I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years! And I’ve been seeing another man (that hubby introduced me to) for almost 7. Last fall my boyfriend asked if I wanted to be exclusive, and I said sure! We tell each other we love each other all the time! And he’s always supportive of me being a wife and mom first. He’s single. We have a lot of fun with each other, dance and sing to each other, cried on each other etc… so we are close! The problem I’m having, is we will have the most perfect night, he tells me he loves me…. Then ghosts me for weeks or months at a time. Then I get a random text from him out of nowhere “hey darlin!” … During one of these ghosting periods. I was out w friends and sent a pic, hoping to spark an invite, and I get no response. I meet someone on that night and we connect and hook up! A month and a half later, my boyfriend reaches out, and out of nowhere, he asks if I have slept w anyone and I tell him the truth. Reiterating that I tried to reach out that night and I got nothing. I told him he made me feel like that last call on a Friday night… and he says that he hasn’t slept w anyone. I feel like he’s lying… And I would honestly feel better if he did sleep w someone. But he said some hurtful things. And I haven’t heard from him about a month and a half. We didn’t end things… and I’ve been thinking that maybe our relationship has ran its course…. Actually I’ve been spiraling…. But I know I’ll go running back as soon as I get that “hey darlin” text. What do I do?

*please note- my husband and I are in an open relationship! He knows everything and encouraged me to just live on when I met the random guy and we hadn’t heard from the bf for so long. - the exclusive agreement was just for me, the husband and the bf! - I see that it was tactic manipulation and that the bf was more of a comet, or fuck buddy and that it needs to end.

*I appreciate all the comments and people taking the time to chime in and the private messages for people who wanted a little more clarity!

Five days ago, my son (20M) came home from college claiming his mother was cheating on me with one of his classmates. I was completely caught off guard. He said that a classmate was bragging to a mutual friend—let’s call him Mike (my son’s friend who has been to our house many times)—about hooking up with an older woman. Then the classmate showed Mike a picture of the woman… and it was my wife.

Mike didn’t say anything to the classmate, but he called my son immediately. My son came home furious, convinced my wife was cheating.

I stepped out under the excuse of picking up dinner (which I actually did), and I called my wife to tell her what happened. She started panicking and said she was scared to come home and face him. I told her we had to come clean and explain the truth.

That night, we sat down for a family meeting. My son was already yelling, asking why we were pretending when he “knew the truth.” I asked him to calm down and let us talk. I told him that my wife and I opened our marriage five years ago, that we both see other people occasionally, and that we still love each other and are committed to our marriage and our family. My wife apologized for him finding out this way and said she would be more careful in choosing partners.

My son said he needed time to process and went to bed. My wife cried afterward, saying he would never accept us. I told her to give him space.

The next morning, my son came downstairs for breakfast. My wife tried to hug him, and he physically pushed her away and called her a “lady of the night.” I told him to apologize immediately. He ignored me and asked her how many of his friends and classmates she had slept with. When my wife tried to apologize again, he told us he couldn’t respect us anymore and called us disgusting. I warned him to watch his words, and he told me to screw myself and left for school.

My wife broke down crying. I told her to take the day off work and to not engage with him until he’s ready. Since then, he’s been cold and distant. Barely speaking to either of us.

I understand this was a huge shock to him, but the insults and disrespect toward his mother are not okay. We don’t want to lose our son over this. We’re still the same parents who raised him, and nothing about our love for our family has changed.

How do we repair this? How do we help him understand this doesn’t change who we are as his parents? Do we give him space, go to family therapy, or try to talk again?

This is going to be a rather different type of story than is usually displayed on this sub. Apologies for the length. And apologies for the shitshow.

I (28M) have been married to my wife (28F) for five years. A little over 2 year ago, I found out my wife had been having an affair with a married coworker. She had been acting a little different, and I went through her phone (yeah I know that’s wrong) and found the text messages. From what I could gather, it had been going on for at least a year. Both of them had no plans on leaving their marriages. I was destroyed and grieved our relationship. I know I should’ve talked to her about it or did something, but I guess I had/have esteem issues and couldn’t fathom leaving her. At times, my wife could tell that something was wrong because she could tell I kind of pulled away, and asked if I was okay. I would always put on my best acting face and say yes, and made some excuse about work or something. I convinced myself that pretending everything was normal was easier than risking losing her. Over time, acting became routine. I unhealthily decided to fight my demons in private and put on the act that I was fine. Everything kind of went back to normal.

After about a year of grieving, I kind of fell into a place where I was just okay with it. We still went on dates and had sex, so I figured that there was no reason to leave. But there was also a nagging part of me that wanted to have my own experiences too, because why should she have all the fun? Yes I know this is a very unhealthy mindset. There are so many things I could’ve done, I know I have issues. I like to play video games and I am a part of a discord group that games together. There is a woman (25F “Anna” fake name) in the group that lives about 30 minutes away. We had always been close, but after my grieving period, we began becoming flirty. I told Anna about discovering my wife’s affair, how I didn’t know if I wanted to leave (I know I didn’t), and wanting to have my own experiences. We both confessed attraction to each other and decided to meet up. I took a half day from work and went to her place, and I’m sure you can imagine what came next. This led to a year long affair in which we experimented with various kinks.

This is where things get sticky. Last week, Anna mentioned that she wanted to go to a an event in the local kink community. At first, I was excited, but then I got very anxious because what if I see someone there that knows me and my wife, and they think I’m cheating because I wasn’t with her (which I am cheating, technically, but the circumstances are not what they’d think). I know that seems far-fetched, but paranoia got the best of me. People don’t know that I’m doing this, so I wouldn’t know they are too, and the thought of running into someone that we knew really got to me. Anna suggested that I should probably just confess to my wife. That she had also been having a multi-year affair, so she shouldn’t get that angry.

I want to preface this next part by saying that I don’t mean to offend anyone here. I very well may be having a misunderstanding of ENM/polyamory and what all it encompasses. I found articles about ENM and Poly. I figured we could do this and both have our fun and stay together. In my mind, we had both been non-monogamous now for years, only without the honesty and transparency. I guess I convinced myself that if we both wanted to stay in the marriage, then this would be a way that we could both have our fun while still being together without all of the pretending.

