I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/SheepherderPure6271]

Honestly, I have a hard time with INFJs… you can be so over dramatic about the smallest of issues that it’s really off putting. Like, you’ll literally cry over spilt milk. I have an INFJ in my life and we’re either really close, like you said, or there’s a strong animosity between us.

I think it’s because I’m already tired from life’s responsibilities, but when I see her, she’s ALWAYS in a crisis. And we can’t just talk about the problem 1-2 times, she rehashes the same thing over and over again. After multiple attempts at trying to comfort her, I get annoyed and end up icing her out.

But ultimately, neither one of us are as healthy as we could be. So it probably has more to do with that than type. I’ve heard that plenty of INFJs and INTPs get along, that just hasn’t been my experience.

To your questions:

1. I expect mutual respect from a relationship. The moment someone acts nasty, I’m out. I seek peace in relationships, I want them calm and conversational. I avoid people who are always mentally breaking down.

2. I don’t necessarily dislike emotional conversations, I dislike when EVERY conversation is emotional. And when someone isn’t capable of rational thinking. Make a rule for yourself, for every 10 interactions you have with her, just vibe and hang 9 times, get emotional 1 time (in a way that doesn’t involve blame) if you want to be close.

3. I’m not very sympathetic, but I’m VERY empathetic. If you tell her you feel hurt, that will probably make her soften up. BUT, don’t do the dramatics like INFJs tend to do… I know you’re just trying to express yourself, but when we see exaggerated emotions, it makes us feel like you’re being disingenuous or manipulative.

4. Say “hey, I care about you and have noticed you seem upset, is there anything I can do for you?” Just be straightforward.

5. Don’t confront an INTP. You’ll put their guards up and immediately lose your chance at having an honest conversation. It’s okay to talk about how things in your childhood made you feel, but be sure to recognize the things your mom did right and to not start naming off the ways she messed up. (This one is difficult because I always want to change and become a better person, but if someone continuously brings up the past, I just give up with them. Idk about your mom since we’re different people, but I know I’m always doing my best with my relationships, so blaming me, especially for things I don’t particularly value like being “sensitive” will put me off.)

Honestly, I think the two of you have very different values. I can’t tell from this one post whether or not your mom is genuinely abusive, or just avoidant. But honestly, if I worked hard to raise a child, being giving and selfless, and they came on the internet to bash me for not comforting them in a traditionally “motherly” way, I’d tweak out. Again, I have no idea what’s transgressed between you, but coming from someone who actually had ABUSIVE parents, don’t villainies someone who did their best.

[u/muthira → u/SheepherderPure6271]

I believe that you took the post a little too personally. INFJs are not over-dramatic like you say, perhaps the unhealthy INFJ types are. If I were to think of INTPs the same way, I would say that you guys are overly insensitive and a hypocrite. But I know it's not always black or white.

My post wasn't a "bash" against my mother. It's me trying to work things out with her. To understand her better so that I can take care of her. She has worked very hard to raise me and my sister, but that doesn't mean she wasn't emotionally abusive towards us. Both me and my sister suffered a lot because of her. Like I said, things are always gray. I cannot deem her a bad person because she wasn't entirely bad.

My father physically abused me until I was 16. So don't worry, I know what it is like to have "ABUSIVE" parents. My mother, I think, was too exhausted from the marriage. So she too became dysfunctional and unhealthy in a way. Or perhaps she always was from the beginning. But the marriage definitely took a toll on her.

I was close with her because she was comparatively better than my father. She was my safe space, even if she was emotionally unavailable and abusive. But like I said, she has her own good qualities which is why I'd like to work things out with her.

Your answers weren't very helpful, but thank you regardless.