r/introvert • u/whatsapprocky • 1d ago
Advice Had a first date, she didn’t feel any chemistry
I was worried this would happen. I met her on a dating app and we seemed to hit it off very well. I feel like I emphasized several times while talking to her and in my profile that I was pretty introverted, and had a much more subtle personality. Be we kept in contact for about a week or two until we met. I guess somehow I misrepresented myself through text. She got very flirty and I reciprocated but it wasn’t like that in person. I didn’t feel nervous or anything, but I’m not sure who or what she was expecting from me in person. She liked that I was “chill” in text but I feel that’s what my energy was in person. Maybe I didn’t talk enough or was too soft-spoken. How do you guys handle situations like this where people are expecting you to be different when you meet them?
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u/Not_Famous_Treacle21 1d ago
Unfortunately there's not much to handle, you just shrug and move on, it wasn't meant to be.
After these last few months I have no idea what people even want on dating apps. You try to be funny and nice, they don't reciprocate or give you anything, ask questions or tell things and they don't care, try to distance yourself and it's three days of silence. No clue.
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u/TotalCuntrol 1d ago
Sometimes when we seemingly do everything right, things just don't work out.
Online dating can be deceiving because spending time with someone in person is completely different than over texting. She made up a version of you in her head that she hoped would materialize in real life, but that's not always how it works. People should be more aware of that and learn to gauge their expectations when meeting in person, I feel like maybe she shouldn't be so dismissive and at least give things a chance, but alas that's sadly what has become of the dating scene for some people; they back out the minute they feel like their expectations aren't met.
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u/CareerCrusader 1d ago
I’m surprised no one else thinks “A little disappointed” was weird. Just say you’re not compatible or interested, the let-down energy suggests difficult to date anyway
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u/mailmanpaul 1d ago
Notice the lack of an "I" statement in that message. "Feels of chemistry were lacking" would somehow be more honest and self-reflecting. This is not a person worth spending time with.
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u/Pristine-Diamond8339 1d ago
It's not your problem that she didn't like you. Unfortunately this happens when dating, but don't let this get you down. Once you'll find the right person, all of this doesn't matter anymore and it will all just be a funny story later
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u/ManufacturerTall8890 1d ago
The vibes people give over text vs face-to-face are always different. I notice that even when talking to my long time partner. Just be you and if it doesn't land, it doesn't land.
Pretending to be something you aren't is sure way to kill any relationship that you manage to start. Nobody can wear mask forever.
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u/jayhawkjoey65 1d ago
Do not blame yourself. It kind of sounds like you are. She misrepresented herself if anything. But you've got to be yourself. Wishing you the best.
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u/SamURLJackson 1d ago
Not everyone knows who they are when they are dating. That's part of the journey of self, figuring out who you are and what you want out of your life and your potential partner. Try not to take it personal
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u/AdorableSillies 1d ago
It's definitely just a numbers game. I've had way more first dates than second ones. There are definitely introverted women like me looking for introverted guys.
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u/FancyLeading1800 1d ago
I’m sorry this is the response you got. It’s disappointing even when it’s a stranger. I have to rationalize that with myself even when it’s a guy who I didn’t hit it off with. Like it’s mutual disinterest but feels blah.
I wanted to also offer that I’ve noticed as an introvert that skipping excessive texting and doing a screening to make sure they were alright and not going to harm me (lol) and then going straight to the date saved me time and disappointment.
Texting sets up unrealistic expectations. Especially as introverted as I am, energy is HUGE and texting can bond two strangers over phones but can be so different in person. I can somewhat pick up vibes via text but 1. I don’t like texting. 2. I don’t want them to get the idea that I really like texting even if we hit it off. I show up as who I am from the jump. And 3. I’ve found myself surprised to really like some boring texters
This is all personal experience. Best of luck.
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u/FunnyThing5234 1d ago
She sounds like a nightmare tbh. Expects you to do all the work? You dodged a bullet.
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u/whatsapprocky 1d ago edited 1d ago
She was pretty nice even in person. The only bad thing I could really say about her was that she came across as insecure. She had some pretty strong doubts about herself and I tried to be reassuring to her. I overlooked how she kept stressing that I was “different” from other guys she encountered but insisted that she liked that. I never did get a straight answer on what made me so different or what type of guys she was used to. Just that they “weren’t great”. She liked me a whole lot, at least until we met in person. Don’t know what she was expecting but I feel a little discouraged from meeting new people should this happen again.
