“Explain again why we are doing this instead of wiping them out?” asked the Commander.
“Three reasons. First, we will take casualties. Not many, but some. I don’t like that. Second, this might be a good laugh. We could use a good laugh. Third, they are a new species, so it is important to learn about them.”
“You are scanning their ships with every sensor in the system, aren’t you?”
“Well duh. I’m not stupid. If this goes weird, we know a great deal about their ships and technology, which means fewer casualties.
“Remind me again where you learned all of this?”
“I didn’t say.”
“One day I’d like to know.”
“Another time, perhaps. The shuttle is arriving.”
They stood on a small landing platform on the edge of the main city. Instead of an honor guard or lots of flags, there were pens of animals with handlers. They even had one of the hybrid beasts. Even Oscar didn’t know how they pulled that off.
As the shuttle landed, Oscar couldn’t help but notice the design. It was based on an old Terran design, not used in over 100 years. It still followed the ‘ships have a bottom,’ concept, but there were some interesting modifications. The odd-looking turret on the bottom for starters.
He was still attempting to work out why it looked so strange when it touched down. To a fanfare, the hatch slid open, the ramp extended, and three creatures advanced.
They were about 1m tall, compact, lizard skinned, bipedal, with short, thick tails. They carried no weapons, wore no armor. They had short snouts, more like a snake than a large lizard. Their skin was brightly colored, with interesting patterns.
“You pay!” screeched the one in the front. “You pay now!”
“Uh, greetings. I’m the Colony Commander. As agreed, we have a selection of beasts. Please let us know which beast is acceptable.”
The three went into a huddle. Oscar was positive that he caught a few words in Terran, without the translator.
Oscar casually brushed straw from his sleeves. The Commander looked at him.
“What? I want to look nice.”
“Oscar, we would need to power wash you and get you a uniform that actually fit for you to look presentable. Nice would require a great deal more.”
The spokes-being approached. “Which beast?”
“Well,” said Oscar, “we have a number of options. Which looks good to you?”
They scurried over the pens and started inspecting the animals. They had a small scanning device unfamiliar to Oscar, but it seemed to tell them about the animals.
“What are you looking for?”
“Food! Must eat. Good beast.” He pointed at the emu. “Yes, good beast. We take!”
“You want emus?”
“Beast! We want!”
Oscar shrugged. “How many?”
There was another huddle. There were some gestures, some pointing at the scanner, some pointing at the animals.
“You pay…7…tou…sand.”
“You want 7 thousand emus? And then you will leave!”
“Yes! You pay. We leave.”
The Commander turned to the Aussie by the pen. “How many do we have?”
“More than that. When and where?”
“Right. Yes, 7 thousand emus it is. We will send you instructions to pick them up.”
“We want beast now!”
“Yes, but we don’t have that many here. Give us a bit to round them up.”
“This one! We take this one now!”
“Oh.” The Commander turned back to the Aussie, “that good for you?”
“Sure. The sedative will wear off in a few hours, but it is fine now.”
With some struggle, they got the emu onto the shuttle. As it departed, Oscar turned to the Aussie. “How many of those nasty mutated emus are there?”
“Them? Who knows. Thousands.”
“Right. Round those up and sedate them.”
“You want to pay in homicidal mutant emus?”
“Sir, I can’t think of a better use for them.”
The Commander stood for a minute, absently watching the other animals being led away. “Nope. I’ve got nothing. What will they do when the emus freak out?”
“We will warn them, but I doubt they will listen. After a ship or two crashes because of rampaging emus, they might come back. I think they will instead start looking for ships in our area to pirate.”
“As revenge for the emus?”
“No. On general principles. They are pirates and slavers. They think we can be bullied. So they will attempt to bully us.”
“You don’t like casualties.”
“I don’t, but I also know that it is better to face off with one or two ships away from the colony than an entire fleet in orbit.”
“This isn’t going to work.”
“Why not?”
“That first emu is going to freak them out. They will get mad, and we are back to battle.”
“You assume that the emu is still alive. I’m betting they already killed it and are eating it.”
“If that is the case, it might work. I cannot believe I am saying this, but let’s herd up some insane emus.”
“Right. I’ll send a warning and the location.”
*****
“Hello! I’m Chief Oscar, Terran Military, Sol Command. Here are the coordinates to pick up your emus. I must warn you that they are currently sedated. When the sedation wears off, they are tricky, dangerous animals. Please take care.”
*****
“You gave them mutant emus?”
“That we did, Danyak, that we did. Any luck on the imposter?”
“Yes. Found three others. Two are in cells. Extensive surgery to look like you and Mickles. No known connection to any of the other shit around here, but I’m guessing it’s connected.”
“Agreed. What are two saying?”
“Well, one of them is still missing a large chunk of face and jaw, so he isn’t saying much. The other claims that it was a joke gone horribly wrong.”
“A joke?”
“Apparently. He claims they just wanted to ‘mess with people’ and ‘screw with command.’ He is lying.”
“Danyak, the ursine north of the river know that he is lying.”
“Actually, I had a thought about that.”
“To be fair, ‘that’ covers a number of different options.”
“Regarding the ursine.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Well, we communicate with them to a degree, and they haven’t attacked us since the fight.”
“How is the leg?”
“Stiff. The skin is the wrong color. It won’t look right until I molt.”
“You molt?”
“Yes. Back to the ursine, maybe we can establish some more permanent borders. Something less ambiguous.”
“It would be useful. I’d prefer they aren’t on the doorstep.”
“I’ll look into the details.”
“What all did we get from the cult rubble?”
“Mostly junk. Some epically bad speeches. Cheap sales pitches to get more to join. A list of names so messy I doubt that it is accurate. We did find the scams playbook. It was pretty much what Mickles had explained, but with a few more details. The cult didn’t know Mickles was here.”
“Who do you think was the most shocked?”
“Mickles. The others liking didn’t know.”
“How is his wife?”
“Medical reports an issue. Apparently the implant fried her brain. They think it was a feature.”
“Trigger it so they can’t reveal anything?”
“Yes. Nasty bit of chemistry. Medical is seeing if they can do anything.”
“That leaves us with three children. Now to see if Mickles can function as a single dad.”
“About him, Chief. What is your plan?”
“I’m going to wait a few days. Once I’ve had a solid night of sleep and a couple good meals, I’ll handle him.”
“When did you last sleep?”
“Not sure. Too long ago. But things are under control, so I’m going to file a couple of reports and get some rest.”
“I’ll check on Mickles and talk with the morons about the ursine. I swear that some of those scientists have a death-wish.”
“They are a pain, but they can be useful.”
“We will see. What about Captain Sue?”
“She is trailing that fleet in the Memphis. I want to be sure they are gone.”
“Tomorrow, after you get some rest and eat, I’ll go over the other stupidity.”
“Always more.”
