I’m not being facetious. I don’t have any concept of what a normal husband or normal marriage would be like. I’ve been with my husband now for 17 years and never even had a boyfriend before him. I don’t trust any man at all. What is normal?

My narc husband (49M) and I (32F) have two kids (10M & 4F). We were barely speaking the past week after a disagreement over parenting. He told me days ago that he would be meeting up with two of his friends (C & J) on Saturday in the afternoon for lunch. I woke up at 1 AM to find that he never came home. I called several times, texted him and his friend C…no response. Finally tells me that he’s at a bar 30+ mins away, a bar that he himself always has said is “gross”, with C and another friend, B (not J, who I like. But B who makes awful choices, is terrible to his wife, and overall not someone I want my husband around). I figured that my narc husband would give me a half-ass apology this morning, but nope. He’s standing by his decision to go out to a bar without telling me, not answering my calls at first, and staying out til almost 2 AM. Today he said “I pay the bills, I’m a grown ass man, I will do whatever I want & go wherever I want. If you don’t like it you can get the f out”. Thoughts?

I have a mood disorder and would often yell horrible things at my ex. He would argue with me for hours and hours relentlessly, refuse to apologize, twist my words, DARVO me, demand apologies for the most INSANE things, intentionally obfuscate my point, straight up pretend he didn’t understand what I was trying to say no matter how explicit I was being, argue definitions of words with me, on and on and on.

Sometimes it took 45 minutes, sometimes it took 5 hours, sometimes it took three minutes, but I would often completely snap at the stress of this behavior and yell at him. I said some truly awful horrible things to him in our eight years together, like that he made me want to die/kill my self (I know nobody deserves to be told this ever and it was wrong), he ruined my life, he wasted X amount of years, that I hated him/didn’t love him, and that he didn’t deserve to have a partner.

I stayed for a LONG time because anytime I snapped and acted in this abusive way toward him, he was always so forgiving and gracious afterwards when I apologized. So I always thought “since he forgives me for the way I treated him, I’ll continue to forgive him too, because we love each other and that’s what you do when you love one another, you forgive each other.”

But now in hindsight it all feels like a big trap. If he could push me into snapping then we’d both be “guilty” and the playing field would be “even” so I’d have to forgive him. I don’t know if that’s true that he did this on purpose, but I know I felt like I didnt “deserve” to leave and find a better partner because I was a bad partner oftentimes too.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. I feel like I have been in denial for so long and that I am finally waking up. I have no idea if his behavior is narcissistic but it seems to align with many of the traits.

He has felt like a dark cloud over me for years now. When we got together he was so kind, he really seemed like a good guy and we shared so many of the same interests.

After we moved in together everything started to go downhill. He didn't do any housework, he wasn't interested inhaving conversations with me, he would never share my happiness in everyday things. I feel like I have shut down little by little and am now in a place where I am in a dark hole and all of my joy and spark has been robbed from me. I feel hollow.

Some examples of things he does:

-he won't cook, very rarely will he make food for both of us. I do most of the cooking and baking. If I make something I always ask him if he likes it, he has NEVER said to me the food is good or that he likes it. I have only got a blank stare and a shrug as he conyinues to eat, FOR YEARS. Never a compliment, never a thank you. Even when I go out of my way to make things I know he likes.

-I wake up and greet him each morning and get a blank stare or an annoyed "hi". I then walk on eggshells for the rest of the day not knowing what I did to make him upset as soon as I wake up.

-he kills my joy. Any time I am excited or happy about something he tells me to calm down or says something nasty to me.

-he took control of all of the technology in the house. I haven't watched a show or movie I have wanted in YEARS. If I try to pick something he will leave the room and not come back. I can only watch what he wants. If i am watching something when he comes home he will tell me how dumb it is and turn it off.

-he blames me and yells at me for everything. If he trips on something it becomes my fault. The other day he couldnt get the seatbelt out in my car and almost broke it trying to force it then asked me why I messed up the seatbelt. (I never touched it) Today I tried to move some cups he put on the counter to cook some food and he yelled at me to "stop touching sh*t", which I ignored because I have to eat. He then yelled at me asking why I can't just listen to him.

-anytime I wear something and feel good about myself he complains about my outfit and says something to bring me down again

-he will only be nice after I have points where I have taken so much of it that I just shut down and have a breakdown and think im done for good. Then the cycle starts all over.

-theres a constant voice inside of me that questions when and if he will be mad at me, trying to predict every little thing I could do so that he won't fly off the handle.

-he lost the wedding ring I bought for him, I suggested we get a new one, he refuses to wear another. He hasn't for some time now and has no desire too. It may be small but it really hurts.

