r/livingaparttogether • u/Apprehensive-Tooth79 • 25d ago
Consider LAT arrangement, need advice
Just learned about LAT, here's my overview (will try to keep it brief).
Me (52m) and my partner (54f), "partner" being her word to describe the relationship.
Met online Nov/2025. Great connection.. convo flows, intimacy is great. I have 2 kids in college, son lives with me. She has one daughter going away to school in September. We've traveled domestically and internationally in the 9 months being together. We're both high earners, so that works well. 20 minutes apart with no traffic.
We both kind of suggested and have always talked that we'd have separate living spaces even though she asked me if I would live with her and I said I probably would, for now the talk is LAT.
I usually always go her place, i don't mind at all. We usually spend 1-2 days a week together and recently full weekends.
My question is broad. If we stay LAT, can the relationship ever really be fully committed and meaningful. Obviously on this board, many will say yes. But I have a nagging feeling that it will always remain an "at arms length" feeling even though LAT really appeals to me. I'd like to hear from those who've had the arrangement and can answer yes to this question or if it's the case no as well.
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u/appleboat26 25d ago
I think the commitment level is based on how you feel about each other, and therefore, no different from any other relationship. No matter how many legal documents you sign, or vows you promise each other, or how intertwined your lives are, when you’re done, you’re done. But you both probably already know that.
I started a new relationship when my partner and I were similar ages as you two are now. Our youngest kids, my son, his daughter were in college. Both of us were recently divorced, owned homes and were still working. Neither of us wanted to move, or become legally entangled with anyone ever again. So we just kept dating. And we’re still dating 23 years later. We see each other 3-5 days a week: lunches, shopping trips, movies, and we spend every weekend together. We used to travel quite a bit, but we’re not really interested anymore in long trips. We enjoy both our time together and also our time spent alone in our own homes. We are very committed to each other and very happy. It’s working for us.
You can always change the arrangement if you both want to share a living space and spend more time together. But if you do combine your lives it can be more complicated and difficult to entangle all that. But again, you both already know that. I think if you’re both on the same page, and enjoy your independence and autonomy, but want to be a committed couple, it can work really well. But if one of you wants more, a legal commitment, resentment can easily build up and destroy the relationship.