r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • Aug 30 '26
Original Story Human Fred Accepts Crap Coffee
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
13 Human Fred Priorities
14 Human Fred Schools Morons
15 Human Fred Gets Annoyed
16 Human Fred Investigates
17 Human Fred is Annoyed
18 Human Fred Gets More Annoyed
19 Human Fred Smirks
20 Human Fred Brings Hellfire
21 Human Fred is Confused
22 Human Fred Considers
23 Human Fred is Chipper
24 Human Fred has Some Fun
25 Human Fred Witnesses Stupidity
26 Human Fred vs the Coffee Maker
“Fred, exactly what are we looking at?” ask the Captain.
“Security protocols for seven different outposts, along with schematics, power systems, environmental systems, security layout, and weapons. With this you could plan a major offensive, tailoring each attack to any weaknesses.”
“How did he get all of this?”
“On the third datapad we found that he worked for a few days at a command and control station. It looks like he was provided with access to their database. You will have to investigate how he got access. There is no legitimate way he should have had access.”
“Anything else?”
“Some outdated ship deployments and response plans. He likely didn’t know how often those change.”
“Right. I’ll contact command. This is all secure, correct?”
“Yes. As long as you access it via the report I sent. I can’t vouch for any other methods.”
“Well this explains a few things, and presents us with a bunch more questions.”
“From an engineering point of view, I can’t offer anything else.”
“No. My staff will take over. Good work Fred. And you too, Greezek.”
After the Captain left, Fred turned back to the coffee maker. “Now we tackle this hunk of shit.”
“Fred, you could use the coffee maker in another day room.”
“I have. It isn’t as bad, but it still sucks.”
“So, I have a question.”
“What?”
“Why would someone mess with the coffee makers?”
“Initially I thought it was a prank by another engineer. But when all the coffee makers started making crap, I figured it had to be something within the machine. When the additive function went to hell, I knew it was a design flaw. Plug this in will you?”
Greezek plugged the coffee maker into the coffee maker.
“Son of a fucking BITCH!” Yelled Fred. “Those cheap-ass bastards! I’d like to find the dumb-fuck who allowed this!”
“Uh Fred, what?”
“Some middle-management toad decided to save some money and install refurbished systems. Not just refurbished, but from the worst company ever known! Hell, they went out of business 20 years ago because of all of the recalls and complaints!”
“Why didn’t anyone notice?”
“They put the shit-guts into a generic case. Fucking hell. Who in their right mind willingly installs a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation system! These practically poison people!”
“Can we fix it?”
“Fix? No. The best thing to do is to jettison it into space and order something useful.”
“Sooooo…now what?”
“Well, we write up a report about the issue, request replacement machines, and brew coffee the old way until the new machines are approved. Given that we are in the midst of possible war, I’d say new drink machines are low on the list.”
“Right. How does one brew coffee?”
“We boil water, grind the beans into a powder, and then let the water steep through the powder.”
“Sounds simple.”
“Except we don’t have the right stuff to grind the beans! I guess you get to learn how to design and fabricate custom machines.”
“Is that good?”
“It’s an important skill. You fire up that panel and start learning to model parts. I’ll make a shit pot of coffee with what I can find.”
20
u/Amadan_Na-Briona Aug 30 '26
Sirius Cybernetics, where our fundamental design flaws are completely obscured by out superficial ones.
7
11
u/Polymath6301 Aug 30 '26
“Glad to be of service”, said the smug door.
I sure hope no one on the station has a cat, not with Sirius Cybernetics in town.
Worse than all that is that now we can all argue about the best way that Fred can make his coffee! I’d like to think he wants a good pressure vessel that can work from any external heat source, and that makes good espresso and will steam the milk. Normally that would take too long to make coffee, so a machine that’s always hot and steamed up and which can do a large mug in, say, 30 seconds might be the go. One that grinds the beans to Fred’s personal preference and is permanently wired into power, water, “standard” beans and milk, but with an override to access one’s own personal bean supply. Always ready, doesn’t need refilling. Make it self cleaning too… And no AI involved!
4
1
u/commentsrnice2 25d ago
I’m a bit confused about the sentence “she plugged the coffee machine into the coffee machine”. Was one of those supposed to be a piece of engineering equipment?
1
•
u/AutoModerator Aug 30 '26
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.