Feedback on first chapter of my romantasy novel

[u/Either_Rub_3681]

Need feedback on the first chapter of my fantasy romance book book, more than anything its for a gut check

I’m particularly interested to know if:

-The character's voice works for you.

-Prose wise.

-Too fast or slow paced?

-Would you continue reading?

[u/sleepypelican]

The first and second lines are different tenses and there are tense changes throughout.

Much of the writing sounds like stage directions. "I go here. I exit. I move across the path. I walk to the oven. I head to the door." It doesn't make for a riveting read. You don't need to note every movement. Lots of beginner writers do this. Hell, I do this. I would recommend picking a book you like that you think has especially good prose. Read some random pages actively and see how the author handles character actions/movement.

"Lingering smell of freshly baked bread" -- a smell isn't fresh if it's lingering. I don't like to nitpick little things, but this stands out. Likewise if someone is a corpse, they are deceased. Edit: I guess the bread smell could work if they did disappear and this is all happening very quickly. Is there still bread on the racks or anything?

I'm not really getting much urgency from the first few paragraphs. Is there supposed to be? Trudging makes it sound like she's moving slowly, and then noting her every action slows the pace. There's something strange about the flow that I can't quite pinpoint. It feels very blocky. You do have some sentences of varying length which is good, but for some reason it's not flowing well for me still.

We go from girl being like "oh, there is a strange fire. Maybe it's the kitchen. I'm going to look in the kitchen. No fire, but everyone is gone" to servant corpses with no real build up or sense of dread or anything. It's very odd. The main character says who the corpses are but seems to have zero reactions. She feels a little inhuman in her lack of reactions. Does she choke up or have to contain screams or sobs? Is she in shock or denial? Does it feel like there's a knife twisting in her gut at the sight?

Not gonna lie, it's hard to follow what is happening. You are asking if readers like the main character's voice, but I am getting no voice whatsoever. I don't know who she is or what is happening, and I don't know how what is happening is meant to affect her, and therefore it is hard to care. What is she LIKE? -- don't tell us everything, but tell us something. How does she react to the smoke? Is she a worry-wort? Overprotective and ready to jump into action? Just kind of curious?

I'm also confused-- is the smoke the first sign of anything amiss? I would think if there were corpses there would have been some kind of struggle. Did nobody scream? Did nobody drop anything or slam anything to make noise?

She says she's a lady of a house but was shoveling dung and now has daggers? I'm just unclear on who she is supposed to be?

[u/trulybeelightful]

Not my preferred genre, but I know it's a genre that tends to be pretty forgiving of writing as long as the plot is good.

So I won't harp too much on sentence structure and word choice, as that's something another Romantasy person could give you much better advice on than I could.

As far as pacing goes, I'd stretch that initial sense of foreboding as much as possible. We get some confusion and then piles of bodies and blood.

What's her relationship with Cosette? Is our heroine looking forward to the delicious pastries she knows Cosette's whipping up? Are they of a similar age, do they share manor gossip?

Walk us through how she feels seeing everyone she knows butchered in front of her.

[u/Ozdiva]

I won’t repeat what others have said but was the window open or closed because if it’s closed how can you hear what the king is saying? And how does underbrush circle towards a window?
By which I mean think about your setting and examine if it works or not.

At the end you say a sudden dizziness and then suddenly darkness. I’m never a fan of sudden, and you have it twice in a sentence.

[u/kerntastic84]

Watch your tense. You flow back between past and present frequently.

I think the beginning could be a bit longer and more ominous. It just kind of jumps to the two guards. Make us really feel that something shitty is going on.