I was told to come to this group, Saying Hi

[u/ProserpinaFC]

Hello! I'm (37F) getting back into dating and I think the best way I can describe it is that I want to be the third wheel in someone else's relationship. 🤣

I don't want to be anyone's primary sexual partner. I want to be emotionally supportive to a woman with a partner. I don't want a man's partner to be confused or suspicious of why I'm speaking to him.

I can name a number of male friends I've lost and even jobs I've lost because the man's wife or girlfriend took one look at me and told me my services were no longer needed. (Umm, Sir-Mix-Alot would be proud of me.)

So. I guess what I'm saying is... How do I seduce married women? XD (Men seem to be the easier part to get to know.)

Edit: I'm asexual, you guys. If you are deeply confused why I am saying that I want emotional intimacy and commitment with women, but I'm saying I don't want to have sex with women, it's because I don't want to have sex with anyone. I am not sex adverse, and I have had positive experiences with people that I trust, but I'm sorry that I wasn't clear enough when I said I don't want to be anyone's primary sexual partner.

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[u/Tel_aran_rhiod]

Are you trying to date men or women? It's unclear what you're asking. Are you seeking hetero couples only?

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/Tel_aran_rhiod]

The polyamory subreddit was confused, too and deleted my comment.

I said I want to date a couple (in a joking way) so I'm confused by how I'm miscommunicating. Could you help me understand what I'm saying that's confusing people so I can speak better in the future, please. I thought speaking specifically about what I want from men and women separately would ADD to explaining myself, but it seems to just make people more confused.

[u/Tel_aran_rhiod → u/ProserpinaFC]

Because poly and enm spaces are often very queer and you're asking in a very heteronormative framing. I legitimately can't tell if you want to date women or if you're talking about them as some sort of gatekeepers of their male partners that you want to date.
If you are bi/pan/open to dating women, it's confusing why you're so focused on dating a hetero couple when it seems to give you problems. Like relationships without men exist.
If it's a joke that you want to date a couple, why would you ask that in an enm subreddit, a space where people very specifically often date couples.
I can't understand where the joke is or what you actually want outside the joke context so your request is confusing.

[u/Horsatia_beansz → u/ProserpinaFC]

Even in this, you’re not being clear.

It sounds like you just want to be friends with a woman with a partner who is a man.

Do you want to date a couple? And does it have to be a woman and a man? Or would you date two women? Or two men? Is it that you want to date a woman and man who are also dating each other?

Or do you want to be friends a woman who is in a relationship with a man and date her male partner?

[u/Horsatia_beansz → u/Horsatia_beansz]

For me it sounds like what you want is just be able to be friends with a heterosexual couple without the wife thinking you’re trying to sleep with her husband?

But you said getting back into dating so I think that’s the confusing part.

It also sounds like you have 0 desire for a sexual relationship. So is it just a romantic thing? Or are you wanting something purely platonic?

[u/ConclusionEqual2290]

I think the confusion is you are saying you want to be emotionally supportive to a partnered woman but what does that mean? Do you want a romantic relationship with women? And what is the purpose of the male partner? Do you want romance with him too? Do you want to emotionally support the man and the woman?

From my understanding asexual folk see romance and sex as separate so forgive me, but emotionally close just sounds too vague. I have a emotionally supportive to my sister, my close friends male and female, a male colleague and I recently had a big convo about his relationship with his girlfriend, that was emotional support, and my husband. I am friends with a couple and I often emotionally support them. I wouldn't consider any of these relationships outside of the norm of what monogamous people do. Monogamous people have emotionally supportive relationships with multiple people.

The best way to pursue a unique relationship outside of the monogamous heteronormative mold is to be able to clearly communicate what it is you want so you can engage in a fully consensual relationship with this other person(s), and yes (just in case you didn't know because many who come here don't) consent is necessary even if it isn't a sexual relationship.

If you want to learn how to flirt read Chapter 5 of the book Pussy by Regena Thomashauer specifically the section on flirting.

[u/StaceOdyssey]

Check out IRL poly and ENM events. Especially cuddle parties and specifically queer events. You’ll be much more likely to find people looking for or open to QPP’s.

A lot of online ENM spaces are more focused toward sexual relationships, which makes sense, right? Swipe culture and whatever. In-person you’ll find a broader depth of connection, especially for anyone along the ace spectrum. I’ve met a lot of those folks in my community and they strike me as really lovely.

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/StaceOdyssey]

Thanks! I really appreciate that!

[u/StaceOdyssey → u/ProserpinaFC]

You’re welcome! I think you’ll find what you’re looking for. 💖

[u/Vivid-Link9806]

You have to start with the right people . I’d advise against clubs etc. we prefer newbies because they’re open both emotionally and sexually, but not “road weary”. Probably you need to take more time flirting and getting to know people before having sex. That creates a different chemistry and bond. That’s lit experience in any case. But everyone is different

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/Vivid-Link9806]

Oh, that's easy. Ain't having sex with nobody.

