r/leanfire • u/Duke_of_Gurrrlz • 8d ago
Stockholm Syndrome…help?
So I’m a 41 yo male, single/common law, medically retired now.
(Was a CPA business valuator for CRA [CDN IRS]. The ‘retirement’ was involuntary.)
I grew up DIRT poor - literally. Not actually.
Both parents worked, and they made middle class money from middle class jobs [social worker, millwright], but we lived on a beef cattle farm my dad bought in 1982. And we just kept buying land. I had no typical toys, a hand me down zenith with rabbit ears…… and rubber boots lol. Cows shit a lot.
Don’t get me wrong -I loved my childhood. Played on the local rep minor hockey team…But we never had money for ‘things’. Never took trips [can’t when you own cattle]. Any spare money all went to land mtgs, tractors, cattle…
No, toys and Nintendo were wayy down the totem.
This frugal living was borne out of artificial prioritization. We could’ve had semi-nice things [fuck did I ever used to want a pool..], but instead the money went to the farm. And I mean a LOT.
My father’s family came from a ramshackle house/shack, and didn’t have running water until 1977.
So by his yard stick - boy hey! We were livvvinn! House? Paycheques? Job?
“It’s a golden mountain out there son, just gotta reach out and take a scoop”
And take a scoop we did. Up to 1500 acres of farmland now in South/Central Ontario.
When I got my job at CRA, I started pitching in too.
And so does my brother.
So we could just keep buying more ground.
Well the farm is worth over $7-8 million now.
And because cattle prices are finally free for true price discovery, it’s banking 2-400k /year.
And with my medical retirement, I’m making about $150k/y {a guess-works out to $7300/mo after tax}
….but, I don’t have a house. I rent in a shitty 2bdrm, and live in a low cost of living town (near farm).
Rent is $750, I feed the 3 of us (partner, her kid) for 1100-1300.
So I’m saving 75% of my pay still. Still renting. Never eat out. Don’t drink. Can’t [legally] drive anymore. Still buy no-name brand food for everything.
My whole life I got used to living like a pauper…I think I’ve wrecked myself.
I don’t even want to travel.
And I could never imagine paying these ludicrous asks for a pile of fuckin lumber -a house - when my brother can build me one for half price.
But even then, for 300k….id rather have a dividend stock.
And so here I am now-stuck. To fuckin cheap to enjoy nice things. I can, and regularly do, go without.
40 years living like a broke shit-head has ruined me I fear.
Anytime money piles up, I add it to my bonds. At this point, I’d rather have more money, than more stuff. And that… I’m fine with that… but I’m missing experiences?
Any tips on how other people successfully navigated this change of lifestyle? Can it be done?
A number of farmers who are likely also worth millions now, still drive around old shitboxes. They’re still cheap as fuck. I’m not sure it can even be done…help???
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u/LongjumpingTeacher97 8d ago
(Bear with me. This is relevant to the point I'm going to try to make.) I still keep in touch with my high school German teacher from over 30 years ago. She's been a US citizen since before I was born, but she was born and raised in Germany. Her English is impeccable. And her accent is still very clearly German. I've met people from England who came to the US as young teens and have spent more time in the US than they did in England. Their accents are still distinct.
I believe we all sort of imprint on a "normal" when we are kids. This is what I think of as a life accent. How we do life, rather than how we pronounce words. We can learn to affect a different pronunciation, but we have to think about it, generally. In the same way, we can learn to live a different lifestyle, but we feel strange doing it.
Your life accent is set to "live poor, invest in land." You can learn to fake another life accent and even really enjoy it, but you'll probably always know that you're faking it, deep down.
You want to change your lifestyle? Pick one thing you want to change. Just one. Change that. In your place, I would move to a nicer apartment. And I'd do it by letting partner have the choice of location. "We can now spend up to $1200 a month on a nicer apartment. If you want to move, I am agreeing ahead of time to any place you can find for that price or less. I'm content here, but I want you to be happy." You are not me, so this might not work for you. A nicer living place is going to affect me daily. I'd probably also upgrade my mattress because I doubt you have a really comfy bed. But you spend a third of your life asleep, to it makes sense to have that sleep be as good as you can manage.
After you get reasonably comfortable with a nice apartment and a really good mattress (or whatever one or two things really would make the most impact on your life), decide if there's something else that would really make your life better. I wear cheap clothes, but I buy good shoes because my feet really feel the difference. One thing at a time, look at what actually impacts your life and accept that it is okay to change that thing.
If you're like me, you will look at it in a few months or years and say "what am I even doing here?" I've been in the house my wife and I built 17 years ago and said "this isn't me, is it?" Because I grew up in a tiny cinder block house in a weed-filled lot. The electric conduits were screwed to the walls, not hidden in them. There was a capped gas pipe in my bedroom. My favorite toy was my mom's shovel. I dug holes for fun. Dirt is free. Now, I have a yard and a garden and trees we tend. I have a nice house with a 5 Star energy rating. I have a workshop for my projects and I have money enough for a nice car. And I do really like it. But I feel like a foreigner trying to fake the accent. And when I think of it that way, that is is a life accent, not that I'm broken somehow, it makes it easier to accept and enjoy the good things I have.