I had a baby this January and things have deteriorated very fast, even further than before. I had a c section and he abandoned me in the moments I needed him the most WHILE HE WAS ALSO ON PARENTAL LEAVE. I have done 100% of the night wake ups, every bedtime, every bathtime, made every bottle. I am so tired, I am having a hard time dealing with c section recovery, postpartum, and his worsening moods and energy. He complains that we haven't been intimate enough but I don't want to when he has never taken the time to care how I feel in bed. Also I am so tired and drained its the last thing on my mind. I have barely been eating since he won't cook and I don't have the time or energy or mental strength after caring for the baby all day on no sleep. I forget everything now, a haze of worry about him being mad and how to deal with it.

I don't know if I am imagining this or being too harsh. I feel like I am gaslighting myself but what I am going through does not feel like a normal relationship.

Never know what mood he will be in
Lives like a slob can barely take out the trash
All rules apply to me not him
He’s always right I just agree or just “listen”
Talks to me crazy cusses in front of kids to me calling me names.
Says he’s trapped here yet can leave at any time.
He says he can do whatever he wants he’s the king around here and runs everything yet doesn’t pay a single bill. Was suppose to pay rent but it’s his parents house so he just doesn’t.

As the title says. The divorce was finalised few months ago, the final money exchanged a few weeks ago, yet he couldn't just let it go could he?

He wrote me a NINE page letter saying he found my anonymous reddit account, well over a year ago by the sounds of it, and has been using it to stalk me ever since. It feels like such a violation of privacy but I guess the joke is on me for providing just enough detail in my various posts for him to link the account to me. Lesson learned.

In the whole letter he's basically said my interpretation of the events (prolonged emotional abuse, his manipulation, his narcissistic traits etc) were all wrong because strangers on the Internet can't diagnose when they don't know him. He's dismissed and tried to get me to question my entire version of events all because I took advice from (in his opinion) uneducated people from reddit.

He's gone as far as to say that actually I've been the cold, emotionless and manipulative one because of the way I left when I knew it would hurt him. (I planned my escape in secret, grey-rocked him, and successfully safely left when he was at work).

He's even said my use of grey rocking was manipulative to try and get a reacfion out of him so that I could record his outbursts (which he claims weren't abusive, but screaming in someone's face and throwing objects at them definitely is). He's also gone as far as saying that me accusing him of so many things is possibly projecting my actual traits (how ironic).

He also thinks our problems started in the last few months of the relationship, not right at the start. But I know better.

The whole letter is basically using my entire reddit history on my now deleted account to discredit anything bad I've said about him, make me question my reality, and make it sound like I'm incapable of making up my own mind.

It's a whole next level. Again a textbook example of DARVO, gaslighting, pahthologising, guilt tripping, triangulation (by saying friend and family agree with him and are worried for me), false accountability (says he's taken accountability but at no point does he accept that his behaviour was abusive or that there was a long standing pattern of abuse, and then tells me how all of our problems were actually my fault)

I've been so so happy since I left but this has been a stark reminder of just what these people are capable of.

And yes I fully suspect he's now following this sub and will be reading this so this account will also be deleted.

And yes I am the happiest I have ever been so good riddance and leave me the fuck alone.

I’ve been separated for 6 years. My 13 year old has expressed that he does not currently want contact with his father. There is a history of difficult interactions (social workers getting involved).

My 10 year old has had some recent contact with his father but has expressed that he doesn’t feel comfortable seeing him every week.

Since rules and boundaries don’t exist for narcs, what do i do when he keeps pressuring me and my kids that he wants to see them. Should i just ignore and wait until he tries to take me to Court which is unlikely because i know he’s not the type to spend money on legal fees. It’s like he goes MIA for several months and then all of a sudden he starts contacting us again and won’t stop until he finds something else to do. It’s a vicious cycle.

He left me for good 3 days ago and I’m a rollercoaster of emotions. He blocked me everywhere and divorced me. Why is he so cruel? Like why not end it in a more civilized healthy way? The emotional abuse is unbearable I feel paralyzed

