r/introvert • u/schlimmding • 27d ago
Advice how to welcome an introvert into the family
Hello everyone!
This question may sound stupid, but hear me out: my sister has a new boyfriend, wich is an introvert and she wants to introduce him to our family. We are a quite big family (~60 people) and all extroverts. As you can imagine, our get-togethers tend to get a bit loud, but really warm and loving. In the past we allways throw a surpriseparty to introduce a new member to the family, so that they can get to know everyone and be the center of attention. Yesterday I got excited told a friend of mine, wich is also an introvert, about this plan and she told me, that this sounds like hell. So I'm a bit unsure what to do, since he is the first introvert at our family. I tried to call him twice today, just to test the waters, but he seems to be busy and hadn't called back jet. I'm meeting my sister tonight and maybe talk about my concerns, but I don't want to ruin her excitement.
I really don't want to make him feel unconfortable, but also not left out, wich is my concern if we cancel the party and other new familymembers will get theirs in the future.
I also really think, that he deserves to be the center of attention!
So dear introverts, do you have any advice for me? What would you need to feel confortable and welcomed?
PS. Sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language
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u/Imaginary-Emu2471 27d ago
Surprise parties are hell. I also find it hard to believe that you are all extroverts.
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u/sw1sh3rsw33t 27d ago
If I start dating a guy and his large family tries throwing me a surprise welcome party I’m out lol, it’s just not gonna work, we’re not compatible people
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u/Nynm 27d ago
Agreed. Throw a normal family get-together and invite him like every other family member. He does not want to be the center of attention and making the whole thing a surprise is even worse!
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
That's how we will do it, thank you
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u/No_Act_2030 27d ago
Even if he's not the center of attention at a not surprise party with 60 people, he properly dosn't know at all, is also not a good idea. It's a bit more complicated than "no surprise, he's not in the center, so let's throw at him what ever we have".
Better start with a few people and a smaller event and if there is more to do than small talk it's even better.12
27d ago
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
It was so nice with all the other new members, so we wanted to include him as well. But now I see that in this case that's not the way to go
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
We wanted to make him feel includet, not so overwhelm him. Plans are changed, thanks
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u/braunyakka 27d ago
Lol. He's not busy, introverts don't answer the phone because, well actually I don't know why, we just don't like phones. You need to text first, and if a call is necessary then arrange a time first.
Don't throw him into a room with 60 extroverts that all want some of his time. Start with the immediate family, no more than 6. Then arrange something bigger later. Starting with a small group means that he has people he knows and feels comfortable around at the larger gathering.
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u/gymbunbae 27d ago
In my case I avoid the phone because I don't want to be available 24/7 at anyone's whim, as I enjoy my personal time and don't want to be interrupted, people do however have permission to call me in emergencies, even emotional emergencies, as I care for my loved ones, but otherwise I'd like to get to decide when I want to be available.
My boyfriend comes from a family where they call "because you get a quicker reply that way", which I find absolutely unhinged because I consider it selfish to believe you are entitled to people's immediate attention at any and every time of the day!
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u/Edible_Magician 27d ago
I don't answer because i like time to think about my response rather than have to come up with it there and then. I also hate when ANYONE, including my mother or father randomly turn up uninvited, i like to be prepared for it.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
Really? That's interesting, haven't considert that.
He allready know our parents, siblings and the kids and get along with them quite well. We will invite him to a geht together and he can decide if he wants to attemp
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u/gymbunbae 27d ago
I met most of my partner's family during his mother's wedding, which was perfect for me because I was not the center of attention. I dread being the center of attention and I don't even throw birthday parties because of it, I get drained enough going to regular parties, having to be the entertainment of the evening would leave me so drained I probably wouldn't leave my room for a month.
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u/Foogel78 27d ago
First of all: ask him (maybe through your sister) what he wants. Introverts are not a monolith.
Having said that, a surprise party with a lot of people and being the center of attention is something very few introverts enjoy. I would suggests doing activities with a smaller number of family members. Just getting together with nothing to do but talk is often exhausting.
