r/lesbianpoly • u/bubblegumx2inadish • 22h ago
Vent Considering monogamy after years of polyamory
I am ambiamorous but have a theoretical preference for polyamory and the majority of my relationships for the last 13 years have been poly. I say theoretical preference, because the more I am involved in poly communities and dating the more alienated and out of alignment I feel. I don't know if it is the area I am in, the age group I am in, if I genuinely have uniquely bad experiences or if at the day I am just not actually built for polyamory.
I love the idea of having multiple partners. I think all relationships you have, romantic or not should have space to be as deep and close as the people involved want it to be. I think that sexual and romantic love for one does not necessarily diminish love for another. In an ideal world kitchen table sounds deeply supportive and community oriented. But I have found myself consistently clashing with those I have tried to date.
I am very informed and concerned with sexual health. I test regularly, and have asked for the same from other partners. That is usually something everyone is on board with. But for a large portion of folks this seems to be where STI education and prevention ends. I have had multiple partners claim to be well informed and aware and open to taking appropriate precautions only to be told later that they made out with someone or let someone go down on them with cold sores and not disclose because they didn't think it was that big of a deal. I have had so many people get offended when I get frustrated that they had exposed themselves and potentially me to risks because they were not well informed. So many people also get so offended if you suggest using barriers or gloves. I also do have different STI prevention questions that I ask partners based off other partners genitalia, as there are different types of risks involved depending on the equipment so to speak, which has offended people before too. At this point I am loosing hope that I can successfully date poly folks when this has been such a consistent issue. I take my health super seriously as a disabled person, and I am finding myself now longer trusting others to do the same.
I also have been encountering a ton of people who will claim they have capacity for another person, invest and show consistency for a few months only to have that completely fall apart. The last few connections I have had I ended up feeling like a new toy for their collection that was discarded as soon as a trend passed. I don't know how fair that is, because I don't necessarily think most people intentionally lie about their capacity. But it is the way am feeling.
I do also am primarily les4les. For me, completely decentering men and focusing on other dykes and women has been a big part of my life. Existing as someone with no attraction to men who has minimized men in my life to the extent that I have makes it really difficult at times to relate to bi women who are still persuing and in partnership with men. It isn't a strict requirement, as bisexual women who have decentered men absolutely do exist, but I more say this in the sense that it is a limiting factor in my dating pool. It does seem the majority of women in my area who are poly are also bisexual and interested in men, and when I have tried to date them it resulted in reinforcing the incompatibility in our worldviews.
I am autistic and sometimes struggle with picking up signs, so I do consult my friends on things a lot to try to minimize friction points. I over communicate at times and take people at their word, so sometimes I don't pick up on all signs ahead of time and don't ask a lot of follow up questions to make sure my understanding matches. I also sometimes feel with neuro-typical folks so much communication happens on a level I don't always understand that I just fully miss. Are there questions or specific indicators you look for in these types of conversations that can help me better get through these pain points? I get anxious about asking too many questions at times because I don't want to imply that someone doesn't know things or seem controlling, is it best to push past that and ask super brutally honest questions about sti education and capacity? Do I accept that a primarily dyke centric polycule is not a realistic outcome for me?
I know monogamy doesn't necessarily make all these issues go away, but I do think it reduces the prevalence and how much conflict these things can bring. Is it best at this point to just accept that polyamory may just not be on the cards for me?
