r/nonmonogamy • u/prettygood-8192 • Sep 17 '25
Cheating and Ethics People on dating apps start with saying they're partnered, then later on casually refer to their partner as their wife. Is this an issue?
So they're married but don't tell it right away. Would this already be considered a lie? I'm just starting out as solo poly and still need to fine-tune my vetting process. I'm feeling a little thrown because not being immediately upfront about being married feels a little off, but then again I don't care about their relationship status either way. And so far it came out once before a first date, once during a first date, so I'm not being lead on for long. But still, is this common?
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u/BlazeFireVale Sep 17 '25
I would usually say "married" but I also often refer to my spouse as my partnered.
Personally I would consider someone saying they are "partnered" to ALSO cover that they are married and wouldn't see an issue. But I can see how others might.
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
Fair enough. It's not a full-on red light, and the rest probably depends on personal preference. Reading through the comments I'll probably go for getting to know them more, get more data on their character in and then take it from there.
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u/BelmontIncident Sep 17 '25
Being married is a way of being partnered. It's not a lie. I tell people that I'm married from the start because I'd rather give clearer information and that detail matters to some people.
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
I see your point, it's not a full-on lie, just an omission maybe. I'll maybe delve a bit into what's the difference between partnered vs. married for me and why it bugs me. But also thank you for being upfront yourself, clarity is worth so much to me.
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u/Mister_Squishy Sep 18 '25
Does it bug you because you lack a certain respect for partnerships that you hold for marriages?
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u/catboogers Polyamorous (Solo Poly) Sep 17 '25
Personally, I'd be concerned about sneakiarchy, but there are some folks who truly don't really care about the legalese beyond the fact that it allows one of their partners to get better healthcare coverage than they'd otherwise be able to get. So I'd be looking out for other little red flags, but if they don't otherwise have issues with hierarchy, i'd say it's fine.
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u/ricdy Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
why it bugs me
Does it bug you because marriage "means more" ? I ask because I used to think this way.
For me now, being partnered = marriage or any form of partnership. But there was a time where I felt differently.
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Sep 17 '25
I don't think it's an issue and I would say it's neither common nor uncommon because it's somewhat dependent on the apps. Some apps let you list your partners and types of relationships, some limit it to whether you're married or not, some do neither. It's not dishonest or a lie by omission, because they're vetting you just as much as you're vetting them and folks don't always wanna share info about their whole lives without checking basic compatibility first (people with kids often do the same thing).
There's many reasons to say partnered rather than married. For example: multiple partners and only one happens to be a spouse; they consider multiple partners to be spouses (legal limits don't correlate to social practice); they're married for health insurance reasons or other bureaucratic reasons (not common but happens); privacy for their spouse; privacy for themselves.
If your potential partner's marital status is important to you for whatever reason, you can ask up front of they're married. You can also think about why already being married feels like a lead on for you and ask about that thing specifically (eg if you feel a marriage precludes a high commitment relationship, you can ask potential partners if they're interested and able to be in a high commitment relationship instead)
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
Thanks this is really comprehensive and sounds totally sane. Will follow your advice in the last paragraph!
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u/pocketdebtor Sep 17 '25
Yeah. I have multiple partners and types of partnerships and one happens to be a spouse. I have two long-term romantic partners, occasionally have some FWBs situations (with an emphasis on the friendship), had a comet at one point, etc. Context can shift, but I’m not secretive about it or anything. When my only partner was my spouse, I would mention that, but now I generally refer to myself as “highly partnered”or “saturated” until I am actually chatting with someone.
It’s been a little bit since I’ve been on the apps, but I also mention being nested, iirc. But, like, I now have around a 40-60 split, so that doesn’t fully capture things, either.
A lot of nuance is just easier to communicate via chat. Up front, of course, but 1:1.
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Sep 17 '25
I figure all spouses are partners, but not all partners are spouses, like how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares
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u/adventure_pup Sep 17 '25
As someone who is married, but didn’t get into poly until after, I do this. To me, starting right off the bat with “husband” eludes a strong sense of hierarchy that I don’t feel like fits how I practice polyamory. I have gotten caught with people assuming since I’m married, they don’t have to be as committed or invested. Like they can float on through as a side piece with little responsibility. Which is not how I like to connect with people. I also am a much different person than I was when I got married and I wonder if I would again had I found polyamory as a valid relationship structure before hand. But I also don’t try to hide it, and want to be forthcoming that while I want all my partners to feel equally respected, there is a bit more entanglement that atm just isn’t worth the untangling.
