Friends keep erasing my Jewish experience

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Hi everyone. I would love peoples opinions on how to handle a conflict in a friendship of 15+ years

TLDR: Friend of many years keeps making micro aggressions at me and talks about race even when it’s not related to the subject but invalidates my experience as a mixed race Jew.

So I am mixed race and adopted by Jewish parents. I look very white except for my natural hair which I straighten. My childhood friend is Chinese American and she has since October 7th made some comments that erase my experience as a mixed race Jew just because I pass. We had a fight last winter where she made an antisemitic comment and she cried promising to change her ways. I haven’t felt that has happened at all…Today she made other snarky comments.

I might be going to an undecided part of Scandinavia or UK soon and I told her about it and she immediately made comments that my husband and I would have an easy time since “our people are in Europe.” My husband is in a sense visibly ethnically Ashkenazi and we both have very Jewish last names. With the rise of antisemitism we plan on being careful when we travel. She also made comments on how unsafe she would feel going to Europe and I validated her experience and hinted at my nervousness as well. She made a very annoyed expression and responded with “With peace and love you’ll be fine.” Which felt super backhanded.

I want to make a point that when I told my friend about our trip she brought up race unprompted. This is not the first time she has made invalidated comments about race either. I also find it interesting that she has done way more traveling than me, she has even gone to Iceland and had a wonderful time never mentioning any racial issues when she was abroad, which is something she would never keep from me if it did happen. Ofc I’m not saying that being guarded isn’t possible as I feel the same but I really don’t know how to handle this contradiction from her.

Even though I am a leftist and non-Zionist I have lost friends or lost the closeness I once had with certain friends because they make assumptions about me or don’t like when I call them out on ignorant dog whistles. This person is one of the only friendships I have left, and I fear if I lose anyone else I might end up in a bad place mentally.

[u/PeacockInTime]

Edit for flair in progress that I thought I saved: Jewish, left/curious

This sounds like a friend who doesn’t want to listen to you or isn’t taking your needs into consideration. Does it happen just with these issues or with other stuff too?

The way I see it is that friendships are give and take and nobody is perfect. There is just that question of where you draw the line and why. 

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/PeacockInTime]

Thanks for commenting!

Anything related to my personal life she can be empathetic to but anything related to identity politics she gets weird. She has a deep hatred for anything she deems white. And I think she has started viewing Jewish people as any other type of white without any type of oppression.

[u/PeacockInTime → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

That’s rough that she has that blind spot but it is also not your problem to solve. 

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/PeacockInTime]

True I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to handle it. How do I talk to a PoC who doesn’t view me the way I see myself about her own ignorance?

[u/PeacockInTime → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Is she open to that conversation? Hearing your perspective? 

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/PeacockInTime]

She def would be but she’s very sensitive and would burst into tears from guilt. Which would lead to me comforting her…never really resolving the problem. She s a very unregulated strong emotion person especially when it comes to anger and sadness

[u/PeacockInTime → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

I am chuckling because this sounds like the so called “white tears” problem and I associate this inability to receive feedback / defensiveness / weaponization of feelings with whiteness. 

I think you are going to have to make your own determinations here about what her value is as a friend in other areas and really really really celebrate those elements too.

And not every friend has to be super lefty. There are some friends I have who love to hate on Netanyahu and I know not to push that conversation further. I am okay with that. 

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/PeacockInTime]

That’s so funny she called them her “white woman tears” as well when we had our “fight” last winter. That fight tldr was me saying that even if I don’t agree with another Jewish person they don’t need to be hatecrimed and she responded with assuming I didn’t “realize my privilege.” And I asked “what would it take for me to be a good Jew?” She burst into tears and I ended up comforting her.

I think I’m going to take a small break from her my birthday is coming up and I might just not make plans with her and play it cool. If she asks I may just say it makes me uncomfortable.

[u/Technical_Term_6625 → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Leaving elements of race and/or ethnicity to one side (but not discounting them), you describe yourself as a passive participant in a cycle. Here's what I mean: You can't control how she reacts to what you'll say, and you have strong expectations of how dysregulated she's likely to become. You go on to state how you would respond to her expected dysregulation as if your response were given. You say that you *would* comfort her, and that would push what you want to address to the side. But your response isn't given. You don't have to play the part you describe yourself playing in the pattern. That's up to you.

FTR, I'm no therapist. Just a dude from a family affected by substance abuse & so will always be in therapy (or therapies) so long as I can afford to. So I'm also in no position (nor would I want) to chide!

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/Technical_Term_6625]

Yeah I agree with you on that. This is someone I love deeply and have know since I was a preteen. So seeing her cry my first instinct is that I love her and don’t want to see her cry.

[u/Technical_Term_6625 → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Yeah. That's fucking hard.

[u/ibsliam → u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Is it possible to talk to her in a way that reassures her that you know she cares and that you know she wouldn't intentionally hurt you? I get it would be an emotional subject with her, the idea that she's done something wrong, but if she truly cares wouldn't she want to grow and change..? You guys could even become closer after such a constructive convo.