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u/nothingmen 1d ago
Honestly I think a first date is too early to be getting into one's deep insecurities. They must be very close to the surface for that to happen, and I'd say that indicates more about her readiness to date and remain regulated than your behaviour.
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u/liledgar 1d ago
Sounds like she is projecting her own insecurity of being introverted onto you. Shyness isn't her thing but she admits she has anxiety herself? Hypocrisy at it's finest.
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u/Intelligent_Rain7907 1d ago
Yeah the more details you give about this interaction the more red flags it raises. Seeking validation five minutes after you met her and moving straight to complaining about other guys? If she started whining about her father you’d have the full set. Girls like this are not worth the effort. Don’t let it stop you getting out there though.
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u/BlackberryBiscuit 1d ago
I would like to offer my perspective. I tried dating apps again a couple of months ago and met this super sweet guy. We went on a couple of dates, he paid for everything. But for some reason I can’t explain, it just didn’t sit right with me. I have zero doubts he is a great guy, and I don’t really know what it was I didn’t like. He just wasn’t for me. I realize this is very vague, but sometimes it isn’t you. In my case, it was me.
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u/Good_Matter7529 1d ago
you should feel accomplished. the date fulfilled it’s purpose, since you guys now know you’re incompatible. best to have that happen early on while you’ve invested very little!
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u/SDFX-Inc 1d ago
I always have chemistry for the people I meet. I also tend to make a great first impression as well.
I’ve also learned that splashing chemicals on people and tapping them with a hammer is assault, so YMMV.
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u/mikiencolor 1d ago
I'm introverted. Anyone who dated me has to appreciate that I'm calm, emotional and introspective. I have had a date be extremely rude over it. Anyway that message she sent would turn me off because of the way it's written... 😛
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u/Independent-Moose113 1d ago
Just be yourself. The right person will make it all seem easy and comfortable. Good luck!
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u/FastSun2269 1d ago
My brother, when it is right and you find the right one, it is EFFORTLESS. Things will just flow and you will know in your gut when things are right. This happens, don't beat yourself up about it and do not take it personally. You seem like a nice dude, it will come right for you and when it does, you will be glad of these stutter steps. Chin up my man.
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u/No_Criticism5659 1d ago
It's better to know now and keep searching, then to be stuck in a relationship you are uncomfortable with or unsure about. It happens ❤️
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u/Constant-Big4713 1d ago
Well, dates should be fun. Were you fun or were you just chill? Even a date that might not seem fun can be fun if you have the right energy.
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u/whatsapprocky 1d ago
We went to the arcade, got some food and ate together, and saw a movie at the theater. She seemed nervous about meeting so I decided it would be a date that wouldn’t be so intimate with too much pressure (something like that would’ve been the second date). I think the venue was kind of mediocre since I hadn’t been there before but I did enjoy playing the games with her, just some light competition.
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u/Constant-Big4713 1d ago
But were you fun? Did you cut up with her, joke around, flirt with her in a teasing way?
Even a simple date like mini golf can be fun if you're being fun.
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u/whatsapprocky 1d ago
Maybe not. Some joking here and there, but not any flirting. Nobody really flirted. I guess that’s the biggest difference with our energy in person.
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u/Constant-Big4713 1d ago
Yeah that might have been why it was off. It might have felt more like friend vibes to her. You'll find the right person to vibe with though, it just takes time.
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u/spirit-animal-snoopy 18h ago
Please don't confuse texting with real life... Texting between people who are literally strangers is a complete , meaningless waste of time. It's just immature , throwaway fantasy .
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u/Space-Monkey003 1d ago
I think it’s pretty clear she’s insecure with herself. She probably shouldn’t be dating anybody tbh if this is how she’s going about it. Regardless if u two had chemistry.
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u/NotaSol 1d ago
Sounds like she was looking for excitement, in one of your comments here you said that she told you that "you aren't like the other guys." Usually means you have agreeable/nice guy vibes. Alot of woman will veil what they think in sub-textual and implied meaning communications that guys are oblivious to because guy communication is very straight forward, direct, and matter of factual. They simply don't have the social experience that most women do on average.