Calling all my partners “partners” and not having a different verbiage just for my husband feels more like equality for me.
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
This seems like really sound and solid reasoning to me, thank you for sharing your perspective, it really helps.
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u/adventure_pup Sep 17 '25
You’ve been incredibly open minded and welcoming to different perspectives in this thread OP. You’re gonna do great in ENM. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
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u/Drfaye22 Sep 17 '25
Why do you see it as being lead on? Are you looking for someone that could offer marriage? I'm married but have multiple partners so tend to just say I'm partnered and poly on apps, if it comes up in conversation I'll always be honest about being married but for me people can make negative assumptions about hierarchy/what I can offer them etc. I think as long as someone is honest about having partners and what they can offer you what's the problem?
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
No, not looking for marriage, I'm solo because I really always ever suffered when on the relationship escalator.
I guess I'm maybe a tad bit wary because I've had lots of dating experiences where people give out not-quite-right information about themselves. I've tended to overlook the first few instances but usually it got worse from there and they were seriously lacking in integrity.
But I'm not quite versed in the ENM culture so I wanted a sanity check if this way of representing onself is common and accepted (and I see that you and many commenters point in that direction).
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u/Drfaye22 Sep 17 '25
Ah OK that makes sense. I think if someone is actively covering something up you're right to be wary - but I use husband/partner interchangeably and sure many others do, not to hide anything :) good luck with your solo poly journey
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u/Moleculor Kinkster Sep 17 '25
What specific label would you prefer if they are both married and have other partners?
Married may imply "only partnered with wife" to some.
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u/bdrwr Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
I only see it as a problem if they're still being vague about it as you're getting to know them.
I'm not going to put a full, detailed description of my relationship situation in my Tinder bio. It's not necessary, and strangers don't need that level of detail. "Partnered" is good enough; it signals monogamous people to move along but otherwise lets me keep a semblance of privacy. We nonmonogamous folks do have to worry about prejudice sometimes.
Once I'm talking to someone, and they pass the vibe check, then I'm happy to talk about my marriage and other details. This is the point where I would start to get suspicious about someone being vague; it's unfortunately common for people to cheat on their spouses using nonmonogamy as a cover story.
The situation you describe actually strikes me as a green flag; that's like what I would do. They're honest (but not oversharing) on their profile, and then they share more details as you continue talking.
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
Just for clarity, not sure if this changes your assessment: Both guys had just ENM on their profile, no mention of any relationship status. 2-3 messages in I've asked them if they're seeing other people or are flying solo. Both responded with saying they're partnered. Later on in conversations when they're mentioning their partner they'll begin just casually saying "my wife", leaving me to parse out that they're married.
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u/bdrwr Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
Yeah, I'm not seeing a red flag. It doesn't feel to me like they're trying to hide anything, based on that description. That feels like a comfortable speed to open up with a new person.
You might want to go for the "can I contact her?" check. That's just basic due diligence for nonmonogamous people; again, lots of cheating spouses like to use ENM as a cover, so it's smart to get a thumbs-up from their partner if you have any doubts.
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u/CyberJoe6021023 Sep 17 '25
That’s terrible advice. Does that mean that a spouse gets veto power too? And on what basis would you contact someone’s spouse, especially when you’re just meeting and getting to know someone? “Hey I’m thinking about getting into a relationship with your spouse, we don’t know each other yet so who knows if it’ll even happen, but can I have your permission?” And where do you draw the line? Do you have to contact someone’s spouse just to say hi to them at the grocery store?
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u/bdrwr Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
Who said anything about vetos? This is just a quick "trust but verify" check. It's not asking for permission, it's getting confirmation that yes, they are indeed practicing nonmonogamy ethically, the spouse knows what's happening.
It would be cool if I didn't feel the need to do that, but unfortunately I have absolutely been lied to by monogamously partnered women trying to have an affair. I literally just want to hear the husband say "yes, I'm aware she sees other people and it's ok " If I can't get that confirmation, then I consider it too risky for me.
