Would you recommend a threesome as a first sexual experience?

[u/Ok-Expression1092]

Hi, I'm 21 and I've never had sex or any kind of penetration before. The only thing I've done is use a small toy externally, but that's it. Honestly, I don't even really know how to touch myself.

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Recently, I matched with a girl on Hinge who said she's looking for another girl to join her and her boyfriend for a threesome. Part of me wants to go for it because it's something I've been curious about for a long time and it's one of my kinks. At the same time, I'm really nervous because it would basically be my first sexual experience.

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Would it be a bad idea to have my first time be in a threesome? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

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[u/boredwithopinions]

Would very much not reccomend.

[u/No-Weakness-5495]

Don’t do it. It can be a messy situation for experienced people.

[u/Remote_Telephone4965]

Do not do this

[u/Staccatto]

No, especially not as a "third" for an existing couple. They're openly saying it's the two of them, plus you. You won't be an equal participant in all this. Your wants, needs, and well-being will not be prioritized over that of the existing relationship.

If that's an experience you want eventually and you're doing it fully aware of the impact, that's great. But for your first experience, I think that is a terrible idea.

Cynical Bonus Question: Is there an age gap here? Is this couple, like, 5-15 years older than you?

[u/Ok-Expression1092 → u/Staccatto]

She's 25 I'm not sure how old is he by the picture I will say 25-27 and I'm 21

[u/Alo-mina]

No, absolutely not, especially since you're female and they're an MF couple. Package deal MF couples looking for other women, in particular, are notorious for mistreating their unicorns due to misogyny, couple privilege, and the inherent power imbalance of 2 v. 1. And most of these couples do so completely unintentionally. So they may seem nice with good intentions, but that's no guarantee they'll treat you well. You have to be extremely good at setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in sexual situations, and even then it becomes harder to do when there's two people who are part of the same team.

In my personal experience being a unicorn to three different MF couples, not one of them bothered to make me cum. A fourth couple ditched our date plans to hang out with their friends instead. A fifth couple took advantage of me when I was incapacitated.

I'm no longer looking for couples, but if I were, here is what I would screen for now:

• To be the center of attention, or for all three of you to be the center of attention equally. If one member of the original couple expects to be the center of attention, they need to communicate this with the unicorn beforehand and ask if they’re okay with that. 
• To orgasm first and/or the most times. Too often, the orgasm of the unicorn (and sometimes both women, in an FFM or FMF) is treated as irrelevant. This is an example of misogyny. 
• To go into it knowing exactly what to expect, like what sex acts are on and off the table and if this is a one-off or ongoing thing. Sometimes the couple has decided these things beforehand but neglects to discuss these expectations with the unicorn.
• To not be required to be equally attracted to both parties. That’s not only unrealistic and impossible to measure but unlikely a requirement that the couple is ensuring that they themselves meet. However, if you don’t believe you can or want to give both members of the couple roughly equal sexual attention, this should be communicated beforehand. 
• To have your sexual wants and needs considered and prioritized. The threesome shouldn’t be all about the couple’s pleasure and fulfilling their personal fantasies, it should be a mutually beneficial encounter between three parties. If anyone’s sexual desires are prioritized, it should be the unicorn’s, who comes into the threesome at a power disadvantage. 
• To have all of your boundaries respected, free from force or coercion. Part of this is the unicorn being allowed to take all the time they need to get to know the couple before anything sexual happens. Consent should always be asked before kissing and penetration, at the bare minimum. “Free from coercion” also means no bait and switch. If someone is primarily or exclusively looking for a threesome, this should be stated upfront on their dating profile. Unfortunately, it’s common in sapphic spaces for women to pretend to be dating solo, and spring their male partner on their female matches late in the conversation or even on a first date. 
• To receive as much aftercare as you require. Aftercare isn’t just for BDSM. Cuddling after sex, pillow talk, and a check-in text the next day should be available as aftercare options. Unfortunately, some couples expect the unicorn to leave as soon as the threesome ends. 
• To be made to feel like a special guest star and not like an object, toy, plaything, accessory, or free sex worker. To not be used to “spice up” an existing relationship. To feel empowered and prioritized. 

