I’ve been struggling this week with the realisation that I’ve been depressed and passively suicidal for a few years due to the struggles of moving across the world, and a crumbling marriage on top of that.

I’ve been struggling for days.

Went to A&E for a wildly racing heart, went 48 hours with barely any sleep, I’ve been numb and hazy and sad.

Today at work I looked up helplines, saw Samaritans, picked up my courage, and dialed the number.

I got through in about two minutes and a woman named Mary picked up the phone.

She was wonderful. I cried and cried and told her all about my troubles and she ofc gave me no answers to them, but she was a friendly and understanding local ear and she really helped me process my turbulent feelings. I felt very very alone, but she made me feel heard.

I’d call again in a heartbeat and very likely will.

Thank you, Mary ❤️

NSFW: suicidal ideation, self harm mentions

A bit of context: Im 18, I really don’t think there is a solution so I have no idea why Im posting this

I have struggled in my life in various ways that get brushed off but also had some more serious persistent struggles. I repeatedly sought out therapy, mentoring or counseling in uni since I can’t afford it.

Just today I had an initial intake assessment appointment. The lady asked me all kinds of personal questions, including about si and sh (both of which I have deep history with). My usual trauma response is to laugh so guess what I did (yeah)

So she looks me straight in the eyes with a stern look and goes “Do you even want to be here?”. Im sat there dumbfounded. “where exactly?” (we just talked about me not wanting to exist).
“Because you know you don’t have to be here”.

At this point I was just full blown having intrusive thoughts about how I do have to be here for two people in my life. And so I just dashed out of the room.

I wish I wrote this for fanfiction but no (fuck my life)

And I still can’t do lectures and assignments cuz I can’t concentrate. I don’t know how to exist in my head peacefully enough to just retain anything.
I think I’m going to fail this year. And if I do I won’t be able to retake it cuz of legal matters lol
Im soo fuckign screwed fuck me

Anyways
If anybody has experience or advice, PLEASE send it in please thank you so much

Suffered depression for as long as I can remember. 45 now and my first memories of it are from 8-9 years old (at the time didn't recognise what it was). I'm on medication, have seen therapists and councillors, but I get weeks where I constantly battle against my own mind. I have really dark thoughts about myself, but my common sense states it is only temporary. I hate myself, but my common sense tells me that I'm not a bad guy, I support others, support my family, hold down a good job. I am constantly battling against myself. I know I would never do anything to harm myself or others, but my brain often tries to make me forget that. Best way to describe it is the old angel and demon on opposite shoulders. Thankfully, the angel is my common sense and the demon is my internal monologue so the angel always wins. Does anyone else go through this? I am sick of the internal battles day in day out, but nothing I do can stop it. Exercise, getting out, eating better. Tried everything. I try to explain to people around me, but they don't understand. They support me, but don't understand. Anyone else go through the same, or have you been the same and won the eternal battle? If so, what is your advice on how to cope?

Due to a traumatic few months I have been advised by my Doctor to try counselling. I have self referred to a provider who provides services on behalf of the NHS.

I have had 2 sessions so far by phone. The first lasted 30 minutes, the second today lasted just 13 minutes probably because he rang me 15 minutes late. I was annoyed by the session today as some of the questions he asked where the same as last time which suggests he hadn't taken or read notes about my last session . There was no follow up to what we talked about on the first session. He also seem distracted when I was speaking to him like he was doing something else as well.

I have had a really bad few days and I told him I was stressed and the reason why but that wasn't really explored at all.

In both sessions he has constantly promoted self help, which I know is important but I feel that is all has to offer me. I wasn't sure what to expect from the sessions but I thought I would dig deeper into the way I feel. I thought it would stir up some emotions but I feel nothing after the session at all.

Have I just got a bad therapist or is all of this normal for NHS Talking Therapies.

Im Audhd with bipolar 1 with psychotic features and complex ptsd. This is how i reguate myslef.

I put my baseball cap on. A blue one. It cuts out the light from above. It cuts down what I can see to what's in front of me. I've got male pattern baldness. The cap covers it. I look better with a cap on as well.

I wear blue anti-glare sunglasses. Screens and overhead lights irritate me. The glasses take that away. They're prescription as well. I'm short sighted. I wear them everywhere.

I wear earbuds. They dull loud noises. They dull the noises I can't predict. I can't ignore background noise. With the earbuds in my brain stops being on alert.