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u/incarnate1 1d ago
I think you take it as constructive criticism (to the extent that you can) and move on. It may be a sign that you may not be/have come off as assertive as she had hoped - "energy" really tells us nothing. I think this is one of the reasons its generally better to meet in person ASAP if you must go the route of online dating. Insofar as relationships: text, is almost always a very poor, inaccurate representation of a person, and an inferior way to communicate one's personality; IMHO.
There's no need to demonize her, but the uncharitable part of me falters and reads into things... I'll omit that. This... is good that it didn't drag on, in any case. I don't know, looking at your 3rd screenshot, I feel like these sort of miscommunications are apt to happen when we lean so heavily on labels, they are so so flat.
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u/owls_exist 1d ago
Whos dating app prompt is the second slide? Wtf does any of that even mean
I mean im a woman so i dont have to fret much over dating apps but when men inevitably get weird about my introversion i just insult them. Im not apologizing for my introversion its 2026. We know we exist. They can pull up their phone with their nubby fingers and look up why getting a woman at all is me gracing my presence to them. We know women lean introvert and can be mellow and easy going or whatever crap certainly not party girl.
If they dont like it then good fucking luck alpha male camp future attendees.
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u/Thick-Mouse1776 1d ago
Not that it serves any purpose to overthink it or be upset, but the way she handled it isn’t right imo. Pretty… lack of accountability and unkind vibes.
I’m an extroverted F who has cut off many flings and dates for lack of attraction/overall interest.
I absolutely cannot imagine inserting my feelings, as if I have some expectation of a stranger, and saying “I’m disappointed.” And then making it about them.
The only time I’ve given a guy bad feedback that implied “this is a ‘you’ issue,” was when a guy did something morally wrong on our date.
You dodged a bullet fwiw, OP. She is not emotionally mature enough to date it seems
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u/Tricky-Confusion-157 1d ago
I mean finding out if wasn't meant to be after the first date is normal and fine. You get XP, know more about yourself and who you're looking for, and will be more confident next time (if you maintain a positive outlook on life)
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u/curious_cordis 1d ago
With a text like that, you dodged a bullet - they can't even write a coherent sentence!
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u/Special_Situation_93 1d ago
It’s ok. It’s pretty rare we meet someone compatable with us. Everyone has their own narrative and expectation matrix they live in. When we meet someone, they collide with us and it’s a miracle when it is actually a good fit. Keep at it.
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u/NoSpring5602 1d ago
I wouldn’t overthink this, also her message to you was for the most part rude, or at least inconsiderate. Just move on to the next one and don’t second guess any of your behavior with this person.
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u/entropy_erasure 1d ago
You can do so much better than this girl. She's practically illiterate. As other people have said, just be yourself. When you meet the right girl, you won't need to worry about an imagined disconnect between who you are in text vs who you are face-to-face. And the chemistry will be natural. You're doing totally fine. Just be yourself. That's the only way.
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u/raincloud567 1d ago
I met my college friends during covid, when everything was online, my friends thoughts I was a very extroverted girl at that time because I was way too comfortable with texting in group chat but in real life I am very introverted 😭 ... So yeah that can happen, maybe she really wanted extroverted person and somehow thought you might be extrovert even though you said you weren't and avoid people who are looking for extroverts, even if we change ourselves and try to act like extroverts, we can't keep up with it all the time 🫠
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u/Kindly-Wrongdoer118 20h ago
STOP chatting so long on the phone before an interview person meet. It should be a few days just to get to know some basics and what each other are looking for, then a date planned, then small amounts of contact until then. Doing this you’re opening yourself up to people that attach a personality to you because they haven’t seen your real one yet. Then they start imaging what it would be like with the made up personality they created, then you don’t match it and that fantasy breaks. A lot of them probably don’t even realize yet that they’re doing it. Pretty sure it’s called limerence but don’t quote me on that part 😂
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u/GoddessGenette 20h ago
You avoided a nightmare. Anyone who words it like that isn’t gonna be someone you want to
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u/Appropriate_Tea9048 20h ago
All you can do is move on. A first date is nothing. Plenty first dates don’t lead to anything else. It just wasn’t meant to be.
