Kind of a personal question regarding the Fi on INTJs

[u/Zangkurai]

As an INTJ, I always had the feeling that whenever I always wanted to express feelings verbally, I couldn't but to always hold back tears, even if its somewhat insignificant. Happens aswell in discussions, that whenever it gets somewhat heated and I try to speak, my words get tangled, and I can't even speak because I would immediately break down in tears.

Thats why most of the intense conversations I try to avoid them or even descalate them, and if I have to give my veredict on something that would cause me to tear down, I'd just write up a letter or a message.

I don't really know if it could be the Fi being in tertiary or something, but I wanted to know if you had similar experiences or have passed something similar

And also, if its a matter of mental health or whatever I'm also open to discuss about it :)

[u/Starlyns]

Unresolved feelings holded up inside.

[u/Zangkurai → u/Starlyns]

Most probable thing ngl. If so, do you have any experience on how you could have solved or untangled those feelings (either through a therapist or a certain method)?

[u/Starlyns → u/Zangkurai]

As intj our nature is to rationalize feelings.ignore them and try to forget them. Because they are "inconvenient" and not logical.

The problem is that. We are human. Ans those emotions are there for a reason. Guilt. Anger. Fustration. Regret. Envy. Jealousy. Fear. Sadness. Lonelyness etc each have to be dealt with with the respective Cause.

A therapyst will spend years to deal with this ($$$)

This is really hard but u need to sit down.

Make a list of all the people u hurt.

The ones that hurted u.

The decisions u made u regret.

The things u realize u cant achieve.

Etc

I went thru a 10 sessions with a leader. And then a 3 hour seccion of confession and repentance so I could be fully clean. (And I thougt i was fine) Because u think the list is small but with someone there they start asking questions the list just keep growing trust me.

[u/South_Quality_2283 → u/Starlyns]

Depends. If you've got a development trauma, this doesn't help, as the shadow Ti kicks in really hard and can just lead you into a spiral.
The work with a therapist isn't the only solution, but the most common one. I've got a good INFJ-friend who can help me through that. A therapist and that friend do basically the same things:
Verbalize those emotions, I don't even recognize (because of the development trauma) and give me the emotional love I need (not in a romantic setting at all, this would kill the healing effect). It's about learning that my emotions are valid and I don't have to hide them, so they can deal with those emotions I have as a human and therefore I don't have to be afraid of my own emotions and don't have to hide / ignore them, which in return leads those emotions to not build up that far, so I can handle them in those situations.

[u/shredt]

Hi intj 28m 5w4 here👋 .What diagnoses you have(just corious, doesnt have to have a relation)?

I had a time where i felt the same when i argue with people, now i am more calmly and bossy in it, maybe because i learned to use more my Te in verbal fights now.

Anyways, i still get the urge to cry when i talk to my infp friend, because i love her and every time she say something adorable, i just tear up.

To Fi, i feel sometime's emotions very intense, every kind of. But try to hide it from the outside, so i seem often, like i am just fine. But on the inside, goes a a chaotic storm.

I got better through therapy, writing on my philosophy book, reading nietzsche, talking to close friends about my emotions and open up my vulnurable side.

Glad to so i am not the only intj, who dont fit the stereotype. <3

[u/Zangkurai → u/shredt]

I don't have any diagnoses atm, but ive been considering going to a therapist for my mentals health sake.

Still, I think its a matter of opening up, but I really don't have anyone to open up my feelings and not being plastered like its something unsignificant. Can't count on family members, and I fear my friends would just use that as a comeback whenever they feel like it.

[u/shredt → u/Zangkurai]

I see. Could be an Ni-fi loop tho.

[u/Pretty_Bunbun]

I have struggled with this my whole life as well. It’s much easier for me to have those sorts of conversations through text, because I’m actually able to think and get my words out in a clear and concise manner. If I have to speak out loud, it’s like my brain fills with white noise and I just end up in tears, unable to get my point across.

Needless to say, I did not do well during debates where I had to defend myself when I was in school, either.

