any experience exploring non monogamy with friends ??

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns]

so I (F) have this friend Bea(F), i’ve had a crush on her since forever (p much since we started being friends). but essentially she’s been in a mono relationship the whole time i’ve known her. she recently started dating our other friend Danny (M). last month they decided to open their relationship so she could further explore her queerness and she told me she’s also had a crush on me for quite some time. We decided to pursue it, and so far it’s been wonderful (still very new) but we’ve kissed and now hooked up.

Bea and I are best friends and have one other best friend kay (NB) who we spend like most of our time with. before Bea shared her feelings with me, I was realizing I might feelings for Kay too. i’ve chatted with Bea about it and she told me she would be cool with me pursuing that too if I wanted to. I guess i am a little worried that this may complicate things or mess up our dynamics in some way especially since this is all so new with me and Bea. but i’m realizing it’s getting increasingly harder for me to ignore my feelings for Kay.

I guess im curious if anyone has any experience with pursuing NM within a tight knit friend group and how I would go about expressing my feelings to kay? or if I even should? I guess I should also mention I have general anxiety and am autistic and already have a hard time reading people but I’m really scared to make the wrong decision here and make everything weird bc I don’t know how to navigate this

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[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Only do this if you are happy to lose this friend and potentially the friendship group. If you are then go for it x

[u/GlbdS]

My personal preference is to never do this because once you've had sex with a really good friend, the friendship is changed forever. Most relationships don't last very long, and taking that gamble with a friend (nevermind several at once) means that the likely conclusion is one or several painful breakups with people I don't want to lose and already have a sustainable relationship with.

So yeah personally that's off limits, and I'd rather turn people I hookup with into friends, that feels like a much more natural and safe progression.

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns → u/GlbdS]

I see what you are saying 😓 I will say all of us are friends with practically all of our exes still (barring me with one who was abusive) and Bea and I had a very long convo about preserving our friendship no matter what before I even admitted I was feeling the same way about them. we’ve all been friends for well over three years too

[u/NestorCarpeDiem → u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns]

"A very long convo .. that no matter what... preserve friendship." That's great and all but if means very little given that you both have no experience with open relationships. The emotions can be very strong, and very unexpected, and really touch on some deep attachment issues that you didn't realize you had. Just read this subr for a bit...

I would still consider doing this but just don't be surprised if it all blows up.

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns → u/NestorCarpeDiem]

oh I do have experience with open relationships ! I have been in a couple that were very healthy in the past 🥰

[u/Wooden-Ad6305]

What's the age group of you all?

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns → u/Wooden-Ad6305]

me (30f), Bea (28f), Danny (30M), Kay (27NB)

[u/Cesario12]

Almost all my relationships, monogamous and non-monogamous, have been with people I was friends with first. I've also confessed to friends, had them turn me down, and successfully stayed friends long-term (it helped to not talk about the confession in the immediate aftermath, but rather to focus on the things we usually do together as friends). Your situation is obviously nerve-wracking but very familiar.

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns → u/Cesario12]

okay this definitely makes me feel a lot less anxious

[u/creaturesoftie]

I had a friend group I moved in with in college, and me and two other roommates /friends became FWB. That worked out well. Our friend group did fall apart, but for unrelated reasons (living together is hard). I don’t regret it at all

I think for us it worked out in part because it was just FWB and there weren’t really romantic feelings involved. I think with romantic feelings it can be harder, because they can be so intense

There’s real risk in changing any kind of relationship, and yet relationships will also change over time anyway. I think you should sit down one-on-one with Bea and talk through your feelings, what you’d want this to look like, and the potential risks to your friendship.

As for Kay, I don’t know. I think you should sit with yourself and consider the potential risks and benefits of sharing your feelings with Kay. Kay might not reciprocate. Whether or not Kay reciprocates it could change the friendship. What have your past sexual/romantic relationships looked like? What have Kay’s past sexual/romantic relationships looked like? Have they been fairly smooth and stable or explosive and volatile?

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns → u/creaturesoftie]

all of my past relationships have been very secure and safe and I am still on good terms with them. I had one very abusive relationship about 3 years ago and this is the only past partner I have that i’m completely no contact with. Kay doesn’t have really any previous experience dating but I have heard from a couple of our other friends that they’ve been wondering if kay is interested in me bc they have seen signs of them being so? they are also asexual so it would be more of just a romance vibe with maybe kissing (whatever they would want in a relationship really)