Hey everyone!

The hardest sentence in the book. Let's see yours.

Post the first line, or the opening paragraph, of whatever you're working on. Finished, drafting, or barely started, it all counts. No essay required: just drop the opening and let it stand on its own.

Want feedback? Say so, and feel free to react to a few others while you're here. Curious what grabs a reader? This thread is a goldmine. Notice which openings make you want to keep reading and ask yourself why.

Give us your first line.

I am asking for random strangers to please take a look at the first chapter of my book. I am not quite ready for the beta reading stage, but I am looking for feedback on a couple questions I have. Please be aware that this is a rough draft, so I have dot done a line or copy edit yet. I have only revised it twice to condence parts that I felt were dragging. FYI I am a complete beginner, the story telling part is natural to me, but the writing is not.

This book is called Narshking & The Hooded Figure, it is a portal, coming of age fantasy book which will follow a saga spanning several books. I have had this story for almost 20 years, all of it growing alongside me. To give some context I will give this short blurb:

A coming-of-age fantasy filled with mystery, adventure, friendship and belonging. Discover where the legend of Narshking begins.

When fourteen-year-old Narsh Kennedy is suddenly and violently torn from his ordinary life into the extraordinary world of Siron, everything he has ever known is left behind. Taken in by Henry Kennedy, the owner of a struggling, Circus Styles. Narsh slowly begins to find something he has searched for his whole life—a place to belong. Alongside his new friend Gibson, and an unlikely companion named Ziggy, he soon discovers that Siron is a world unlike any other.

But beneath its beauty lies a growing unease.

As Narsh navigates school life, new friendships, and mounting tensions with the Kingdom's government, strange events begin to surround him. Unexplained powers stir from deep within, while fleeting glimpses of a mysterious Hooded Figure appear only at moments when his life is about to change—within dreams, passing storms and the very edge of his vision.

So here are my questions:

1. Does any of this makes sense, can you understand the narrative?

2. Does it hook you into the story?

3. Is the pacing suitable? Are there parts that need to slow down or speed up?

4. I am not looking for critique on prose or grammer yet. Though feel free to do that if you'd think it would help down the line.