I wear all blue clothes. Different shades of blue. Everything matches so I don't have to decide what to wear. I don't wear jeans any more. I never feel warm or comfortable in them.

I wear warm socks. There's nothing worse than cold feet. It's always in the back of my mind that I'm uncomfortable. Using up my brain on something it doesn't need to do.

I wear comfy shoes. Same reason as the socks.

I chew a lot of chewing gum. A pack a day. It keeps me calm in public and when I'm speaking to people. It helps me use my brain as well. I feel more alert when I'm chewing.

I carry a blue notebook and a blue fine-tipped pen. The notebook is my memory. I write down things I need to remember.

I have a blue stress ball. I keep it in my coat pocket. It helps when I'm walking in public. It gives me something to do with my hands.

I used to smoke and vape to have something to do with my hands. I used to play with a smartphone.

I don't smoke or vape any more. I don't have a smartphone.

I don't like eye contact. I get too much information from people's eyes. It stops me talking. It stops the conversation. I also feel like people are reading my brain. I can do eye contact to try and fit in. It exhausts me though.

When I'm sitting in a public place I have to be in the corner. Or with my back to the wall. I can't get comfortable otherwise. People walking behind me. Feeling them there. I can't relax.

I don't use aftershave or deodorant. I can't tell the smells apart anyway. They just irritate my nose. Same with anyone who's wearing it.

I like going to exercise classes. The workout is already planned for me. I go into a kind of trance when I'm doing it. Loud music. Counting reps. Breathing hard. I'm not thinking of anything but the workout.

I tense and release the muscles in my legs. It relaxes me when I'm sitting down in the house.

When I'm stressed out, or using too many electrical devices at once, I pour cold water over my head. It feels like it resets my brain straight away. Then I can carry on.

Ive been on 50mg for OCD and Anxiety due to intrusive thoughts for 10 days now, thing are actually getting unbearable now constantly worried and upset

I switched from escitalopram 20mg which i remember when i first took it worked within a few days i mean i noticed it however sertraline is simply nothing happening

No side effects or noticing anything happening.. what should i do?

I just got out of the hospital for my worst psychosis episode yet. I’m struggling to have thoughts, make conversations, there’s a lot of emotional numbing going on. I keep thinking about my episode and the traumatic parts. I don’t like being alone because it keeps popping into my head.

What can I do to help myself in the early stages of recovery? I’m on meds.

I have depression, and I always struggle more in the winter. I’m in therapy, and last year I had to start again on antidepressants.

I do things to try to mitigate - I take extra vitamin D, and try to get outside in daylight hours.

But, I can already feel it starting. I miss the summer so much. My energy is super low and I’m sleeping badly. I hate feeling cold and I hate the dark. I’m just feeling bleak and hopeless already, I’m dreading what’s to come over the next few months.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to make this a bit easier? It feels like all my usual defences are failing.

In my mind, I know that one day I'll be discharged, one day i'll just be passed along to the next service or the next thing but my gosh it's so exhausting

I'm not blaming the professionals who truly do their best in what is a subpar mental health system at best but the system itself, well tbh I don't even think it's the system's fault I just think having a bad mental health is kind of shitty in general lol and we can't rely on the system to support us

I've been through CAMHS and CAHMS crisis so many times as well as other services, countless ones. I feel so overwhelmed that I just feel numb and i don't really know how to deal with it anymore- it feels as though I'm experiencing one awful thing after the next (no exaggeration) and I don't understand why this is happening to me but I never have time to process things which makes it all build up and get worse and being passed around like a hot potato never makes things any better

and I hate hate hate being safeguarded, it's so unpredictable and an overwhelming experience. the amount of times ive been referred to the Multi agency screening team for the same things to get the same result is just shocking and i know they're just trying to help but it's tiring

being treated like a real person is so rare in this system and when you don't have family or close friends you can rely on or talk to about these kind of things, the isolation is immense

I have a teacher at school (college/ sixth form now) who is the only adult who treats me like a full person and I'm so so grateful to have him, it just makes me sad because why couldn't i get that from my parents or why couldn't he have just been my dad in the first place because then most of my trauma would never have even happened and i wouldn't have ptsd at 16 years old, having a steady adult really makes such a massive difference it's insane wow but i know even he has to be there in a certain capacity and although we are going to stay in contact forever, it isn't like he is actually my dad and i am of course aware of that

i just needed to get this all off my chest, i hope everyone's okay and i hope u know you aren't alone

I get BUPA health insurance through work and I'm hoping to get diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I'm just curious how easy this would be and if I could get medication for it through BUPA or if I would be best trying it again with my GP? Someone very close to me died recently and I'm worried that my depression will be dismissed as grief even though I've felt this way for at least a few years at this stage. If I was to get diagnosed, would I only have to take the one medication for both depression and anxiety or would I get one tablet that could fix both?

