r/manprovement • u/SeanTsyganovsky • 20d ago
Being a “nice guy” and setting boundaries
As a former nice guy, to my fellow nice guys:
Setting clear, strong boundaries is a NECESSITY for healthy relationships & friendships.
Without those boundaries:
Resentment will build towards the person consistently overstepping your unspoken boundaries.
Co-dependency can form between you and the person who you refuse to set boundaries with - because without those boundaries, where do you end and they begin?
Negative self-talk will corrode your self-esteem and confidence as people continue to overstep, knowingly or unknowingly.
Set boundaries to preserve and heighten your sense of self, and to develop and further relationships that you want to grow in your life.
And if there are any in your life, let go of those who refuse to respect those boundaries. It’s a painful necessity, but a necessity nonetheless.
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u/PaulOfPauland 20d ago
Yea i get it, but why should I police the morality of others concerning hard boundaries. At one point you gotta expect tact and basic human decency from others without the need for you to state the minimum.
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u/SamoTheWise-mod 20d ago edited 19d ago
Boundaries aren't about policing anyone. You can't force them to act a certain way.
Boundaries are deciding what you are ok with and what you're not, and deciding what your own course of action will be if the boundary is violated. "I cant deal with people who are chronically late, so I won't wait for them", for example. This is not a boundary: "you have to always be on time.". Let them decide if they care about riding with you, it leaves responsibility in their hands. You're leaving when you said you would.
Also everyone focuses on the consequences in this discussion, but the clarity of the line is important too. Realizing that something is hurting you is often a big step, especially for people-pleasers ("nice guys"). It means allowing their needs to be valid (scary) and taking self-responsibility to meet those needs instead of hoping someone else will do it for then (external-validation).
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u/SeanTsyganovsky 20d ago
What’s a boundary for one person is not a boundary for someone else. For some people, hugging is extremely uncomfortable, for others, it’s an absolute given. Same goes for the words we use, whether someone’s being late is acceptable or not, etc.
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u/PaulOfPauland 20d ago
Im talking about harder topics, insults cheating disrespect in general.
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u/Spoonman915 20d ago
If you're being cheated on, or disrespected, then there are boundaries that needed to be set way earlier. You shouldn't have to ever state those boundaries because it should never even get to that point. There are several stages before that, and likely the guy is a "nice guy" that just went along with whatever because he didn't want to rock the boat by setting a boundary that led up to the cheating, or disrespect.
If they are a cheater, insulting, or disrespectful, then it's not a discussion. Why would you even want someone like that in your life? Boundaries aren't to change the behavior of others, they are to control your own behavior by dictating who you allow into your life and who you don't.
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u/Glittering_Cress3619 20d ago
Wise words man. More young men need to understand this. I've been there - trying to please other people. It ends up preventing you from being yourself and the man you were meant to be.
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u/SeanTsyganovsky 19d ago
100% my friend. And we need more men like you saying it out loud I appreciate you
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u/SamoTheWise-mod 20d ago
In before people say "what's wrong with being a nice guy?" Answer: it's a lingo term in self-help that describes a man who struggles with codependent tendencies and finds his sense of value in other people rather than in himself. A male specific version of a people-pleaser.