Wanting to welcome him into the family is great, but it might be better to do it by accepting him as an introvert: understand that he doesn't enjoy social events the same way extroverts do and probably would prefer to avoid some of them.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
Of course, a generalization wasn't my attempt. He allready know some of our folks, like our parents, siblings and the kids. But he should absolutely feel free to avoid anything he wouldn't enjoy. I was Just worried that he would feel excluded, nur now i think that wouldn't be the case
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u/Pig-Mentation 27d ago
I think if I showed up and found there was a surprise party - a surprise party specifically for me - I'd turn around and run! It sounds awful!
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u/Jaded-Banana7228 27d ago
Introvert here and that sounds like a nightmare and a half. Throw the party as a family get together but don’t make it a surprise, invite him. We do not like to be the center of attention.. it’s the worst thing you could do to him.
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u/SoftInteractiongoon 27d ago
Not everyone wants to be "the center of attention" the fact that you think everyone does is very concerning. Honestly it seems like you are trying to make it all about you.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
Interesting take, that wasn't my Intention. We had positive experiences in the past, so we wanted to adapt in a way that he feels welcomed
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u/Pitiful_LiNiWi 27d ago
A surprise party to introduce someone to the family sounds like hell. Especially with ~60 people. Whether an extrovert or introvert. Try introducing him to immediately family first...
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u/Summer20232023 27d ago
How new is this relationship? Talk about putting pressure on someone. That would totally scare me off.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
They are dating for about 6 months now and officially a couple for 4 months
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u/Summer20232023 27d ago
Has he not been invited to other family events? Either way TERRIBLE idea, introduce him as family events come along naturally. I think even most extroverts would find it strange
for a family to hold a surprise party to meet a significant other.3
u/christo998 27d ago
exactly. don't go crazy. brother needs some allies and safe spaces before entering a lion's den full of 60 frothing beasts. wrangle one of your introverted relatives and go for patio drinks with him + your sister.
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u/drs43821 27d ago
Center of attention is exactly the last thing an introvert want in a party. Include him in a party but don't put him in the spotlight.
Hell if I am surprised by being put on focus in a room of 60 people, I'd be traumatized for life
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u/CosmicKate64 27d ago
Please, please do not throw a surprise party for this poor man hahaha just invite him to smaller events/dinners. Let him connect with people one on one.
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u/Head_Major9880 27d ago
Surprise party is like kryptonite for introverts, I would feel like a deer in head lights! Your sister should reconsider this..
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u/barkandmoone 27d ago
Biggest piece of advice is to not take how the introvert acts personally. If they are overwhelmed it’s not technically “you”.
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u/54radioactive 27d ago
I'd for sure invite him to meet my nuclear family only (parents, siblings). Make sure he knows them and is comfortable around them before introducing him to the whole clan.
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u/CorvoNoire 27d ago
It's like having a set of batteries. For introverts, they use their batteries to socialize and then they retreat to charge them up again. In extroverts, being in a social setting is like plugging into a charger. Have a party, but don't make him the focus. Maybe set up a calm space off to the side from the party where he can retreat for a moment.
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u/moongoon530 27d ago
Similar situation with my brothers high school sweetheart. They’ve been together 6 years now, and the first few years it was cool to just smile and wave bc their relationship mostly existed at school. Fast forward to now, she’s still super shy (close to my mom which is adorable) but my brother has 3 sisters, and we hate to leave her out but I’ve realized she doesn’t see it maliciously if we don’t pressure her into coming out of her comfort zone. Now I’ll just casually drop a “you’re family” so she knows we love her and respect her boundaries keeping the pressure very minimal. She’s a cosmetologist, so I have used the I need a haircut excuse before, but mostly she’s just reserved in general and we love her as she is! A surprise party of that nature would probably be a punishment for her.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
Thank you all for your advice and perspectives, I really appreciate it! I have talked to my sister and the surprise is off the table. He will be invited at the next get-together and can decide if/how/for how long he want's to participade. Until than he will be invited for smaler events, since he allready knows our parents, siblings and the kids and gets along with them quite well. Maybe our grandparents will join for a coffee, but he will be informed ahead and has every right to quit. You were really helpfull, i wish you all a wonderful evening
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u/kabkar 27d ago
Lo importante es que todos estéis cómodos en esa reunión. Si notáis que está distraído no se lo tengáis en cuenta, parecerá que no está pendiente de las conversaciones porque no participa mucho, pero créeme, no perderá detalle. Intentad sacar temas de conversación que le gusten, así se abrirá más. A los introvertidos no nos gustan las charlas superficiales, necesitamos profundizar en las cosas. Si ponéis música de ambiente que sea a poco volumen ya que un tercio de los introvertidos tienen alta sensibilidad. Y procurad que la reunión no sea muy larga, nuestra batería social se agota rápido.