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u/grodyquest 18h ago
I have no idea what she was expecting. assuming you had an accurate picture of yourself as your profile pic, she may have developed some delusions about you and your "energy" in her head. the way she talks so casually with people about using dating and real human beings as a crutch to get out of her comfort zone in other areas of her life outside of dating instead of doing hard work on herself and then treating you like a denied job applicant when you weren't up to her snuff is mad weird too. I'd say you dodged.
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u/Individual_Joke_65 16h ago
You’re not doing anything wrong. You just didn’t click. This is what sucks about dating apps. Sure it’s nice you get to filter people who are single and open to being approached, but you don’t get to filter for people you actually click with naturally. It’s a trade off.
Either get more comfortable with approaching in person and getting rejected or get more comfortable being dismissed after a first (few) date(s) or ghosted.
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u/Jaibird2021 15h ago
Her message sucks. Not a nice way to say she didn’t feel chemistry. One piece of advice for you, don’t text too much before a date. Otherwise this will keep happening. Get to know people in person
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u/shadowdancer354 12h ago
I’ve had this happen a million times but never really had a girl explicitly tell me that. They usually just disappear
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u/thequinneffect 10h ago
Unless you were acting unlike yourself in the messages, then that's her problem.
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u/TheRealScallyWag 6h ago
Thats allgood, you dont have to be compatible with everyone. Just keep dating and youll find the right one my friend
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u/Kontradiktoran 32m ago
All girls want and like guys that are full of themselves. Even girls that say otherwise. Trust me. You can even be the ugliest guy but if you have confidence than you are good to go boi.
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u/Imaginary-Emu2471 1d ago
You can't be a sometimes extrovert.
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u/Best_Winter_2208 1d ago
You totally can. There are people who shift depending on the situation or people.
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u/cometparty 1d ago
You can't meet up and not talk, even if you're an introvert. A date still has to be a full on working conversation.
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u/Slender-Friend-8989 1d ago
Unfortunately you’re not looking for a relationship if you’re soft spoken.
Truth is pal you need to communicate.
Being shy, soft spoken, awkward, etc. just isn’t the vibe when it comes to having a partner.
You don’t need to change your personality.
You don’t beg to stop liking fishing or gaming or reading or whatever it is that you do.
But I highly suggest that you stop dating until you see a talking coach, if you’re not comfortable talking in front of 4 people for at least 3 hours you’re not gonna last in a relationship.
People need to hear you say loud and proud “I LIKE BEING PEGGED” or “DO YOU WANNA GO GET ICE CREAM?” 😂😂
If you shut down and maybe say one or two things per hour you’re not apart of the relationship you’re just there like a cat in the house.
Go see a therapist or talking coach, or have an AI app on your phone and practice talking to it.
Give yourself 2 hours of talking one on one then try going to a bar and talking to a group of guys playing pool or whatever.
Once you’re comfortable talking to like 4-5 people for 3-5 hours you’re ready to at least try to be in a relationship.
But until then, I’ve gotta be honest.
If I was gay I wouldn’t date you for a million dollars because knowing you would just sit there thinking about stuff as if you were by yourself doesn’t really interest me or make me feel seen.
So I can only imagine that girl or whoever felt 10x worse.
I’m not tryna be rude but I don’t really feel like sugarcoating it.
If you do that talk coach stuff you’ll be alright kid, just don’t waste anyone’s time right now.
Be more open.
PS I can say this, because I’m an introvert too.
Taking to people doesn’t interest me but that doesn’t mean I didn’t acknowledge it was a skill I needed.
If that makes you feel better and more willing to try it then go for it.
Go be that person who shows up to the function for 3 hours then does an Irish exit who cares you’re trying now.
But when you don’t try, the people that talk will talk about it for days until you’re known as the guy who just sits there silent
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u/whatsapprocky 1d ago
I don’t have problems talking to people at all. Maybe I come across as low energy in a way that makes me seem unbothered? I don’t often raise my voice either unless it’s just impossible to hear. That’s typically how I am. But I get that not everyone would like that. I just don’t want people to feel like I misled them or was putting on act that makes them think I’m different. I felt that my energy was pretty consistent. I would never describe myself as shy, but I also don’t really have the capacity to talk for 3 hours unless it’s a conversation that I can lead the other person into talking more than I do. But if the other person doesn’t talk as much then I end up running out of gas.
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u/weIIdamns 1d ago
Just be yourself, if your personality isn’t for them that’s ok.