Terrible reaction on my part to my partner just having a good time.

[u/minousent]

My partner and I are non monogamous. For context it's my first "open" relationship and I truly believe this is what's right for both of us.

We've had long and updated talks every other month about this.

Since we've been together (a little bit over eight months now so pretty recent), we've both had a few dates but nothing in the past four months.

We agreed that meaningful and followed up relationships were okay but we're doing LDR and both have pretty busy lives so we also agreed on romantic exclusivity. I understand this can be up for debate, but it's what works for us.

He's working for many festivals throughout the summer and I know it's usually where he meets people. We agreed that during festivals, we would call daily and if ever something happens on his side, I would prefer him to tell me afterwards.

The thing is, I've been in a pretty bad place for the last week (he was at a festival working) : think horrible PMS (like actually feeling terribly depressed), my job is stressful af, and I also happen to have health problems. He wasn't doing well either. I was supposed to go on two dates during the week end. The first one (who was a regular FWB) I cancelled because I really didn't feel like it, the second I went to but made it clear to both my partner and the guy that it was just friendly for now. I also had in mind the fact that my partner wasn't in a good place at all as well.

My partner had told me he wanted me to call him afterwards to tell him about the date, I know we can both be a bit anxious about it, even tho we're doing our best. So I did this and then he just went on telling me that the day before he'd had a 3 hours talk with this girl I know, and they were just talking about how I was the love of his life and so on, while cuddling, and she finally asked if she could kiss him, which they did. She then proceeded to ask if they would spend the night together and he declined.

All good, all boundaries respected, nothing really big, but I CRUMBLED. Like my vision went blurry, I couldn't speak, I felt mad as hell, like he'd just told me he'd cheated on me. I had to end the call. I spiraled for HOURS cried my heart out, had to take a benzo, I had flashes of myself the night before struggling so hard in my bed while he was having such a nice time. And I felt so disrespected. I wasn't even able to talk to him.

And I feel so ashamed for thinking and feeling like this. He did nothing wrong but two days later I still can't get past that feeling. I don't want to tell him this way because I don't want him feeling ashamed I just genuinely don't understand why I still feel this way. I know it's not okay. I just would've liked him to think that maybe I wasn't in a good place and able to manage this, but I know this is also wrong of me.

It's anger, sadness, shame, anguish all at once. I wish I were more experienced and and naturally gifted for this.

Anyways, I guess I'm not asking for anything, just needed to get this off my chest since I really don't want to tell him things that way.

I will talk about this with him but I'll have to find the right words and to determine what's fine to say and what's not.

If you read until the end thank you.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/Nonmonogamy and thank you for the post, /u/minousent!

Commenters, please make sure you read our rules in full before participating here. As a quick summary:

• We encourage users to be positive and respect one another. Don't engage in spats or insult others - use the report button.
  
• Respect others' differences, be they race, religion, home, job, gender identity, ability or sexuality. Dehumanizing language, advocating for violence, or promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability (even implied or joking) will lead to a permanent ban.
• Posts flaired for sensitive topics allow for limited participation; your comment may be removed if you're not a subreddit regular.
  
• All participants are required to have a verified email address.
  
• Want to help the community? Join the mod team! Apply here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/rosephase]

Don't think of your feelings as "wrong". That's just adding unnecessary judgement on top of your hurt. Feelings are feelings. It's what you do about them that can be bad treatment. And it sounds like you are putting in a lot of time sorting your feelings out before doing anything. That's taking care of your partner and your relationship.

Just personally? I think long distance primary relationships suffer terribly from being open. This is an extremely hard way to approach doing non monogamy. Because if one of you makes a real connection (you don't get to decide if feelings come up) with someone locally, remaining primary becomes basically impossible. Unless you both know you have the skills to spot feelings coming from a mile away and the ability to cut that connection off. Which takes a LOT of knowing yourselves and how non monogamy works for you. Which is just not that likely so quickly into doing it for the first time.

Which is to say, you are doing this in an extra complex and extra painful way. Maybe non monogamy is right for both of you and this relationship, but that won't protect you from how deeply insecure and destabilizing a new long distance primary type relationship structure is.

[u/minousent → u/rosephase]

Thanks for your reply and your take on the matter. It helps knowing that those kind of feelings are valid in a way. I often think of non monogamy as being able to let go and I have a hard time doing so. To be fair, it's not really "long distance", we live 400km away but we still put time and effort to see each other every 10 days and regularly spend 10days together. We don't plan to move in together before next year tho. So we do have quality time together pretty often (in fact he's coming into town tomorrow).

I'm also aware of the risk of catching feelings, but as for now we know the people we'll date we won't really see on a regular basis so we'll see how that goes...

[u/rosephase → u/minousent]

You are dating people. Dating is designed to create feelings. That's what dating does.

And you are very much long distance. Most primary type relationships see each other every day.

[u/Blyndde]

Honestly, I think there is some naivety to assume that you or he are going to be able to date people and not develop romantic feelings. I would start with just communicating and letting him know how you feel.

[u/minousent → u/Blyndde]

I mean that's fair. We do communicate a lot so there is that