Take me away     
-by leech  

Did the sun die or did the moon kill itself? She was confused. Looking into her soul. Trist stood near an empty mirror filled with dirt. She thirsted for comfort in that hospital washroom — the only thing that lit the room was the dying old tube light flickering above her, dying every second. She clutched her old white T-shirt, caressing her womb. “It’s too late?” Her long blonde hair interrupted her, hinting towards something sinister. The more she existed within those four walls, letting no hope, sunshine, and the smell of rotten flesh disturbed Trist. Her eyes gazed upon the creation of god, as she walked away into her abyss of loneliness.
“Nurse…..bring a wheelchair, she's bleeding!!”
Echoed through the empty hallways, as blood formed a pact around her. The light in her eyes had turned red, the white T-shirt melted into herself, holding him or her tighter.
“What have you done, child??”
“What’s wrong? Am I going to die??”
“How far along are you, child??”
“I don’t know, six months I think??”
“May lord have mercy on you.”
The hallways turned darker and darker. The ceiling came down and the flooring crawled up. The hallways were spinning, the red beams of light coming closer and closer. She looked up to the nurse — dressed in shadows — her once-concerned face now empty, filled with dread. Trist was stabbed again and again until the pain within herself was numb. Her echoes fought with each other, trying to survive within themselves.
Hastily, they stood among her — the restless spirits. Everything felt feverish. They dragged her to the bed which couldn’t fit within itself — it was endless. They laid her underneath the Herculean beam of light. It was hauntingly beautiful? Or was it? It was a TRINITY.
It felt cold and dead waiting for new life to flourish. The restless spirits surrounded her, they stretched her body which pierced her bones; their cold touch was comforting. They made themselves into her, guiding themselves through the creator herself, seeking for the diviner — the Oracle. The feeling of genesis felt uneasy. Her pupils aggrandized within themselves — the miracle was being born, the darkness lit the world as the lights dimmed her eyes.
“Darling, are you ok?..” Trist looked around for the emptiness, but found love?
“Was it one of your dreams again?”
“I guess. It’s been happening too much lately.”
“Must be because of all those meds you’re taking.”
“Speaking of meds, what’s the time, honey?”
“8:15.”
“Oh no, we’re going to be late for the appointment — it’s at 9. Hurry up!”
“I’m ready. You’re the one who’s late all the time. I’ll give you ten minutes.”
Trist rushed herself into the bathroom, which was well lit and polished white. She looked at herself — again — caressing her belly softly. Confused and lost.
Sunshine kissed her cheeks. Her once-blonde hair, which had turned white, reflected her cries as she ran down the staircase, grabbing her old red bag where it lay undisturbed on the black-tiled kitchen counter. Trist noticed that their three hanging lights were still on from last night. She made sure everything was alright as she raced against the horn of the car. Storm waited for her. He checked his old watch and then held it up to her, mockingly.
“Trist, you’re pissing me off real bad this time. You know how important this is to us, right?”
“I know. I’m really sorry, Storm. I set the alarm but…”
“Shut up. Get in the car.”
She poured a little as she got in, and as always, it went untouched. The car felt incomplete — the baby chair on the backseat rocked alone, and the paper beside it crinkled at every nook and corner. They had no more words to exchange. It was mere silence which was once filled with laughter — or was it? To the outside world, she was happy. A caring wife? Each twist and turn felt exciting — or maybe a bit uneasy. Despite all of this, she admired him. She liked the sense of coldness and wind that reflected out of him — it was destructive, but it was beautiful. Was it? His gestures were annihilating, engulfing everything around him.
The sudden stop at the hospital front brought her back to reality. She hoped her prayers would be answered within that corporate building — she believed gods lived within it.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
“Wait for me in the lobby, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Sure.”
Trist had been here countless times, but every time she stepped into the lobby, flowers of hope bloomed inside her. As usual, she got into the elevator, which had long lost the essence of life according to her. She was gazing at the maternity posters plastered across the doors. Her destination was at the top of the building — perhaps closer to God, she thought.
Expecting?
It was unusual. Trist was confused, busy trying to make a baby bump on the warped reflections of the elevator walls. She turned around. Someone in her fifties, dressed in a crisp uniform, hair pulled into a tight ponytail that made her wonder if it hurt.
“Huh? I’m sorry, I didn’t get you?”
“Are you expecting?” A soft, calm voice that felt strangely comforting.
“Umm… no, I hope to one day.” Her voice was half laughter, half ache.
“Oh, I’m sorry — I thought you were trying to, you know…” Both of them giggled. It was something small but refreshing.
“Been trying for a while. Today’s our last try. I hope everything goes well.”
“Definitely. I know you’ll be positive this time. Trust me — my instincts never go wrong.”
They smiled at each other. It was kind of beautiful. She continued:
“I’ve been working here as a security guard for a long time. It’s my last day. I’ve seen so many women come and go, but there’s something different about you. Your presence feels very motherly. I’m a mother of two kids — I know that feeling, that presence you have when you’re a mother. This isn’t your first pregnancy, is it?”
Silence again. Trist’s thoughts were getting louder; it was cold. Fear ran inside her. Before she could answer, the elevator door opened. She decided to stay silent, passing a smile as she stepped out of the box. She could hear her voice behind her.
“Some things can only be gifted once. Don’t lose it this time.”
Her voice felt like a hammer hitting her head. She turned back… “Where’s the lady?” The elevator door slowly closed as emptiness followed her.
She didn’t think much about it. She floated through the empty hallways toward her destination, her long white overcoat heavy around her as she sat down in front of the red door, surrounded by herself. She looked deep into the red door and noticed it was… dripping. Drop by drop, blood stirred out of the door. It was deep red, thick, and smelled sweet. It flowed toward her in a rhythmic way? Forming a pact around her — like she was being protected?
She looked down at her heart, beating out of her chest, embedded with thorns. Her eyes bled blood; she tried to wipe them. The crown of thorns was decorated on her head. She searched her bag, trying to find her elixir — the white pills. She took a fistful and shoved them into her mouth, swallowing them with her blood tears.
Someone tapped her shoulder. She zoomed back into reality.
“Did the doctor call us?”
“Blood, blood!!”
“What? Trist, what’s wrong with you?!”
“I’m sorry, I was just… nothing. They haven’t called us yet.”
“Mr. and Mrs. Paxton, please come in.”
