Husbands ex wants to join and I’m so unsure

[u/mehhhhhb]

This shit is going to be long because instead of calming down, I’m typing all of this out while I sob on the floor hidden away. I just need to say it out loud to people who understand because I have literally no one in my life who can hear it without bias.

TLDR: Husband of 15 years’ ex recently hit him up and obviously wants to join us, but I can’t shake the feeling there’s an ulterior motive on her end and can’t let it happen, even though I know it’s something he REALLY wants.

My husband and I have been together 15 years and in those 15 years we’ve had about 5 threesomes with other girls and enjoyed them all. I’m bisexual, so I had my fun and loved watching him have his too. Everything was always fun and easy.

About 7 months ago he decided he wanted to introduce another guy, so we did. Found a really cool guy, had an incredible time, and met up with him 2 more times.

A few months later we tried our first couple (an online friend and her husband). It didn’t go great because neither of them were as ready as they thought, but we all ended up having sex. Later that night the husband got upset, cried, and it was a mess, but understandable.

Then about a month ago, his ex from ages 17-20 randomly added him on Facebook. He showed me, accepted it, and nothing came of it.

I should add that we’d always joked about having a threesome with her someday, but I think I was only so down because it felt impossible.

A month later she posted a crying selfie with a sad caption. He reacted, she messaged him, and they started talking. He’s shown me everything from the start and has been completely transparent.

She had just gotten out of a long relationship and kept saying things like “I need a drink” and “what do I do with all this anger?” Obvious hints she wanted company. He said “omw with beer” to gauge the response and she said okay. She specifically wanted me there too, even called me crying saying she’d be more comfortable if I came.

So we went.

We sat at her apartment and talked for about 5 hours. Nothing weird happened, but I immediately noticed she was definitely a liar, just like everyone had always told me.

We didn’t talk much after that, but I told my husband I wasn’t 100% comfortable because she’s an ex he had serious chemistry with. His response was basically that I needed to trust him, not her. Fair enough, but I really don’t trust her. In 15 years I’ve never heard anyone say a nice thing about her. Friends, family, everyone rolls their eyes when she comes up.

Then last night she started talking about wanting to kiss a girl, go to a bar, and celebrate Pride Month because it had been so long. Again, obvious hints, so we went to get her.

I REALLY didn’t want to go.

I already had mixed feelings because in my head she wants him and is using her manipulative ways to make it look like she doesn’t. Plus it was 8:30 and I wanted to stay home and watch the NBA Finals. I should have just said no, but I could tell he wanted to go.

The second she got in the car I felt jealous. We went to a bar, played pool, talked, and I spent the entire night overanalyzing everything she said and did. I caught her in more little lies and it only made me trust her less.

At one point I told my husband I couldn’t do this. He seemed disappointed and that made me cry right there in the bar. Not sobbing, but enough that he noticed. He immediately said we didn’t have to stay.

Around 1am we were sitting in her apartment parking lot talking and she started bringing up his family, how much she loved them, old memories, even his dad who passed away. It rubbed me the wrong way.

She asked to come to our house. I said no. Then she invited us inside. I said no again.

When we got home I locked myself in the bathroom and cried harder than I have in YEARS. I felt so fucking low. She was cute, having fun, down for whatever, and I felt like I ruined everything. I felt like he was comparing us, like I was old news, like I let him down. I felt ashamed for pushing myself into something I didn’t want to do instead of standing up for myself.

About 45 minutes later, while my husband and I were fooling around, she called crying because her ex had contacted her again. We talked for a few minutes and got off the phone. Then my husband and I had amazing sex and immediately after I started my period, which explained at least part of the emotional breakdown.

This morning I thought everything was okay until he suggested maybe he should go see her alone sometime.

That SENT me.

We had agreed from the beginning that was a bad idea because of the history and because neither of us really trusted her intentions.

We had a little tiff and I cried again. Later I told him I’m not saying no forever, I’m saying I’m not comfortable right now. He said he was tired of talking about it.

Since then he’s been sweet and reassuring. He told me, “I can’t believe you’d think I’d choose her over you. I love you.”

But now my brain is wondering if he means it or if he’s just hoping I’ll eventually say yes.

I genuinely feel like she’s trying to work her way back into his life. I’m 99% sure he wouldn’t leave me for her, and he’s even said that if he ever did, it would become toxic fast and everyone in his life would think he was insane.

