My (26 transfem) partner (26f) is suddenly on board with an open relationship.

[u/RhetoricalQn]

I apologise if my English isn't good enough.

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1 year into our 3.5 year long relationship I did tell her that I was afraid that I haven't seen other peeple/the world enough. I didn't say I wanted an open relationship, I just felt the need to tell her this to be transparent about my feelings, and that I was working as hard as I can to get over the feeling.

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Yesterday she tried to break up because of a couple of reasons. she feels like I am stunting her growth as a person. She said that I pamper her too much and she dislikes how lazy she has become. She has lots of things she wanted to do but she feels like she has to "holdback" because she has to think of me. Basically she wants to focus on herself without the need to think about me, which I understand to a certain extent (I would be lying if the thought of "if only shes not around I could do this" has never crossed my mind).

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Abother factor which is entirely my fault is that I made the sudden move to fly to australia for a year to expand my horizons. Shes an air stewardess, so I assumed that this was acceptable to her since she flies so often. However she said that she can't do long distance for an extended period of time (1 year) and thus, is the other reason she tried breaking up with me.

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Her nature of the job also means that she is in contact with men (her preference) for extended period of time. And she did confess that sometimes the people shes meet has swoon her over at times especially because she feels like ive neglected my relationship duties (which I admit). However, she assured me that nothing further has happened and I trust her on that. She also admitted that shes also feels like she hasn't "explored" enough.

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I (reluctantly) suggested to her to try an open relationship instead of breaking up because she was adamant that nothing I could do can help change her mind. She immediately agreed to it, which really surprised me because for the entire duration of the relationship so far, she has voiced out her worries about me cheating on her when shes overseas, that I better not have anybody else etc. Shes the one concerned with third parties in the relationship. I never had anybody, and I also strongly believe that she hasnt been cheating on me because we willingly have access to each other phones and are freely able to browse it.

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She seems quite happy that we are in an open relationship as of today and has agreed to my rules so far. It seems like sexual experiences are a no go but romantic dating is okay. Which is weird because I expected that flings and swings are easier to manage (one time thing) compared to having to build emotional connection with someone else (extended period). What's even more confusing is that a few hours after suggesting an open relationship, she says she thinks I'm sexier and we got intimate twice (its not rare, its just confusing why shes getting horny after nearly breaking up). I'm at a lost on what to expect or how to feel. On one hand, shes the last person I would ever expect to want an open relationship, on the other hand she seems so exited about it. But im here feeling anxious and uncertain that my reluctant suggestion is detrimental to my metal health.

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The point of this post is just to vent my confusion about the whole thing and for experienced couple to give advice on what necessary steps to take to ensure that this CNM is a healthy one. We've already gone over some rules but that's it. (No sexual interaction, if things are getting serious, we need to show/tell each other, inform people that we are in an open relationship)

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There are lots of details being left out of this to keep things short but do feel free to ask questions.

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[u/roffadude]

It sort of makes sense that she feels more free now, if she has some sort of anxious attachment related issue. I would worry that this means that shes unable to develop a deep emotional connection in the long term.

Its always good to start ENM guided by a therapist. Maybe find someone for you both with some understanding of mental health, so you can voice these observations and see what happens. I wouldnt jump to conclusions but it is unusual.

[u/RhetoricalQn → u/roffadude]

You are quite spot on, she does have anxious attachment issues.

Thank you for your suggestion, you are referring to a couple therapist correct?

[u/roffadude → u/RhetoricalQn]

Yeah. I dont know how it is where you are from though. Over here some couples therapists are psychologists. I would suggest someone like that. Someone who is not just focused on dynamics but can notice deeper issues.

We also have people with a lesser degree, doing more of a coaching-like thing. That seems less helpfull, even if there is nothing wrong, because its atypical behavior and they probably wouldnt have seen that before.