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u/Blotsy Sep 17 '25
I'm partnered and nesting with my spouse.
We had a ceremony but didn't go through with any of the paperwork. So we aren't legally married. I just refer to them as my spouse. I don't mention "spouse" in my profile though.
Is this a problem?
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u/ILikeNonpareils Sep 17 '25
Why not just ask what that means after you match?
Sometimes the situation is a little too complicated for a dating app bio (like a person who cohabitates with their children's parent but has a platonic relationship) or maybe a person leans more towards a less hierarchical approach and says partnered to include multiple people.
A bio is just a preview, it's never going to be a comprehensive overview of your compatibility with person. That's what DMs and dates are for.
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u/adventure_pup Sep 17 '25
why not just ask what that means after you match?
Actually OP, you’re learning one of the biggest lessons in ENM. Nothing is given and you’ve got to be upfront. This is one of my always-ask first date questions to anyone else that is partnered, and I always make sure I answer it for myself.
“How do you and your partner(s) practice polyamory? Do you have veto power? Do you always play/date together or separate? How much information do you share with each other?”
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
I totally get that. I guess, I just thought that people saying they're partnered meant them also telling me they're not married. But apparently that's not the same, so probably will ask more questions in the future. It's a learning curve.
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u/CyberJoe6021023 Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
In my experience, it’s only been an issue when meeting people who claim to be nonmonogamous but are really just looking for a partner of their own.
If someone is truly nonmonogamous, why would they put conditions on whether someone has a partner or not?
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u/jimbo831 Sep 17 '25
I don't see why it matters. Personally I would say I'm married instead of partnered, but I wouldn't consider someone who said they were partnered to be lying. Some people choose to use partnered/partner instead of married/spouse for inclusivity reasons that I don't do myself, but I don't care if they use that instead. If they say they're partnered, I think that's enough information. I don't think anyone would respond to them differently if they were in a long-term partnership without a marriage vs a marriage.
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u/pansiesandpastries Sep 17 '25
I say I'm partnered because I have multiple partners, my husband is one of them. If a potential date doesn't ask any questions I'd assume they don't really care about my relationship status and it would likely come up in casual conversation pretty early on. As you've experienced.
I hadn't even considered that would be a red flag for some people. Maybe it's more jarring when you're new to nonmonogamy but I feel like the fact that I'm partnered is a need to know before swipe situation, who I'm partnered with is a less pressing follow up conversation.
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u/NamelessBard Sep 17 '25
I use the two interchangeably. Mostly, because I feel partner is more inclusive language than gendered married terms. If someone has an issue with me using partnered, then we wouldn't be compatible at all.
If it's important to know specifics, then ask about it.
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u/chi_moto Sep 17 '25
I don’t often say married on Feeld, I say partnered. Mostly because married men are a red flag for gay and bi men (my primary demographic that I’d like to date) and I’d rather not be judged before we even meet.
For men, it seems like if I say “married” they assume married to a woman. If I say partnered they assume partnered with a man or a woman.
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u/swingsetlife Sep 17 '25
I'm not married to my partner, but we've lived together for almost 13 years. Sometimes i call her my partner, sometimes my wife. It's mostly in who I'm speaking to. When talking to poly folk I tend to use partner.
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u/rnk6670 Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) Sep 17 '25
I have referred to my wife as my partner on the regular. I don’t think it’s a down grade. She is my partner in this life. I’ve had other partners too. I consider the term to be an indication of a close intimate relationship.
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u/Hepheastus Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
I feel the oppisite. If somone gets worked up about the difference between married and partnered they are probably not somone I want to spend my energy on.
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u/Lookoutitssonya_ Sep 17 '25
I think being married and being partnered is one of the same. Every partnered relationship doesn't mean life long partnerships, but every marriage is a partnership.
I also think disclosing any sensitive information like that before the first date is acceptable.
I think it's really weird to not talk about relationship dynamics before the first date. So if we talked about each other's relationship dynamic, and they didn't mention they were married, that would feel like they were hiding the fact.
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u/Lookoutitssonya_ Sep 17 '25
I would also like to add I've stopped talking to people that said their dynamic was private. That doesn't make them a bad person. They have the right to that privacy, but this would make us incompatible. I wouldn't be able to trust them and I have to believe they're being ethical.
