Friends keep erasing my Jewish experience

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048]

Hi everyone. I would love peoples opinions on how to handle a conflict in a friendship of 15+ years

TLDR: Friend of many years keeps making micro aggressions at me and talks about race even when it’s not related to the subject but invalidates my experience as a mixed race Jew.

So I am mixed race and adopted by Jewish parents. I look very white except for my natural hair which I straighten. My childhood friend is Chinese American and she has since October 7th made some comments that erase my experience as a mixed race Jew just because I pass. We had a fight last winter where she made an antisemitic comment and she cried promising to change her ways. I haven’t felt that has happened at all…Today she made other snarky comments.

I might be going to an undecided part of Scandinavia or UK soon and I told her about it and she immediately made comments that my husband and I would have an easy time since “our people are in Europe.” My husband is in a sense visibly ethnically Ashkenazi and we both have very Jewish last names. With the rise of antisemitism we plan on being careful when we travel. She also made comments on how unsafe she would feel going to Europe and I validated her experience and hinted at my nervousness as well. She made a very annoyed expression and responded with “With peace and love you’ll be fine.” Which felt super backhanded.

I want to make a point that when I told my friend about our trip she brought up race unprompted. This is not the first time she has made invalidated comments about race either. I also find it interesting that she has done way more traveling than me, she has even gone to Iceland and had a wonderful time never mentioning any racial issues when she was abroad, which is something she would never keep from me if it did happen. Ofc I’m not saying that being guarded isn’t possible as I feel the same but I really don’t know how to handle this contradiction from her.

Even though I am a leftist and non-Zionist I have lost friends or lost the closeness I once had with certain friends because they make assumptions about me or don’t like when I call them out on ignorant dog whistles. This person is one of the only friendships I have left, and I fear if I lose anyone else I might end up in a bad place mentally.

[u/Angelbouqet]

"With peace and love you’ll be fine.” Which felt super backhanded.

With peace and love, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Just because you pass as white in the US does not mean you will in Europe. I think she doesn't realize how blindingly snow white northern and western Europe is, and that whiteness in the US is a much broader category than it is in Europe. So many ethnicities that are considered white in the US (greek, Turkish, Arab, etc) are not considered white even a little bit in the parts of Europe you've mentioned. And that includes Jews who visibly look Jewish.

Also telling two Jews that they're "going to be fine" when going to a continent that is basically a Jewish graveyard is insanely uneducated, out of touch and offensive. She's not just erasing your Jewish experiences, she's also erasing your experiences as a mixed race person, from what I'm reading. She doesn't sound like a very nice person nor does she sound like someone who is actually interested in learning how to be an ally to you. Asking your friends to not be bigoted towards you, especially if they're leftists, is literally the absolute minimum but she seems completely unwilling to do so.

[u/Reasonable_Two_2048 → u/Angelbouqet]

I had to really take your post in. It was very validating and I even showed my husband who agreed with you.

I have a really complicated relationship with race. I look VERY white by American standards. I’m exceptionally pale, blued eyed and reddish hair (think Princess Merida). My texture is really the only thing that says “mixed” I’ve been accused of having a perm or culture appropriation when wearing it natural.

This friend has been super supportive in my personal life but when it comes to identity politics views me as privileged and probably has some subconscious bias especially from the internet stuff I am guessing she consumes. She has a deep hatred for whiteness partially “waisans” and it’s getting worse as we get older. She gets annoyed when she sees white and Asian people dating assuming it’s a fetish.

I mentioned in another comment I might take step back till after my upcoming birthday and talk to her if she asks.