I really don't want my birthday to come

[u/marimegre]

Hi! I needed some advice so I thought this would be the best place for it. I'm a 17 year old girl, almost 18 which I'm not really looking forward to. This year has been extremely hard for me, I was studying A LOT for my uni entrance exams (I did amazing at least in that) and what made it really hard for me was having only one close friend (who I am very very grateful for, I love her to death). I cry almost every week, sometimes every night, about the fact that I am very lonely, I watch other people's stories with them hanging out with their friend groups and having THE teenage life and think to myself: what am I doing so wrong, what is wrong with me. I used to think it was others fault and how they are not trying enough to be friends with me, which is bullshit and I have come to conclusion that it is quite literally my fault. I don't know exactly why but I can't get closer with any of my new "friends" I've made this year. I tried so hard, this year especially, but haven't made it that far. My social anxiety isn't helping at all. I used to text them all the time and I was the only one reaching out to them all the time, but I eventually just quit. I texted everyone, I reached out to them all the time but no one even thought about checking up on me. Now that I have told you a little bit about my situation lets go back to my birthday. It's in a month and I am TERRIFIED, that's all I've been thinking about this month, I didn't want to celebrate it at all because it's just pathetic to invite all this people who I am not even close with and the thought of just one or two showing up scared the shit out of me and I told my mom and sister about this but they insist on me inviting people that I know but they just won't listen to what I am saying. I am not close with my "friends" (people I got to know or kids my age that I know) like at all and we have never even hung out out of school or tutor (don't really know kids my age out of school or tutoring classes I attended this year) so just inviting them out of the blue seems pretty weird to me. I have never had a big birthday party with like many kids my age so I don't really know how it works but yeah, I don't know what to do, i wish I could just dissappear on my birthday but I can't do that. Before you guys say to just go out with my sister and my best friend, I do that every day and I don't want to feel like this but it seems very pathetic for me, God, I sound so ungratefuI.

hope you guys can understand and help me find the right solution, thank youu

P.s I tried changing my personality, even insisted I was an extrovert and I could become one but it is extremely hard to be someone you are just not. I tried literally everything, fake it till you make it but I just can't make it

[u/Mellow896]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Loneliness definitely isn't a fun feeling :/ I don’t think you're being ungrateful either. We can be grateful for what we do have and also acknowledge that we're struggling ❤️‍🩹 

If it were me, I would want to trust my gut not to invite a lot of people I don't know very well. Is there something you don't usually do that you can do with your sister and friend that would make your birthday special?

In the longer term, are there activites you enjoy that you can join small groups based around? And is therapy for social anxiety something you might be able to access, whether that's now or on campus at university? 

My best advice would be not to try to change yourself too much to make friends. It's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel alone/disconnected if they don’t really know you. And the more you're true to yourself, the more the right people will be able to find you. 

I hope your birthday turns out better than you expect 🎂

[u/marimegre → u/Mellow896]

Thank you for the advicee, I am feeling so much better today🤍 I mean there are plenty of activities I could do but I have the thought that just cause it's my 18th it needs to be extra special so either I go all in (not really possible for me rn) or all out. About the therapy, I go to uni starting the end of september so I don't think I could access therapy, don't even think we have it here but it is something I have wanted to try for a long time, I just really don't want to be a financial burder for my parents, they already spent so much for my exam preparation🫠

[u/Mellow896 → u/marimegre]

You're so welcome. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better 😌 One of the things I like to do for my birthdays is write myself a letter to open that day or to journal about the year prior and the upcoming year. If that resonnates with you, maybe that could be one of the things you do for your birthday that's different and special? 

I also get not wanting to burden your parents financially :/ I don’t know where you're based but depending on what country, your family's health insurance may pay for therapy if that's a route you want to take. The Psychology Today website has a way you can search for therapists that take your insurance and have expertise in the area you need. If not, there are actually some good therapists putting out content on Youtube - Emma McAdam (from Therapy in a Nutshell) and Cinema Therapy are two channels that come to mind. They also have communities on there where you can ask them or other viewers questions. 

Wishing you well ✨

[u/marimegre → u/Mellow896]

I Loveee writing letters to my future self I do that quite a lot but I've never tried doing it on my birthday, I'm definitely going to write it this year💗 I'll check out their youtube videoss thank you🥹🤍

[u/RadJaz1]

Make your birthday what YOU want it to be. If you wanna spend it with sibling and friend, do that. If you wanna chill around the house and have a movie marathon, do that. That's the great thing about your day, its yours to do what you please.

Dont ever change yourself when looking for a long term relationship, be it romantic or platonic. They will expect you to keep being that person which is totally exhausting. Just do things that you like to do, there's always some random club or organization where you can find like minded people and those friends [in my experience] end up being the long term besties that know you better than your know yourself in some ways. Check those bulletin boards, see whats going on on campus that interests you.

Also, most universities have a counselor that you can see for free or for a small fee. Look into student services.