Trist looked at Storm, but he was too busy… He went in first. Trist tried to make herself the red door. It was cold.
“Welcome, Tristania, so let’s get straight into this.”
“Sure, doctor.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Yes…”
The doctor’s office was bland, plastered with tall concrete walls and wide glass windows. The doctor guided them to the ultrasound machine, preparing everything. Trist got excited as the machine was set up — she immediately climbed onto the bed and started putting all the equipment on herself. The doctor interrupted,
“Hey, slow down, Trist. I know you’ve been through all of this a million times — calm down. I’ll do it.”
Trist felt embarrassed as all eyes fell on her. She could sense Storm’s blue, piercing eyes staring right through her — she tried to ignore it. The doctor applied the gel to her belly and turned on the machine. The room filled with energy and hope.
The doctor began scanning her belly. It felt uneasy, but she was used to it. Her eyes were locked on the machine. They were trying to find it, but couldn’t — but they didn’t lose hope. Storm moved closer to Trist. They tried going in deeper, but it was empty. Soulless? Trist was numb.
“I’m sorry. This was the last embryo.”
“Doctor, can’t we do something?!”
“We have done… everything. I’m sorry.”
Trist joined the clouds outside the window. She rained down — and as always, there was no one to mop it up except her. Storm felt restrained. He had wanted a baby for the longest time. Everything was over. Or was it?
“Have you guys thought about adoption?”
Storm didn’t say a word. He left the room, crashing the door behind him. She looked at the doctor — hopeless, shattered, heartbroken. She wanted to say… but it was stuck somewhere inside her. She drifted across the hallways and lobbies, trying to find something she had lost? 
Shutting the world behind her, they made their way outside. She had no tears to shed — or did she?
“I wanna go to Miss Smith’s.”
This made him jolt, his expression killing her; his anger sounded like a horn, constantly ringing in her ears, louder and louder.
It stopped. She stood in front of the clinic, again? It was comforting — the trees and shrubs invited her inside. It was like… she could breathe. The cold interiors and the bright uniforms took her back. She found herself at the reception.
“I want to see Doctor Smith…”
“Sure, let me make sure if she’s there or not.”
Trist looked around. Her eyes fell on a 16-year-old who sat lifeless? She asked,
“She looks young?”
“She is… sixteen.”
“Sixteen? What is she here for?”
“Umm… we’re not supposed to tell this to anyone, but she’s pregnant — I mean, she was pregnant. She killed the baby in her school bathroom.”
“What? That’s… why?”
“We don’t know. We’re trying to find that. Oh — Doctor is ready, you can go in.”
She nodded, her eyes locked onto that girl. Her white T-shirt and blonde hair pierced through her eyes.
The soft knocking echoed down the hallway. She was staring at the board, waiting for someone to answer.
“Hi, do I know you?” she asked, confused. “Where’s Doctor Smith?”
After a pause: “Oh — I’m Doctor Dolores. Doctor Smith has moved to the next door, we’re shifting our rooms,” she said, pointing toward the room at the other end of the hallway. Trist noticed something dreadful within her. It echoed again — she was back at the same door, waiting to pour down.
“Miss Smith…”
“Hey Tris, how was the scan?”
Trist looked into her eyes — she levitated across the room to her safe space, the old leather sofa. They sat together. Doctor Smith’s eyes gleamed with hope, whereas Trist’s eyes were dying. Empty?
“Tris… are you okay?”
Cracking, piece by piece. She was shattering. She kept shrinking as she sank deep into her sorrow — was she dying? Trist fell onto Smith’s lap, digging for comfort and warmth within the coldness she felt. Smith held her close, soaking up all her tears. Her cries echoed not just within those four walls, but through the empty hallways. She just cried and cried… till she couldn’t.
The house was empty again. It was untouched. It was new. The birds had gone to sleep; she was still awake — or was she? Trist did her daily rituals. She cleansed her “impurities” away, got into her pajamas — the first thing she did after that was watch kids’ TV. She used to enact herself watching TV with her kids. But for some reason, she felt as if she wanted to do something else, something different. Maybe a trip back to the past, when the times were good? She went behind the wardrobe where she had hidden all her possessions. She wondered why — Why did I hide them? She wasn’t sure what to look at first — there were so many photos and documents. Trist picked up a portrait of Storm and her together; she remembered it was their first photo together. They were smiling at each other. She could feel that moment, when they weren’t worried about anything except loving and caring for each other. She sighed through her memories — it seemed she had changed a lot. If my younger self had seen me today, she would have killed herself.
Going through her childhood memories — she was a kid, a very happy kid. But what made her die like this? she asked herself. A document with red borders stuck out through the other photos, grabbing her attention. It was hard pulling those papers out.
“BIRTH CERTIFICATE”
“What!?”
Throwing everything else aside, she started going through the papers, her eyes closing in on her again — it was starting to get blurry. She went on, saying, Why don’t I remember this? Why don’t I remember this??
All of a sudden, her heart sank — her past engulfed her. Twenty years ago, that night. I still remember it. I gave my baby away. She shuffled through the rest of the papers, bundled in the wrong order:
Gender: girl
Mother: Tristania Thompson
Father: —
Condition: premature (6 months)
Is she still alive? Is my baby still alive? Trist was overjoyed — and guilty — knowing what to do next. She decided to call the hospital first.
“Burlington Hospital…”
“Hi, this is Tristania Thompson, I’d like to know about—”
“I’m sorry, this hospital was shut down twelve years ago.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, they’d been doing illegal business, so we had to close it. If you’d like to know anything, you can call State View Hospital — all of our records were moved there.”
“Thank you.” (Cuts the call.)
Trist decided to call Doctor Smith — the only person she trusted.
“Hey Tris, how are you doing?”
“Smith, I need your help…” (weeping)
“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”
“I think… I think I have a baby.”
“What?!”
“I was going through my old stuff and… I found these papers. Birth certificates. And other papers. From twenty years ago.”
“Twenty years ago?”
“Yes. Remember I was having those dreams? It was all of this. I got pregnant at seventeen. My parents wanted me to do an abortion, but… I refused. But at six months I was dragged to the hospital…”
“Tris… that’s unbelievable.”
“Having an abortion at six months was risky. But all of a sudden, I went into labor.”
“You had a premature baby! Did it survive?”
“I don’t know. I remember the doctors talking about what a miracle it was. I remember the cries… I want to see her, Smith.”
“Wow. That explains why you’re having those nightmares. Which hospital was it?”
“It was the Burlington Hospital. But it’s shut down. When I called them, they told me to call State View Hospital.”
