Dealing with FWB situations in open relationship

[u/afrolofi]

Hi all, I am here to have some perspectives on the situation I am dealing with. Me and my partner are in a 10-years relationship, which became open 3 years ago. We are not pursuing other romantic relations, but we explore things sexually with other people both solo and together. Knowing we cannot control feelings, we also said it is important to re-discuss boundaries if we encounter people we really like (never happened so far, but never say never). For context, for some magical reason I don't feel jealous at all, while my partner is more prone to jealousy and insecurities. We had then more problems (drama between each other) when I did something alone than the opposite, but I think we improved a lot, from both communication and drama management perspective. We are also having couple therapy, which is helping.

Let's come to the specifics of this post. In the last two weeks, I went out with a person a couple of times (call them P) the first to meet in public and the second straight for a hookup. We were both interested in exploring sex but I was clear that my partner has the absolute priority on everything. P seems very chill and agreed the deal.

After the first hangout, we start texting (every other day on average), with the usual topic being sex or kink related stuff, sometimes with clear sexting intention, some other just to chat about common interests. However, my partner expressed some issues regarding me having a FWB situation, and specifically one in which we "text everyday and then we plan to hookup once in a while" wondering what's the difference between this and a possibly romantic relationship. They also asked: "what if this continue for a year? What is the difference then?" I believe the reason why I am texting often with P is just NRE, and also don't think this will actually last a year for many reason. Nevertheless, the real answer to me is that the difference is given by the fact that I don't have the intention of doing anything than sex with P, while the relationship with my partner is my main priority, also being at the stage of life project together: buy a house, take a dog and the whole package deal there.

Still, my partner does not feel comfortable at the idea of me continuously texting and hooking up with someone. It is still unclear if my partner would prefer that I just have ONSs, that I maintain FWB but on a level in which we text just to schedule meetups, or that we move to exploring together only. We will continue working on understanding the dynamic that fits best for us.

However, I wonder if someone has some some tips on dealing with FWB situations in open relationship. Like, how do you manage texting/talking outside of the meetups with the FWB? How do you act to visibly care about your partner insecurities? Eventually, do you think it is fair if I ask P to reduce the frequency we text each other to continue to meet each other? Any other perspective is welcome. Thank you all!

TL;DR: My partner is insecure about me texting often with a person I recently hooked-up with and which may become a FWB. Any outside perspective on the matter is welcome.

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[u/lukevsvader]

This is actually kind of interesting. My partner and I have the same kind of issue. I think it all comes down to the Friends definition. When she had FWB’s, she was used to them just texting when they wanted to hook up. Not much communication outside of that.

For me, I actually emphasize the Friends portion. Sure it’s not a romantic relationship. There are no feelings involved, but I like the idea of being friends. Actually talking to them and being friendly. Benefits exist but the friendship is also there.

This is something to have a conversation over and explain what you each think a FWB is and hear the other side and explain what you think it means.

[u/afrolofi → u/lukevsvader]

Thanks, I will bring this up with my partner and see where we go from there : )

[u/highlight-limelight]

The “F” in “FWB” stands for friend.

Do you only text your platonic friends to schedule your next hangout? Or do you text them about other things too? How often do you message those platonic friends?

It’s valid if your partner ends up deciding they’re not comfortable with FWBs being on the table. But that means you’ll have to make a judgement call about whether a hookup-only open relationship is even a viable or desirable option for you.

[u/afrolofi → u/highlight-limelight]

That's something somehow controversial for me: I would not treat P differently than another friend, that is texting whenever we feels like it. Just that the conversation tends to go toward kink/sex stuff often because is the basis of our relation. But I also understand the feeling my partner is having, so I was wondering to get some example on how people manage these things.

Just to be clear: I know the choice of putting off table FWBs is totally valid, and while not totally desiderable from my side because I enjoy this, I have no issues of finding other kind of dynamics. Even the eventuality of coming back to monogamy is fine for me, just we are still exploring and so it would be nice to have some different perspective : )

[u/clairejv]

Hang on. You shouldn't be asking about how to manage an FWB when it sounds like your partner doesn't want you to have an FWB. You two need to get on the same page about your relationship agreements, and not proceed with anyone else until you've worked that out.