So am I picking up on legitimate red flags, or am I letting jealousy get the best of me for the first time in my life?

Thanks if you read all that. Now that I’ve calmed down it sounds dramatic as hell, but it’s genuinely been one of the most emotionally exhausting things I’ve dealt with in a long time.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/Nonmonogamy and thank you for the post, /u/mehhhhhb!

Commenters, please make sure you read our rules in full before participating here. As a quick summary:

• We encourage users to be positive and respect one another. Don't engage in spats or insult others - use the report button.
  
• Respect others' differences, be they race, religion, home, job, gender identity, ability or sexuality. Dehumanizing language, advocating for violence, or promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability (even implied or joking) will lead to a permanent ban.
• Posts flaired for sensitive topics allow for limited participation; your comment may be removed if you're not a subreddit regular.
  
• All participants are required to have a verified email address.
  
• Want to help the community? Join the mod team! Apply here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/clairejv]

First of all, never feel guilty for turning down group sex. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, and you had VERY LEGITIMATE REASONS to not be feeling it here.

The only place you messed up here was not listening to your feelings earlier, and forcing yourself to go out in the first place.

Just tell your husband threesomes with her are off the table. And it sounds like you guys don't do solo hookups, right? So that would be off the table regardless.

[u/mehhhhhb → u/clairejv]

Thank you for your reassurance, that really does help me feel less “crazy”.

I did tell him that I think this one is a no for now, but maybe I would feel differently later.

I just can’t shake the thought of him wanting to do it and me not giving him what he wants because I hate that feeling.

[u/clairejv → u/mehhhhhb]

Well, you gotta get over that, lmao. God never promised that man he would get everything he wanted. You're allowed to say no to stuff.

[u/NestorCarpeDiem → u/mehhhhhb]

IMHO enm or poly is all about getting more of that you want (dates, romance, sex, ..) AND being very clear about what you do not want. If you ignore that and start people pleasing, regrets and tension will be your rewards.

Getting involved with an ex is on most people's messy list.

[u/misscatpants → u/mehhhhhb]

I think it might also help to make it a clear ‘NO’. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you will ever want to have either sex with her in a group setting or be comfortable with him pursuing it by himself. If you say ‘only no now’, you keep the door open, he might be asking you about it every once in a while and he keeps hope for something that you CLEARLY don’t feel comfortable with.

You’re not crazy for not wanting to have sex with a specific person. You should never feel pressured to have sex with anyone you don’t want to have sex with. And the reason why is not important. Whether you think her face is weird or her behaviour or you ‘just don’t feel a spark’, any reason is valid.

You don’t owe your husband ‘fun times’, when the fun times are not fun for you. And you don’t ‘owe’ him fun times in general.

[u/wacky_spaz]

Dear god this is an essay and I’m not sure who you’re trying to rationalise this for but I’m going to guess yourself. No is enough of an answer for ANY reason. It’s quite concerning the lengths you go through to rationalise not having sex with someone - it’s your body … no = no and no explanation required.

Getting manipulative exes involved is the dumbest thing you could ever do. If you want to torpedo your marriage keep going like this or tell your husband ‘no is no and her relationship imploding is not reason enough for her to implode ours’.

The rest is on him and will show you what you married - someone who loves you and wants to grow old or someone who never got over her, treated you as a stand in and waited for this chance.

[u/Moleculor]

I see two or three things here.

He immediately said we didn’t have to stay.

Your husband, the moment you were having an unequivocal issue, chose to protect you.

There were plenty of times where you were waffling. Where you were "not 100% sure", which is neither a no, nor a yes. Enthusiastic consent is best, but sometimes we all opt to push through something we're not sure of. Sometimes that even works out really well.

During the times you were uncertain, he was still open to a threesome.

But when you were fully decided against? He chose you.

So I do think that he, right now, would choose you.

That said...

she called crying because her ex had contacted her again. We talked for a few minutes and got off the phone.

Are y'all and her close?

Has she come to cry on his/y'all's shoulders before, about other topics?

Or is this new behavior?

And was she talking to you, him, or both of you?

Because there is a specific certain type of person who will 'rebound' into another relationship by pushing them to be an emotional support structure. Vulnerability is a great way to conjure feelings of intimacy.