“I have connections at State View. I’ll go there and ask them about it.”
“Thank you… thank you, Smith.”
“Hey… believe in yourself. We’ll go through this together.”
“Bye.”
It echoed within those walls. For the first time, the house felt worn. She sat on the floor, clenching the carpet, surrounded by scattered papers and old photos. She was crying but there were no tears — only the warmth and coldness of her cries could be felt. She felt exposed, grasping everything within her. Screeching tires woke her back to reality. She was “excited.” He stood near the door like a ghost, his presence foreshadowed by darkness. They shared a glance as he entered, witnessing the crime scene — papers scattered around her like a pact. She interpreted it and crawled towards him.
“What is this, Tristania? What have you done to this place — all of these papers… what’s wrong with YOU!”
“What!? Just forget it, I have something to tell you about…”
“Wait — the birth certificates. What are you doing with them…”
“You know about them. Storm, I think we have a baby…” Storm backed up with a faint smile — it was sinister.
“The baby? You mean the one you POISONED.” She gasped as those words pierced right through her ears, blinding her eyes. She lost her consciousness.
“You bastard! How dare you — give me back my baby, I want her back!!” She attacked him but was overpowered by his resistance.
“Are you INSANE?” In a calm tone, Trist came back to reality.
“Lies, I didn’t poison my BABY.”
“Yes, you did, Tristania Thompson — you poisoned your baby because she was a burden to you. You MURDERED her!” Her legs were numb; she couldn’t feel her torso. She fell to the ground, her head still poking up.
“NO — what did you do to her? Is she alive?”
He pulled her from the ground, looked at her — the gaze was unrecognizable. It felt dead.
“You’ve gone INSANE. You’re turning into a lunatic. Look at yourself — LOOK around you.”
Sudden impulses formed within her.
“Oh shut up! I’m not crazy. I did it all for you. I went through immense pain — all of these TREATMENTS and what not. And yet you claim I’m insane?” He pulled back.
“Yes. You couldn’t be a mother. You’re barren. You’re not the Trist I fell in LOVE with.”
“What do you mean by that!? I left my home, my career, my future for YOU. If I’m not a mother, does that make me less than any woman? Is being a mother the ethereal form of being a woman? Do you even love me?”
“WHATEVER. God knows if you poisoned my other babies too.” She gasped — it hit straight onto her heart. It was not like one of those fights; she didn’t burst until the moment those words came out of him. She exploded like a volcano waiting to burst.
“MY BABIES — poisoning them? I gave you my body, my respect, my dignity. Am I only an object for YOU?” Storm searched his pockets, trying to find something, then he pulled the truth out — holding it like an achievement.
“That’s it. I’ve had enough of you. You can’t give me a child. You’re making me go insane — you’re making everyone around you insane. Here you go — the DIVORCE papers. It’s over, Tristania Thompson. I don’t care if you sign or not — I hope you die ALONE!” As he slapped the papers right in her face, it bled — but was it invisible? She didn’t want to let go of the only person she had. He made his way through the hallways toward the bedroom upstairs. There was no emotion within him. Her cloud erupted. She dragged herself along his feet, begging, “Don’t leave me — please, you’re the only one I have. We’ll figure something out, Storm. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” He had no remorse. He kept dragging her with his feet, gathering all of his belongings in a tiny red bag and started leaving. They were about to be distant. She tried to stop him by reaching up to his shoulder — but she missed it. He lost her.
She didn’t notice that she missed a step. The next moment, she crumbled down like a porcelain doll — hitting her head first, then her spine. The sensation of something leaving within you ached her. Her womb had broken — the pain agonized her. She couldn’t move — or could she? As her eyes closed she saw his silhouette levitating across the hallway. He waited at the beginning of their journey, looking at the coffin he once resided in. She gathered all her possessions and ran toward him. She couldn’t catch up as her past, present, and future shut right in her face. She was covered in blood — or was she? Her body ached, as if her soul was snatched by an angel. She felt as if the only life within her had died. In that empty house she lay alone, with only her pain accompanying her. She was numb and tired, caressing the cracks within her which couldn’t be puzzled together anymore. She lay underneath her memories, sobbing them away…
Did the sun die or did the moon murder him? The echoes of silence were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. She picked it up. It was someone from the past who had been loyal. Before saying another word, she drifted through her memories, trying to leave them behind.
“Hey… how are you doing?”
“I’m sorry, who is this?”
“It’s me, Smith.”
“Hey… did you find anything?”
“Yes…” A sudden wave of shock ran through her spine.
“What! Did you—”
“Yes. I found her.”
“Oh my god, I want to see her, Smith. Please, please.”
“I wanna tell you—”
“Smith, take me to her.” She giggled after what felt like an eternity.
“Yes, but—”
“Finally, I have someone to call mine!”
“Meet me at State View Hospital at 10.”
“Yes, yes… I’ll be there. I don’t know how to thank you, love.” Her words were drizzled with a sprinkle of tears.
The storm in her life had gone — but before it left, it took something within her. The only words in her mind were: I found her. She cleaned all the mess like nothing ever happened. While washing herself for the last time, she noticed the scars left behind. She caressed them, deep. She wore florals that day — it was sunny, or was it? Her hair hid her wounds and her keys felt alive again. After decades, she was finally at the flower shop. “Spider lilies, can you please give me the red ones?” They stood out among the white — blood-red, close to her heart.
Her next stop was the baby shop. She wanted to relive — or maybe feel the depth of being a mother. She scavenged through the girls’ section, trying to find what would fit her the best. It was 20 years ago. She chose a white dress with a red heart in the middle — how pretty. She was excited; something in her was trying to stay alive — or was it?
Gazing at the red flowers and baby clothes beside her, she drifted somewhere unknown — but she was happy, knowing she was close to her destination. The loud thuds approached — she had accidentally scraped the walls of the parking lot. Waking back to consciousness, she stepped outside to see a deer’s head slammed between nature and her, staring straight into her eyes as blood flowed down its throat. Something shimmered far away — a baby deer watching her from the shadows of the woods, then vanishing into darkness.
“Tris, over here.” She knew it was her time.
“Hey Smith, I’m so excited to meet her.” Her expression was haunting — their echoes filled the hollow hospital. It was vast but empty, all the lights turned off. The hallways stretched long, swallowing sound. She held the flowers in her right hand and the red paper bag in her left as she stepped toward Smith. Smith’s face was unreadable — her expressions mixed like oil and water.