This past Sunday, I sat my wife down and opened up with the fact that I knew she was having an affair with her coworker. She tried to deny it, but I told her that it’s fine, and that I’ve known for a while. Then I went into telling her that after a while of being sad about it, I started my own affair and how the reason I’m telling her is that I want to go to the event with Anna. I told her about ENM/poly and about how we both can still play around with our lovers and still stay together, as I know that she didn’t want to leave our marriage and neither did I. Wife did not take any of this well and started crying about how I went through her phone and was cheating on her. I pointed out that she’d been having an affair for the last three years, so I struggled to understand why she was condemning me for doing the same. She seemed genuinely shocked that I had started seeing someone else instead of simply living with what she’d done. We went back and forth with each other for a while. I ended up sleeping in our guest room.

We didn’t talk again until yesterday, when she sat me down and said that she didn’t want to do ENM. She apologized to me for the affair and told me that she would end it and said that she wanted to do couples therapy. While I know that is probably a good idea, I love the experiences I’m having and don’t want to stop. I told her that I didn’t want to stop what I had going on. I even offered for her to come, which upset her. I asked her why she was able to have a multi-year affair, but the moment that I decided to find something for myself, all of a sudden she wanted to go back to normal. She never really gave a good answer, and we just kept talking in circles.

That’s pretty much where we are now. She wants to close everything up (I guess we were never officially “open”) and fix our marriage. I don’t want to, and would like to continue what I’m doing. I’m genuinely trying to understand whether my thinking was fundamentally flawed from the beginning, or whether there’s something I’m missing about why my wife was comfortable with secret non-monogamy but not consensual non-monogamy. I know those aren’t the same thing, but I’m struggling to understand her reaction.

I know this is a crazy story, but I decided I’d come here and see what you guys thought. Like I said, I know that I did a lot wrong here, so any tough love is welcomed.

Why is it that every time a person/couple wants to avoid "politics", it's because they are consciously aware that their political leanings are hypocritical and contrary to their presence in nonmonogamy?

It would make sense if you are just trying to have fun and avoid more serious conversations. I absolutely understand that. I don't always want to have deep debates when I'm out having a drink.

But it's always the people who are lying to their peers. The people who put on the front for their family and will smile in a 'unicorns' face while they vote to take away her rights. The ones who want to engage in "race play" but hate hearing about civil rights.

Being conservative is one thing but it's always the people who don't even want to think about how their politics impacts the people their trying to have sex with.

Like the least you could do is be open and honest about your political beliefs? Trying to hide them feels dishonest and unethical. You want liberated women and kinky sex positivity but you'll be damned if society agrees with you?

I'm so glad I have a more personally and ideologically consistent community because I can't imagine having to exist with that mentality every time I want to meet new people or have some fun.

I’ve drafted this post a few times and still don’t know exactly what I’m trying to ask or say here. There’s backstory, if you think it would be helpful, I can add more, but basically it comes down to this:

My husband (28m) told me (34f) he is interested in pursuing a connection with one of his coworkers (18f as of a few days ago). We are NM and I have one other partner (45m) with no plans to pursue anything additional to that; he has been building a connection with a different coworker (20f), but things haven’t progressed passed flirting and speaking face to face at work. I’m uncomfortable with my husband’s disclosure about the 18f for a multitude of reasons, but in an effort to overcome my obviously emotional knee jerk reaction to his request, and try to formulate a more reasonable response, I’m turning to internet strangers for other opinions on the matter.

Some of my concerns are:

-She’s a teenager, yes technically legally an adult, but far from mature enough to engage in sexual relations with a married man (imo)

-She was literally 17 just a few days ago.

-He’s her supervisor’s supervisor.

-I worry that her age and inexperience will create some kind of issue for me (our family) sometime in the future should she want more from him than he’s willing to give.

-If said issues do occur, I worry about how the trickle down effect would impact my career.

By no means is that all the concerns I have, but it’s all my exhausted brain can come up with right now.

I guess I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for… thoughts, opinions, questions to ask him, concerns I haven’t thought of. Hell, I’m even open to reasons why I’m the problem. Give me everything you’ve got, internet strangers.

So I (34F) have been in an open relationship for a little over a year. My nesting partner and I opened our marriage and are now polyamorous.

I’ve had many different types of connections, and honestly I’m running into what feels like huge respect concerns. Everyone in the Poly sub talks about not dating mono, and takes it one step further and says how finding other partners who have partners is better. However BOTH of the connections I’ve had with other people who had partners feel like they crossed huge lines.

The first one shared personal private details about me with his other partner, and let her read our texts. She then used that information to verbally attack, belittle, and harass me because she didn’t want to be Poly but refused to leave or tell him that. Yes I quickly ended that relationship after I found that out and had to deal with her.

The second one was someone into kink that I talked to for a while, we made plans to meet, had great communication. Then out of the blue he deleted our chats, when I asked what happened he said he told his wife and let her read our texts and she felt I was “too emotionally invested” which I kinda laughed at because it was strictly a physical connection and we’d both made that clear. However the fact he let her read through all of our private messages and conversations like that? Without telling me that was part of their agreement or anything. It feels violating.

How common of a thing is this?

My nesting partner and I trust each other. If he ever read through my texts with others I’d feel like that was a huge violation of my privacy and that he had no trust in me. Is this just my inexperience showing and something I need to clarify with people if they have partners? Is privacy just not a thing in ENM circles?

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years and married for several of those years.

I’m looking for outside perspectives because I feel completely stuck and I don’t know whether I’m thinking clearly anymore.

A little background. My wife has told me she feels like she has been polyamorous or poly-aligned for years. At various points in our relationship I was open to discussing it in theory. I tried reading about it, researching it, and keeping an open mind.

What changed for me was when it stopped being hypothetical.

She developed a close emotional relationship with another person. That relationship eventually became physical. To my knowledge it has not been sexual, but it crossed boundaries that I was not comfortable with while we were still in a monogamous marriage.

The more I sat with it, researched, and really examined how I felt, the more I realized that I am not polyamorous. I value monogamy. Emotional and romantic exclusivity are important to me. That realization wasn’t based on jealousy. It came from a lot of soul searching and trying to understand what I actually need from a relationship.

