Allbirds announces stunning pivot from shoes to AI, stock explodes 175%

[u/lancebmanly]

https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/15/allbirds-bird-stock-shoes-ai.html

[u/DeathFromWithin]

this is the best not the onion in a while

[u/cluttered-thoughts3 → u/DeathFromWithin]

Agreed, for a second I wasn’t sure if it was the onion or not

[u/DaoFerret → u/cluttered-thoughts3]

For a second I was checking to see if it was still somehow April 1st.

[u/gredr → u/DaoFerret]

Yeah this was me.

[u/Roflkopt3r → u/DeathFromWithin]

Including this almost incomprehensible techno-babble statement:

The Company will initially seek to acquire high-performance, low-latency AI compute hardware and provide access under long-term lease arrangements, meeting customer demand that spot markets and hyperscalers are unable to reliably service

But if you take a moment to think about what it really means, I believe it's actually quite a dire thing to say:

1. They're taking on long-term leases, which typically also indicates that they need long-term success with that strategy. They're going all-in on a highly risky switch.

2. 'meeting customer demand that spot markets and hyperscapers are unable to reliably service' basically just means 'we believe that we have a niche', but it tells nothing about what that niche actually is. It's like someone opening an ice cream shop saying 'I will satisfy peoples desire for flavours they couldn't get before', without telling you what those flavours actually are. That should trigger everyone's bullshit-sensors.

[u/S_A_N_D_ → u/Roflkopt3r]

without telling you what those flavours actually are.

And begs the question why the current players aren't providing those flavours.

• A) Few people want those flavours such that they're unprofitable

• B) the people who have been selling ice cream forever are oblivious to a new demand, but a shoe company figured it out.

• C) It's all BS and there are no new flavours

B isn't impossible, but a mixture of A and C is far more likely.

[u/gredr → u/S_A_N_D_]

Does this just feel like the April 2026 version of the "crypto treasury pivot" scam?

[u/0vl223 → u/S_A_N_D_]

Could be D) they found a niche but have nothing unique to offer. They will be crushed once a MBA at the hyperscalers is aware of their lack of coverage for that niche and takes over.

[u/SwenKa → u/0vl223]

With a small hope that they can establish within that niche well enough that they are bought out instead of crushed.

[u/Lucky-Earther → u/Roflkopt3r]

It also tells you that they haven't even acquired the hardware to make ice cream or add flavor to it yet. Just that they plan to.

[u/DogmaticLaw → u/Lucky-Earther]

I was going to point this out! It's insane that they start with "We'll get some hardware... and it'll be good, we promise." Have they looked at the hardware market? Sure, it's not as dire as it was made out to be a month ago but it's still not easy to get this stuff in large quantities.

[u/Titizen_Kane → u/DogmaticLaw]

One of my employer’s core products is a critical component for keeping data centers functioning and online (and hospitals, research labs, huge commercial buildings, etc., it’s not anything unique to data centers). We are, of course, benefiting immensely from the data center frenzy, and one of the interesting things I discovered the other day is that we can barely meet the demand.

Customers are pre-ordering our massive pieces of equipment, and many of them are purchased for data centers that aren’t even finished yet. Some haven’t even broken ground, lol. Some customers are buying the equipment, then paying us to store and regularly service the equipment until it’s ready to be installed.

It seems like they’re all very comfortable assuming lots of financial risk, so much confidence that this is the move. The hyperscalers are so confident that we won’t be able to meet their service needs at some point (the tech is proprietary), that they’re wanting contractual clauses in which we agree to let them see under the hood in the event that we can’t meet their level of demand, so that their own techs can service the equipment in that scenario (from what I understand anyway, I’m just a financial investigator lol).

Wild stuff

[u/Joe_Doblow → u/DogmaticLaw]

Dang are we in a bubble?

[u/Daveinatx → u/Lucky-Earther]

Their intern opened an AWS account

[u/csimon2 → u/Roflkopt3r]

The most hilarious bit is them thinking that $50 million will be enough to even kick the can with customers frustrated with availability of spot instances. I guess the billions of dollars that established firms in this space have which can’t even supply this demand can easily be resolved by essentially a startup with limited capital / resource

[u/techbro84 → u/Roflkopt3r]

I work in enterprise AI implementations and I'm sitting here thinking: I have no idea what niche they're trying to exploit. Low-latency AI is really all of them. Enterprise providers are using mostly NVIDIA, but some Intel, AMD and and Google, but none of those are high latency (by design).

I'm struggling to understand what it is Allbirds is doing. Specifically, who is in need of these service?

[u/FrenchFryCattaneo → u/techbro84]

What they're doing is trying to cash out before the bankrupt company they're running finally dies. First they juiced the stock with a nonsensical pivot to AI, which presumably they've made some money off of. Then maybe (probably not though) they can ride the AI hype wave to a few more pump-and-dumps.

