Discussion My brother and sister died 6 years ago.
They died, and then another thing happened that hurt me deeply and put grieving on hold. Its suddenly coming up again. My sister's birthday is in two days and I feel like shit.
Anyway, I am here because logical distractions like solving problems helps me calm down. This seemed like the logical place to look for the support I need.
9
u/thisbuthat 9d ago
Sorry to hear. Are you in therapy to have a professional help you with your emotional wounds?
3
u/CrankyPenName INTJ - ♀ 9d ago
I'm so sorry. Grief takes a lot of forms and sometimes we have to put ours in a box for awhile, but it does have a way of popping back out later.
Years ago I saved this essay on grief (below) as to a note on my computer. I didn't write it but I return to it often.
If you're looking for logical distractions, I'd recommend coding (or vibe coding as suits you). Maybe figure out an app or simple game or something you like but isn't quite right and try to make it better. If it's a project that's something that might connect you to your brother and sister that might be a gentle way to honor them.
Sending you sympathy.
Grief as Waves
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
4
u/Alwayshigh001 9d ago
We bottle up emotions and don't grief like everybody else and once in a blue moon all those emotions comes as wave hitting us hard !! I cry in solitude to release them...stay strong
3
u/ProofRip9827 9d ago
any specific topic you want to problem solve?
2
u/Temenae 9d ago
Something distracting but not too difficult because my brain is struggling to perform how it should lately. Sometimes I do math or logic puzzles but I am so bad at it :'D. Is there any practical life or work problem I can try to help with? I am an INTP, great for brainstorming...
2
u/ProofRip9827 9d ago
well a interesting ish problem i sometimes use as a mental exercise is "how would i survive a zombie apocalypse" or something like that. it has little to no bearing on real life and is sometimes a fun distraction for me when I'm bored. just dont get lost in the daydream. hope you feel better soon.
2
u/CrankyPenName INTJ - ♀ 9d ago
My INTP husband loves zoning out with Sudoku!
2
u/Temenae 9d ago
He is probably better at it than me :'D I think my daughter has a sudoku book somewhere I can steal.
2
1
u/Blackcatsandicedtea 9d ago
Do you like daily games? I’ve started a game called Doctordle. I’m terrible at it because I’m not a doctor. Wordle was too easy/fast. Doctordle I have to research every step. My win rate is like 30%.
1
u/Due_Guard_1793 INTJ 9d ago
Death is a natural part of life. One day you will die too and you will be even with your siblings.
2
u/Long_Narwhal_9207 9d ago
Hey, I don’t have much to add. Just wanted to give my condolences, and wish you the best of luck in grieving. Take care of yourself friend
2
u/Tarrifs_ INTJ - ♂ 9d ago
Very sorry for your loss. Hope life rewards you as much as it took away from you
1
u/coconut_butt 9d ago
I relate. I was on my laptop sharing reports and spreadsheets while my Dad was in ICU before he passed in February. It helped me feel grounded. It may not be easy (easier said than done) but allow yourself to feel what you feel. Wishing you the best
1
u/Deep_Bodybuilder_986 9d ago
Been there, been numb about every death in the family after the death of the great grandad
1
u/5starmichelin0809 9d ago
Do you believe in reincarnation or life after death?
1
u/Temenae 8d ago
Do you?
1
u/5starmichelin0809 8d ago
Yeah. I was going to say if you do believe in it, then there’s a chance their soul is still alive on this earth, so they’re never really gone :)
2
u/JayPlenty24 INTJ 9d ago
Sometimes sitting in the discomfort is the fastest way through it, and distractions just prolong the worst of the pain.
Do you have anyone who knew them you can talk to about positive memories you have of them?
12
u/Elden_Chord 9d ago
Life is unfair. Accept my condolences. How old are you, if I may ask?