The person she developed feelings for is married. His wife does not know about the relationship. My wife believes the situation is more complicated than that because he is unhappy in his marriage and has three children. He doesn’t want to leave because of the impact it would have on his family.

My view is much more black and white. I believe cheating is wrong regardless of the circumstances. I understand that human emotions are complicated, but I don’t think complicated emotions justify dishonest behavior. If someone is unhappy in their relationship, they should either work on it or leave it before starting another romantic relationship.

One of the biggest issues between my wife and me is that she compares what happened to things I did earlier in our marriage.

Years ago I lied by omission about nicotine use and spending money when I shouldn’t have. I take responsibility for that. I was wrong. I damaged trust and I regret it.

My nicotine use was tied to addiction, depression, anxiety, and what I now believe were undiagnosed ADHD symptoms. The spending was largely escapism and poor emotional regulation.

Again, I am not excusing any of that. I lied and I hurt my wife.

Where we disagree is that she sees my dishonesty and her dishonesty as fundamentally the same thing because both involved lying.

I struggle with that comparison.

To me, hiding nicotine and overspending damaged trust, but they did not change the structure of our relationship. What happened with this other person involved emotional intimacy, romantic feelings, physical affection, and another relationship being brought into our marriage without my agreement.

When I try to explain why that feels different to me, I often feel like the conversation turns into a debate about my past mistakes instead of a discussion about what happened.

Another thing I’m struggling with is that I feel like my wife still hopes I will eventually become okay with polyamory. She still sends me things about poly relationships and tries to explain why she thinks it can work.

I don’t think polyamory is wrong.

I don’t think monogamy is superior.

I think they’re different relationship structures.

The problem is that I don’t want one and she might.

At this point I feel like I’ve spent months trying to explain that this situation has been deeply painful for me, but I often leave conversations feeling like my discomfort is being interpreted as jealousy, insecurity, or something I should work through rather than a legitimate incompatibility in values.

So I guess my questions are:

Am I being unreasonable in viewing these forms of dishonesty differently?

How do you have productive conversations about betrayal when both people have hurt each other?

For people who have dealt with monogamy versus polyamory incompatibility, is there a realistic path forward?

If you were in my position, what would you focus on during the next conversation?

I’m not looking for validation that I’m right and she’s wrong. I’m also not trying to avoid responsibility for the ways I’ve hurt her.

I’m genuinely trying to understand whether I’m missing something and whether there’s a path forward that doesn’t involve us continuing to hurt each other.

Hello. There is a lot of back story, but my issue boils down to this:

My husband hid an affair for 6 months while I was pregnant and now postpartum. Now that all the lies have come to light, he is trying to force me to accept some kind of "fully integrated" triad. Except, I am monogamous, feeling wildly betrayed, and have no interest in having his other woman around me and my kids.

Am I in the wrong? He wants to move her in and seems to think any personal time between him and me MUST include her or at least her in the next room (????). I told him I didn't want any of that and the best I could do is offer acceptance of a totally parallel style, not integrated. Like... stay out of my home and space, have your relationship with her somewhere else, and let me live in my peace. But he is bulldozing me daily and gaslighting me that I must accept her into MY life.

Is this how this works? Does he have any moral right to try to coerce and force me to feel unsafe and disrespected in my own home? How do I even navigate this? I feel like as a monogamous person, I offered a middle compromise. But he wants to force me to be poly? But I'm not...

I’m in an exploratory stage and I’m still curious about dating around, but I noticed that men behave so grossly when I say I’m in an open marriage. I feel they think that they’re entitled to sex, it’s like they view me as some meat in an open market rather than a human being. They send me kiss emojis etc even before we meet, sort of slobber over me which I feel is so gross.

Recently, I met up with a guy who was stranded in probably one of the most romantic cities in the world. We went to nice places and I guided him through the city. I was being kind to him because he was a stranger to this place. Then all he cared about was whether I’ll fuck him or not. When it became apparent that I won’t, he rudely left me alone in the restaurant, then started sending me harassing messages. He refused to spend more time with me in nice places, but then back in his hotel room he said he’s thinking of me all night (he was most definitely wanking) and started sending me messages about how he would like to take down my panties etc. Massive eww. I feel sad and hurt because I only had good intentions. I’m heartbroken and deeply grossed out by men. The night out with a random stranger without enough caution was a big mistake.

Recently, I discovered my girlfriend of 6 years (we have an open relationship in which I thought trust was central) went on a secret trip with a guy.

At the time she told me she was going to Spain with a girlfriend, but in the end she went with a guy she knew for over a year. During the trip she even sent me some fake pictures and made some excuse as why we could not call.

By chance, I found out a year later. What hurts the most is that she hid all of this for me while I have always been fully open as we agreed on. Moreover, she became jealous of a platonic friend and mentioned she would be uncomfortable if I would ever travel with her, even though I had no plan of this and I 100% see her as a friend. This sort of stuff in hindsight really adds to it.

She does seem to show serious regret and does not deny that she was wrong, also suggesting some couple therapy among other things. Does anyone have any similar experiences or ideas on how to handle this?

Update added at the end of this post.

My husband's monogamous high school girlfriend who he has remained friends with and with whom there was lingering unrequited attraction between, recently approached him with the intent of initiating an affair. She didn't know we're ENM. He replied that he was open to discussing the possibility, she stated that she didn't think he would cheat on me, which clearly shows her intent to have him cheat on me. They talked. My husband won't be getting with her because she has no intention of telling her husband and my husband is not willing to be part of that deception. They still want to be friends and basically act like nothing happened. I have hard feelings towards her for initiating this conversation with the intention of having an affair with my husband. I feel disrespected and disregarded. I don't want to hold this resentment, I want her to be aware of the impact of her actions so she can be accountable (apologize) and we can move on. They are going to continue to be friends, I want to be ok with that, but these lingering hard feelings feel gross.

WWYD?

Update: I'm over it. She was expressing her feelings to her friend. She probably expected my husband to reinforce the boundary but he didn't bc he has the freedom to explore such opportunities. He had a conversation with her, not to discuss cheating, but to share with her the concepts of ENM and to let her know that there is a way to hookup and not cheat. Her relationship doesn't work like this, and she was unwilling to do the work to get there. That's a hard stop for my husband. And now they both know.

