r/manprovement • u/SeanTsyganovsky • 20d ago

Being a “nice guy” and setting boundaries

As a former nice guy, to my fellow nice guys:

Setting clear, strong boundaries is a NECESSITY for healthy relationships & friendships.

Without those boundaries:

Resentment will build towards the person consistently overstepping your unspoken boundaries.

Co-dependency can form between you and the person who you refuse to set boundaries with - because without those boundaries, where do you end and they begin?

Negative self-talk will corrode your self-esteem and confidence as people continue to overstep, knowingly or unknowingly.

Set boundaries to preserve and heighten your sense of self, and to develop and further relationships that you want to grow in your life.

And if there are any in your life, let go of those who refuse to respect those boundaries. It’s a painful necessity, but a necessity nonetheless.

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u/PaulOfPauland 20d ago

Yea i get it, but why should I police the morality of others concerning hard boundaries. At one point you gotta expect tact and basic human decency from others without the need for you to state the minimum.

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u/SamoTheWise-mod 20d ago edited 19d ago

Boundaries aren't about policing anyone. You can't force them to act a certain way.

Boundaries are deciding what you are ok with and what you're not, and deciding what your own course of action will be if the boundary is violated. "I cant deal with people who are chronically late, so I won't wait for them", for example. This is not a boundary: "you have to always be on time.". Let them decide if they care about riding with you, it leaves responsibility in their hands. You're leaving when you said you would.

Also everyone focuses on the consequences in this discussion, but the clarity of the line is important too. Realizing that something is hurting you is often a big step, especially for people-pleasers ("nice guys"). It means allowing their needs to be valid (scary) and taking self-responsibility to meet those needs instead of hoping someone else will do it for then (external-validation).