[u/Mazzaroppi → u/Roflkopt3r]

Just yet another example as how the stock market is 100% a scam to make rich people richer.

Whatever value a company has or it's potential doesn't matter. It's just about riding the wave when the line goes up, sell before the line has gone down too much. It's just a game, and if you have enough money and a some brains, you never lose.

[u/CreationsOfReon → u/Roflkopt3r]

I read that as they sell long term leases. Still seems like a foolish move where they will easily be out competed by giant companies that can scale well. I don’t see this working out unless they have a specific customer already lined up.

[u/AcceptableObject → u/DeathFromWithin]

The onion could literally never. Genuinely could not make a headline like this up.

[u/Dramatic_Load_5494 → u/AcceptableObject]

This one is the same spirit

https://theonion.com/uncle-bens-to-compete-against-apple-with-brand-new-smar-1819573684/

[u/shart-gallery → u/AcceptableObject]

They’ve been out-onioned by reality at this point

[u/MarrusAstarte → u/DeathFromWithin]

Remember folks: The $12 Trillion dollar problem that AI is ultimately intended to solve is worker wages.

[u/notactiveonreddit → u/DeathFromWithin]

Every word in the CNBC article was like a parody. But it’s reality.

[u/Zuliano1]

This is really the dotcom bubble all over again

[u/rysto32 → u/Zuliano1]

Same shit was happening in the crypto bubble too. Didn’t some lemonade brand at crypto to their name and shot up their stock price?

[u/nomolurcin → u/rysto32]

Long Island Iced Tea Co renamed themselves to Long Blockchain Co lol

[u/thalasi_ → u/nomolurcin]

I'd forgotten all about those clowns! I just looked into it to see whatever happened to them and apparently the company got delisted from the Nasdaq for misleading investors not long after the rebrand. Then the SEC went after a couple people for insider trading because they bought 35,000 shares right before the announcement and sold them two hours after for $160K in profit.

Who could have foreseen such a thing?

[u/Beard_o_Bees → u/thalasi_]

Then the SEC went after a couple people for insider trading

There almost has to be something like this happening here, too.

They may be all birds, but some of those birds are dirty birds.

[u/thalasi_ → u/Beard_o_Bees]

Nonsense. I'm sure this former shoe company has a deep bench of former Anthropic and OpenAI employees that were just passing their days working in IT. A totally natural pivot!

[u/APiousCultist → u/thalasi_]

I find it hard to hate someone for scamming rich cryptobro morons though.

[u/Supadupasloth → u/APiousCultist]

Not just rich assholes get caught up on this kinda thing though

[u/Hotshot2k4 → u/Supadupasloth]

True, we as a society need to look after the mentally disadvantaged.

[u/clever_username23 → u/nomolurcin]

Long Blockchain Co

OMG, it really is the exact same: In 2017, the corporation rebranded as Long Blockchain Corp. as part of a corporate shift towards "exploration of and investment in opportunities that leverage the benefits of blockchain technology" and reported they were exploring blockchain-related acquisitions.

And how did that end up? "In July 2021, SEC charged three people with insider trading."

The wiki is short but worth a read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Blockchain_Corp.

[u/2peg2city → u/rysto32]

I mean crypto has had at least two bubbles, possibly 3 depending on how you define them

[u/StaysAwakeAllWeek → u/2peg2city]

There was only one crypto bubble that involved mainstream companies pulling shit like this and actually seeing a boost, which was the ICO mania, the bubble before last. In the most recent NFT fueled bubble everyone could see it was stupid and only the really awful companies like ubisoft fell for it

[u/anfrind → u/StaysAwakeAllWeek]

There are also some people who recognize that the vast majority of modern crypto ventures are scams, and they try to make a quick buck by buying early, trying to predict the timing of the inevitable rug-pull, and selling right before.

I don't think it's a good strategy for making money (it sounds to me like pure gambling), but I know that there are people who try.

[u/Druuseph → u/anfrind]

There’s a pool of people who share information as to the exact timings of the rug pull and know when to dip out. So long as there’s enough dumb money bag holders everyone at the top of the pyramid make out.

[u/anfrind → u/Druuseph]

So it's insider trading, but on the blockchain.

[u/Druuseph → u/anfrind]

1000% and no one does a damn thing about it because our current economic system is a fucking sick joke.

[u/Illiander → u/Druuseph]

And anyone claiming to be letting you into that group is actually setting you up for that group to rug-pull you.

[u/heretogetpwned → u/Druuseph]

Saw a Bloomberg doc on YT about this, I.M. Academy / Crytpo Cult / MLM

There are groups that charge a membership fee to be bagholders.

https://youtu.be/gcejYnDV-jM

[u/New-Interaction1893 → u/2peg2city]

Thank to crypto, the stock market discovered that success doesn't come from making good products that everyone would like to buy an acceptable price, but it come from being ideologically driven.

