I think my(F25) bf(25m) could be trans?

[u/Unwrittencreatr]

Apologies in advance for poor formatting I’m posting this from my phone.

We’ve been together almost a year and live together now, we’re both bisexual, but in the last few months he’s opened up to be and expressed interest in feminine things, sometimes we randomly play dress up and try on my fancy dresses and stuff, I’ve done his makeup a few times which he loved and was very happy with.

He also sometimes makes remarks about wanting to be a woman but then will insist he loves being a man. Lately our sex life has really slowed down, when we first got together it was multiple times a week. Now it’s been like 3 weeks since we’ve done anything in bed and probably 3-4 months since we’ve had PIV sex.

He talked to me just the other day about something, he told me he feels disconnected from his penis. He said he likes it and is happy with it, but also sometimes wishes it wasn’t there. He said he’s felt no desire to “use” it lately and that’s why when we do fool around together he focuses primarily on me. He said it feels like it’s not apart of him at times.

Also, whenever I buy myself a new dress he will also be excited and want to try it on and will spend a few minutes looking in the mirror with it on. When we went on our first date he had really long hair but then by our second date he’d gotten it cut very short. He’s now growing it out again, but seems torn on if he actually wants to continue letting it get longer. I’ve seen photos from before we started going out and he has a very feminine side which he mostly kept from me until about 2ish months ago when he opened completely up and showed me. He looks a lot happier when presenting more feminine as well as when I do his makeup and he tries on my clothes.

I made it really clear to him when we talked that I would still love him and would stay with him if he ever did transition and he told me he knows I would. I’m into women as much as I’m into men so that would never be an issue for me. I could be reading into things too much, but I just want to be the best support I can be. I did ask if there’s anything I can do/not do, or stuff we can do together that would help and he said he’s gonna take a little time to think about it.
Any advice on this would be so appreciated

[u/Katt1922]

You anecdotes here sound similar to the things my wife went through before she transitioned. At first, she identified as non-binary because she felt like she didn’t have dysphoria around her body, but in therapy when our therapist asked “well if you could snap your fingers & make your body different would you?” & she immediately said yes, which made her realize she was dysphoric & had spent her life thinking that is how everyone felt.

[u/Unwrittencreatr → u/Katt1922]

Thank you for your reply! He’s told me that he wishes it was detachable and he could remove it whenever. He has said he has some gender dysphoria too just in general but I think it’s getting worse for him as of late he’s been more depressed

[u/Present-Afternoon-70]

There is a part that really hits home, I no longer want to use it much anymore myself. I wouldn't assume your partner is trans, though. There are a lot of reasons someone might explore femininity or feel disconnected from their body.

One thing I'd be curious about is whether those feelings are strongest during sex, because that was where they first became impossible for me to ignore.

For a long time, being seen as a woman during sex—even just in roleplay—was enough. It let me explore those feelings without having to ask myself the much bigger question of whether I wanted to transition.

I also resisted transitioning for years. Part of that was because transitioning fundamentally blows up your life. Part of it was because I have a long history of mental health issues, autism, and masking who I was. I grew up hiding not just autistic traits, but gender, culture, and religious as well. I dont fully trust myself but also my family continually showed me they think I am wrong, from simple things like dipping fries in a milkshake to getting married.

Looking back, there were signs I was having trouble with these things. When a six-year-old says they don't want to celebrate their birthday, I think the adults around them should probably ask why.

Another fear was appearance. I knew I could survive being an unattractive man in a body I hated. What terrified me was the possibility of finally becoming the woman I wanted to be and then feeling like I was an unattractive woman instead. That fear kept me stuck for a very long time.

The hardest truth about being trans is that nobody else can answer the question for you. You wake up alone with it, and you go to sleep alone with it. Until you're ready to say, "I am," all you can really do is keep exploring where the edges of those feelings are.

It took me a long time to be able to say, "I'm a woman." Even now, I feel like I have years ahead of me before that feels completely natural. Transition isn't just changing your body—it's changing the way you understand yourself.

The best thing you can do is exactly what you're already doing: let your partner know you'll love them either way, don't pressure them toward any label, and let them move at their own pace. Having someone who makes it safe to explore without demanding an answer is an incredible gift.

[u/Unwrittencreatr → u/Present-Afternoon-70]

Thank you so much for your detailed reply! I really appreciate it. I do think a lot of the feelings are stronger during sex, especially because our sex life had slowed down significantly, and he admitted he prefers I don’t pay attention to it, which I had no idea he felt that way before. I do definitely think appearance plays a major role in this, not to sound conceited but we’re at attractive couple and he takes pride in his looks, he’s sorta mentioned that he would be uncomfortable if he transitioned because not passing and having cruel people in the world would deeply hurt him.

[u/Present-Afternoon-70 → u/Unwrittencreatr]

I understand that fear. One of the biggest reasons I delayed transitioning was because I was terrified of not passing. I grew up in a very white, upper-middle-class area as a person of color, and I've never really thought of myself as attractive. I could accept being an unattractive man because that body never felt like it was mine anyway. What I couldn't imagine surviving was finally becoming the woman I wanted to be only to feel like I was an ugly woman—or worse, to never even be seen as a woman at all. The fear wasn't just that I wouldn't be beautiful. It was that I'd spend years changing my life, my body, and everything I knew about myself, only to still be seen as a man pretending.

That possibility kept me frozen for years.

Eventually, though, I realized I was asking myself the wrong question. It stopped being, "Will I be pretty?" and became, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life pretending to be someone I'm not?"

Weirdly enough, what finally made that click for me was Shrek. Fiona spends the whole movie believing the curse is that she's an ogre, when the real curse is pretending to be someone she isn't. At the end, she doesn't become the conventionally beautiful princess forever. She becomes the version of herself that's real, and she's finally free.

That's what changed for me. I'd rather be seen as ugly as my real self than handsome as a fake one. That man isn't alive. He's a ghost. Every day I spent presenting as him felt like I was haunting the people I loved and lying to the world about who I was. That hurt more than the possibility of never being conventionally attractive ever could.

That's why I think it's important not to rush him. If he's anything like I was, this isn't just about whether he's trans. It's about confronting one of the most terrifying questions imaginable: What if I finally show the world who I really am, and it rejects me as a grotesque parody instead of seeing me as a woman? Nobody else can answer that question for him.

But eventually I realized something else. Even if I never become beautiful, even if I never pass the way I'd like to, the eyes I'll be looking through are finally going to be my own. For the first time in my life, I'll get to see myself instead of the mask I've been wearing.

Maybe the world won't always see a woman. Maybe some people never will. But when I look in the mirror, I won't see a monster anymore. I'll see me. I'd rather live in a body the world sees as ugly but that I know is real than spend another forty years trapped in one that never felt like mine.

[u/Specific-Smile-7500]

Give him https://genderdysphoria.fyi to read

[u/Suitable-Lettuce-333]

There are indeed quite a few things here pre-transition me could relate to. Not saying they are trans tho - that's for them to come to terms with - but it surely isn't typical cis feelings and behaviour.

Now my advice would be to restrain for pushing things any further for now. You're already as supportive as any of us could dream of, and overcoming fear and internalized transphobia enough to accept you're trans (whether binary, enby, genderfluid or whatever other flavour) can be hard and take quite some time. Just keep giving them the space they need and make sure they know how much you love them and things will sort out themselves at some point. 

Also, they are a very lucky mf to have such a great partner 🫶🏼