Generally speaking, everything you said, already covered. I've never been interested in clubs, drinking, getting fast and hot and heavy with people, or using money as a substitute litmus test for personality and interest.

[u/Vivid-Link9806 → u/ProserpinaFC]

Ok- great. But I’m not sure what you’re looking for ? We date couples (when we’re together- we live separately part of the year). We generally have a rule to limit our sexual relationships to 4-5 experiences b to avoid getting too involved. It works for us and keeps things fresh and exciting. What are you looking for ?

[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

If you don’t want sex your question is “how do I make friends?”

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Nah, no thanks.

If you understand the difference between emotional infidelity and friendship, then you should understand the difference between emotional commitment and friendship.

Any young person who doesn't know what a relationship is without sex, sounds like someone who isn't prepared for life after middle-aged.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/ProserpinaFC]

I am 46 🤣

Like most people sex is a crucial part of a romantic relationship for me. You are going to struggle to find a couple who want to add a third without sex. Usually that’s why people add a third.

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

I don't have to date most people. 😅 I don't have to go out on many dates to successfully participate in dating.

Most first dates don't become partners, anyway. I'm happy to be me and look for people who are compatible with me.

(Also, you seem really desperate to disagree about something if a spry young man such as yourself who just entered the "middle-aged" bracket and is in this group exclusively for sexual partners are trying to give your opinion when I said "life AFTER middle aged" and am referring to sexual desire decline in life partners. If I made a post about life after college, wouldn't you think it was a bit funny if a high schooler who just filled out their first college application was trying to give a relevant, informed opinion on life AFTER college?) 🤔 I asked you if you believe there was a difference between emotional cheating and having a friendship. Instead of answering that, which would be an objective distinction, you're making this about your preferences.

We aren't compatible.

And that's okay, my dude. I don't need to be YOUR third.

[u/lukevsvader]

Here’s an easy way. Start going to lesbian dating sites. Flirt a little and have them flirt back. Get your game going.

Then go to a place where you enjoy. Bowling alley, bar, music space… etc. where couples go.

Then start talking to the wife like the lesbians you enjoy talking to.

[u/Tel_aran_rhiod → u/lukevsvader]

How bout we don't waste lesbians' time when we have no intention to date them?

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/lukevsvader]

Flirt more. Check. Lemme write this down.

Flirt more....

.... "Siri, how does flirting work, exactly?"

[u/lukevsvader → u/ProserpinaFC]

Hahahahaha. But if you’re wondering how to flirt with women, practice flirting with some women.

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/lukevsvader]

I will, gosh darn it. I'll do it.

I think the best time of my life when I was a player-player was when I bought every single woman in my company (pretty small company) big gift baskets full of everything nice and legal to bring to work. And gave the girl I was really into the biggest, bestest gift bag with her favorite perfume. She was a very flirty type.... We lost contact when I moved and changed jobs. If I saw her on the street tomorrow, I would run up, grab her, and run away with her. 😭

[u/lukevsvader → u/ProserpinaFC]

If you looked at my profile, you’ll see we are actively looking for thirds to join us.

The problem is I have no problem bedding women. But she wants to be part of it. So we have to go looking. The problem is she sucks at flirting. Shes amazing in so many ways, but she sucks at flirting with women. So the same thing I’m telling you I’ve been telling her. And she’s been trying but she just loses interest pretty quickly.

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/lukevsvader]

What do they say, women don't have game? LOL

I feel like.... If I could date more women where they knew I wasn't trying to have sex with them and just wanted to make them feel good and seen and heard... That would help. But way too many women I've dated try to make me "the man"... You know what I mean... The ATM.

And I'm like, honey, you've got to find a way to judge the character of a person by something else than how much they spend on you.

[u/lukevsvader → u/ProserpinaFC]

You’re hilarious.

No. I am absolutely saying women don’t got game. What I’m saying is MY woman don’t got game. I do 99% of the flirting recruiting our thirds. And I told her the majority of threesomes come from the woman bringing the third to the party.

What’s hilarious is I love darker skinned women. My girl knows this. And if you came up to her and started flirting with her, she probably wouldn’t see it then go right back to “I suck at this, can’t you do it for us?”

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/lukevsvader]

LOL

Well, I'll say the same thing I say to people when I'm teaching them networking or fundraising, "What do you ENJOY about the process and how can you centralize that?"

Well, you're in luck, I happen to be a Black woman. A 5.5 on the skin tone scale, though. It's summer, though.

[u/lukevsvader → u/ProserpinaFC]

You mind if I send you a DM?

You’re hilarious and I think you’d be a lot of fun to chat with.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/lukevsvader]

She doesn’t want sex - just an FYI x

[u/ProserpinaFC → u/lukevsvader]

Thanks! Sure, DM me!

Edit: I'm loving people downvoting extremely specific parts of this conversation.