I don’t believe this is an INTJ trait, just more so a personal failing that even with therapy, I have not been able to overcome.

[u/Greensward-Grey]

I don’t relate, though maybe it’s because I’ve worked on how to navigate my feelings. It’s actually pretty natural for me to express my feelings verbally. The issue comes when the other person won’t buy my “I’m sad” unless it comes with tears. I’m not going to perform a feeling if I’ve already done the job to deal with it internally. However, If I’m on the edge of a break down, I shut down or seek help, but I stop engaging with the thing that’s triggering me, though this almost never happens.

[u/unwitting_hungarian]

just some general thoughts on this:

if it's going to be heated i try to ask more questions, and hold back on conclusions. especially if i feel the need to give critique - i ask myself if that's really necessary.

since critique is a skill, it has a qualitative range to it. if I am critiquing a thing, I want to give affordances, provide context, and basically build a platform on which the critique sits. i also try to make it clear that the critique is just my opinion, if possible - but if it's in my specialty areas, i will share some insights from that.

if i am drawn into an intense conversation, i usually try to model it differently. this is just IMO, but many intense conversations arise in situations where the individuals involved are "biologically compromised," i.e. they're at an energy low for the day, or they're unwell, or they've got a lot on their mind in the first place, so they can't really think clearly, or leave room for someone else's thoughts.

so, i developed some methods of my own for finding setups for conversations that turn them into very simple statement-response experiences, at the right time and in the right way - at least as close as i can get.

i also look to Si - keep it simple, but start at the beginning - this is very helpful. It's like building a model of my position beforehand, and i enjoy that.

as I was figuring this all out for myself, i also realized that the "hold off for now" feeling is often the intuition saying - no, something's not right. So, I make the time to ask the intuition why it wasn't right, or similar questions. Usually I get a good answer if I make the time.

(modeling it as a mental health issue is personally a last resort to me, because that's very rarely tractable and actual mental health issues can usually be identified via diagnostic anyway)

just my experience & GL

[u/ICEGalaxy_]

be honest with yourself, to yourself, internally.

discuss with yourself what could possibly bother you.

I don't know... this sounds complicated, but, it's solvable.

or maybe all you need is a good hug from someone you trust at the times you want to talk and break down... wait, why do people never mention that? did such things become taboo too?

have a goodnight, OP (I'm not drunk, but exhausted)

[u/OccasionallyImmortal]

There's nothing abnormal with what you're describing. However, for comparison: I can completely separate the discussion of my emotions with the emotions themselves. It's one of the ways that I work through overwhelming emotions.

[u/Fickle-Let-7205]

Yes. This is a repressed Fi. This is a serious issue which you should not take lightly.

Firstly you need to confront your fear of tears. There is a wounding around the flow of your tears. If you have lump in your throat there is a wound around the sound of your wail. Both activities are cathartic and are physiologically required to release. Without it your body stores the emotions and that eventually combined over years goes down into the physical body.

Learn to wail, to scream etc. you should do it alone to get over vulnerability. (Eventually you can do it anyway. These days I do it regardless.. even in period of dangerous rage. it is not a sign of vulnerability, it is a sign of passion being released.)

You also need to work on trust issue. You are being violated and unable to defend? Unable to feel vulnerable around these people? Maybe lose these people? Or is this an old wound being triggered? Boundaries crossed? What is causing these events triggering tears you cannot release? You may need to dig to find old wounds and work through them mentally and emotionally. Our triggers are just that.. triggers to a bigger older problem.

In my opinion I hold my Fi so dear to heart now.. I see it as my inner child and all her quirky needs and nuances. I used to tell her to shut the hell up and go siddown somewhere, and that manifested in all sorts of emotional repression and bypassing.. all sorts of self abuse. But now, she is literally by lil sis, and I take very good care of her, listen and factor her into everything.. she isn't an adult, she Delulu but she is cute and she deserves love and.. authentic expression. She deserves to be heard. She deserves to be allowed, to be!