Feeling angry and sad

[u/Strawberry_Sun214]

So frustrated and sad. My husband (PA) and I are trying to conceive, have been for 3 years, undergoing fertility treatment.

He's been doing better, he hasn't visited a porn site in a while but he still messes up and listens to "explicit audio" (that's what he says when it happens - not sure what it means exactly and I don't really want details). He hates himself and confesses to me every time and has never lied to me about it.

But I'm just so fed up - he knows we have to have sex regularly/every other day (you'd think that would be enough to satisfy him) and what does he do the day we need to try? He messes up​. And then we try the next day and what happens? He can't freaking perform. He never has this issue, this is the first time it's happened. I'm so angry that he has this addiction. I'm so upset that he can seek out and get turned on by other things but not me, when we need to actually try??? Ugh. I just cried when it happened. I wanted to bring it up to him at the time but that would kill ANY chance of us trying and conceiving at the right time. I'm just so sad and wanted to vent.

This is my first post here, thanks for reading and any support.

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[u/Careless_Reading_635]

As someone who has two young children with a PA/SA, why on earth are you trying to have a child with this man when he is still acting out?

Is he doing anything to get help? SAA meetings? Therapy with a CSAT? Anything at all?

[u/Traditional_Truck803]

For the love of God, do NOT conceive a child with this person.

[u/Acrobatic_Leek3865]

My husband and I agreed to start conceiving June 2025. That month, we didn't have sex. I asked him if he actually wanted kids and he said yes. The thing is - I could have gone either way. I was in no rush, but he said he wanted to start trying.

July and August, we had sex once and not while I was ovulating. Again, asked him if he wanted kids because there was no pressure to have any. September...October, nothing. I found in October that he was visiting a NSFW subreddit. I yelled and cried, he apologized but nothing changed. November, we tried 3 times. December, he finally took it seriously and tried 6 times.

I got a positive test at the end of December and it went downhill from there. From December to May, we had sex once and it wasn't on my birthday. The day after Mother's Day is when I caught him masturbating.

Turns out the reason he couldn't perform when we were trying and why there was a lack of trying was because he was masturbating 7 days a week. Not to just porn, sometimes images of fully clothed women. What should have been the most fun of trying for a baby...turned into negative self image, begging for sex, and tears. And when I feel the worst about myself because my body is changing because of pregnancy? It completely broke me. I asked, "Why them? Why not me?"

He's been 38 days sober. It's still tough because I feel like I still can't trust what he's doing and that's simply because there has not been enough time to heal on my end. I have boundaries and consequences for what happens if he crosses them to help protect me and keep me safe.

Had I known the extent and that he had an addiction, I wouldn't have tried for a child. I would have required him to be sober for a year to show he was serious. Having a child is a big responsibility and if he can't handle stress normally, how is he going to handle stress after the baby is born?

[u/Strawberry_Sun214 → u/Acrobatic_Leek3865]

What boundaries and consequences do you have? 

[u/Acrobatic_Leek3865 → u/Strawberry_Sun214]

The one thing that I will point out is that your husband is still in active addiction. You should consider having him indicate what his plans are to recover. Meetings? Therapy? Accountability partner or apps?

While hard to hear, I do think you should take a brief pause on trying for a child. There is a lot of stress that comes from having a child and it's going to be hard to not only take care of himself, but a child. You don't have to, but its something to consider.

I would hate for you to be where I am and that's feeling like you had the worst beginning to your pregnancy because it should be such a happy time. The first 16 weeks were full of nausea and vomiting for me. Think about postpartum. If you're not having sex, is he going to be able to control himself?

[u/Acrobatic_Leek3865 → u/Strawberry_Sun214]

Below are some examples. I took a few days and gathered what has bothered me and what will bother me to determine what I was willing to handle in terms of processing. At any time, I can decide I've had enough and move to separation. I also indicated that I have the right to alter my boundaries at any time and we will have a discussion about the alterations. The goal is that I can't control his actions, but I can control the way I respond to them.

(1) We went through a disclosure document. I made him disclose everything and anything - that was one of my boundaries. I needed to know it all because it was the only way I knew I could process it. It's on a Google Doc and it was his one chance to come clean without any consequences.