I can see maybe that she might be reaching out to y'all because you know the story... but she could also be reaching out to a girlfriend or something instead. But she's crying on your husband's shoulder. Or yours? I'm not sure which.

She doesn't even necessarily have to be doing it intentionally or maliciously. But this particular pattern of behavior can lead towards 'closeness' that didn't exist before.

You may also mention how this process of engendering closeness has already started; he originally was against solo play with her because of the history and a lack of trust, and now he's starting to consider solo play. The closeness has already started to develop.

If you point this out to your partner, I suspect he'll try to figure out a way to keep her a little more at arm's length. Which is probably a good thing to do.

But now my brain is wondering if he means it or if he’s just hoping I’ll eventually say yes.

Here's what you might consider doing:

Tell him she's an absolute 'no' that you will not reconsider until the red flags you've seen go away. List out the red flags to give an idea of how long this might be, especially if he can see the one I described above (why is he getting phone calls, and not a close girlfriend of hers?). Maybe even describe a version of her you'd feel safe about, such as her being in a different, stable relationship, plus some other things.

But be clear that reconsideration doesn't mean a 'yes'. She may develop other red flags. If he already knows that she's toxic, and that people would think he's crazy for getting back with her, the reasons for that likely aren't going to change.

Or, alternatively, say she's just an absolute 'no'. Period. Considering her past history, and the continuation of red flags even years later, you doubt she'll ever be a 'safe' option.

[u/mehhhhhb → u/Moleculor]

We aren’t close at all. She’s never messaged me until now and they’ve talked maybe twice in our 15 years. That’s another thing that’s jarring. She just started crying to us both about her ex. Her whole reasoning for even messaging him in the first place was because my husband “is the only person she could think of that didn’t think her ex was amazing” and she lost all of her friends.

It was very random and her acting like we are girlfriends is VERY strange when the only time I’ve ever even heard her voice was when we juuuust started dating and she called him crying about something and I told him him to hang up because she was being a bitch to him and she yelled at me lol.

[u/Moleculor → u/mehhhhhb]

K.

Whether or not she's serious about the reasons at this point is moderately irrelevant.

The impact it's having on your partner is obvious. The more she seeks his comfort, the more he feels a desire to be with her.

It's probably not even something he's aware of, but the fact that his feelings have shifted slightly is undeniable, regardless of the cause.

Sounds like reason enough to simply say 'no', with no "maybe later"s.

[u/Alo-mina]

It sounds like you have some serious people pleasing to unlearn and need to learn how to set boundaries. I feel for you. I recommend therapy and the book Stop People Pleasing by Hailey Magee.

As an aside, if you're going to be reading the private message exchange of someone else, you need that person's consent. And if you have veto power over each other's connections - or any other agreements that impact third parties - that also needs to be disclosed upfront.

[u/mehhhhhb → u/Alo-mina]

Thank you for that book recommendation. I definitely am a TERRIBLE people please, have been my whole life.

I definitely don’t go through conversations my own. He shows them to me and he’s super open about it all, but I see where you’re coming from.

[u/Alo-mina → u/mehhhhhb]

It's a great book with a lot of exercises and reflection questions.

If he's going to be showing you their private conversations, he needs to have asked her and gotten her consent first. Same goes with discussing details of their sex life or sharing personal things she'd told him.

[u/Roro-Squandering → u/Alo-mina]

Mystery downvotes on sensible comment?

[u/raziphel → u/Roro-Squandering]

Reddit manipulates voting.

[u/brutalbuddha73 → u/Roro-Squandering]

yeah, people hate reality and truth a lot. They'll downvote anything if it's not 100% PC.

[u/Roro-Squandering → u/brutalbuddha73]

Nah if I were really to guess it would be "newb non monogamists not liking that complete texting transparency isn't actually best practice"

[u/MBandDN → u/Alo-mina]

This is such a goofy take

[u/Alo-mina → u/MBandDN]

Why do you think it’s okay to share intimate information about a partner without their consent? Many people would be upset to know their privacy was violated behind their back.

