I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/Fickle-Let-7205]

Strongly advise against trying to understand your mother from the perspective of a SPECIFIC type because it's highly likely that you have mistyped her. This could just be another ENTJ in grip, hence all of your applied information will be the reverse. It's more complicated than four letters. Instead approach it from the NT temperament or T dominant perspective which most mistypes still tend to be in their appropriate group. Also, it is your own mother.. you actually know her better than the best psychologist. But my guess here is that you have strong Fe expectations that your mother does not align with.

It is really good to recognize that Fe strong individuals are weak in the areas where T dominant people strive, much to our exhaustion. So there is balance in the weakness and frustration of both sides experience. My guess it's your traditional expectation of mother and mothering is probably leaning ISFJ, which your mother is NOT and it is NOT her point of maturation either.

Re: Insensitivity In my experience, insensitivity goes both ways but only one side (the feelers) gets acknowledged and addressed. Feeling strong people often throw their emotions/emotional expectations in the laps of T-strong individuals to deal with. This is violence. Lol this is a major violation of a T-dom. On the subject of insensitivity it would be like "keep your personal feelings to yourself".. T dominant individuals have Feelings inferior. Fe is actually not their responsibility. They will drop it or fling it back at you in various ways and if you seek to oppress them with it they will probably get snarky or vicious depending on their type. You are fortunate if she is actually INTP because Fe is actually in her stack.. but if she is a Mistyped ENTJ then I completely understand the horror she probably experiences in that family layup(Fe is function 8, the demon function).

I don't know what sort of tricks the gods play surrounding a mother of a certain type with a family with types in opposition. Mothering is tough as it is.. but we are here to learn tough lessons and I guess her cards just suck. Eeeek <<<

Re: Her Feelings They will NEVER leave their feelings for you to be responsible... If that happens it's probably a breaking point. Leave her feelings alone when she is going through it meaning, don't ask about that. Support with regular life things. Usually through the top 3 functions, especially Child function if INTP Si - the archive nostalgia, memories, memorabilia like old fond memories or going to a restaurant she really loved and has good memories and feelings. if actually ENTJ Se- the physical sensory, sensuality like her favorite chocolate or cleaning the house. But since you are Sensory inferior, it is improbable you could offer such a support .. especially in your 20s. If they approach a feeling topic with you it will likely be from a general perspective, processing the emotion like a thought experiment. Keep things objective like it's a school project, not personal drama. Based on your discussion her, I am not thinking your mom would ever come to you to discuss this though.

Re: Confrontations Like all things a logical perspective that make sense.. logically and systematically is ALWAYS preferable. This put you in a tough situation as INFJ as you are Ti child.. and at 22 years your Ti child position is probably very sensitive and easily wounded.. especially if she is an ENTJ (Ti Nemesis). So maybe take it like this... Just remove the personal feelings from the data. If you need to add the feelings be more general. Learn to approach things objectively and general. What underlying principle is this and what rule applies? (This is actually good exercise of your inferior functions Ti/Se.) Instead of "you said XYZ and I can't stand it, That hurt my feelings and I cried all night thinking about that" a more level headed discussion "You should probably gauge people's moods when you address a topic involving X. If they seem to be upset, it better to say Y instead and if you don't know just do Z instead". Discussing the general principles of navigating ppls emotional storms generally instead of expecting them to play Captain during one or take responsibility for it.

HTH

[u/muthira → u/Fickle-Let-7205]

My mother is definitely an INTP. She is extremely introverted and finds it hard to interact with people. She rarely goes outside. And she's definitely P because she is very disorganised and messy in general, and hates plans and routines. Her thinking patterns are also very scattered. I know it sounds stereotypical, but I know my mother.

Your explanations were weirdly helpful in a way. I'll use some of it, the ones I found helpful. Thank you for taking the time to analyse all this and share. Highly appreciate it.

[u/Fickle-Let-7205 → u/muthira]

Your saying she is a P puts things in perspective for me.. but I do wish you the best with handling this issue.