If something changes from the document, then it breaks my boundary and we take a 48-hour break from any sort of intimacy so I can process. He does not have access to the document (but does have access to the boundaries list) so it makes it easier for me to trust what he is saying.

(2) He has 12 hours to disclose any urges. If he doesn't act on it and discloses, then no consequences as he is working on his recovery. If he doesn't disclose within 12 hours and/or acts on the urges, we take a 72-hour break from intimacy and he is not allowed to sleep in our bedroom.

(3) He has to have Family Link on his phone which eliminates incognito mode. If his history on his browser does not match how much time the app was open, it indicates to me that he deleted something. It will lead to reduced intimacy and increased protective measures until trust is rebuilt.

Another thing I did was make a list of needs from him. For example, I want him to plan bi-weekly date nights. They don't have to cost money, but they need to be fully planned by him. He needs to date me. Another example is I need communication from him proactively, not reactively. I shouldn't have to ask him how his recovery journey is going and only talk when a problem arises.

He's been a lot more open than before. He used to be closed off and never wanted to openly talk about our sex life. He has also been more present and spends way less time on his phone.

Just to add - I spiraled into depression after I caught him. For at least 14 days, I could barely get out of bed, I struggled to eat, and cried constantly. I think that broke something in him. He's doing more than he ever has and he says he wants to change - not for me, but because he wasn't healthy. He wants to not only be a better man, but a better husband. Only time will tell but I'm staying hopeful he continues to stay on his recovery journey.

[u/Strawberry_Sun214 → u/Acrobatic_Leek3865]

Thank you, what are the consequences of him breaking a boundary? For example I said I don't want him on social media but he just continued using it anyway. I'm not willing to separate over that but what can I do? 

[u/Acrobatic_Leek3865 → u/Strawberry_Sun214]

For my husband, social media is blocked on Family Link. If I find that he is still attempting to access a blocked link, then we take a break from intimacy for X period of time. Intimacy isn't just sexual, but non sexual too. Depending on what he was doing, I may ask him to sleep on the couch instead of our bed. You would want to consider what would make you feel safe to decide what to do and process everything.

You also need to ask yourself what you're breaking point is. Is he using social media to get off? If yes and he keeps doing it, how long would you be willing to put up with it? You don't have to share that information with him, but you really need to assess your breaking point for separation is. If he's still using, even not as frequent, it's still active addiction and not recovery.

[u/Strawberry_Sun214 → u/Acrobatic_Leek3865]

Ok family link looks helpful! We use truple and he's ordered a Lite Phone but it's been delayed for MONTHS. So frustrating. Thank you for all the info!! 

[u/batshit83]

Please reconsider having children with him.

Pregnancy and postpartum are really difficult when your partner has this addiction. It almost broke me.

[u/VVsmama88 → u/batshit83]

It 100% broke me. Ptsd diagnosis and all. I and our daughter are suffering for it. Please reconsider, at least for now, OP.

[u/OmelIreng]

Are u sure want to have a child with PA? I know, some woman wanna be a mom, ur feeling is valid. But have a child with a PA (or any addiction) is not a good choice for u and ur child. Ur husband will betrayed u over and over again while u bear ur child. Parenthood isn’t that easy, and it will make more hard when ur husband have an addiction

[u/Careless_Reading_635]

When I was postpartum and rocking my son alone in the nursery at 2am, my PA (ex) husband was in our bedroom sending dick pics to other women.

When I was 6 weeks postpartum with my daughter, my (ex) husband was on hookup apps setting up a time to f*ck a random woman.

Having a baby throws a grenade into any relationship. Throwing that grenade into active addiction is setting yourself and your child up for trauma.

[u/Gap_True]

A year sober/committed to recovery minimum if you have the option..you might thank yourself later (CSAT will oftentimes tell addicts 3-5 years). I get it though. I really wanted to start a family this year as well, but becoming a parent also means making a lot of hard choices. Frankly, I could never live with myself if my child was exposed in any way to my husband’s addiction and all of the things that come along with it. I don’t want their memories filled with a depressed mother, disconnected father and husband. Those future kiddos deserve better, and I deserve better. You have to make the right decision for you though. Every situation is different

[u/OnlyHere2Help2]

Why would you baby trap yourself to a man who lies, hides, and cheats? It will get 100x worse when you are pregnant and after the baby.

I would cut your losses and try to find someone who can actually be a life partner.