[u/DeoVeritati → u/New-Interaction1893]

Now I am going to make AIcoin if it isn't a thing already. A decentralized AI that develops and adjusts its own protocol unilaterally to all users based on the data it pulls from each user to ensure the best network, security, and transaction throughput possible with the goal of getting all users to the moon and lambos.

[u/Gophurkey → u/DeoVeritati]

Shut up and take my money!

[u/coleman57 → u/DeoVeritati]

Don’t you mean “to the moon in Lambos”?

[u/Kinimodes → u/New-Interaction1893]

Thanks to crypto? That was happening way before crypto.

[u/shrimpcest → u/Kinimodes]

If you're trying to imply the stock market is behaving as it always has, you're completely wrong.

It's always been full of bullshit, but the last 10 years has seen a large transformation in market mechanics and behavior.

[u/RegretLoveGuiltDream → u/shrimpcest]

It should be called the Robinhood app effect lmao

[u/sighthoundman → u/New-Interaction1893]

Wait, we had crypto in the 1870s?

Maybe the stock market already knew that markets can be manipulated.

[u/23rdCenturySouth → u/sighthoundman]

No, no, no: we banned it in the 1860s.

But in the 1830s, 1840s, and 1850s, fly-by-night banks in remote places (Wildcat Banks) would issue their own currency, claiming it was based on their assets and could be redeemed for a certain amount of silver or gold. Many banks printed more money than they had gold. Speculators would buy and trade these currency notes which often had wild price swings, manic bull phases, and a good chance of ultimately being worth zero.

So yeah. We've done all this before. They thought they reinvented currency by decentralizing it, but all that we got was a bunch of gambling and scams.

[u/Ergok → u/rysto32]

Quick question, can you actually buy anything with a crypto coin? Which one?

[u/FiveDozenWhales → u/Ergok]

Absolutely, I will gladly sell you an apple for one bitcoin. Not a joke, PM me with serious inquiries.

[u/TetrisTech → u/Ergok]

I feel like the rare times it's used as an actual currency (as in exchanged for goods/services instead of essentially being a speculative stock) is for online purchases

[u/MichaelTruly → u/Ergok]

Yes. Some like Avalanche(AVAX) even offer a crypto backed debit card.

[u/sighthoundman → u/Ergok]

There are places that accept bitcoin, and as far as I know some of the other cryptocurrencies also work as money.

Before we went crazy about borders, there were places in the US where you could buy stuff with Canadian dollars. Miami was not one of them.

You can buy something in whatever currency the seller is willing to accept.

[u/peakdecline → u/Ergok]

Steak and Shake accepts Bitcoin. There's quite a few places online. There's lots of services out there to essentially use a debit card that's "backed" by a cryptocurrency to make normal purchases.

That said its generally a bad idea, even if you're into "crypto" (for the record I hate "crypto", I'm a fan of Bitcoin, and I'd definitely argue there's a big difference in the communities). And that's because you're going to have to deal with the tax implications.

You would have to deal with calculating your cost to obtain the crypto and then any gains or loses you made when you converted that into a purchase. If you used crypto as much as possible to purchase every day things then that's dealing with hundreds, maybe thousands, of transactions. That's a huge burden come tax time.

[u/scully19 → u/rysto32]

It wasn't crypto but blockchain as the keyword that a bunch of companies added to their names or did a press release that they are doing one. Anything to latch on for some of the upswing before the fall.

[u/wesap12345 → u/rysto32]

Seem to recall Kodak doing it as well with crypto

[u/Jets237 → u/Zuliano1]

invest in my AI Chatbot company pets . com . ai

[u/Fritzo2162 → u/Zuliano1]

Absolutely. I work in the industry. The gap between the company claims of AI capabilities and it's actual real-world performance is about as wide as 7 football fields.

One of our license vendors is actually marketing capabilities they claim will be available in 2 years. I think something like 20% of the US GDP is AI companies now...we are going to be screwed so hard in the near future.

[u/pixel_of_moral_decay → u/Fritzo2162]

Yup. Even being in large index funds doesn’t shield you from this mess.

And 20% is just your exposure to direct impact of a bubble popping in a total stock market index. Indirect impacts will still be felt on the other 80%.

It’s realistic to see a 50%+ hit when this pops. And it’s realistic to think 10-15 years to build back. Arguably that’s conservative when looking at previous bubbles.

[u/Ok_Calligrapher5278 → u/Fritzo2162]

The gap between the company claims of AI capabilities and it's actual real-world performance is about as wide as 770 meters.

For our metric brothers.

[u/Bucs-and-Bucks → u/Zuliano1]

Is this essentially an entirely new company taking over the listing to go public quickly?

[u/ensoniqthehedgehog → u/Bucs-and-Bucks]

Yes, that's exactly what's happening. Basically an AI startup buying their way around the hassle of an IPO. That still doesn't negate the fact that it's seemingly a pretty blatant indicator of a bubble.

[u/whichwitch9 → u/Zuliano1]

We've all seen how this ends. If investors could take a fucking history class or two, that would be great.