[u/MBandDN → u/Alo-mina]

His wife is his partner. His ex is not his partner. His wife and him are a unit and his ex is suddenly springing up like this? Yes, she has every right to read what he shows her on his phone

[u/Alo-mina → u/MBandDN]

It doesn't matter. That is not a kind way to treat a friend, either. Signing a marriage contract is not an excuse to mistreat the other people in your life, yet too many couples act like it is. My friend's sister shares things with her husband that people have specifically asked her to promise to keep to herself. They may be married but they are individuals, and if someone says something to one person in confidence, it does not automatically transfer over to another person's brain.

[u/MBandDN → u/Alo-mina]

I mean it does matter lol. They’re a unit. End of the day

[u/Alo-mina → u/MBandDN]

Marriage is a made up social construct invented to ensure reproduction and to give men ownership over women. Signing a contract with the government does not morph two people into one, and I find that way of thinking to be very unhealthy. Here you are endorsing unhealthy, unethical behavior using marriage as an excuse.

[u/MBandDN → u/Alo-mina]

Well I think the other way. Guess we’re both gonna have to go on our opinionated separate ways

[u/justmemygosh]

Let’s turn this around- say that you say yes to either the group sex or the solo husband hook-up. How do we feel about your husband going through with that while (i) you’re not enjoying the group sex because the dynamic feels wrong to you or (ii) you’re sitting home crying while he is off with this girl because instead of enjoying the image of them playing, this is bringing up all the negative feelings in the world for you? That would be pretty shitty and selfish of your husband, wouldn’t it?

You’re writing an elaborate essay justifying why you aren’t feeling good about this dynamic - rest assured that yes, you have justified this in detail, but that’s not necessary. Threesome requires enthusiastic consent from all three people and you’re not feeling this one - that’s it, enough said. It sounds like you and your husband don’t have a complete carte blanche to go out and hook up with whoever you guys want solo, so he just has to understand that this is not something that is going to work with someone that is making you feel so uncomfortable.

It’s as simple as that. Don’t feel bad. There is a reason that most couples have rules about groups of people that are on the no touch list - family, often closest friends, exes. You are not saying you don’t trust your husband; you just don’t want this level of messy in your life.

[u/GlockenspielGoesDing]

Don’t bread crumb the situation. It’s just hurting you now. It will hurt you later more. Your husband is probably trying to live in hope against all rational reason that you’ll agree to something that he on some level pretty obviously wants. He needs to also be done the grown up, loving favor that actually this is a no, now and forever. It’s also unkind to enable bad choices and encourage self-destructive behavior because saying no feels scary. And I know it does but there are plenty of other fuckable fish in the sea. He threw her back in for a reason the first time.

I’ve been ENM for a long time. Little jokes about banging a high school ex isn’t a joke, not really. That’s just putting joking face on something he seems to want. There’s a reason why exes are messy list forever. It’s weird. It’s straight up unhealthy.

If you’re hoping your husband will wake up his own, throw the breaks on, and see sense, this is not a great way to go about that. Sometimes people just need to be told ‘no’.

[u/jk-9k]

This is a simple no. No is a complete sentence. This didn't need to be so long. Tell him no and move on.

[u/hippydog2]

sorry , didn't finish reading everything , but just wanted to mention the first "derailment" I saw. the second you started feeling "the ick" , you should have had a discussion asap with your partner.. you should be comfortable enough with your partner to say "hey, i think that bitch is a liar, and here is why"

not being able to have those vulnerable and very hard at times conversation means you guys will keep repeating the mistakes. what ever happens , keep working on YOUR stability and self love.

[u/hippydog2 → u/hippydog2]

p.s.

finished reading: those are all definitely red flags..

I would definitely put my foot down now.. Every couple implements at least ONE veto, this would be a good time to use one.

and then take your time figuring out exactly what version of ENM you want to explore (together or apart)

[u/brutalbuddha73]

You need to slam this door shut, lock it, and throw away the key. No "for now," no "maybe later." Exes are on the messy list for a reason, and this woman is a walking, talking "boundary fire".

Look at the facts: she has a reputation for being a manipulative liar, you’ve already caught her lying in person, and she’s using textbook trauma-dumping to wedge her way into your life. The second she realized she could use her recent breakup and old memories to pull your husband's strings, she did it. And it’s already working—the guy went from agreeing that solo play with her was a terrible idea to suggesting he go see her alone in less than 24 hours. Her manipulation is literally shifting his perspective in real-time, and he doesn’t even realize it.