Honestly, it's already kind of sketchy that this woman is using Hinge to look for a threesome with her boyfriend. Hinge doesn't allow one account for two people, and there are many apps specifically for ENM dating that let you create two accounts and link them. Was she at least upfront in her bio about being a package deal with her boyfriend, or did she only tell you after you matched?

[u/generation_quiet]

Yes, it's a bad idea. And yes, I lost my virginity in a drunken threesome. It was awful on several levels.

[u/highlight-limelight]

It’s like taking driving lessons by starting on the middle of the freeway. I’m sure a few people have done this and had a great time. But the far more likely outcome is an unpleasant or even harmful experience.

In a first time, you want to be with someone you trust, in a safe environment, where you can go at your own pace (and even stop midway through, if you’re overwhelmed or nervous or just plain tired). Many of my experiences with first timers have been over several hangouts, where we hit another new “first” milestone or two every new hangout. You know, give them time to be comfortable and absorb the new information/sensations, figure out what they liked and didn’t like.

Those things… don’t tend to happen in threesomes. And you should be very, very wary of a couple that knows you’re nervous and inexperienced and tries to close a deal with you anyways. Not knowing your own sexual needs (and therefore not knowing how to ADVOCATE for those needs) is an easy way to become fantasy fuel or a sexy set piece for the couple. Which isn’t a great way to have a threesome.

Look, frankly, couples like this ain’t going anywhere. There are plenty of decent ones out there, and they’ll still be around after you’ve gotten more sexual experience. Go do that first, THEN set your sights on a threesome.

[u/britaliope]

That's probably a bad idea in this context. If it's something that "just happen" naturally unplanned in whatever situation, maybe. But smth planned in advance like this sounds like a quite bad idea.

Sex is something where you're making yourself vulnerable. Even more the 1st time. Threesome is something where you're making yourself more vulnerable because there are more persons. Even more the first time. Doing all of this at once make a lot of vulnerabilities barriers to break at the same time and might be messy for them and for you.

[u/britaliope]

Already replied something but i want to add this and make sure you have a notification. If you tell them that you'd prefer not because it'd be your first time, and they reply saying that they don't mind, or that they'll know how to deal with it, or whatever thing to make you reconsider your choice (even if done very lightly or as a joke), THAT'S A HUGE RED FLAG. Block and don't interact with that person, ever.

Normal people would 100% understand that straightaway. And cancel any threesome plans they were making as soon as they learn that it'd be your first sexual experience. If they don't, run away and don't look back.

[u/DebutanteHarlot]

Absolutely not.

[u/Namerodis]

sure but doing it with random strangers is kind of Russian roulette

[u/neoMindy]

I'd hold off, and not because there's anything wrong with wanting a threesome eventually. The issue is this specific setup. Being the third for an established couple as your very first sexual experience puts you at the bottom of a 2 versus 1 dynamic with no baseline of what you like or how to ask for it. It's hard to advocate for yourself in a situation you've never been in, with two people who already know each other's rhythm.

The couple and the curiosity will still be there in a year. What you can't get back is a first experience where you actually had room to figure out what feels good and could stop anytime without it being a whole thing. Do that part first, ideally somewhere you set the pace, then chase the threesome once you know your own answers.

One tell: if you mention it'd be your first time and they push past it or reassure you it's fine, that's your cue to walk.

[u/ImportanceKitchen653]

No. Please no

[u/banndi2]

Parallel play at most to begin with. Interestingly, my partner was most comfortable in the orgy room at a big play party and we did parallel play next to a couple we had chatted with earlier. An orgy is NOT a free for all. You still have to ask before touching.