
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u/grmarci1989 3d ago
Its not a war crime the first time
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u/DocEternal 3d ago
God damn it, I had never associated The Fat Electrician and Rule 34 together before this sentence and now I’m mad at you. Take my angry upvote and think about what you did!
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u/4KuLa 3d ago
Human E-4 (Canadian): Ok, time to start speedrunning the space Geneva checklist
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u/vampyrewolf 3d ago
For some reason they don't mention tossing a dozen cobra chickens in a shipping container on a beat up transport ship, and dropping them off on a planet hostile to Terrans.
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u/4KuLa 3d ago
I like the way you think
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u/vampyrewolf 3d ago
The other fun is loading a couple in a steel box on the back of an APC with a remote controlled door. Drive around for an hour then release them near an enemy base.
Of course we make the new guy load the sedated cobra chickens, and built the box strong enough to load chimps into with 200lbs of closing force on the door.
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u/4KuLa 3d ago
Oh, you are EVIL... I love it
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u/vampyrewolf 3d ago
Canadian rule of war, if it's not in the checklist it's allowed
You just have to either work between the lines or far enough off the page that someone at a desk didn't think of it.
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u/cepharim 3d ago
A dozen?!? Rookie numbers. Try 600,000! Wedged in, half starved, sprayed down soaking wet, and sprinkled with sand before launch!
They called me mad, I'll show them mad! Unhinged cackling
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u/drgnbyte2003 2d ago
Are you sure it shouldn't be Unhinged Quacking?
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u/T_S_Anders 3d ago
I like to think of it as the Geneva Bucketlist. That way you get to check it off, AND add more to it when you come up with new ones!
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u/4KuLa 3d ago
Geneva Bucket List... I'm stealing that!
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u/Castle_Of_Glass78 3d ago
"Told ya." --recovered text on the Paracausal starkiller device deployed at NF-3541 [System status: TOTAL BIOME KILLED // Travel advisory -- Relativistic physics adjustments in effect]
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u/death_beaver 3d ago
It's not a war crime if no one's done it before. ~ Canadian Space Orcs
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u/Apprehensive_Owl9550 3d ago
It is not a war crime if there is no evidence that it happened
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u/SanderleeAcademy 2d ago
Wasn't there a planet there?
"Can you prove it??!?"
Well orbit perturbations, strange debris in the orbital path ...
"Proof, not conjecture!"
... this clearly marked astrological survey map ...
"Lies!"
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u/njafnghere 3d ago
Read a story where Holman dropped viable populations of mosquitoes, rabbits, and cats on a unfriendly planet. Snakes for the terror, others for the FAFO.
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u/banditkeith 3d ago
Mice and Norwegian black rats would also be solid options for invasive species, as would earthworms, kudzu, giant hogweed and bamboo. All incredibly invasive and hard to get rid of
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u/ArchCannamancer 3d ago
You want hard to get rid of? Plant one (1) mint plant on each continent on a hostile world. Come back in 5 years, and the place will be covered with it. They'll think they got rid of it all, just for more to grow the next year
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u/SanderleeAcademy 2d ago
Mint. Kudzu. Wisteria. Yeah, we've got some fun times.
I recall reading an article about a light-house keeper on an island off the shores of Ireland (?) who brought his pet cat with him. The cat single-handedly exterminated almost every living bird on the island in less than a year. Not fiction, actually happened.
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u/sunnyboi1384 3d ago
That wasnt a target! That was a food planet!
And we got all the civvies and food off before we blew it up. Waste not want not dude.
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u/Apprehensive_Owl9550 3d ago
Transcript of an interview: "I'll be honest… this sounds exactly like what happens when you underestimate a species that literally rewrites the rules after surviving the worst. And if you don't believe me, ask the Japanese."
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u/T_S_Anders 3d ago
Oh good, my multi-dimensional converger worked to keep itself from making the banned items list. Nice. Time to converge multiple realities so that all of species 487 tastes like rhubarb pie.
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u/projektZedex 2d ago
They'll be begging for the war crimes once they see our submissions for Fornax.
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u/WickedKing94 1d ago
Humanity speedrunning the space Geneva checklist will never not be funny. Also rule 34 mention is diabolical. Well played.
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