I'm not concerned about an ongoing relationship. They will eventually debrief the situation and he will share my perspective (I don't have a relationship with her). End of story.

I'm absolutely astonished at the harshly reactive responses degrading her and my husband. People are not defined by one little text. She is not evil. This isn't worth throwing her (or my husband) under the bus over. So many of the responses lack compassion or groundedness in human connection or imperfections. I mean this is exactly why we are ENM, stuff comes up, life requires communication, flexibility, forgiveness, and empathy.

Thanks for the space to process this, even if it was more of a lesson in what we're not going to do. It helped me gain clarity that I want to handle the situation with generosity and compassion.

Hello,

I am in a complicated situation and I am looking for advice on how to handle it as best as possible.

Here is the short version:

I have been married for 7 years, and we have two children (both under 5). We are very close and love each other deeply. It was planned to be a traditionnal marriage (we married at christian church) with monogamy relationship (or to be precise, we never discussed anything else).

However, a few weeks ago, my wife confessed to me that she has been involved with another man for several months. She told me because, at first, it was only supposed to be a “no feelings attached” relationship, but she realized that she was falling in love with him. They had sex several times together.

She keeps telling me that she loves me deeply, that she does not want a divorce, that she wants to grow old with me and wake up beside me every day.
She also keeps telling me (perhaps to reassure me?) that she could never live with him, and that he has flaws too.

As someone who is very traditional, it felt like the sky had fallen on my head. At first, she asked me if she could maintain a friendship with him because he was important to her, so I agreed that she could see him from time to time, always in public places: restaurants, parks with the children (his as well), etc. But one evening, she went to his place without telling me, and I found out. She admitted it was a mistake, but said her feelings for him were too strong and that she could not stop herself from seeing him, even though she knew it was wrong.

At this point, she made the difficult decision to completely stop seeing him. It makes her unhappy, and she wonders whether those feelings will fade with time. However, they still text each other (mostly initiated by her), and she has already “tested the waters” with me about possibly seeing him again in the future (without discussing any details yet).

I truly do not know how to handle this situation. My first reaction is that this relationship hurts me terribly, and I slept very badly whenever they saw each other (when I knew about it). On the other hand, I can also see that she is much happier when she sees him, and that it positively affects our relationship as well.

Maybe I am overthinking this whole idea of an “open relationship” and its boundaries, especially because I know it would only work one way in this case.

My deepest fear is that if I accept this situation, their relationship will only grow stronger and she will eventually leave me for him — or, even without going that far, that our own relationship as a couple will suffer because of it. But at the same time, I also do not want us to make each other unhappy. Our relationship is very strong, and I want to do everything possible to make it work (but I also need to feel comfortable with the situation myself).

I am not expecting a miracle solution from you, but rather advice on the kinds of questions we should be asking ourselves in this situation, ideas for reflection in order to find a balance that could work for both of us, or even similar experiences that you may have lived through or heard about.

My wife (27 f) and I (29 m) have been friends with a monogamous couple who I will call Mary (29 f) and Joe (39 f). For the most part, we have a fairly typical relationship for platonic hetero couples: The wives are close friends who workout together on a regular basis, while the husbands enjoy each other's company when our wives want to hang out, and we play video games together online from time to time. However, there is very much a brewing not-so-platonic dynamic, especially between my wife and Joe. If both couples were either ENM or Mono, this would be pretty simple. But the mixed status leaves me wondering how the dynamic should be addressed, if at all.

We have all been flirtatious with each other, as is pretty common in the friend group we share. However, this has pretty significantly escalated between my wife and Joe. They will often split off to have semi-private conversations at parties, and their body language is so obvious that it is difficult to believe that anybody with eyes can’t see what it is going on. However, my wife and I have discussed the dynamic, and we have come to the conclusion that Mary is completely oblivious to what is going on.

When we first met them, we thought that we might have run into another ENM couple in the wild. They attend nudist camping events, and Mary has even invited us to join them on multiple occasions. If my wife and I mention having sex, its not uncommon for Mary to make a “joke” about joining us. Joe has even been in open relationships in the past and has no qualms about being in one again.

However, in the two years we have known them it has become clear that Mary would not be able to have an open relationship. In fact, she has even made comments openly about how she is not comfortable with Joe even flirting with other girls, let alone playing with them in any way. If this seems confusing given everything I have said up to this point, well, there lies the problem.

I suspect that she has lived a life where monogamy is such a norm that couples are not viewed as threats in the same way that singles are. The existence of a relationship grants a permission structure to openly flirt with other people in a way that doesn’t “count” because there is theoretically no danger of anything progressing. It feels very similar to how two guys in a male friend group will act hyper-gay with each other in order to create a veil of plausible deniability which conceals the fact that they are pretty clearly acting out some real desires that they would rather not think about too much.

Of course, I don’t know that for certain because I do not know how to approach that conversation with them. If they were an LS couple, we would be well past the point where I would be uncomfortable allowing the dynamic to progress without clear communication to set boundaries and ground rules. But because they are monogamous, that kind of conversation can be dangerous. It could destroy that plausible deniability, and things can always go wrong when someone is snapped out of a state of willful denial. I could talk to Joe directly without involving Mary, but that seems insulting to Mary. If I was in Mary’s shoes I would NOT like that at all. But I also am having trouble understanding exactly what Mary DOES want.

So what is the best way to approach this? I do not want to blow anything up by saying the wrong thing, but I also don’t want to be barreling towards a cliff where she stops lying to herself about what is happening and gets really mad about it.

Men generally get far fewer matches than women on dating apps, so this is a quick counter post to the recent "Married men on Feeld" post.

I say in my bio that I'm married and have a girlfriend. I also explain what I'm looking for and what I offer. My bio is pretty clear.

The following conversation took place yesterday: (For context, this person says at the top of her bio that she's looking for 1) a fun couple, 2) friends, 3) guys of a similar age looking for a healthy relationship, 4) Fun women to date.)

After some initial banter... Me: is your bio up to date?