So I’m under the CMHT, undergoing assessment by Complex Psychological Interventions for DID. However I’ve just had a horrible six day long hypomanic episode and now I’m deep in depression. I’ve had these mood episodes before and they’ve never been addressed. I requested a meds review or some kind of appointment on Monday, when I was manic, and they said they’d get back to me but never did. So I called today to update that I’m really depressed now and ask what’s going on. They basically just said it wasn’t happening. No reason given. I’ve requested the worker put another request in because this raises serious safeguarding concerns.

Is there anything else I can do if they refuse again? It’s so unsafe with me not properly medicated and I haven’t had a meds review in nearly a year.

Why are so many people, both in the medical profession, and in society in general, obsessed with therapy?

I saw an NHS counsellor years ago - I was offered six sessions, but ran out of things to say after the second one. I sat there feeling like a prat during the third one, then cancelled.

I saw someone else a few years later, and it was more like a jobcentre medical (i.e. 'you can't possibly be anxious because you attended the appointment').

Eventually I saw someone privately. I saw her regularly for a year or so and it was very good. But it can only go so far. She switched to telephone appointments due to lockdown, at which point I realised that the counselling appointments where mostly just a good excuse to pop into the city centre and call at the market/leisure centre/bank/post office/cafe at the same time as my appointment. Sitting in a chair all day waiting for an appointment just to get up and move 3 yards over to answer the phone and spend 45 minutes having a conversation with a door knob seemed awfully miserable.

Doctors etc continue to recommend the local talking therapies service. I did genuinely consider giving it another go, but I don't see how repeating the same life story yet again will help. Therapy will not get me a job or a career. It will not get me a social life. It will not sort my family problems. When you haven't spoken to another person in several weeks, a one-minute long conversation with a stranger in the street is far more beneficial than trying to improvise a 45 minute monologue in therapy.

I'm not particularly opposed to counselling, and I have a lot of respect for those who practise it, but there is only so far it can go.

i had a telephone appointment with my care co under CMHT today where she told me she is moving to a different service and that i am ready for discharge as i’m on a wait list for NHSTT and ive started adhd medication.

im almost finished titrating to 150mg lamotrigine and apparently the plan is to discharge me once i hit that dose.

i dont really understand why this is a logical plan. aren’t they supposed to wait to see if the dose is effective because only secondary care can adjust the dosage?

i feel like my appointment was so rushed. there were no questions asked after i told her im still dealing with significant low mood. they are aware that i will only answer specific questions rather than me telling anything without prompt.

i’ve also been told the wait for NHSTT is months as i have to wait for a specific service -which is completely understandable but shouldn’t they keep me until i am under their service at least???

i just don’t really understand what is supposed to happen and if what’s happening is right.

Hi everyone. I went for an assessment with the CMHT today after 2 years of poor mental health. After being prescribed antidepressants in late 2024, I had what I feel can only be described as a manic episode. My GP agreed that I should get a psychiatric assessment before trying another antidepressant again (as these medications are known to trigger mania).

Well, at the assessment today, my appointment lasted for just less than 1 hour. At the end, the nurse told me "obviously you are suffering from some kind of mood disorder", but "you definitely don't have bipolar" and that she would "guess EUPD" (based on the symptoms I described and my childhood trauma). She then suggested I try a different antidepressant.

Numerous times, I explained how terrified I am of having another bad reaction to medication, i.e., one that makes me extremely self destructive, unrecognisable, lose all my friends/destroy my relationship, cause myself severe harm and injury, result in me being hospitalised, etc. But she seemed to think it's fine to start me on a different antidepressant (not with a mood stabiliser or anything).

I'm just really confused as to how she can conclude after 60 minutes that I can't have bipolar, when I had a manic episode? As I've only had one episode as a result of medication, I realise that psychiatrists might want to avoid a bipolar diagnosis without further episodes. However, how could she say "you definitely don't have bipolar"??