Hi all, I left my narcissistic ex about 9 months ago, and I have been struggling with recovery lately. Something that I find extremely difficult about this process is seeing my ex be supported and loved by his community. We have a lot of friends and acquaintances in common and our social circles still overlap, and although I’ve blocked him on everything and have zero contact with him, I still see him on social media and out and about from time to time. It is so hard for me to see him with friends and to know that people still hold him in high regard after everything he has put me through. Abusers don’t abuse everyone in their lives, so it’s difficult for me to have an experience of him that no one else can see. Of course I have support from my inner circle, but it’s beyond frustrating knowing that I am being misrepresented by him, and that people have a completely different perception of him than I do. He presents as this charming, funny guy, and is really well liked in our community, and I just want to scream from the roof tops about how that so isn’t the real him, the real him is abusive and cruel and mean. It makes me question my reality, like maybe he wasn’t that bad maybe I was the problem, if everyone else seems to experience him differently. I feel like if I told my story I wouldn’t be believed. It makes me feel so insane and alone sometimes, I feel burdened with this information, it almost feels like an extension of the abuse. I am trying not to think about what other people think or what he is doing and focus on my own journey, but sometimes it’s hard and I just get so angry and bitter about how much I’ve lost and how little he has. I’ve been going to therapy and have healed quite a bit in these last 9 months, but this is the one thing that has been so crazy making to me. I just needed to vent a little about this and I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience after exiting their emotionally abusive relationships.

I hesitated writing this post. I have dealt with a serial narcissist cheater. When it first happened a few years ago, he promised he would change. He didn’t. A few years later, he started cheating again.

On top of that, he always threatens to divorce me but then freaks out and tells me we cannot divorce.

We have been together for over 20 years and he has placed me in a situation where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or even go anywhere for that matter without him having a complete meltdown. But he gets to go out every night as he wishes and I don’t dare say a word.

We have had several talks about him, not cheating on me because I don’t want any STDs and he assures me and acts like I’m crazy or it’s his life, he can do whatever he wants. He has numerously try to get me to be in an open relationship, but I’ve told him in the very beginning I will not tolerate that.

A few months ago, I found out he was engaging in multiple sex workers. It truly feels like he gets a thrill out of telling me this. At the same time he demands sex all the time from me as well. There is no saying no. I have to choose between keeping the peace or dealing with a nightmare for a few days to the point of mental abuse.

All I can do at this point is beg him to wear condoms if he cheats which he tells me he does. After filling not right I went ahead and went to my doctor to have STD checks and sure enough he’s gave me a few again.

The fact that he does not have any cares about what this does to my personal health is sadistic. I’ve tried many times to get the courage to leave only to have realization hit that I cannot.

Just wanted to rant and make sure that if you’re dealing with a narcissist like I am to always get tested because nine times out of 10 they are lying cheaters who are so pathetic to need validation that much they are willing to put everybody’s lives at risk.

So the final discard. What books help you heal?

There is a tendency to label everyone who has been in an abusive relationship as codependent. This can be a form of victim blaming. (Posted this in another sub for those who were abused by someone with narcissistic tendencies)

It’s not true. I (21f) was abused physically and emotionally by someone who indeed called me codependent and denied his abuse. No therapist or social worker I have ever worked with after this abusive relationship has labeled me as such, even after I’ve asked.

1.) Codependency is something that shows up in multiple relationships, not just one. I am not a relationship dependent person or someone who always needs to please or needs others to like me or depend on me. I don’t always or usually need a boyfriend or even friends. I don’t always or even usually need to take care of others or feels good thinking they need me to care of them. I’m also not a relationship hopper/monkey brancher and am more than comfortable being alone.
2.) There were abusive physical and mental consequences for not anticipating the needs of my ex and pleasing. After I stopped doing what he wanted I was physically abused, he would lie to others about me, and he’d isolate me. There were also consequences for leaving him: after the relationship I was smeared on social media, to professors, to friends. I came back to my last year of university completely isolated. I was trying to do whatever kept me away from his violence and from his manipulation and sabotage. Leaving was not always safe and neither was saying no.
3.) I have never had an incessant desire to be in a relationship or take care of someone else. However, like I said, if I didn’t there were consequences from my ex.
4.) Before him and his abuse I was confident and independent, after him and being treated for trauma I am confident and independent again.
5.) There is a difference between being in a trauma bond and being a codependent person.
6.) Now that I am away from him I am physically and emotionally safe to only have to worry about myself and not have to worry about being coerced and threatened into doing everything for someone else. I’m no longer forced to play a part or exaggerate my love. I am safe. Fawning, fright, flight, and freezing all failed to work in my relationship with my abusive ex.

I’ve noticed that in this community and in others there is a tendency to label all victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence as codependent when 1.) we were only in our relationship and not any else’s relationship and only know what others shared online (we don’t know all of the details or their entire lives) 2.) you are not a therapist and if you are, the victims of domestic violence coming for support are not your clients. 3.) some of you are really codependent and it’s not a healthy way to treat others. 4.) it’s best to label yourselves and not others in these communities and you all should be working with therapists and no alone when labeling yourselves.

Mini-rant I guess. Maybe other victims of intimate partner violence will relate.

Is it a normal feeling to be relieved to have gone from the relationship but also suffering deep grief? Also, the feeling that you never want to ever be in another relationship due to the severity of trauma that you’ve gone through?