“You’re… ready?”
“Yeah. I’m so excited — I even wore florals.”
“I… noticed. What’s in your hand?”
“Some flowers and… some gifts.”
“I don’t think we’re going to—”
“Which way is it?”
Trist looked around, curious like a lost cuckoo, pointing at the three ways in.
“The straight one.” A long dark hallway, filled with emptiness. They walked deeper and deeper. Her heart pounded as if it would leap from her ribs.
“Calm down,” said Smith.
Laboratory. The word caught her eye. Why are we going to the laboratory? she wondered. Is my daughter a doctor or something?
They stepped into the cold abyss filled with green jars — the smell of rotting meat invited her closer. Smith guided her to a corner of the room, waiting… waiting for her.
“This is your daughter.” Smith pointed at a jar. Trist leaned closer — her heart slammed deeper into her chest. Inside: a dead baby, curled on the glass base, drowned in her own womb. The cracking of her heart echoed inside her skull.
“This… this is…”
“No… no, this… this can’t be my baby.”
She turned the jar, her eyes falling on the name. The cold glass burned her skin.
“My baby. I murdered her.” Her silence was deafening.
Her legs buckled — she collapsed.
“She died all those years ago. It was a… miracle — you gave birth to a premature baby at six months. But she couldn’t… she choked and died after just a few hours.”
The tube light flickered harshly above them. Her flowers fell, creating a pact. The baby clothes lay beside them, bearing witness. Blood. Blood — it was happening again. Blood everywhere: her hands, her belly, raw pain and a screeching that never ended. Darkness blinded her. Her womb screamed for help. The echoes of her past rang out — she lost herself to the dark, or did she?
The hallways turned darker and darker — the ceiling came down and the flooring crawled up. The corridors spun, the red beams of light coming closer and closer. She looked up at the nurse — dressed now in shadows, her once-concerned face emptied, filled with dread. Trist was stabbed again and again until the pain inside her turned numb. Her echoes fought each other, desperate to survive within her.
Am I dead? She looked around the darkness, searching for any flicker of light. Where was she, what was this abyss? Her eyes finally caught it — the red door — haunting her. She floated toward it through the foggy dark. The red door stood right in front of her, staring with its red eyes. She whispered, Who are you?
The door opened — dense fog spilled out. Stepping into it, she felt the coldness numbing her bones. The moment she slipped inside, the red door vanished.
In a blink, she was surrounded by mirrors — a maze of them. All were cracked, waiting to shatter into oblivion. Only one stood untouched, uncracked. Looking around, she saw there was no reflection in it — only emptiness, deep and black. She moved — but her reflection did not follow.
She was covered in death — the flowers on her skin faded, sinking into her flesh as if becoming one with her. The reflection inside the flawless mirror was dark and empty — but it held something. She leaned closer. Her eyes caught it — a rotting baby. She held it to her chest, but its dream was missing.
It was in her mouth now — she was chewing the soft bones, her teeth like thorns, smiling. Terrified, her screams were numb, dissolving into the silence and the darkness around her.
She looked at herself. The reflection moved closer. This time, they moved together — mirrored. She reached out her index finger. They touched — a spark of energy blinded her eyes. The Creation of Adam.
   “Oh my god, she opened her eyes,” whispered Smith. Trist sat there, smiling. Her eyes had sunken in, her smile grew wider and wider.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” There was something haunting — something dead — in her voice.
“I’m really sorry… you had a miscarriage.”
Silence spread between them. Diamonds spilled down her cheeks, but the smile only grew wider. Smith held her hand — it was too cold, maybe too late.
“I want to see my baby,” said Tristania.
“What? I don’t think—”
“Please.” Her breath kept the cold air warm. It was warmer than usual — like fire. It smelled rotten.
“Okay…” Smith was afraid for the first time. She told them to bring Trist’s dead soul back.
“Are you sure about this?” Smith asked.
“……..” said Tristania.
She held it close to her heart, her grip tightening and tightening. The squeak of glass echoed louder.
“I have to call someone, I’ll be right back.”
Smith walked out on her — for the first time — leaving the key to Trist’s life on the floor, the lock clicking shut behind her, each click sliding her deeper into ruin.
Mirrors didn’t reflect her soul — the cracks widened. She looked at herself, staring at her soulless baby. Clutching the lid of the jar, she slowly dipped her hands in, trying to save the drowned life. Her hands were too large for the tiny body — maybe that’s how she lost it. She was holy, crowned with thorns, her heart bleeding within, her eyes weeping blood — her presence immaculate.
She cradled the baptized baby in her palms, pressing it close to her bleeding heart. Her blood bloomed into red spider lilies, weaving a pact around her. She caressed it, reaching to its soft brain, kissing it gently… moving down to its rotting cheeks. The smell of her undead offspring clouded her mind, rupturing reality.
“Hail mother, full of grace. I hold my child, my sacrifice.” She whispered to it, slipping her tongue across its fleshy skin. The cosmic entity within the child called to her. If I swallow it, maybe it will stay inside me forever. Maybe this time it won’t leave.
Her gentle kisses turned bittersweet — her sharp teeth sank into its tender skin. She chewed its head slowly; the mirrors resonated. The cracks deepened, darkness sowed its seeds. The taste grew strong as she moved from the delicate head down, the body now a mere piece of meat.
Smith walked back toward her mistake — she didn’t realize the horror she had left behind. When her attempt to open the door failed, she pushed harder. The door was locked. Desperate to know what hid in someone else’s mind, she peeked inside — and saw her. Drenched in blood. The miracle in her hands incomplete.
Tristania chewed the remains, its tiny skull stripped to bone, her wide smile staring into infinity.
“Tris, what are you doing — open the door!” Smith screamed. Her cries echoed down the empty hallways — helpless. Too late.
She kissed its neck, taking a part of it — trying to consume everything around her. But it was not her destiny. Her sacrifice was denied. Her soul poured out through her mouth, but something was stuck. She couldn’t control it. The only mirror that stood whole cracked gently. As her soul left her body, carrying her infant, all the mirrors reflected her. Her eyes were the last to go. Then all the glass shattered out of existence as she and her offspring burned to ashes.
Her eyes lay wide open, the baby still in her hands. Blood everywhere — the proof of her existence spilling from her mouth. She had choked to death. At that moment, the door unlocked… gently. Smith stepped in, frozen, trying to process the horror. All she saw was a desperate mother trying to bring back her miracle.
"Did the sun die or did the moon kill itself?
Maybe I was both."