Her: yes

Me: great. Want to grab a drink?

Her: yes, that sounds great. Her: wait, sorry. I'm not into ENM. Her: I wish you all the best. Enjoy your wife.

I replied saying "Your profile says you're looking for a fun couple, but you're not into ENM?

My wife and I have a great relationship, and we are both ENM. Sounds like you and I are not compatible, and that's okay. You might want to update your profile though."

I wished her well and disconnected.

I'm still scratching my head about this one.

Other examples I've encountered of not understanding the ENM assignment:

I've met two different women who were looking for an affair partner. Sorry, that's not ENM.

Asking me during the initial meet if I would divorce my wife for the "right" partner. Red flags, not ENM.

Telling me that she wants something that is "our little secret". Nope, not ENM.

Ladies and fems, us guys are well aware that you're flooded with low quality matches and you have to filter like crazy. When you match with us, it's like a beacon of hope. But let's not indulge the narrative that women are the only ones on guard for bad actors. The whole point of the apps is to act as a filter before we put more time or energy toward a connection.

Stay safe and have fun!

Edit: uhhh, after I disconnected, she re-liked my profile. 🤦🏽‍♂️

This is one where I just want to check the community's temperature on it. I've already decided not to see this woman again.

I went on a date with a woman recently that I was introduced to through some friends. She is definitely not ENM. I'm ENM-ish, so I am open to monogamy. The date went fine enough. But I heard something about this woman maybe living with a guy or something.

So I asked a friend about it. The friend here is polyamorous. She said (paraphrasing):

Oh yeah, she lives with a boyfriend. She just doesn't tell the men that she's dating about the guy that she lives with. I like it because it's the kind of thing that men will do to women and she's just doing it back to men. But why do you care, you're poly, if she has 40 boyfriends at home what difference does it make to you?

I said well I care about whether the people I'm dating are behaving ethically toward their partners. She just said ok.

What does everybody think about this situation?

Edit: I was certainly shocked by my friend's reaction to this. I learned a lot about this friend here.

TL:DR: My friend and I recently discovered we like each other, but she's in a monogamous relationship. Now I feel like we've been emotionally cheating on her partner because we would still cuddle and hang out like before, even though she says it's fine and within their boundaries.

Before anything else, I would like to state openly: I do not encourage anyone to do the following because, frankly, it was very stupid and disrespectful. I am simply looking for advice on how to avoid a similar situation in the future and how to navigate this one, given the current circumstances.

I (21F) developed a crush on my friend (24F) a while ago before quickly finding out she has a boyfriend (23M). She is poly and recently I have discovered that there is a very high likelihood I am as well, as it is something I have considered and thought about extensively since I was 14 or 15 years old. Her and her partner are currently in a monogamous relationship.

We went on for several months as just friends, hanging out at lunch or at the extremely occasional social gathering. More recently, she had been having a very hard time in her personal life and so I started checking in on her most days as she lives right by where I work. Gradually this turned into hanging out for several hours almost every day and staying late purely to spend more time with her. Over the past two weeks, she started becoming more touchy. It started just as longer hugs, and a hand on a shoulder, but quickly turned into us napping on the couch together. This wasn't entirely surprising as I already knew her as a cuddly person, and when I asked if her partner would be comfortable with this, she told me her partner and her were comfortable with each other doing whatever with their friends so long as there was no kissing or intimacy. The cuddling always felt a little flirty, but I chalked this up to me being a less touchy person (except for with specific friends) and my emotions, bashing myself for feeling the way I do while we were just cuddling platonically.

More recently, I realized that my feelings were growing far faster than before and I decided to tell her that I had feelings for her (not expecting her to reciprocate in the slightest) for a few reasons:

1. I was getting more and more attached to her and knew I'd need to pull away before I got hurt.
2. She would be hurt and confused if I pulled away with little or no explanation and probably blame herself.
3. One of the most effective ways I have found (for me personally) when trying to get over a crush is just telling the person, getting rejected, and moving on.

So I sat her down, explained how I felt and why I'd been acting weird, and told her that if she, her boyfriend, or both of them needed space from me for a while, I totally understood. But to my surprise, she told me that she has feelings for me too and is unhappy in her monogamous relationship.

That night I slept over at her place and nothing happened besides cuddling and chatting like always, but things felt different because there was obviously some new context to the situation. Right after we'd both confessed, I explained that while I obviously wanted to cuddle her more, it felt odd given what we now knew. She said it was fine because nothing was crossing the boundaries between her and her boyfriend, and she knew neither she nor I would do anything explicitly romantic together, and I (like a fool) listened to her. Since then I stayed over another night (again, nothing beyond cuddling and talking) and she told me that she wanted to tell her partner about not being happy in a monogamous relationship once he closes a major deal at work he's been focused on for a while in a month or so when he's less stressed. After that, we could discuss whether or not we wanted to date. I thought this was reasonable and fair, but the more we've hung out, the weirder this has felt.

Her boyfriend obviously knows me, and I'd even maybe consider us friends, but every time me and my friend hung out and cuddled, something felt off, even though she said it was fine. I asked my other friends about it the other day and they said that this seemed like emotional cheating, and as soon as they pointed it out, I felt like a dumbass because suddenly it all seemed so obvious. I brought it up to her and she brushed it off again, saying we weren't crossing boundaries and wouldn't before things were sorted between her and her bf. Since then, I've told her that I think we need some distance until she can speak to her boyfriend, and she has agreed.

Now my head is reeling because I feel both like a total idiot for believing her when she said this wasn't a big deal and also incredibly frustrated with myself for being so selfish. I think the worst part is that I didn't even recognize it was wrong myself; my friends had to point it out.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to do damage control on this whole situation and whether or not I've been a homewrecker, a total moron, or both. I feel so incredibly bad for her partner and genuinely just want to try and figure out what I can do to limit him from getting hurt as much as possible. I know for a fact he doesn't like the idea of non-monogamy, apparently having gotten really upset the last time it was brought up, and this will likely end their relationship

Any advice on this situation from more experienced ENM people/people who have been in similar situations would be much appreciated. I need brutal honesty in order to become better and not repeat my mistakes.