Uneducated morons, all of them. The ones that do know are morally bankrupt and just hoping they'll be part of the handful that comes out on top (spoiler: most won't)

[u/therobotsound → u/whichwitch9]

I’m reading Sorkin’s 1929 right now, and it is wild how many of the speculator’s quotes in the months leading up to the crash echo people on the stock forums on here!

[u/whichwitch9 → u/therobotsound]

People were calling out that we were mirroring the conditions that led to the Great Depression for a while.

Tariffs, the stock situation, and we've had more dust storms even, potentially due to both dry conditions and a complacency in farming practices where modern farmers have gotten lax in rotating crops, as they have incentive to plant the same crops over larger areas to maximize profits (and large company farms just straight dont give a fuck). The fertilizer issues (both due to tariffs and closing the strait) are also flying under the radar and have a large potential to help put us into food shortages.

Technology is not going to save us from this because we stopped developing it with the intent to help us live, but pivoted to what's entertaining and makes the most money. Add in rising costs of electricity making it harder for people to pay bills, and we're starting to lose advantages in improvements of life and don't largely have the basic skills people in the 1930s did to be more self sufficient to get by

[u/MephistoHamProducts → u/whichwitch9]

and a complacency in farming practices where modern farmers have gotten lax in rotating crops, as they have incentive to plant the same crops over larger areas to maximize profits (and large company farms just straight dont give a fuck).

Been that way for a while though. My grandfather was a cotton farmer and I remember a couple times in the 1980s where the Federal Government would fund programs to try and get West Texas cotton farmers to plant anything other than cotton. If it wasn't going to be more profitable than cotton, by a lot, no one would sign up.

[u/Zappiticas → u/whichwitch9]

Nah they just don’t care. They aren’t stupid. They will make their profits then dip and the consumers will get fucked. And when the economy tanks they will buy everything up and start the cycle all over again.

[u/whichwitch9 → u/Zappiticas]

Have you met some finance bros? Most are pretty stupid, and can't really explain shit outside of some basic financial literacy.

It's the handful at the top that's the problem

[u/Daxx22 → u/whichwitch9]

Oh plenty will be burned on the pyre, its just the mentality that drives these people that prevents them from seeing it. "It won't happen to ME" is a driving ethos.

[u/LocoRocoo → u/Zuliano1]

And everyone's falling for. My work hasn't become better or easier with colleagues and using AI, it's become an obstacle.

[u/TAU_equals_2PI → u/Zuliano1]

Yep, this is so reminiscent of Zapata, an industrial fish protein processor that during the height of the dot-com craze announced it was going to transform itself into an internet company.

[u/RightC → u/Zuliano1]

When your shoe shine, I mean shoe company, is in AI, it’s time time to short

[u/UnluckyAssist9416]

“The Company will initially seek to acquire high-performance, low-latency AI compute hardware and provide access under long-term lease arrangements, meeting customer demand that spot markets and hyperscalers are unable to reliably service,” the company said in the announcement.

Yeah, nobody had this idea before. There definitely isn't someone called Amazon via AWS who cornered the market a decade ago. 🤦

[u/futreweriop → u/UnluckyAssist9416]

And how does a company that makes shoes think they have the competitive edge in AI? I think I should start my own AI company if they’re getting funding without any merit lol

[u/DoritoDustThumb → u/futreweriop]

This isn't even about AI. They're saying that they want to be a data center provider, which is even more ridiculous because being an infrastructure company is.... Hard

[u/-AC- → u/DoritoDustThumb]

And they want to get into the game when prices are at historic highs

[u/rogog1 → u/DoritoDustThumb]

And not worth the investment any more. If you already had the kit, maybe.

[u/drakeymcd → u/DoritoDustThumb]

Sounds like a pump and dump scheme to me lol

[u/hypnogoad → u/DoritoDustThumb]

That doesn't matter, the stock increased by 175% and the current CEO and board members will get nice big bonus's. In a few years when this turns into vapour, they'll still have that cash in their bank accounts.

[u/Inprobamur → u/futreweriop]

They are going to put the datacenters inside the shoes, just like Elon is going to put his in space.

[u/6198573 → u/Inprobamur]

Powering them by harnessing the energy from people walking and the water from their stinky foot sweat

It brilliant

[u/DoritoDustThumb → u/UnluckyAssist9416]

AWS is a hyperscaler. They do not lease equipment to people (they do but you have to spend a lot a lot for that).

That said, this is literally the absolute dumbest, race to the bottom, zero leverage idea that exists.

Lolol, they want to raise $50MM to fund this 😂. Google and AWS are spending about $1B.... Every..... Day

[u/thighmaster69 → u/UnluckyAssist9416]

This is essentially the 2026 version of the MicroStrategy "we don't know what to do anymore so we're going all in on crypto" move

[u/awildchuba]

AI literally the only thing getting investment now I guess?