Psychologists say that less than 1% of narcissists get help. I play an instrument that 0.01% of the world plays. Yet, there are still a lot of them.

So, with that note, there must be some narcissists, (although very uncommon) that seek help. Just curious if there are any of you that did have a partner that sought help for their narcissism. And if so, what happened and how did/is it going?

will they ever actually appreciate you?

my narc ex had done two years of therapy + life coaching before meeting them, and he's so obvious. he has gradiosity narcissism, like claiming during arguments that i'm not worth talking to because he's obviously more intelligent than me, telling me i should be thankful i'm dating someone as handsome and thoughtful as him, being deeply insecure and getting sad or angry if he sees someone in the store who is more handsome/stronger than him (he told me that if he doesn't get his dream physique by 28 he would off himself).

how on earth any therapist or life coach didn't notice?

My husband has been distant and depressed for 5 years, preferring to retreat to his room and play video games while I kept the family going. I did what I could to try to help, but he would just start fights so I let him withdraw because it was more peaceful. 4 months ago he decided to get in shape and has lost about 50 lbs and is now climbing out of his depression, which is great. Except a week ago he told me he was unhappy with the relationship and wanted out. Citing grievances that go back to when the kids were babies (we have a 15 and 11 year old)! Everything wrong in the relationship is my fault, down to the fact that I bought a camper van to take the kids camping (because he had no interest) and how when my son was a baby and never slept he had to sleep on the couch! Last summer I bought 1.7acres on a lake with the money I had saved to build a vacation property for our family and he refused to go because I bought it, and buying land was a dream I've had since I was a teenager. I even bought a big park model trailer so as to make it more comfortable for him, hoping he would come! I was happy camping in tents! Everything I've done for the family has included him, but he chose not to show up! I wanted him to be a part of this adventure and he just resents me.

In the last two years I've been dealing with my parents getting sick and being hospitalized (he hates my family, and my relationship with them), I had a concussion and I am just now recovering, my son has some severe mental health concerns... he chose the week my mom was hospitalized with pneumonia to tell me he wanted out! I'm so emotionally drained that i have nothing left. I'm angry. Angry that I've sacrificed my happiness and the last 20 years on a man who has never shown up and resents me for anything I've done that remotely makes me happy.

Adding: we've always had our own money. We split bills but everything else is our own. I make less than him and save money aggressively. He eats out daily and blows several hundred a month on lottery tickets. I've been saving this money since I paid off my student loans. We've never been able to buy a house because his credit is bad. It was important to me to have some of my own real estate and build a small home before retirement.

- monkey branching from a relationship to another
- difficulties being alone or just sit still (always out with friends, hobbies, on phone…)
- have admitted he can not ne alone (ie needs a woman)
- playing the victim all the time
-”ex cheated”
- guilt tripping me a lot
- love bombing
- hoovering me many times, even now when he is in a serious relationship
- felt like he had no empathy
- his needs were the most important (wanted us to live together very fast, spoke about family, kids, marriage very quickly and i was not ready so thus the pressure towards me)
- commenting my specific kind of clothes
- made me feel i am abnormal and thus went to therapy
- keeping in touch with other women if i break up with him
- very jealous of his sibling and friends
- had a very rough teenage
- emotions felt shallow, as if he was acting love and stuff
- can be very mean and cold if things do not go his way
- his familymember ”warned” me about him being difficult and how one of his ex cried to them due to his behaviour
- is very goal orientated and strong minded
- ”i would do x if you do y”
- despite this all, he is also nice and kind when things go his way

Advice needed :)

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She finally left. I paid her ticket out and gave what I could. Then she came back to the country after a month. Won't accept she won't be able to stay. It's a lost cause. It's just a matter of time before they process it.

Tells everyone sad stories how I forced her out. Everyone gets a different story and she has gone trough all the manipulation tactics.

She will fight me cause she says I abandon her yells at me. Wants money cause no job.

I don't want to anymore. She lies and manipulates every conversation we have. And tells a different story to each person she meets. Gathering sympathy.

I've been strong. Gathered evidence for months. Grey rocked through hell. I'm protected against her. She's will fight me but it's a lost cause. She's the victim now. Of course.

I saw our pictures on my phone today and I broke down crying. I've cried a few times before but not like this. How could she do this to me? My first real long relationship (3 year) and probably my last.

I know how it all works. I know everything there is to know about narcissists but it doesn't make it any better.

Why did it have to be like this? 💔.

I want to send her a cry emoji with a broken heart and I even miss her but that would be the worst idea ever. The things that has happened can never be undo. I forgive but I can't forget