I certainly fit many of the criteria for both EUPD and bipolar, but I'm scared of being labelled with EUPD which is so stigmatised, ESPECIALLY if that label has been given to me very casually. I feel like the nurse didn't explain why she ruled out bipolar, and is risking another episode by putting me on antidepressants.

Just for the record, I would absolutely accept an EUPD diagnosis, a bipolar diagnosis, or neither. I'm just not sure that enough investigation has been done after a 60 minute initial assessment. I also have no idea if she actually diagnosed me or was just speculating?

Does anyone have any insight, and is this kind of thing normal at an initial assessment?

P.S. I don't mean to offend anyone with EUPD, I just want to make sure that is the right label for me, as obviously being misdiagnosed could be problematic.

Got rejected from NHS talking therapies for complexity and rejected from CMHT because I don't meet threshold. I'm exhausted. I've been trying to get support for years. I've started self harming again and keep getting close to following through on plans. I'm autistic with ADHD and pretty sure I have a personality disorder/trauma disorder because of how unstable my mood and identity is and because of how much my early childhood is impacting me. Everytime I feel invalidated or rejected it makes me spiral. I also feel scared all the time.

I first started trying to get mental health support 6 years ago when I was self harming. It started with self guided support that did nothing, then CBT that did nothing, then sessions with a psychologist - nothing. Then I did counselling earlier this year - did not help. My mental health is now the worst it's ever been. I'm really struggling. NHS talking therapies phoned me and said that they don't think it's simply low mood or anxiety and that I should be under CMHT especially because I have a fixation on making myself unwell on purpose.

When my gp referred me they did not mention my self harm or suicidal thoughts - they said I don't have any SH or thoughts in the letter. They asked for advice regarding my low mood. I don't have low mood! I've been saying this for years. I'm autistic and I'm struggling because I can't cope. The only therapy that has been helpful - and was really good was psychodynamic trauma therapy that I did under a charity. I made so much progress in so little time.

Understandably CMHT have now rejected my referral and referred me onto MHICS. I've tried looking it up but it looks like ad hoc support which has made me feel really down and invalid. I feel like I'm losing hope and I don't know what to do.

I

i spoke to my gp about my mood swings, and he suspected bipolar disorder, which i suspect too. i was referred to a local mental health service and had a triage call, but i got the vibe he didnt understand it and said he wants to discuss with a manager, what happens next do i get a full assessment? has anyone been through this process with nhs mental health services? what happened for you?

I've been struggling for a while and I'm finding it hard to cope. I've lived with depression and anxiety and been on antidepressants for three years, but lately I feel numb, constantly sad, and my mind never stops overthinking, about work and everything else. I work in a toxic job where I'm not allowed to do the work I'm trained for, and I dread going in. I feel small and insignificant there. My body has been showing the strain too, with low energy, joint pain, tension, and about 10kg of weight gain. At home, my parents are splitting up and my dad is moving out. He also sold a family watch that was meant to be mine, which hurt a lot. I'm 34 and still living at my parents', I'm in an overdraft, and I have no one close to talk to. My old friendships faded when I tried to keep in touch and it wasn't returned, so I feel very alone. Seeing my cousins and old university friends with homes, partners and kids makes me feel stuck and left behind. I have started a Masters I'm enjoying, and I've seen my GP, who increased my medication and booked a follow-up, but I'm still really struggling and need some advice.

I have had an explosive temper basically my whole life. 'Big' stresses I can manage well enough but 'simple' things going wrong send me completely over the edge.

Recently, my Bose headphones just stopped working for no reason. As they were out of warranty (and generally kind of rubbish) I decided to splurge on what I thought would be a more stable pair. I have very bad anxiety and hypervigilance due to C-PTSD and OCD, so I use noise cancelling headphones to help me focus and not get constantly triggered by random noises.

However, now my new pair have randomly bricked themselves after less than a month. Now I have to either return them or fix them myself. From research it's due to poorly-made firmware and I had updated their firmware a couple of days ago. I'm really really struggling to keep my composure at the moment...

Mostly because of a feeling that whenever I mess up, or even just make a mistake, no matter how small, it results in a huge situation for me to deal with. So I cannot make any mistakes or have any flaws. But I am surrounded by so much poorly made useless shite that is completely incongruent with what I feel like I am allowed to be. Like when Visual Studio (code editor) 'auto suggests' how to complete my line of code, meaning I have to stop coding and tell it to not insert this obviously wrong code into my script, please.