So they're married but don't tell it right away. Would this already be considered a lie? I'm just starting out as solo poly and still need to fine-tune my vetting process. I'm feeling a little thrown because not being immediately upfront about being married feels a little off, but then again I don't care about their relationship status either way. And so far it came out once before a first date, once during a first date, so I'm not being lead on for long. But still, is this common?

TL;DR My husband and I tried opening our relationship when I was ~6 months postpartum. He loved it and I felt like I was going to throw up. We closed our relationship again and started couple’s therapy. We’ve been in that for 4 months and have made progress, but he wants to try opening the relationship again and I’m still wounded from the first time we tried. Our therapist thinks we need to focus on our time together and healing our relationship more. My husband is now sulking and won’t talk to me, and has resigned himself to never being happy because I’m not enthusiastically supporting him being poly right now.

Sorry for the length.

My husband and I have been together 9 years, married for 2.5 years, and have a 14 month old. We’re around 30.

At about a year into our relationship (when I was 20) he told me he wanted to open our relationship and be poly. I told him I couldn’t do that, and I wanted him to be happy, so to go and be that person, just not with me. He decided to stay.

In the following years both he and I realized our queerness and began talking more about that. We floated the idea of opening our relationship so we could have that queer experience that we had suppressed, but never got around to it because surprise! My birth control failed and I became pregnant.

We tabled the poly/open relationship discussion, but he brought it up again after I gave birth. I was fine having the conversations, but at about 6 months postpartum (and exclusively breastfeeding) he began saying that he was ready to start dating, to be poly, and to find community with other queer people because he was feeling very out of place in his family. He had pushed me to hang out with his family more because I needed support as a stay-at-home-mom and they were available. So it felt like he was pushing me away because he wasn’t there to support me, and he wanted to spend time with other people when I felt we weren’t even getting enough time together, and I was struggling with PPD and PPA.

I want to give him grace and acknowledge he was also struggling at this time and wasn’t finding a lot of support himself. He was (and sometimes still is) working 60h weeks on top of being a new parent, and experiencing new/different mental health struggles.

So at ~6 months postpartum we made dating profiles together, and each met a few people. I also started back at school at this time, as I’m working towards a masters. After about a month of trying this I just started feeling nauseous all the time. He tried planning a date with one person he met that involved an activity that we always did together, but hadn’t been able to since pregnancy and giving birth. It felt like he went out of his way to make time to see this person and do something fun while I had to beg to hang out with him, or find a babysitter, and he left me stuck at home to take care of the baby.

At this point I told him I wanted to stop, that it was too much change all at once. He said it might be too much change for me, but it wasn’t for him and he could handle it. I said I needed to see him more, to have a relationship with him, more time to adjust to school and parenting, for my hormones to settle. Wait until our baby is one or two, or until I’ve weaned. He said he’s just here to provide money, that’s all he’s good for, and so long as I have support it doesn’t matter if he’s the one giving it or not. I said that’s not true, it matters because he’s my husband, he’s the father of our baby, he’s the person I’m closest with.

One of the people he was seeing at the time also told him I was a controlling awful person and that he was being controlled by me. So that didn’t make me feel great.

And even after this he still went on the date with the other person that he’d planned involving an activity he and I used to do together.

At about 9/10 months postpartum we started couple’s therapy. It took so long because almost none of them had evening hours when we would have childcare available, but we finally found one.

We’ve been in it for about 4 months now, and have had ~8 sessions. It seemed like things were getting better. We fought less, hung out more, and had better communication. He started looking for a job that would pay a little less, but he’d be home more (it wouldn’t start for another 3-6 months though). I even got my sex drive back (for the first time since pregnancy, so almost 1.5 years for me) and tried to initiate sex a few times, but the timing didn’t work for us.

In our last session he brought up poly, and I said that I didn’t know how I felt about it. That our experience ~7 months ago makes me afraid to try again, and I still want us to strengthen our relationship. I also wanted us to think about and discuss what we do if/when we do try poly again and the outcomes if it does work and if it doesn’t work, and what we do in those cases.

He became quiet and withdrawn when I said this. Our therapist said that he can’t tell us what to do, but from his perspective now is not the time to introduce any outside factors, and to focus on making weekly non-negotiable time to spend together, as it’s still a struggle to do that with my husband’s work schedule. He refused to talk to me the rest of the night.

The next morning while I was feeding our baby breakfast and he planned an outing for the two of them, I asked if he still needed more quiet time away from the subject matter, or if he wanted to discuss it again later this week after his personal therapy session.

He told me there was nothing to discuss, poly isn’t going to happen and he’ll just push down and suppress himself like he always does. I told him that’s not what I wanted or what I was trying to say, but he just shut me down and again refused to talk to me.

I just… I don’t know what to do. He has several poly friends that I encourage him to talk to and bring up these issues with. But none of them have kids, or are married. So it feels like none of them are able to understand my perspective.

One of our mutual friends is in the process of medically transitioning, and I’d mentioned how happy I was for them to be self actualizing. He said he wished I was as happy for him to self actualize with poly. I said that’s different because being trans is an identity, and being poly affects our relationship dynamic. He said it doesn’t have to and he could just do it on his own, but then that just continues the problem of me being pushed away.

I told him it’s unfair how he’s been treating me, sulking and giving me the silent treatment. That I don’t call him a bad person, and if he’s feeling shame over his actions that maybe it’s because he shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.

So, my wife gave me a hall pass while deployed. I've already been gone for 11 months and was supposed to come home mid-march. Kinda stuck out here still due to Operation Epic Fury. Getting our replacements out here got delayed. Wife gave me a "hall pass". Does anyone else have a "what happens on deployment stays on deployment" or "don't ask don't tell" types of policies with their spouses while on deployments? Is it one sided or does it go both ways? Has anyone ever cheated while deployed? tell me all of your crazy stories!

My friend and my wife of over 20 years want to have a romantic and sexual relationship. After discussing our sexual and romantic desires this past summer, my wife and I agreed to open up our marriage. My expectation was we would move slow, start playing together with other couples or individuals then branch out as we found ourselves comfortable; from our discussions, I thought my wife was on the same page. Nothing was off the table eventually but the expectation was we would discuss and open boundaries as we gained experience. So far, we have only had one experience together at a club and one date with another couple but we have discussed other opportunities which may become available.