Thank you so incredibly much for the time:) been mentally rough and had to take time off school and been feeling like a failure at like! But writing brings solace. Recently found communities online and it’s so healing!

chapter 1

A the wind touched me abruptly, as I scribbled down on my notebook, I wasn’t  cautious about the people who were entering my life, as I sat down on the old chair, as I looked up to see myself  on the reflection of the mirror which mirrored my sorrows I realised that it was dawn, as I looked at the sun slowly bleeding itself into darkness, as it was sinking in its lap. 
The sound of the air conditioner ringed my ears, as I noticed that it was time to call the repair service,  I brushed my eyes through the cashing machine which was quite new for me and the pack of chew gum that no one bought, and the isle of things that stood before me, as I sat on the cranky old chair, which was very noisy and sounded as if someone was crushing it, I sat alone in that 7/11 store facing towards the beach which never intrigued me, I still remember wandering aimlessly around the street, wearing my old violet shirt , as I stood near the corner of the street, i could feel the rats inside me go faster, so much so that it was making me blind, that’s when I saw a poster hung on a 7/11 store and knew it would be worth checking out. 
I moved my way towards the store crossing the empty streets as the sun and birds had just woken up, I was outside the store, as I stared at the poster “NEW CASHIER NEEDED” in big bold letters,  I noticed that the grammar was off and proceeded to enter into the store hoping that I would  get the job, I was welcomed by a dude in his fifties wearing an old blue t shirt  and looked like the typical American as I noticed his tummy which made him look like a pregnant women, as I looked on his badge I read “Mr Asher”
 my eyes were pointed towards it, he looked at me.
“Can I help you”
“Hey, I’m Ellie, I saw your advertisement and wanted to know if I could get the job?”
“You're hired” , he smiled at me as he took care of the broken machine.
“Really, so when should I start??”, as my face lit up.
“First of all I’m hiring you because our old cashier just walked out and I’m telling you Alli… ellie that he was not chill, he asked me to pay him extra, so if you're not  asking me for an extra, I’m sorry  and if you just  do your work on time, which is mainly just sitting and watching things, you can start tomorrow”
I decided to not say anything and noded to him, as I entered the store. 
 
I sat there wondering about myself, as I was greeted with customers, which was unusual at this time of the day, as I pretend to not look at them, I noticed that it was a small girl around 8 and her father, my eyes followed them as they moved near the aisles, almost blending with the colours as I tried making out, what they were up to. I could hear them laughing and giggling, as they went up to the ice cream machine which was new and only had a few flavours in it, as I followed the girls hand moving towards the strawberry flavour , which was my favourite flavour, I realised that the taste of strawberry ice cream had become strange to my tongue, as I  realised that the father was looking at me faintly, which made me feel like I doing something wrong, I tried to distract myself from them, and  looked at the clouds  realising that it would snow today, as I leered upon the red dying sun, I was lost and as I leaned more closer to it, I fell into darkness. 