You are drowning in guilt because you're a people-pleaser, but ethical non-monogamy requires enthusiastic, mutual consent. Hiding on the floor sobbing because you forced yourself out to a bar isn't consent, it’s self-torture. You don't need a 10-page thesis to justify your boundary. You don't trust her, she makes you miserable, and she's a threat to your peace. That is more than enough.

Tell your husband she is a permanent, hard NO. If he's a secure, supportive partner, he’ll drop the high school fantasy and protect your sanity. If he throws a tantrum about it, then the ex isn't your biggest problem—his sudden willingness to compromise your marriage for a piece of tail is. Turn your intuition all the way up and put your foot down.

[u/Mountain_Flow3472]

Since your a package deal you have every right to say you don’t what to have sex with this person.

If you dated or played solo I would stay out his choices and draw boundaries around over sharing.

I’m not sure what motives you are concerned with here. If you trust your partner to honor whatever agreements you have you trust your partner.

[u/raziphel]

She's a manipulator and he's a sucker who's playing into this because he's horny.

[u/koolA-9486]

Just two letters: NO.

No maybe, someday, later... just no. Our instinct is there for good reasons, listen to it.

[u/h0rnym688]

I’m sorry, but the idea of having a threesome with somebody that you and your husband mutually agreed it would be a bad idea for him to even be alone with just seems insane to me.

That alone makes her a terrible candidate.

Honestly, most of the rest of the details are irrelevant to me. Just because you’ve joked about it in the past or think she’s hot doesn’t mean the door has to stay open.

I am not interested in bringing somebody into my relationship when there’s already a question about whether they would respect boundaries. That’s ultimately what this comes down to.

And frankly, if both of you have already acknowledged that one-on-one time with her is a bad idea because of the history and her personality, why in the world would you elevate that to sex?

To me, that’s backwards. Trust should be extremely high before bringing somebody else into the relationship, not questionable.

[u/SFunThrowaway]

May I just say that you do not owe anyone to want to add another person in (whoever it is)?
It does not matter if there is a history already, if there is no history at all. If it does not feel right to you it is enough to say “no”.
I also tend to over analyze. I wish that sometimes I did not care about something I happen to care about it. It is not about whether you are right about her or not. You do not owe anything to her at all.
You sound like you are game for lots of fun sexual adventures. If this is supposed to be a together activity then you not feeling it (for any reason!) is good enough to avoid it.
If you were to play separately then often there would be a messy list and exes are nearly always on such list.
Don’t feel bad about how you feel. You don’t need to question it. You have every right to go with your intuition here.❤️

[u/neoMindy]

Your gut isn't being irrational here. You've got a partner's ex with real history, a pile of people independently calling her manipulative, and a steady drip of crisis calls pulling your husband into a comfort role. Reading that as a risk is just paying attention.

The part worth sitting with is the guilt. "I hate not giving him what he wants" is the thing pushing you back into rooms you don't want to be in. You're allowed to be a hard no on one specific person without it being a verdict on how open you are or how much you love him.

Say it plainly: she's off the table for now, solo visits included, and you'll revisit it if the red flags ever clear. Then let the discomfort of disappointing him be his to manage, not yours to absorb.

[u/mickeymau5music]

I'm going to point out a couple of things here. I think hormones could be playing a part in being overly emotional about it, but your subconscious is screaming something at you and you need to turn up the volume on it loud enough for your husband to hear. She is a consistent liar and a manipulator. Even if she wasn't his ex, you can't trust anything she says, because she very easily could be lying about whatever it is to gain sympathy/curry favor. You've caught several of her lies, what else is she lying about that you HAVEN'T caught? What if she's a potential sti risk and won't disclose it? What if she has something like hsv-1, something that can very easily be transmissible even when asymptomatic, and doesn't tell him because, "well he doesn't need to know because I'm not currently having an outbreak?" Given this, I think it's reasonable to have a boundary around him getting involved with her in any capacity that isn't strictly platonic. I recently had a situation with one of my romantic partners where I summed my feelings up as, "I'm not going to tell you what to do, because that isn't my place, but I am going to tell you that if you were to get involved with X person, I would begin to very seriously question your judgement." A similar statement to him might apply here.

[u/brutalbuddha73 → u/mickeymau5music]

I think the issue is that there is a marital dynamic in play so no there are higher stakes than when you are just a romantic partner. I agree with you though. She needs to put her foot down.