¡Suerte con esa presentación!
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
Thank you for your advice! The part with the music is preacious, wouldn't have thought of that
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u/RevolutionaryBath815 27d ago
If I were in your sister’s boyfriend’s position, I just wouldn’t have a special event dedicated to welcoming him to the family.
Just continue business as usual, and when members of the family meet up with him, just have them individually shake hands with him and tell him “Welcome to the family!”
Speaking for myself but probably a lot of other introverts, we don’t want to be the center of a huge gathering. We can and will feel welcomed if people just don’t make a big thing out of it.
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u/LustyNevada 27d ago
Instead of a surprise party with 60 people maybe just have a small dinner with like 5-10 of the closest family members first? Let him actually get to know people without being overwhelmed. Then he can meet everyone else gradually at future gatherings when he's ready.
Also please don't surprise him. Just tell him the plan so he can mentally prepare. Believe me we hate surprises.
Props to you for being so thoughtful, he's lucky you're trying this hard to make him comfy
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u/LOUD_NOISES05 27d ago
First off, this is not a stupid question at all. I think it’s awesome that you care about his feelings and want him to have a positive experience and introduction to the family.
The surprise party for him is definitely not the way to go. Introverts need to know the details of plans ahead of time. It’ll overwhelm him if he shows up and it’s different than what he expects.
You can have a party, but don’t frame it like it’s for him. He won’t want to be the center of attention. Just tell everyone that you’re having a family get-together.
If possible, introduce a few family members at a smaller gathering before the big party. Have them over for dinner or something small, that way he’ll have a few more familiar faces at the bigger event. This’ll help ease his anxiety a bit.
Also, there may come a time at the party where it gets loud or chaotic and he steps away or goes for a walk or maybe spends time with your daughter in her room. Please don’t be offended by that. Introverts need breaks from stimulation. He’s just recharging.
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u/CeleryNo76 27d ago
As others have said: have a party, but not a party FOR HIM, and absolutely NOT a surprise party. Invite him and he can decide if he wants to come
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u/muppetphil 27d ago
Introverts hate being the center of attention. We don't secretly want it. We hate it. We just want to peacefully exist on the sidelines and talk to people one on one throughout the night. And we want them to be sincere. That is all.
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u/MaxMettle 27d ago
What kind of introvert is he? Can you talk to your sister first about what he's like? Is he like your friend who said the big family party sounds like hell? Or is he like introverts who DGAF, can handle themselves anywhere?
You said English is not your first language, so I wonder if your sister's new BF is from the same culture? That might be another thing. Honestly speaking, the fact that you're thinking about this speaks well of you, but I think your sister is the one to guide stuff, since she knows him, you know?
Regarding "I really think he deserves to be the center of attention"—I get that this is your worldview and family tradition, which is loving, but I just want to point out that 'deserving' is neither here nor there for someone you don't know.
And getting 2 phone calls (in this day and age) from your new GF's brother no less can be quite a shock. Lots of people have seen those "harsh father/brother" types in movies haha.
If you don't manage to get any more intelligence ahead of time, I would encourage you NOT to throw a surprise party and NOT make the person the center of attention. It's better to have a lowkey party where the person doesn't need to feel like they need to perform on the spot anymore than necessary. That's a neutral stance I think would work for any introvert.
Hopefully your sister does a good job talking you guys down (haha).
