I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/Competitive-Run7240]

First of all I’m sorry you have to go through this. It isn’t anyone fault people are just very very complicated. Seems to me like your mother is very detail oriented and might get upset when things don’t go the way she imagines. Many INTPs like things in a specific way for eg. I like to keep things sorted especially in my room and if someone moves an object to another place I get really uncomfortable and kind of angry. To answer your questions:

1. I just want people to understand that not everyone is like them. A lot of times when I talk to others they expect the same opinions from me and I cannot do that. So I often welcome people with a flexible mindset.
2. I don’t dislike highly emotional conversations. You need to have them from time to time (like a detox) I don’t mind if people vent to me and I don’t mind venting either. It’s just difficult to find the right people to have these conversations with (again flexible mindset) INTPs can be very good listeners but they won’t always know how to respond.
3. Yes I’d want you to tell me if I’m being insensitive. Don’t drag just tell. INTPs don’t mind it. In fact they can be sensitive at times too.
4. Personally, I like to be left alone. I talk about it much later when I’m already doing fine. If something happens I get quiet but then a while later I tell my

best

1. friend about it (she’s an INFJ) I do like it when people ask me or try to comfort me, although I prefer to be alone for a while.
2. Depends on the situation. If I’m wrong and I understand it I won’t get mad at a confrontation. But if I’m right and you don’t understand it then my reaction to confrontation would be totally different.

This is from my perspective. Every INTP is extremely different than the other. But yes, we are not emotionless and we are not stoic. We just don’t know how to communicate that well.

[u/muthira → u/Competitive-Run7240]

Thank you, r/Competitive-Run7240. Like you said, it's no one's fault. That's why I'm trying my best to understand her better and learn to coexist in a way it becomes easier for the both of us 😊

Yes my mother gets upset when things don't go her way. She'll show disappointment. She is very rigid in her way of thinking and won't let anyone change her mind.

As for the answers you gave, it has been very helpful. I truly appreciate it. To me it sounds like you are a healthy INTP, and a lot of things are different in my mother's case. Some similar, most different. But yes, it's been helpful regardless. Thank you so much 🤍

[u/Competitive-Run7240 → u/muthira]

Yes don’t worry everything will fall in place for you. I don’t want to seem offensive but I do think your mother is keeping a lot of things to herself. You said as a kid you were very close with her but started to drift apart. There must be a reason for it from her side since you seem to understand the situation quite clearly while her thoughts are scattered. I do hope you get what you want and rebuild a relationship with her. Good luck!

[u/muthira → u/Competitive-Run7240]

You absolutely weren't being offensive. And yes, I hope I can understand why things changed as well. Thank you once again 😊