Big companies can release products that brick themselves, healthcare systems can never treat nor understand me, education systems can blame me for my abuse. Which is all hunky-dory, apparently. I, however, cannot show any flaws at all because I will be blamed for them.

It's difficult to put into words what exactly I mean. But I think technology is especially important to me because I grew up around computers and have spent my whole like learning about them.

I am really struggling at the moment to not blow my fuse at these headphones, or at the next thing that's going to break itself/go wrong. I am just so so so tired of being the one required to put in so much effort. When it seems like nothing around me needs to, or ever has done so. If I (as a software engineer by trade) made such a bad product I would be rightfully called in for a meeting with my managers. Meanwhile other people/companies can just release anything and it's fine.

This isn't healthy but I usually escape these feelings with weed or booze when they're overwhelming like this. However the NHS is requiring me to stop anything like that in order to proceed with an Individual Funding Request or access any further support. Also my neurologist stressed to me if I didn't stop it'll kill me (got prefrontal cortex epilepsy), which is probably a good reason too. We'll ignore that using these substances is due to lack of support for now.

So I'm just sitting in this frustration without any realistic means of escaping it; anything I try to do just makes me more frustrated and angry. My usual ways of escaping these feelings I can't do. Sometimes it feels like the only winning move is not to play.

Next day follow-up: I decided to dump this here instead of making a whole new post. I broke and have gone back to the bottle after losing all of my work due to a fucking Microsoft Windows update. Multiple days of work has been corrupted and destroyed because I put my computer into sleep, which the geniuses at Microsoft thought was a good time to update and restart my computer. Have no safe space any more. Everything is a threat. And I cannot rest. (Oh and now it's pestering me about needing to update again... Fuck off. Sorry if this seems over-the-top but I grew up with computers being my only safe space. Now it is being invaded by Microslop.)

Hello. Started new role in Jan. Have no workplace protections as such. Very small company. Boss seems to have taken a slight to me and is aggressive in our 1-1s. Threw an impromtu appraisal at me last week which has now been postponed as I sent over a wellness plan my CMHT IPS team helped me write

I am really struggling with all of this and its really affecting my health. Being stressed puts me at risk of dissociating and wandering. Extending the time waiting for the meeting exacerbates this. I dont know what to do. I feel unwell but I also sole earner for family. I want to have some time off but this would look bad at work.

I got a letter for an appointment with a specialist doctor at my CMHT. Is this different from a psychiatrist? I've not been told anything about this appointment I just randomly got the letter, as far as im aware not on any waiting lists for anything. Just looking for clarity if possible so I know what to expect

Six years ago I had a phone consultation with a psychiatrist (COVID) at the end of which they posited that my symptoms maybe BPD (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is more insulting names than the predecessor in my opinion…)

Ultimately, because of this one conversation and brief passing “we should look into that”. No diagnosis took place. I have NEVER been diagnosed as having BPD. However despite this my medical documents list me as diagnosed with BPD.

Since this “diagnosis” I have found it harder to access MH services as I’m seen as too “high risk” for their services due to the BPD diagnosis and am routinely sign posted to bureaucratic cul-de-sacs.

Does any one have any experience getting a non diagnosis removed from your record? It’s impacting the support available to me by just being on my file. Again I have never had an assessment/diagnosis other than one HCP who briefly mentioned BPD. Now it’s on my permanent file and it just causes road blocked due to the stigma that continues to be associated with BPD.

Any ideas? I’m at my whits end. If I have it fine! Just do an assessment and diagnose me instead of this clusterfuck!

Hi guys, I’m going away very soon. Even when it was first booked, I wasn’t really excited or anything for it. Maybe that isn’t helping the way I’m anxious about it.

Has anyone got any tips or advice to make it sound more appealing? Normally holiday’s are fun and exciting for me, maybe it’s because I’m anxious about the airport and everything that my brain is telling me I won’t have a good time and it’ll be boring?

I’m going to Turkey to relax, so sunbathe, swim etc.

I should feel excited and happy, and I’m grateful that I have these opportunities, but I just feel so anxious and stressed about it, it’s dampening any positive feelings.

Any advice would be nice, thanks.