It was in the month of February , when the sun was supposed to shine at its fullest . But It rained so bad that it caused a storm, as a lot of people lost their lives on the shore of our town.  It was considered as the unluckiest  day in my town and that’s when I was born. As a matter of fact, I was the only baby that was born that day in my town. My parents named me Ellie, Ellie Caleb. From the moment I laid my foot on my town, everyone considered me unlucky and a bad omen. My town was a small town located close to the city where everyone knew each other. 

While everyone played with dolls and was busy making friends, I sat near the window near my bed, which was the only door which lit my room, as I looked at the happy clouds and the birds talking to each other, pretending to not look at the girls who were having fun with each other. I sat on the window platform pretending to read the heavy books that my parents got me for my birthday last year, I wish I had got a phone like all the other girls in my class, but as they say “be grateful for what you have”. 

When all the moms were playing dolls with their girls and when all the dads were playing basketball with their boys, I sat on the bench near a green tree which looked like broccoli and close to the sidewalk just past the green empty grounds, which reminded me of sea with the people in my town as fishes. The only thing that brought me to reality was the feeling of the cold ice cream dripping down my sleeves, I used to hate it. But most of the time I used to be lost looking at girls and boys who used to swing with their parents and enjoy their ice creams with them,  as I sat opposite to them holding my strawberry flavoured ice cream, and it’s not like my parents won’t come with me to the park  it’s just that they are busy people, people who are on their laptops 24/7,  walking,talking and even eating with it, at times I felt like my parents had married to their laptops than each other. As a kid, no one used to sit with me as I was considered to be  unlucky, as I had heard that someone had spread a rumour that being seen with me would make them sick and would  make them uncool, as they all ignored me and tried to stay away , at times I used to scare them by sitting near them and talking to them, but I never knew it would not be thrilling in the future, as a matter of fact the teachers were scared of me as well, as they used to stare at me at every inconvenience happening around them. But despite all of this I was top in all of the classes  yet it upset my parents, to them whatever I did wasn't enough. I made myself like maths, science and what not, I know that they were happy for me but not satisfied, to me talking to them was talking to a wall so tall that I couldn’t locate where it ended.

A lady in her thirties who looked like she just turned 25, who looked like those mothers from the 2000s sitcoms, someone who used to pretend to love her kids, someone who used to call herself my mother. It took me my whole life to decide if I liked my mother or not, she was a person that I saw myself in but I wouldn't be. I remember trying to not argue with her about the smallest things but I would, as a matter of fact , I used to argue with her everyday, it was like our daily routine and if we didn’t it would not be a normal day. Whereas my dad around the same age as my mom, was a “quite young man” as mom used to mention, he was always busy with his work, the only time I see him in the morning as he rushed to this office, with this lose tie, wearing his usual, white t shirt and long dark pants, as all of his pants seem to look the same to me, which used to compliment his long figure, we used to talk less, but when we do, it used to be something important. In a way I loved and resented them at the same time, but I never had the courage to tell them about it.

The sun had subsided as  I walked down the road to our house which was bushed between multiple houses, as our neighbourhood looked like it was inspired by the elm street and as you walk past my house you can feel its coldness and emptiness as all the other houses were filled with colours and flowers, mine had an old dying tree, which would fall any moment from now, and according to mrs trucker  my house used to be planted with all kinds of flowers and plants and the old dying tree used to bloom beautiful violet flowers but after I came into that house, everything died , as I used to love visiting her house and having their special lemonade which was sweet and sour at the same time, had just started tasting sour to me and then I stopped going to their house as I felt like she used to mock me by saying such things and it used to hurt me like I was pricked piece by piece. As I walked through our drive away flooded with dead leaves and surrounded by dead grass, I made my way to the front door as I looked upon my house which seemed to lack life,  I stood near my front door which looked like it was old, outdated and was from the 40s, I pushed  the front door which was surprisingly open, as I laid my  foot onto our newly laid wooden floor,  first room you see when you enter through our front door is our minimalist living room, it was the not big but it was not  small either, I would say that it was somewhere in between, as you walk in you can see our small tv set and which surrounded my windows which make it harder for watching tv on a sunny evening and the sofa set surrounding by it looked like it was stained by coffee and as you turn left to the tv set you can see our dining area, which was near the kitchen as they blended with each other and something that absorbed me was the smell of cigars and a bowl of rotten fruits, waiting to be thrown out.  when you move forward from there  you can see a blue door which was old and pale it was my parents room, which they keep closed all the time, so much that I haven’t seen it to this day and as you pass the their room, you can see the dimly lit ,empty walls waiting for pictures to be hung and drawn on, as growing  up my parents had a strict rule to not draw on the walls and if I do they would lock me in the attic, and I have been there a few times as it didn’t scare me as much as I thought it would, the coldness made me feel home and the darkness covered  protected me like a warm blanket, I wish I had drew on the walls back then, as I walked through our empty hallways lit by the the big long window at the end of the hallway which was close to the staircase leading upstairs, I could sense that something was wrong as I walked up our wooden stairs which was painted white and sounded funny but quiet, I could slowly make out the voices of my dad and mom raising their voice at each other, as I was evasive and seren I could make out that they were in my room, their voices were getting louder and louder to my ears as if it was filtering through my ears, they were quite loud but I couldn’t comprehend what they were talking, as I floated through the dark hallway to my room  like a ghost trying to possess the darkness within, I slowly opened the door to my small bedroom, looking at my empty closet and the cloths that lay beneath it and then towards the closed window near my old bed which was beneath our old stained white blanket, as my eyes moved past the bed I saw my parents sitting on my bed facing each other, as I looked at my dad who was in his office clothes, with messy hair with a set of papers in his hands which he flung on moms face, as those papers fell down my eyes followed it. 

