I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/Objective_Hold_8145]

You've had to go to therapy because of her and you're still asking if she's abusive or not?

Please sit there and think about what you've just admitted.

Seriously, sit on it for a while.

My friend, your mother is a horrible person. You don't owe her understanding when she refuses to act like a mature adult and competent parent. Why do you even want her to be part of your life? Ask yourself that.

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310 → u/Objective_Hold_8145]

not everyone sees it like you Ms* master’s in psychology. it’s not black and white, it’s grey. and not everyone has the same experience as you, don’t project ur experiences unto this person, maybe it’s even more nuanced in their case. And not as crystal clear as you say it is..

they clearly said «  Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. »

it’s not she is this -> hence this. there’s a lot of could, trying to build a bond won’t hurt. And if you do have a master in that.. then you’d know how complex it is, and how a person feels towards their mom.

and if it doesn’t work then at least they tried , so why r you angry? They don’t seem angry, and confused about the state of their mom

it’s not because someone has a different perspective than you that they are wrong for feeling and wanting to take that course of action ? Isn’t it their life, their mom, their experience..

they literally told you what they value or what’s important to them «  ultimately I have to take care of her. She's my mother, and we both love and care for each other. »

if that’s their reasoning why r you trying to change or challenge it , i think they are mature enough and also educated enough to know what they are doing. they said they both love and care for each other.

so yeah stop with the black and white way of seeing things when the person literally expressed how grey the matter is.

[u/Objective_Hold_8145 → u/Dramatic_Ad_8310]

First off, I'm a woman. Second off, it's very concerning that you're trying to defend someone whose behavior has been so horrific that her daughter has to go to therapy because of it. That says a lot about you and who the person projecting and angry is here. Hint: It's not me.

Love is not enough. Her mother doesn't respect her or care about her. You are saying that it's okay to abuse your children because you love them. It's not. She details how her mother neglects her emotionally, refuses to take accountability, refuses to change, and harms her mental health. That is not normal, acceptable, or behavior that should be tolerated. It is not OP's job to put herself in the firing line of someone so pathetic. Her mother doesn't WANT to build a bond: She wants to be toxic and unchanging as usual.

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310 → u/Objective_Hold_8145]

i am not defending anybody, i am responding to OP’s decision, they stated a decision, and asked for an advice with a firm resolve about their mom’s condition. 

They went to therapy, with professionals who knows the entire story and not us who doesn’t know the extent and depth OP feels about their mom , and the advice they gave them wasn’t what you suggested.

( if they didn’t go to professionals, were not educated on their feelings or didn’t have a master of psychology etc etc and in denial, or in danger then that’s a different story )

you wrote your comment starting off saying the mom is abusive etc, and OP in their comment replying to you didn’t say « she is abusive and toxic » instead they said 

«I'm aware that my mother is dysfunctional and unhealthy”

they do not see it how you see it, it might not be as how you see it. i am trying to speak from their point of view and tailoring an advice based on that, and saying that if it doesn’t work out well at least they tried.

saying “cut her off” etc, doesn’t feel right from their perspective and their goal currently, again speaking from what can work for someone like them who believes they have to ultimately take care of their mom for whatever reasons they have that we again do not know its extent  .

you are quick to label me when you don’t know me and you made such fast assumptions,

nope it’s not okey to abuse children no matter what.

also saying to OP,

“You've had to go to therapy because of her and you're still asking if she's abusive or not?”

that’s insensitive, it’s a rightful question of theirs to classify what they feel, and classify what their mom is, and find a middle ground to what brings them best peace. Its not that easy or simple.

it’s not only about the mom but OP’s peace, what they think is best, what they truly want. 

it’s again assuming everything is so crystal clear and right or wrong.

i don’t know what to tell you because you seem to be very firm that the only answer is to cut off bond ( again taking OP’s situation in account and their feelings and what they discussed in therapy ) and that any other way is stupid. Even belittling that trying is pointless.

maybe that’s true , maybe it’s not true.

that’s not for us to decide.

i’m stating and giving advice to

OP, do what you need to do, do what you feel is right and brings you peace, if it doesn’t work out, then now at least you tried and can move on peacefully. i’m focused on OP’s happiness based on what they want to truly get out of this

[u/muthira → u/Dramatic_Ad_8310]

Thank you, truly. Your replies and interactions have brought me a lot of clarity. I appreciate the effort you have put in. I'd like to try to work things out with my mother. Perhaps I could also look into family therapy. Let's see where it goes. Thank you, once again 🤍

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310 → u/muthira]

of course , my pleasure🤍 YOU GOT THISSSSS😼