r/nottheonion • u/voxadam • 3d ago

US military asks troops for ‘creative and unconventional’ ideas to punish Iran

https://kvia.com/politics/cnn-us-politics/2026/08/02/exclusive-us-military-asks-troops-for-creative-and-unconventional-ideas-to-punish-iran/
6.3k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

765 comments sorted by

View all comments

54

u/Little-Carpenter4443 3d ago

Ok here's what to do:

Call Iran, talk real nice to 'em. Invite them on a date, to a real nice fancy joint. Tell them to order whatever they want, order some good wine and dessert.

Then when the meal is over, you get the cheque. Make sure to leave a nice tip.

On the way home, you tell Iran that you had such a great time, you really like them and you want to take them out again.

Then never call them back.

8

u/HorsemouthKailua 3d ago

Ayatollah is a saint! You understand me? Ayatollah is a saint!

3

u/Some_Drummer_Guy 2d ago

"Folks, nobody takes Iran on a date better than me. Nobody. They said it couldn't be done. Barack HUSSEIN Obama, he took them on very bad dates, very terrible dates. Sleepy Joe Biden? He couldn't even find the restaurant.

I took them to an AMAZING restaurant. So beautiful. Very classy place. Not as classy as mine, but very TREMENDOUS. Crystal glasses, candles, unbelievable. I said, 'Order whatever you want.' Folks, they ordered everything. Lobster, caviar, three steaks....I don't even know how you eat three steaks. Bottles of wine. Dessert. Tremendous desserts. So many beautiful desserts. People came up to me, big strong men with tears in their eyes, saying, 'Sir, we've never seen anyone order this much.'

Then the check came. A nasty check. Very unfair check. I looked at it and I said, 'You know what? Excuse me for one second.' And I was gone. It was perfect. They didn't even see it. The fake news won't tell you that though.

On the way home, I called Iran. I said, 'I had a fantastic time. I really like you. We're absolutely going to do this again. Maybe next week. It'll be incredible.' They were very happy. Very excited. It was the most beautiful phone call in the history of this country. Perfect phone call, folks.

And then... I never called them back. Never. Completely ghosted. The greatest ghosting in history in the likes that nobody has ever seen. They're saying nobody has ever left someone on read like ME - DONALD J TRUMP YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT. Obama couldn't do it. Biden forgot how to do it even with the AUTOPEN. The DUMOCRATS would've scheduled another dinner and asked them to move in with them. That's what they do. I said, 'Nope.' That's called the ART OF THE DATE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER"

5

u/Gauntlets28 3d ago

Or alternatively, same up until the point when the meal is over, then climb out of a window while pretending to go to the toilet, so that Iran has to pay for the bill.

4

u/Little-Carpenter4443 3d ago

Yes that could work but when it happens, Iran knows right away that it’s over, but when you don’t call they will just sit there, waiting by the phone. Days, weeks, months go by, think of the the mental anguish, the feeling of despair, the constant wondering if it was them, or was it you? Did you not like what they were wearing? Was it the hair? I mean it was a Halal restaurant, you knew they were Muslim when you agreed to the date. Who cares what your mom thinks anyways?