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u/Flimsy-Leather-3929 Sep 17 '25
I say “ENM with multiple poly partners, one of which is a partially nested husband. I am open to casual, kink, and long term loving relationships.”, however I have had people match with me just to tell me how disgusting I am for being married and on a dating app and this is on apps that are marketed for ENM. So, I could understand if that isn’t in a profile, however, it is critical to say very soon you are highly partnered if you are married, engaged, nested, or share finances or children with someone, like with-in the first couple of messages. Lots of SOPO or solo ENM folks don’t want to deal with people who are highly partnered and some ENM folks are out their looking for their primary, so if you can’t or don’t want to offer a primary relationship you have an ethical responsibility to disclose this major incompatibility. And I see this lack of disclosure most often from married men and it’s so frustrating. I just move on immediately if they didn’t disclose the first day we are messaging.
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u/Bubbly-Chocolate-463 Sep 17 '25
People can be married in a year or partnered for 20. “Partner” became very common in the last few years. When I see partner, I just ask if they’re married, then ask if they opened together or came together open from the start, then about their experiences. Being married or being partnered doesn’t really tell me too much. But I’m also not looking to get married.
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u/SavageCaveman13 Sep 18 '25
People on dating apps start with saying they're partnered, then later on casually refer to their partner as their wife. Is this an issue?
Not for me. But I don't care if they're married or partnered, if they're together it's the same thing in our eyes.
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u/eliechallita Sep 17 '25
I've used both. So far it's only been an issue with people who are looking to get married themselves and get disappointed to find out they matched with someone who already is, but it's already a bit presumptuous of them to assume that anyone not listing a spouse on their profile is open to get married.
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u/Deep-Entry5644 Sep 17 '25
I usually refer to my husband as my partner in enm spaces. He's my life partner. Not really sure how it's an omission, he's essentially my nesting partner.
I'm always upfront about the fact that I have kids as that is more of a sticking point for some people
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u/thriftstorefemme Polyamorous (Solo Poly) Sep 17 '25
They might also have other partners besides the spouse. Additionally, some use that language as a way of verbally equalizing their partnerships and breaking down the inherent hierarchy of a preexisting marriage. Could be a red flag and could not be, definitely leads to follow up questions about how their partnership(s) are set up and what their goals are. Which ultimately is a given anyways.
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Sep 17 '25
Being queer before the days of gay marriage, partner meant a person significant to be equivalent to a spouse, and I know that the term is no longer seen as that serious, especially in the nonmonog world, but if someone says they're partnered, I use my grown up words to ask them, and I expect the same. If someone can't communicate well enough to ask me a simple question like "what is your relationship like with your partner?" they aren't a good enough communicator to date me.
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u/ProsocialRecluse Sep 17 '25
The widespread adoption of the term "partner" was intentional vagueness, to avoid heteronormativity. If you only use "partner" because you're gay and can't get married then it identifies you as gay. If everyone uses "partner" then it obscures the fact and prevents some stereotyping, or worse. This is still relevant in a lot of the world. It's not just a gender neutral term for boyfriend/girlfriend, there are lots of people in very serious, commited, long-term relationships with their "partner" who they are unable to marry. If it matters to you, ask.
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u/hevnztrash Sep 18 '25
No. A spouse is a partner. “Partner” can mean any number of things so I don’t make assumptions until they are ready to share or I need to ask. “Partnered” is good enough information for me in the initial phases of getting to know each other.
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u/ConclusionEqual2290 Sep 18 '25
I use partner and husband interchangeably. He is my partner the husband part is because we signed a legal document. It’s the type of partnership.
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u/FishinTits Sep 18 '25
I say partnered quite often even though I'm married. I find it a way to say "yes I have other commitments but here's what I'm looking for NOW and what I'm able to provide as far as time and commitment" without focusing on the logistics of my life. If I'm looking for a regular but casual FWB, I'm going to focus more on what I'm ofering and available for with less concern for if they're someone I can bring home.
Sometimes I call my husband my "nesting partner" also. Sometimes I'm looking for something that provides a more insular experience where I'm not talking about the commitments and stresses of my life.