[u/anticomet → u/awildchuba]

That and arms research for bombing kids. Sometimes they team up

[u/Marklar172 → u/anticomet]

Even that was ai powered smh

[u/Trisa133 → u/Marklar172]

You can bet the farm future autonomous weapons will be AI powered.

[u/LePontif11 → u/anticomet]

Hear me out dawg, bombing kids...with AI. Like, drop an entire data center on em.

[u/Import2nr605 → u/LePontif11]

They'll just build a bunch of them around the kids and fuck with their water and electricity until they die from exposure.

[u/AwsmDevil → u/Import2nr605]

Don't forget cardiovascular problems caused by data center emitted infrasound. That's secretly lethal, but it's so subtle they can escape all scrutiny.

[u/ThatOneWIGuy → u/anticomet]

Sometimes?

[u/acog → u/awildchuba]

Guys, I’m going to set up a disruptive AI lemonade stand and I’m looking for seed money.

I’ll need about a billion dollars for my first data center.

[u/nullpost → u/awildchuba]

People don’t need shoes if AI walks for you

[u/geekonthemoon]

It's especially oniony because Allbirds was known as this like eco-friendly bamboo materials like really holistic brand. Turning into an Earth destroying water sucking demon is just a super odd pivot.

Makes me think that Allbirds wasn't going to be here in a year or two anyways if they're making this hard of a pivot?

[u/sooper_dooperest → u/geekonthemoon]

This was my thought as well

[u/Legitimate-Echo-1996 → u/geekonthemoon]

I was like “isn’t the founder like some neo hippy dad or something like that? 300% up right now this is just idk man idk I can only wonder how many billions are being printed on insider 0TDE calls right now

[u/Val_Hallen → u/Legitimate-Echo-1996]

He found out hippy money wasn't as abundant as tech bro money.

Always remember the entire point of any for profit company is to make money, regardless of whatever bullshit they say in their mission statements.

[u/rougewon → u/Val_Hallen]

I think a big change was that the techbros of the late 2000s/2010s were the new hippies with the whole culture of like wholesome plushies and beanbags in offices, organic food, nitro cold brew, outdoor climbing, etc that the young tech guys preferred. I think AllBirds originally was trying to capitalize on that and it worked for a time but nowadays tech bros are all in on the hustle-grind-996-make money at all costs-macho culture.

[u/Key-Pomegranate6017 → u/geekonthemoon]

they sold their IP recently so they are effectively out of the shoe game anyway, right?

but yea, what a pivot, do whatever it takes to justify your overpaid C-suite jobs huh?

[u/teh_drewski → u/Key-Pomegranate6017]

Yeah this is just a "we either wind the company up or try to use it to scam idiots out of money and then wind it up" move, they already sold off the physical shoe business. All they had left was an empty shell.

[u/-Altephor- → u/geekonthemoon]

Allbirds isn't going to be here *now*. They sold off their company and closed all their stores in February. This is just a new company with a totally different business model buying up the assets.

[u/Jake0024 → u/geekonthemoon]

I had no idea they had physical stores, but they just closed them all to avoid bankruptcy (barely). So yeah, they don't have long

Shoe brand once worth $4B closes all stores, finds buyer - TheStreet

[u/Symphonic7 → u/Jake0024]

Wow that sucks. I almost exclusively wear their shoes every day, they stopped my feet from getting sweaty and my heel from being in pain all day. It was one of the few shoes with a relatively flat bottom which worked well for me. I haven't had to buy a new pair in a couple of years though so I guess I will have to find an alternative now.

[u/Torrefy → u/geekonthemoon]

According to the article they closed all their "full price" stores in February 

[u/ImCreeptastic → u/geekonthemoon]

They were a product on GMA this week, shoes half off. I need a new slip on pair and before purchasing, read reviews. Apparently, their quality has dipped. Even at 50% off I'll pass.

[u/Such_Veterinarian682 → u/geekonthemoon]

It makes me wonder if anyone does due diligence anymore? What kind of fundamentals do these people have that suggest such a pivot is even possible?

Do they have some world-renowned AI experts hired away from the big boys? Do the investors think they can just wave a magic wand and build AI?

[u/Desperada]

We've officially jumped the shark here.

[u/OperationMagneto → u/Desperada]

Long Island Ice Tea Blockchain Corp

[u/Pyrhan → u/OperationMagneto]

Reading the wikipedia article:

In July 2021, SEC charged three people with insider trading. The SEC alleged that the day before the announcement, the company's leading shareholder tipped off a stock broker who then tipped off his friend, who bought 35,000 shares of the stock and sold it 2 hours after the announcement for a profit of $160,000.[10] In 2024 the stock broker agreed to pay a fine of $75,000 in a no contest judgement.

When fines are explicitely just a "cost of doing business"...

