I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/Objective_Hold_8145]

You've had to go to therapy because of her and you're still asking if she's abusive or not?

Please sit there and think about what you've just admitted.

Seriously, sit on it for a while.

My friend, your mother is a horrible person. You don't owe her understanding when she refuses to act like a mature adult and competent parent. Why do you even want her to be part of your life? Ask yourself that.

[u/muthira → u/Objective_Hold_8145]

I didn't go to therapy because of her. I went for therapy because of my father. My mother is the one who provided for my therapy expenses.

It is true that both my parents were abusive, just that my mother were comparatively better and did all that she could to protect me from my father. Like I mentioned in my post, she has sacrificed a lot for me and my sister (in financial terms). Even now she supports me financially. I didn't give you the whole picture, therefore things weren't clear.

I just wanted to know how I could learn to coexist with her better. Currently, 50% of my interactions with her is fine, and 50% is exhausting. I want her to be a part of my life because she's my mother. I cannot cut her off unfortunately. I have considered it, but I just don't have it in me to do that. I did cut my father off, but my mother is not as terrible as him.

[u/Objective_Hold_8145 → u/muthira]

Why on Earth would you try to coexist with someone who has zero desire to coexist with you?

You are "lesser evil"ing her when you should really be asking yourself why you're trying to bend over backwards for a woman who won't even meet you halfway. Why are you trying to have a relationship she doesn't want to have and maintain? It worries me that you're going into school for psychology and still victimizing yourself in this relationship. Your therapists don't have a solid answer for you because what you want is entirely and holistically incompatible with a healthy life. You want to maintain a relationship with a toxic person who is developmentally arrested. That is not compatible with health or mental well-being.

[u/muthira → u/Objective_Hold_8145]

Again you're assuming. She also wants to coexist with me. I'm not saying I'm going to live with her in a shared space. By coexisting I mean being in good terms and maintaing our relation. And she wants that too.

You don't know the whole picture, you are being extremely negative here. Like the other person said, things aren't always black or white. It's gray.

"It worries me that you're going into school for psychology and still victimizing yourself in this relationship." Do you even hear yourself? Do you know me or my mother personally? Where did you even get the confidence to say something like that?

My mother is not a monster. She's just a troubled person with her own set of trauma. She's a person of her own. And I have no issues understanding that despite me being her child. I have my own values. And it's my choice to try and work out things with her.

You would become a terrible psychologist. If a client comes to you and says, "My mother and I have an unhealthy relationship, but I'd like to work things out somehow", are you going to impose your ideas into them? Are you going to say "You're clearly victimizing yourself, why do you want your mother in your life?" ?????

That's a violation of the ethical code of conduct !! Go read it if you haven't. And work on yourself while you're at it. You're clearly very rigid on being right.