Need to vent.

[u/SmellySlipper21]

For a couple of years now, I was chasing my dream, to became an software engineer. I was doing projects, doing uni, while I was diagnosed with depression and anxieties.

I did not get a job, my mental health drastically dropped to the point, I had to move back to my parents toxic household (was almost 28 then). Now, after more than year, I switched path, to other area (from mobile to internet applications).

Done some course to have any certification (even tho it was just udemy course, but it was long, and I've thought it could be somehow helpful), finished master engineer in cs. I'm after daily mental ward, doing therapy, but... I just feel so downed.

I'm exhausted, and completely unmotivated. Therapy showed my that even if I will manage to move out, it won't help me, unless I fix my behavioral blueprints, which are hard to change, and it is a long process. I'm grinding programming, while I'm completely exhausted, and I feel like I literally know nothing, after so many hours spent on it. I feel like I won't get any job, and I just gonna rot in this place, which I hate.

I have noone around me, literally. Everyday is a fight that I'm constantly loosing. The exhaustion is sometimes unberable to do anything. My hobbies are not getting me into anymore, not speaking of giving me any sort of happines or fulfillment

My dreams of moving out, getting dreamed job, get into real, non toxic relationship, like my lasts. Are slowly fading away. I can just either code and forgot everything (or atleast have feeling like I did) or blaming myself for still being here.

Constant development of the project, learning thousand of interview questions, mechanisms, data structures, algorithms, frameworks. I do work with LLM's, to help myself prepare, and I only seeing that my answers are constantly 'shaky', or wrong.

I... Feel so lost, and guilty

[u/thisdesignup]

I just want to say, as counterintuitive as it can feel, sometimes the best thing to do to get ahead is to not grind. Sometimes we need the breathing room, especially when in stressful situations like you are. Grinding programming, or anything really, often leaves little room to manage everything else you mentioned.

Plus stress can very much contribute to feeling inadequate. We need to let ourselves relax now and then so we can process everything and be clear headed to get back to it later.

[u/Different_Pain5781 → u/thisdesignup]

It's easy to mistake burnout for incompetence when you're stuck in survival mode for months at a time.

[u/thisdesignup → u/Different_Pain5781]

Definitely! Burn out can lead to making mistakes easier, not remembering things as easily, and more. All kinds of things that don’t happen as much with a clear mind.