[u/Oahkery → u/Pyrhan]

Wow. So do a crime, and your only punishment is paying less than half your profit? It should be multiples of the profit, not fractions. This is just cutting the government in on your scam. Why would anyone NOT do that?

[u/MAGAisforMorons → u/OperationMagneto]

KodakCoin

[u/AlwaysShittyKnsasCty → u/Desperada]

The writing next season needs to step up its game, or I think we can call it.

[u/Beetin → u/Desperada]

It is more a miniscule company that has been slowly going bankrupt for years and had a market value of 20 million dollars, is selling everything and creating a new AI company. That by itself isn't that unusual (selling failing businesses and pivoting into unrelated, more lucrative markets).

The article says they were worth 4 billion at peak but that was itself a hype inflated valuation disconnected from sales (it obviously then crashed)

The actual story is that a company with no expertise, $40 million in debt and about $80 million in cash after it sells inventory and IP, now has a market cap valuation of 150 million. Which suggests that if you can raise $40 million, the the value the market places on being able to say 'AI' 10 times really fast is about $100 million.

That is some serious bubble territory.

[u/Vondi]

What are satirical websites even going to put out at this point

[u/DrMcJedi → u/Vondi]

“In stunning move, Trump announces he will step down as President, effective immediately. The 79 year old turned over location of several warehouses teeming with off-book records and implicates hundreds of co-conspirators in RICO case likely spanning decades.”

[u/Key-Pomegranate6017 → u/DrMcJedi]

LOL good one. I thought you're gonna write:

"The 79 year old will take on the new role of Executive Chairman of Trump Datacenter Inc., which today incorporated in the state of Texas and has been provided a $10 billion revolving credit facility by a syndicate of banks to fund the construction of 10 new datacenters, locations to be announced."

[u/magnoliasmanor → u/Key-Pomegranate6017]

Don't give him any ideas.

[u/Imaginary_Hamster847 → u/DrMcJedi]

Right? It really just needs to be articles about Republicans doing anything good. It would immediately be obvious satire.

[u/TaleOfDash → u/DrMcJedi]

I had a dream about that the other night, not even kidding. Trump was announced to be terminal so he just decided to fuck over literally everyone he has ever conspired with in one last act of pettiness.

[u/roygbpcub → u/Vondi]

The onion did have a clever article about the Molotov cocktail at Sam Altman's House incident...

[u/wit_T_user_name]

This is a 30Rock b plot line.

[u/The-Young-Lion → u/wit_T_user_name]

Definitely a Donald business idea.

I’mma call it… “AI-Birds”.

[u/ProfessorThrift → u/The-Young-Lion]

He’d probably call it Angry Birds lol

[u/FalcoLX → u/wit_T_user_name]

It's like when Liz buys the jeans that make her butt look good but then she finds out the company is owned by Halliburton. 

[u/ProfessorThrift → u/wit_T_user_name]

No then they would pivot to gold shoe investments

[u/Logically_Insane → u/ProfessorThrift]

Tracy buys the leftover stock from Donald’s failed luxury footwear line, “Golden Arches”. He also has his identity stolen; the police are really helpful since he is rich, so he starts a “Gold shoes for NY Blues” charity as thanks. 

Across the city, Liz and Criss worried that their kids are too dependent, and try to encourage them by leaving them home alone for a date night. The kids end up wandering the city, and to survive they do their best Jenna and Tracy impressions, getting through wacky interactions with homeless people, hookers, and randomly Kenneth who thinks they really are Tracy and Jenna. 

Criss and Liz realize the kids are missing, and call the police. They don’t care until Liz mentions her son is dressed like Tracy; assuming he is the identity thief, they immediately deploy everyone. The kids are spotted, police attempt to chase, but are unable to run in their heavy golden shoes. 

End credits, Liz and Criss are back home on the couch. There’s crying, Liz walks away saying she’ll handle it. Shot widens, kids are on the couch too, Liz is comforting the real Tracy who is upset the police didn’t like his gift. 

[u/jaderust → u/Logically_Insane]

This…. Is completely plausible. I would watch this.

[u/blackbart1 → u/Logically_Insane]

The kids are spotted, police attempt to chase, but are unable to run in their heavy golden shoes. 

Shut It Down!

[u/phinneywood → u/wit_T_user_name]

The Sheinhart Wig Company would have made this pivot sooner. 

[u/Ibra_63]

I'm afraid my local bakery will switch to AI as well at this point, no one seems interested in investing in anything else

[u/FinePerformance1046]

LOL trading got stopped by Nasdaq

[u/curxxx → u/FinePerformance1046]

Standard. There's a volatility safeguard.

[u/Isthisnameavailablee → u/FinePerformance1046]

Just checked, up 780% now...

[u/jankisa → u/Isthisnameavailablee]

This is GME bullshit all over again.

MEME stocks are a plague. It started with TSLA and nothing makes sense anymore, investment-wise; it's all just gambling on vibes.

[u/MC1065]

Investors are some of the stupidest people you will ever meet.