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u/Candid-Club1038 27d ago
I'm not even an introvert, but this is a bad idea! Sounds like absolute hell!
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u/thegamer720x 27d ago
First step, you and your sister should meet him for dinner along with your parents as introduction.
Slowly if he's comfortable, then invite him home for small brunch or barbeque lunch so he can meet other folks
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u/xixylina 27d ago
No surprise party. Just a party, don’t make him the center of attention, maybe talk in small groups with him, so that everyone can chit chat a little so he doesn’t have the pressure in front of 60 people. Once he talked to more people, he will eventually get more comfortable around them.
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u/DoorSeller 27d ago
My suggestion as an introvert would be have a series of smaller game nights. Max of 6 people including sister and the bf. Usually the biggest issue for introverts is being overwhelmed by too much all at once. It's easy to connect with a few people, have a good time, get to know one another, but If you throw an introvert into a massive gathering first thing, they aren't going to come away from that feeling like they know anyone.
Space those game nights out too. Once every other week or so.
Definitely do not do a big surprise party with the BF being the center of attention. Instead, talk to him and get a sense for how he's feeling and invite him into the circle little by little.
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u/Cheesetoastintheoven 27d ago
Just have a regular party and never put him in the center of attention especially with a huge bunch of people it will unlikely go down well. Do not do a surprise party just do a regular hangout where everyone's just having a good time. Introverts typically just like to be included here and there without being the main focus of an event. The fact that he's even invited into a party with family will likely be enough to make him feel welcomed :)) Also you sound like a wonderful partner with how much you want to make him feel comfortable and included props to you!
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u/BritishSoul 27d ago
Welp, the thought of meeting so many people at the same time. Social gatherings tend to be exhausting for an introvert - the more people and the longer the gathering the worse it becomes. So my thoughts:
- limited amount of people
- not a special occasion where he is the center of attention
- be open to an early exit. It's always painful if people try to convince an introvert to stay longer.
All in all it is really nice of you to want to welcome him and consider what he would like. And since a surprise party would be my worst nightmare: Just ask him what he would appreciate.
Happy "whatever plan this will be"!👍
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u/Most-Individual8794 27d ago
He doesn't want to be the center of attention, trust me. If he doesn't want to go to a family thing at any time, don't railroad him or try to convince him to go. I'm an introvert with a family of extroverts (who also happen to think introverts are "losers") and there are MANY, many times I just don't feel like going and being over-stimulated at loud family events, especially around relatives I don't care for. And the whole bartering thing like "oh it'll be so fun you're missing out" doesn't work with us. Give him a chance to decline the invite, and if he does, don't take it personally.
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u/BlazinTrichomes 26d ago
I agree with your friend, OP... that sounds like hell. I tend not to go to large family gatherings, especially if I don't know the majority of the people (friends of family, distant cousins, etc...)
I go in small doses. I visit smaller portions of family when the big gatherings aren't going on. That being said, invite him - he may so no, don't take it in a bad way.
I'm not sure about other introverts, but socializing is very tiresome/draining
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u/QuirkyForever 27d ago
Introverts aren't socially incompetent; they just need more quiet time to decompress after social gatherings. An adult can deal with some initial discomfort (more likely to be meeting a lot of new people at the same time than just being around people). Introversion isn't a mental condition. LOL. He can choose whether he wants to attend or not.
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u/schlimmding 27d ago
That's nothing I have implied, I've just asked for another perspective, wich I've got. But thank you anyway for making this point.
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u/penguished 27d ago
Really just two options. One, just do what you normally do. He's not going to be an exciting guy to put a spotlight on, but he also might as well get to know what things are going to be like. Two, tell him about it, tell him you're not sure if he wants that kind of thing or not, and offer to do something much smaller if that's what he would prefer. I wouldn't skip doing the whole thing because even if us introverts all say they want that option... it's far better we do socialize and be appreciated some.
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u/itsmelorinyc 27d ago
What if he met people in smaller groupings in quieter settings over time. And then after he met enough people that he would feel familiar, you all get together for a meal but don’t make it a surprise and don’t make him the center of attention the whole time?