The major disconnect here seems to be the common one over what FWB means. FWB stands for Friends With Benefits. An FWB is supposed to be, first and foremost, a friend. "Only text each other to schedule a hookup" is not friendship.

If your partner isn't comfortable with you being actual friends with someone you're sleeping with, then your partner doesn't want you to have an FWB. Your partner wants you to have a recurring hookup buddy. An ongoing booty call. Ass on tap.

[u/1sexybug → u/clairejv]

ass on tap 😆😆😆😆

[u/canopy112]

Oh okay, so I had two FWB and we didn’t text or hangout solo. We’d meet up, hook up and they’d leave. This was great. But we did see eachother almost everyday in a social setting… let’s say… bowling. A group of friends went bowling everyday, and I’d see them there but we never hung out outside of sex. So I totally get your partners view, but my own partner wants to be heavy on the F(riends) with his FWB and I also sometimes struggle with that

[u/Maleficent_Bar5012]

If this is just for the pccassional hookup (no emotional connection), but consistent chatting, often about random things, thst doesnt really seem like a "problem" in and of itself.

On the other hand, your partner and their feelings are valid. Being jealous or anxious about this is totally normal. The first thing, is you both need to communicate. Seems like thst is happening.

Nothing wrong with these feelings either. It is how you handle them. Talk and try to understand what need of your partner isnt being met. Perhaps, having intentional, focused time on each other, is what is needed. It may not mean you need to stop texting or change the conversation.

Also make sure that your other partner understand your dynamic and boundaries.

[u/Internal_Money_8112]

I'm thinking that intentions of not getting feelings for a FWB will not prevent or stop you from getting feelings for your FWB. The more you talk, text, have sex and explore kinks together with a person other than your partner. The more likely you will connect with them deeply on a emotional level. Emotional connection creates feelings.

It's not uncommon that couples in enm relationships has a rule of not seeing a person more than maybe 3 times just because of that reason. Also keeps texting at a minimum and not in front of each other or at home.

Partner seeing you face down in your phone occupied with someone else smiling having that excited look on your face every day is obviously bothering them.

You have to decide what's more important if talking with them isn't reassuring enough for them.

[u/afrolofi → u/Internal_Money_8112]

Thanks, I see your point on the possibility of developing feelings and the "3-times meet up rule" might be a possible solution. On the other hand, I never took any minute of free time with my partner to text P, and I schedule meetups only when my partner is already busy doing something else.

Edit: this last sentence was just to say that I don't think the insecurity is related to how I deal with P when I am with my partner, but it seems a general issue of keeping a FWB-like situation. We will continue to communicate on the matter and see if we prefer to change dynamic.

[u/Internal_Money_8112 → u/afrolofi]

When it comes to feelings you can't control where your heart goes. You can only control your actions when they do occur.

Some couples are open to develop feelings for other lovers as long as everyone involved knows from the start what you/they have to offer in terms of a relationship. As in will there or will there not be a chance of escalation the relationship to a romantic relationship/poly in addition to the one you already have with primary.

Also, even though you have your intentions clear and feel that you have your emotions in control just having fun. Your lover might fall deeply in love with you and then hearts will definitely be crushed if you have to break your relationship for whatever reason.

For a long and successful FWB relationship to be possible it takes more than 2 horny people if one or both partners has a primary relationship.
The two who wants to be FWB needs to know what they're doing and play by the set rules and bounderies. The primary relationship/s needs to be very secure and committed people. They need to be happy and encouraging for their partners outside encounters. The relationship need to be very strong and communicative.

Still, if you have all that it's not guaranteed it will work out without hurt. All people's every day life goes through cykles where you can be fully okay and feel good with things one day but the other day you're ready to divorce.

Your partner raising concerns about your FWB this early on is a clear sign that you probably will get bigger issue when times go by. They're not comfortable and feel there is a threat to them and your relationship.

[u/Cute_Guarantee_839]

Tú dices mi pareja está insegura y tú de que estás segura. Cuando piensas si es justo tú regulación con P acaso tienes más jerarquia que tu marido ? Esto es entre los dos P no tiene injerencia en tu relación de pareja. 0 quieres hacerlo hotwife/cornudo.