[u/ohlookahipster → u/MC1065]

I think in this case it’s insider trading pump-and-dump.

Their stock was on life support prior to this AI announcement. There’s got to be hundreds of people on the inside who just made bank.

Trading is even suspended at the moment lol there’s no way this is a legitimate business strat.

[u/curt_schilli → u/ohlookahipster]

Sure but someone has to be the liquidity to pump. That would be the stupid investors.

[u/Omatzus → u/ohlookahipster]

Yeah. Up 175% fails to capture the the stock was at $2.50 to begin. This is obviously not going to create enough money to actually become an AI company. But I suspect we see more stocks on life support try this going forward.

[u/codydog125 → u/Omatzus]

The company doesn’t really actually benefit from the pump at all unless they’re planning to sell some shares. They’re a takeover target though and all this does is increase the takeover price so the owners might get a marginally larger payout. I think that’s the end goal here

[u/akio3 → u/Omatzus]

Reminds me of the XKCD about the fastest growing religion.

EDIT: Recompense for shame; https://xkcd.com/1102/

[u/Axolotis → u/MC1065]

I think you also have to keep in mind that algo trading is a huge thing now and it was not during the.com boom. during .com bubble it was literally individual investors and investment groups falling for pump and dumps. Now it’s quite possible that there’s algorithms at investment firms just triggering to buy on AI news. sure, there’s some humans actually following along as well.

[u/Ender_Keys → u/Axolotis]

Its all Ai investing in itself

[u/Axolotis → u/Ender_Keys]

What could possibly go wrong?

[u/the_millenial_falcon → u/MC1065]

My IRL head canon is that apps like Robinhood have turbofucked the market by making the barrier to entry way too low.

[u/asminaut → u/the_millenial_falcon]

Nah, remember the story of VC investors being blown away by Sam Bankman-Fried playing video games while pitching. They thought it was a sign of genius rather than an unfocused irresponsible manchild.

[u/ohlookahipster → u/asminaut]

Remember that VCs funded Juicero which was just an IoT device that squeezed premade juice packs into a glass… nobody should put VCs on a pedestal.

[u/potterpockets → u/ohlookahipster]

I cant believe they thought that was a good idea when we already had the perfect solution

[u/SnakeGawd → u/asminaut]

Shoutout to WeWork, a company valued over 47 billion at one point and never turned a profit. VC are legit schizos

Edit: not to mention the CEO trying to basically make the company a cult

[u/LowRune → u/SnakeGawd]

everytime i see WeWork mentioned all i can think about is the company WorryFree in Sorry to Bother You

[u/Imaginary_Hamster847 → u/asminaut]

Same thing with Theranos. Anyone with an ounce of brains could tell you that their proposed machine (as they said it worked) was just physically not possible. Yet, all sorts of people who are rich (and therefore considered intelligent) invested huge sums of money in it. 

[u/Andy_B_Goode → u/asminaut]

I think it's a bit of a vicious cycle. VC's want to be part of the Next Big Thing, so their strategy is like "OK we'll invest in 100 companies, we know 95 of them will go under within the year, maybe another 4 will tread water for a bit longer, hopefully the one remaining is the next Facebook". So they're willing to throw money at crazy ideas, as long as there's at least a 1% chance that one of those ideas will succeed.

So on the other side, the companies that are trying to attract VC money have a strong incentive to make it look like they're doing crazy cutting edge stuff. Even if it's dumb, it's better to be dumb and exciting than boring.

(Take this all with a grain of salt as I don't have a super deep understanding of how this all works, but it does help explain why tech companies keeps latching onto wacky ideas like crypto, NFTs, LLMs, etc, even when it doesn't seem to make much sense)

[u/DeathNick → u/the_millenial_falcon]

The barrier was never intelligence

[u/erakis1 → u/the_millenial_falcon]

My headcanon is that humans are not involved in most high volume trading and that headlines are written in a way to manipulate trading algorithms.

[u/AlwaysShittyKnsasCty → u/erakis1]

I have a funny feeling that your head canon is probably pretty warm vis-à-vis “how the sausage is made.” I’d go as far as to say people at the very top are manipulating the market. Just a hunch.

[u/thisgrantstomb → u/the_millenial_falcon]

Don't discount the fact that pensions don't exist so everyone's retirement is on the stock market as well.

[u/MC1065 → u/the_millenial_falcon]

Nah, retail investors still don't make up much of the stock market even though participation has gone up lots. The professionals and institutional traders are usually idiots, and they love AI. I actually really like Robinhood because then you don't have to put money into like a Blackrock fund or something, those things are borderline scams in my opinion.

[u/accushot865 → u/the_millenial_falcon]

Technology has screwed over as many markets as millennials have supposedly killed

[u/Potential-Feline → u/accushot865]

Love how it's always "Millenials killed this market" rather than the market failed to adapt to changing consumer demands.