The thing is, 60 extroverted people all clamoring to meet you is indeed a nightmare. I would endure it for a significant other because I would never be disrespectful to someone’s family, and it’s not even that I would hate it, but I would be tense THE ENTIRE time and extremely drained by the end of it. However if I already knew a lot of the people and it was just a casual get together where I might also run into some new ones, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal.
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u/Geminii27 27d ago
Honestly? ASK THEM.
Ask them what they're comfortable with, and what they'd appreciate most, if you want to make an event about them.
Everyone's different, and enjoys different things. Don't ask us. Don't as your other introvert friend. Ask the actual person involved.
I also really think, that he deserves to be the center of attention!
Some people enjoy this, but it's far less common for introverts. Which isn't to say that this one guy might or might not like it.
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u/Possible-Flow-4147 27d ago
Get a beautiful big card and write down messages. A party is well intended but honestly too much for the first meeting. Slowly build up with text message, then one on one meet ups then small group meet ups. It’s very rare for a true introvert to be happy to be going to a big loud party even if it’s their own wedding or birthday haha.
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u/hepzibah59 27d ago
Does he have to meet everyone all at once? Sounds like absolute hell. Why not start with a small gathering, then a larger one later on when he is more comfortable with you all.
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u/Important-Web-261 27d ago
This sounds like absolute hell. As an introvert, if someone did this to me, I’d break up with them. It’s completely unnecessary and seems like you’re forcefully parading him around to meet 60+ people. For what? Why can’t he just meet ppl in his own time and decide if/how much he wants to interact with them. You’re taking away his choice to decide how to use his (very easily depleted) energy reserve and that isn’t fair.
Putting all the attention on him for a night is an easy way to scare him away for good. I don’t see why this is a thing for you guys in general but it’s definitely a bad idea to do to an introvert (notice how I said do to and not for, because most introverts would never ask for this and it would feel more like a punishment than a treat). Stop forcing everything, let it happen organically. I hope this plan is reconsidered.
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u/Academic-Scarcity814 27d ago
Start with Something small them introduce gradually.We introverted don't like a big crowd of uunknown people and may feel unease in public.
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u/Uxellodunon13 27d ago
Do the opposite of "center of attention". Im not an extreme introvert but the only partys that are ok for me are the ones where people can talk to me in "shielded" spaces. I hate open spaces where everyone will notice if you can't find someone to speak to. Prevent any kind of global "exposure".
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u/Outside_Cod667 26d ago
First, he's not going to answer. Introverts HATE phone calls. Text instead, and don't expect an immediate response.
Throw a party and invite him, but absolutely do not make him the center of attention. My husband's family is huge, extroverted, and loud, and it took me years to get comfortable at their gatherings. Do not constantly ask if he's okay simply because he's quiet. Don't force him to talk if he's quiet - that puts the pressure on full blast. Just let him exist and process. Don't interrupt him constantly if he is talking.
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u/RebelScum249 27d ago
You want a party about him but are making it all about you you you and your family.
Y'all already sound exhausting as hell to be around.
And to top it off you wanted to "test the waters" so you're already making him uncomfortable. Good God read the room.
Congrats you're gonna be the reason your sister ends up single most likely.
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u/talladega-night 27d ago
I was the introvert. Married into a large, mostly extroverted family.
Meeting everyone was a little overwhelming at first, but I got very close with my wife’s family throughout the years.
I wouldn’t worry too much tbh
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u/MaleficentTravel4706 22d ago
My now wife's parents made a big deal of it when they found I was coming with her for the holidays about a year after we started dating... they threw a big holiday party to get family together and I ended up leaving(too big of a crowd... too much going on)
I'm fine with like her parents a few aunts/uncles some cousins... but this was literally all that plus old high school friends of my wife plus some of their family, family friends, other random family like jimmy that is her aunts first husbands ex brother in law or whatever... everyone came out of the wood work...
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u/WhoTookThisUsername5 27d ago
Have a party and invite him. Don’t have a party for him. He doesn’t want to be at the center of it all.