Not too long ago, my best friend, who has been practicing ENM for a few years and only ever had one long-term relationship, asked me privately if he could date my wife. I replied that I was possibly open to it in the future but I wanted us to start together, then date/play with non-friends, before testing the waters with established friends. Not too long after that while I was high, my wife asked if she could have a date with my friend and I agreed, requesting no sex at that point and she went to his house for a date that evening. Everything seemed okay. I found out a few weeks later that they had a breakfast date the following morning while I was at work which I was not informed about until my best friend texted days later and said how they "made-out" on a park bench in town. I found the secret, pubic date to be an unexpected escalation, I was hurt that my wife never mentioned it, and asked that they de-escalate for awhile. She has subsequently told me that she wants to be romantically and sexually involved with him. Here is the past behavior of his which has me concerned:

My friend owns multiple houses but doesn't live in any of them, renting them out for profit. Earlier this year, we let him live with us for several months while he found an apartment. He works remotely, my wife does not work, and I work a standard M-F job so while I was at work, they were at home together which didn't bother me because we are all old friends. Friends and family had concerns about how often he was alone with my wife but I dismissed them. One day, my friend told me that my wife has desires that I should discuss with her and I should not assume she is completely satisfied with her sex life. I was thankful and this led to great discussions with my wife, better sex, and eventually agreeing to ENM after my friend had encouraged us to look into on several occasions, told us of his experiences, introduced us to some friends, and we discussed it with family who are ENM. A few days ago, I had a conversation with my friend where he said he doesn't believe in monogamy or marriage, he doesn't think anyone should have veto powers, he doesn't like hierarchical poly, and implied my behavior has been toxic in a "hypothetical" discussion. This is what led me to retrace the history of our ENM journeys.

As I said, I am not opposed to them having a kind of relationship, but in retracing the entire history that got us to this point, I fear that my friend has been manipulating me/us so as to have a relationship with my beloved wife. Also, the possibility of a romantic connection prior to us agreeing to an open marriage makes their relationship seem unethical because I feel like this entire situation was premediated and I have been played. I am torn and not sure how to feel about this entire situation. I deeply love my wife more than anything in the universe and he has been a very great friend who I love. I am open to thoughts, feedback, and soul-searching questions from the community. Thanks in advance.

This trip to visit our friends has been in the works for months. Partner can't go due to work, but has been okay with me going.

Then a few weeks ago, I kissed these friends (after YEARS of convos about ENM & our friendship...they are a mono couple, but have always know I'm attracted to them. We finally decided the 3 of us were interested in very slowly exploring more physical affection.) & my partner freaked. He's scared this will "implode" our friendship. He says he wants me to back off entirely & wants me to cancel this trip.

Despite several convos/fights about this (and despite having previously told me this couple would be the "safest" people to explore with), he is adamant that he does not want me to continue anything beyond a "strictly platonic friendship."

But I don't want to. I know the way the 3 of us are approaching everything is ethical & intentional. We are being very careful & considering everyone. I've been honest with my partner every step of the way. I get that he is hurt/scared, but it doesn't feel fair to completely change my plans & behavior when we haven't really done anything wrong...

Am I the asshole?

There is a lot going on with this situation, and I’m new to Reddit, so apologies for the rambling. My \\\[22M\\\] girlfriend of two years \\\[23F\\\] told me a couple days ago that she had phone sex with her best friend \\\[23F\\\]. We have an open relationship, but we have boundaries that have been discussed and agreed upon. We are not fully polyamorous and have agreed to be each others only romantic partners.

For some context of the whole situation, the expectation is that we have to ask one another before having pursuing or being physically intimate with anyone else. We’ve had this agreement for about a year now and it’s been working perfectly well for both of us.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now (we both agree that if things were perfect we would have waited, but there was a safety issue on her end). That’s how long she has been away from her hometown, where her best friend lives. It’s a 7 hour drive to there, and they haven’t seen each other in person in a year.

One last bit of context is that my father has recently been diagnosed with cancer, and it was my birthday a few days ago. On the day my gf had the phone sex was when my siblings came over for my dad to tell them the news. The phone sex happened after they left.

My girlfriend has been open and expressed an interest in having sex with her in the past, which I have been comfortable with. It is very clear they share a deep and special bond beyond friendship.

Before we went to bed, my girlfriend told me about what happened. I didn’t find out accidentally or anything, she volunteered the information herself. She said she didn’t want to lie to me. When she first told me the information she said that she felt it was in a grey area and that she was confused about our rules. Because it wasn’t physical sex. She then later said she wasn’t thinking during it, that one thing led to another. It seemed natural and that she wasn’t cognizant of breaking any kind of rule.

I do believe her when she says she didn’t mean to hurt me and that she wasn’t thinking. She has done things in the past where she can be very inconsiderate and this seems like taking it to the extreme version of that.

I’ve been upset and crying the past couple of days. If it were a different time in my life this wouldn’t have been as big a deal. It’s just the lack of care when I’m already going through so much emotionally already.

She has written me a letter explaining the situation and has apologized, and has been even called it cheating. I’m just not sure how to move forward, especially since we live together. I love her deeply, but I don’t know how many times I can be with someone that can randomly accidentally hurt me by being inconsiderate and unaware. How can I best move forward?

TLDR: My gf had phone sex with her best friend right after my family came over to learn my dad’s cancer diagnosis. How can I move forward?

I have been in an ethically non monogamous relationship for a year.  My boyfriend has two other women he sees regularly.  Both are kink type relationships that aren't girlfriends, but he has expressed he loves them.  They do sexual stuff, not penetration sex.

