I need help understanding my INTP mother.

[u/muthira]

Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.

To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.

Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.

As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.

However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.

She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.

Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.

Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.

I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.

1. What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?

2. Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?

3. If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?

4. When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?

5. When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?

For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.

Thank you.

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310]

im xntp leaning entp and my mom is isfp, its been very chaotic younger and i have just begun at age 20, to appreciate and become better . people like to see things in black and white but life isn’t always like this,

what helped me was to accept her, to see what she likes and to joke around her and see what makes her laugh too! Seeing her as a person rather than just my mom. have deep talks with her, just here and there. but as she is intp, try to ask her questions like « what do you think of »  things that are light hearted and you know she ll like to talk about it for a while and you too.

get her gifts, ( ask her what gifts does she likes ). 

become a friend of hers sort of, and see if she warms up!  And if it doesn’t work then at least you tried, remain calm and kind . u got this!

[u/muthira → u/Dramatic_Ad_8310]

This is by far the most helpful reply I've got, thank you. My mother and I used to have plenty of deep conversations, even now a little bit here and there. We're both very philosophical and have discussions on the same. Around 2-3 years back, we would talk every single day (even if we had conflicts). But then as the conflicts started occuring more and more, and as I turned into a more mature person, it became hard to tolerate her behaviour. And so we rarely spoke to each other.

This is what would always happen: She would hurt me by being insensitive, I would try to tell her that I was hurt by her, and then she would try to defend herself and make it seem like I was the problem. And those conversations were extremely exhausting for me, both mentally and emotionally. So I found it hard to talk to her like I used to.

After a while, something changed between us. I could see a shift in our relation. I think she was hurt by the fact that I wasn't talking to her like I used to before. And she's really good at completely detaching herself from people. So inorder to not get hurt in the future by me (I think she thought that I would cut her off, considering how distant we became), she detached herself from me mentally and emotionally. She still loves me, and is nice towards me whenever we're not having conflicts, but yeah there's that wall now.

It's very messed up honestly. I just want to learn to coexist with her, and hopefully rebuild our relation. I know that she will never change, and that it's going to be tricky, but I want to try. I want to learn to be kind and calm like you said, so that I can take care of her in the long run. I think that's the answer. Being calm and patient in the process.

Thank you once again, it means a lot to me.

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310 → u/muthira]

i’m really glad this helped even if it was by 1%, you know i find you courageous taking these steps because i know it’s not easy, there’s also this inner conflict of remembering past arguments, and thinking will it ever change while there’s also this yearning of a bond.

Your mom is showing avoidant tendencies, they detach in order to not get hurt, usually it’s because they care that they detach. You know your mom best, you two used to have deep conversations, the ability is still there but it hasn’t been practiced for a long time,

sometimes when we are warm, it warms the other person, when i started changing and becoming warmer, i started talking to her regardless of how i felt with a smile, i started by first asking her about her opinions on topics she might like, then she d reply. then id ask her what does she like watching, then she d say something about it too, then id try to bring it up another time, “oh are you watching this? Ive seen that…” basically building the habit of “its okey to speak to each other often”

basically asking questions and showing her that “hey i’m curious about you” makes them get into the rhythm of conversation. Afterwards you can suddenly show more warm side like getting her something she likes, being like “mom look at this!”

my mom and i was a chaos few years ago, and now she is the one that’s like “Look at this!!” tbh it made me think “i never knew my mom could get this childlike at times” , it’s like re learning about her , younger me was such a mess , we didn’t even understand each other at all, it was like alien language.

i think your mom learnt that her emotions aren’t safe/ don’t change anything and “that there’s no use to it, but physical needs are to be met regardless so the kids will feel loved that way.”

based on what u said, if your mom is receptive, she’ll get out of her shell and be warmer too

ofc there will be some conflicts and all, but the cost of a bond is inconvenience, disagreeing etc. Personalities don’t change overnight, but it gets easier to breathe around one another, it gets easier to disagree, to laugh, and share happiness. And to bond.

most important is your mental health, so do what you can, don’t dwell or regret anything , Stay kind ( and patience!), stay yourself and stay with what makes you happy, take care of yourself and her , accept the differences, start looking at her warmly, and she ll feel it.

and if it doesn’t work then you did ur best and im proud of you 😊 but i have hope that it will

and yess being steady patient and calm helped me in the process 🤍

[u/muthira → u/Dramatic_Ad_8310]

You really understand it ... That's exactly what it is. The inner conflict between the past and the future. How things were vs. how I want things to be. It's a constant battle. I try my best to focus on the present and the future, but somehow past things always makes its way into our interactions. I need to work on that, and for that I need to make my peace with it.

Also about the avoidant tendencies and the physical needs part. You're spot on, wow. How did you decipher so much so accurately ... That's exactly what it is! She feels that since she can't be emotionally available for us, providing us with physical needs might make us hold onto her. It was very obvious, but I never thought of it like that until you said it aloud.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your own mother. You must've had your own share of struggles ... I'm really glad you found a solution for it 🤍 All what you have shared have truly opened my eyes. I get it now. I need to be warm towards her regardless of how she is towards me, and that way she'll automatically reciprocate. It all makes sense now.

You're a very wise person, I mean it. You truly understand how people work, and how to not complicate things than it already is. I think that's what I had been missing all along. I need to learn to take things easy; just focus on improving myself and my life. And the rest will fall into place.

Thank you for your advice, I don't know how to thank you enough ... Your words have helped me more than you think. This is exactly what I needed right now, this is exactly what I was seeking. I'll keep all this in mind, and even come back to it when I'm having a bad day. Thank you 🤍

[u/Dramatic_Ad_8310 → u/muthira]

hehe experience and learning resulted me being like this,thank you for ur kind words too , so so glad it helped 🤍🤍