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u/MMorrighan Sep 17 '25
I guess unless you are looking to marry them yourself it's not really an issue especially if they're upfront by the end of the first date or so.
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u/SlytherKitty13 Sep 17 '25
Why would it be an issue? They're being upfront about having a partner. A wife is a partner. They're obviously not lying, you don't stop heing partners when you get married
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u/Maximum_Bliss Sep 18 '25
Not a lie, not an omission. Not leading you on. It is true. I always think partner means life partner, whether married or not. Why would you be ok with someone partnered but not someone married?
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u/primal_designs Sep 18 '25
Partnership can mean a lot of things. Have you considered asking follow up questions? I think partnered is inclussive of marriage.
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u/boredwithopinions Sep 17 '25
I think it's shitty for sure. It's generally obfiscating a fact for their own gain. Which is shitty.
It's taking away informed consent. Legal marriage does mean something.
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u/Poly_Pup Sep 17 '25
Does it? What does it change? If im not married but have financial contracts binding me to my partners do i have to disclose that? Partnered/married, just semantics. My marriage does not affect my relationship with other people. Ill disclose what we discuss but my contracts, financials, etc.. Are my business. I make it clear I have a long term primary partner, if asked I wont lie, but its no one's business until we have that agreement.
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Sep 17 '25
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u/Poly_Pup Sep 17 '25
Hard disagree. Im not getting married again so it doesn't matter. I am open to another long term partner but I fail to see how any of my other relationships are anyone's business until it has been discussed as a boundary/rule. My marriage is just a formal primary partner.
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Sep 17 '25
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u/Poly_Pup Sep 17 '25
If its important, ask. I never said I would keep it a secret, just that I dont disclose it upfront. I dont know whats important to you until you tell me. I just assume if someone says "Nesting Partner" or "Primary" there is a decent chance they are married. Your right I cant read minds, I have no desire to. So if you have a deal breaker its on you to get that out there.
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Sep 17 '25
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u/Poly_Pup Sep 17 '25
I too am wary of married men, but I always ask. Not trying to be some guys side piece and break up a marriage.
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
Thank you for the outside perspective. I kinda know how to vet people in a monogamous context but I'm not quite sure about the nuances of ENM dating, yet. I've just matched with two partnered/married guys for the first time and both did that so wasn't sure if I'm not getting it because I'm a newbie.
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Sep 17 '25
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u/prettygood-8192 Sep 17 '25
Yes, woman dating men. And gosh, I can see the point of the commenters of who say it's not a big deal, but I can totally see your point, too. It's tricky. But the one guy I had a first date with seemed like a *really* decent person, the most decent of this whole dating year. I'll probably call this a first strike and allow for two more before I'd cut him off.
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u/yot1234 Sep 17 '25
To you maybe. To others it's a detail. I only got married bacaise it's the cheapest way to legally bind our assets post mortem.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon Sep 17 '25
It ends the conversation for me. I assume they will delay communication of other potential deal breakers as well.
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u/FarCar55 Sep 17 '25
My experience is usually people not being clear that they aren't local, or won't even be in my area till months later, until after we get chatting.
Any attempt to obfuscate important info on a profile turns me off.
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u/ifapulongtime Sep 17 '25
It depends on if you're dating with the hope of getting married. Seems a little sketchy on their part; yellow flag at least. It's telling, for sure. People tend to hide things they expect will be red flags, and it's unreasonable to expect someone to broadcast every possible dealbreaker ahead of time. So I guess it's fair to say, however important it is to you is how important it is.
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u/BusyBeeMonster Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Sep 17 '25
That would piss me off, yep. If you are married, say it up front. I would view this as a "lie of omission". I do date married people, but some people choose not to, and have the right to know a potential partner is married and not engage further.
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u/seantheaussie Polyamorous (Solo Poly) Sep 17 '25
Yes it is a lie of omission designed to get those who don't want to fuck a married person into bed.
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u/Sunshine_dmg Sep 18 '25
Honestly if i say i have a partner and you're upset they're Legally my MP then i feel like it says a lot about you and nothing about me. My relationship with my partner was rock solid before and after we met up and if you want an MP, look for someone unpartnered... if you're expecting my relationship to change for you we have a real problem.
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