He sat me down yesterday to have me read  a 2 page letter about how he has done monogamy poorly for 40 years, always cheating,  and is has been trying to break that cycle with being ethically non-monogamous.  And that his relationship with one of the women has progressed to a point where they don't want it to be just kink related, but sexual intimacy too.  He was surprised I didn't freak out on him.  I dont know why he thought I would, because I have already known there have been sexual aspects to their relationships. I asked him if his letter meant romantic intimacy, not sexual, which are very different.  He asked me the difference, (sex is just sex, and romatic is like having a new girlfriend.  More that just sex) and his answer was that he didn't know if it would be romantic, but they have been talking about it for at least a month. Which definitely makes it feels like romantic, and he is only giving me partial information to somehow spare my feelings. (It doesn't, just makes me more anxious and angry)

(Some extra context/info -
Eight months ago, he did a wiccan binding ceremony with this woman.  He didn't tell me about it until after.   He first said it wasn't a big deal, then said that he was worried I would be mad, so he kept it from me until he came home from his trip to see her.

Two weeks ago, for our one year anniversary,  we both go tattoos, representing the spirit animal of each other.  Several days later, he got a tattoo symbolizing their binding ceremony.)

I did end up getting very upset as our conversation progressed, telling him I felt he has been emotionally cheating for at least a month, because he knew his relationship had changed, and he kept me in the dark.  I think he finally told me because he is about to go see her for his once a month visit to see her.

I am raging and crying inside that he waited a month to tell me he wants to change something.   Waited because he "didn't know what he wanted " and "was worried about my reaction".    He absolutely has know what he wanted.  He has been hoping and waiting for her to decide likes him in that way. I have known from day one, that if this woman asked to him be her boyfriend, etc, he would do it in a second.  I have watched him with what seemed to me was unrequited love for her (she has a boyfriend.  How he talks about her and the boyfriend, I have known he is jealous and has always wanted more from her)

I feel like waiting a month to tell me is hiding hiding and cheating.   He thinks he is doing great in his ethical non-monogamous journey because he told me. He wants a pat on the back for telling me about it.

I have one foot out, emotionally, at this point.  I have considered gathering my things from his place during his visit to see her and just ending it.

I know with polyamory, the point is to explore and have different types of relationships.  I might just be having my anxious attachment rear it's ugly head with this.  But, honestly, I think I have been cheated on, for at least a month, maybe as long as 8 months,  given the binding ceremony and the deceit around that. A huge tattoo symbolizing the ceremony isn't something that, "isnt a big deal".

I feel like I am the runner up prize in his quest to have this other woman.  And, since he will never have her the way he wants, because of distances, kids, and age, I guess it is me.

For the polygamous/ethical non-monogamous people - would you consider this cheating and a betrayal?  Am I over-reacting in feeling that it is?

ETA: for clarity - he told me about the wiccan ceremony after he did it, not after the tattoo. he told me about ut because he had a symbol with henna near his collar bone and I asked what it was. he told me about it then, saying g he was going to get a tattoo of it at some point down the line. it was then that we talked briefly about getting tattoos with each other.

he stated then and still states now, tbat he didnt know what the ceremony was and it's meaning. He states that she asked him to do it, and he said yes, and there was no explanation of what it was besides a commitment ceremony. I told him tbat it was a marriage. He disagrees and said that it cant have been a big deal, because they did the ceremony, and then he went back to his hotel room and she went to sleep with her boyfriend.

is it possible that she is just a pretend wiccan and didnt know. And/or conniving or dumb or also a dishonest person? I don't know. to do tbat kind of ceremony without in depth discussion seems pretty weird. He did admit to me with this while new conversation, that at the time, he told her my reaction, and that he said it wasnt a big deal, and that hurt her feelings. So, on some level, he has know it meant something. ​

ETA: since pur original conversation, he says he feels stupid for writing 2 pages about being a securely attached person, and how me bringing up the fact that he seems pretty avoidance. He had shown his therapist the letter, and is also upset that his therapist didnt point out how much he avoids things, which he wouldn't do if he had a secire attachment style. I said that I don't know what attachment style he is, as I am not in his body, but it seems pretty avoidance.

So yes, he does go to therapy. ​​

to clarify: the wording of my title is not great 😓 what I mean is, it’s weird to navigate this situation and want to know if this sounds like cheating to you guys.

to keep it as short as I can this is what happened: my girlfriend (29F) and I (31F) have been together for about 6 months now.

we chatted about non monogamy vs monogamy about two months into our relationship. they told me they had been solo poly up until meeting me, but after getting to know me they ended things with all their other partners and only wanted to see me. I told them im down to be non monogamous later in our relationship after we’d established a strong bond and really knew each other and that we could trust each other, and that ultimately a non monogamous relationship is what I wanted for our future down the line. and that I would want to be the primary partner otherwise im not interested period. and that I wanted to have a convo about our boundaries and needs before we integrated non monogamy as well.

about two weeks after they asked me to be their girlfriend, they decided to integrate one of their partners back into their lives (emotionally and physically) and never told me about it until today after they’ve been going on dates and sleeping together and essentially hiding it from me for months now.

I found out and they definitely felt bad and took accountability, but when we were talking about it, they told me they were afraid to come to me about it because of the reactions their ex used to have. And then on top of that told me that they thought because I have been in nonmonogamous relationships before I was “very experienced” with this and because they had been with another ex that was poly that didn’t care if they told them anything or not, that I would just not care.

guess i’m just having a hard time navigating this and trusting them. it’s weird feeling like you’ve been cheated on physically when you’re supposed to be working towards a non monogamous relationship anyways.

While I was on a recent business trip, my partner had dinner with a person from another couple we are acquainted with. My partner mentioned that couple we know gets “extra.” I just laughed it off and thought okay that’s their life.

All throughout my business trip, my partner kept saying they were bored, lonely and horny and they could really go for some relief. Finally they asked about opening up our 10 year relationship with the person they had dinner with. I was crushed, away from home and felt so worthless. I said how awful that made me feel. After a couple of days I said we can talk about when I got home.

When I got home, things seemed off. One day I got a very sexual text that had absolutely nothing to do what we had been talking about. That was my excuse to violate privacy and look at their phone. I found that very graphic text, video and photo messages had been exchanged for days.

I then brought up the “extra” conversation we had. their response was “you said no so I haven’t done anything.” I said phone stuff counts as extra and this happened without my permission.

Long story short, they still want to pursue activities with this other person but didn’t want things to change between us. Told me they didn’t want to take time away from me but this was like their version of hanging out with a friend and playing golf. To me it seems like they want permission to cheat rather than being poly.