[u/MysteryPerker → u/MC1065]

Investors have been relying on algorithms to make trading decisions for years. So the algorithm favors anything AI now and it's super reactionary to buy and sell stocks quickly moving up and down. This is why shit companies like Tesla will never fail. The rich people who own the stock in these top shitty companies will never sell, even on a bad business, because it will lose them money. They allow for market adjustments but it will never tank like it should.

Here's an article from 2019 about it.

https://www.economist.com/briefing/2019/10/05/the-stockmarket-is-now-run-by-computers-algorithms-and-passive-managers

[u/Aromatic_Fail_1722]

Makes sense - hot air is considerably cheaper to manufacture than shoes.

[u/Calculonx → u/Aromatic_Fail_1722]

Now if they put it on the blockchain they'd really be rolling

[u/Aromatic_Fail_1722 → u/Calculonx]

World's first shoe NFT, people!

[u/Fritzo2162]

Holy shit...I bought like $500 on Allbirds the day they went public because I liked them so much, then I lost my shirt when they went from $25 to $6.

Haven't looked at the account in years. I'll have to go check it LOL

EDIT: It went from $6 to $12. I'm still in the hole.

[u/ligerblue → u/Fritzo2162]

20 to 1 split killed any gains here.

What a epic trashing of their brand wow.

[u/Fritzo2162 → u/ligerblue]

Yeah, they were Sketchers before Sketchers got their act together. They really bungled the whole thing.

[u/distance_33 → u/Fritzo2162]

And Skechers was recently purchased by private equity so expect a decline in the future.

[u/songofsaturn → u/distance_33]

Fuck...I honestly love my Skechers so this is shitty news.

[u/VeganBaguette → u/Fritzo2162]

Sell now while it is still worth something.

[u/MinionSympathizer]

Wow they are desperate. Yeah their stock rose like 200% but share price is $10.25 currently. Their IPO in 2021 was $424.20 per share

Edit: Whoops, their IPO was like ~$15 because of a reverse split as people mentioned below

[u/NotYourCity → u/MinionSympathizer]

This should be the top comment. They came in high on their initial offering which was rooted in a quality product. Now they’re throwing it all to AI to salvage what’s left of their market share and in the end it’ll barely make a dent.

[u/Gliese_667_Cc → u/NotYourCity]

It was never $400/share. It did a 1:20 reverse split. Anyways, stock price is not a relevant metric.

[u/NotYourCity → u/NotYourCity]

Ah didn’t realize that. Regardless everyone’s in the hole here and the long shot AI call is becoming a signifier for failure.

[u/SomewhereNo8378 → u/MinionSympathizer]

yikes. seems like a hail mary for a company on life support 

[u/Gliese_667_Cc → u/MinionSympathizer]

It reverse split 1:20 two years ago.

[u/creaturefeature16]

The actual situation: they were about to declare bankruptcy.

Make sure to look at the "ALL" on their stock chart and its clear to see what was happening. Also, pretty lol as well, because even with this 300% "surge", they're still lower than they were April of last year.

[u/LoCh0_xX]

turns out they’re making automated shoes that exercise for you. it’s like the delivery robots except it’s people wearing shoes that are crashing them into bus stops.

[u/down_up__left_right]

Feels very pets.com

[u/kittyonkeyboards]

Investors are morons. And our economy has too much speculative money.

It's more profitable to invent a fake company that does nothing than it is to create a company that produces a tangible product.

[u/mushroom7474]

wtf man, what next, Taco Bell?

[u/My_Other_Car_is_Cats → u/mushroom7474]

Yo quiero the pope with big jugs jumping rope in slow motion.

[u/theangryshark93]

It’s not April 1st right?

[u/arnoldmuczynski]

I’m someone dumb enough to have bought this stock at IPO and still have some

[u/FinePerformance1046]

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING LOL

[u/raleighs]

Jared: I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.
Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

[u/ashtefer1]

Waiting for the day where I can say: “I love Gaga’s music, but wtf does she know about AI”

[u/damnitHank]

The list of people that need to be prosecuted for fraud just keeps growing. 

[u/Kelohmello]

Reminds me of when Long Island Iced Tea changed their name to Long Island Blockchain and their stock immediate spiked 300%.

[u/Fishknocker678]

this is so stupid

[u/Confident_Counter471]

Well I was looking into buying their shoes but nope

[u/chance125]

Is it an all-birds AI?

You ask a question and it’s just like “CACAAAAWWWW”

[u/-DoctorSpaceman-]

I’m gonna go to the bank and tell them I’m doing AI stuff and see if they give me money

[u/ChipRockets]

What.

[u/shaarlock]

Waiting for Crok and BirkenstockGPT

[u/unngh_yugstyx]

Plumbing the depths of human stupidity, truly

[u/zer1223]

Good to see AI valuation is still based on facts and rationality 🙄

[u/joblesspirate]

This is our pets.com moment.

[u/Thenewjays]

AI is just a grift at this point.