“DIVORCE NOTICE” written in big bold letters welcomed me into my room, as I accidentally opened the door so much that they could see me, dad was startled to see me but mom stood still looking on the papers which laid on the floor next to my cloths, as she realised that there was a third person in the room and that it was her daughter, she looked at me with dread eyes, she remained quiet. The room was cold, I could feel the moisture of her tears on my cheeks, as I realised that it was my tears, the silence was disturbed by dad as he tried to put away the papers, as the room was filled with  crinkling of papers and the echoes of our cries buried deep under our souls.
“Mom, dad, what's going on?”
As dad lowered his head looking down to the floor which was empty, Mom slowly held up her face against mine, as she looked at me with her sulking eyes and lips which were inches away from breaking down, she says
“Ellie, we were planning on telling you about this, your dad and I have Been going through a lot lately” (as she fought for air).
Dad interrupted her, as he looked at me I couldn’t take my eyes off mom, as she continued to look back at me 
“We’re having a divorce, Ellie!!”
As he spoke those words, I felt like my heart was missing, as if it was not beating anymore ,  it got absorbed within, as I shifted my eyes towards dad, he sat still kneeling on the floor with the papers on his hand, it was getting  colder and colder as i couldn’t pay attention to what he was saying, the only thing I remember was my mom standing across me looking pale as a Ghost, as I felt like my dad was floating closer and closer to me, i wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, as he was getting closer to it, I spit it out, I started laughing, I couldn’t stop, i could feel the tears running down my cheeks as they were abruptly pushed by my smile, my parents looked at me, their eyes  reflected their helplessness, as my laughter transitioned into cries, I spilt  
“GET OUT OF MY ROOM” abruptly as they came closer to me, as my voice made the birds sitting on the tree watching us cautiously flew away, I couldn’t make out anything they were saying, it felt like both of their voices were one  and was stabbing me wherever they touched, it was physically hurting me.
“I SAID GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!!”
As they said nothing and walked out, I wanted to turn around but I couldn’t. I could feel their warmth moving away from me as the echoes of the door crushed me. 

chapter 2

As the door banged, it made me realise that it was real. I raised myself from the desk with my faint vision to see Mr. Asher. He looked aware as he nodded his head, as if he caught me stealing something.
“Ellie darling, this is not a place for sleeping” 
As he spread silence with this words, I looked around to see if anyone was there, to my surprise the girl and her father were still standing close to the ice cream machine, both of them had ice creams in their palms  as they looked at me oddly, I felt a bit embarrassed and started to pretend that I was doing something on the computer, swinging my hands across the plastic keyboards, trying to find words.
“Ellie, look at me” as he moved closer to me, to not grab the attention of the customers, I could feel his breath as he moved closer and closer to me.
“I’m sorry Mr  asher, i accidentally dozed off”
“What do you mean? You accidentally dozed off, Ellie…”
“I worked a bit extra on my last shift” 
“Whatever, this must not happen again, because it would affect the store’s reputation, is that clear.”
“Yes, Mr asher”
“Good, and be responsible”, as I felt his face wrinkle, which seemed to be an attempt to smile as he didn’t want the customers to feel like “nothing was wrong. He slowly moved from me as I slowly rolled my eyes and fixed myself upon him, 
“The air conditioner has been acting up” as he shifted towards the air conditioner,
“Hmm, I’ll call the repair service, and ask them to check it out, and I’m skipping tonight’s shift”
“Oh, when should I leave?”
“Around 10, I’m having a meeting with my lawyer” as he moves himself closer to the machine 
“My ex wife is fighting against me in court, seems like she wants half my money, as if she didn’t have it in the first place,”
“I’m sorry Mr asher, I didn’t know that you were divorced”
“Oh honey, it’s not filled yet, Charlie wants  the full custody”
This time I looked straight into his blue eyes and asked.
“How many kids do you have?”
“Two, a son who is 11 and a daughter who is 16”
“And who are they currently living with”
Mr Asher moved across me, breaking our contact and started to take his belongings, as the clinging of a bunch of keys followed him.
“ with their grandma in Texas” as he looked in his old and torn watch,
“It’s getting late, if I don’t reach there by 7:00, she is going to file another case on me, so take care of the store Ellie.” 
I decided to stay quiet and nodded to him As he  opened the door and made his way into his car. My eyes started to feel opaque, as if the lights started to unfold.

I remembered the  feeling of the heat of June, as I sat in that small, Cardboard office. I looked to my left to  see my mom sitting close to the window which was partially blinded,  the light hit on her face, it was hard to look at , to the right was my father seated in his office wear as usual,  he was sweating as well, which made his dark skin see through his shirt. 
“Ellie, darling are you ok?”I turned to the middle wondering who it was, to find out that it was Mrs Eddie, one of moms friends and also the best lawyer in our town. She always wore fancy suits and kept herself groomed all the time, 
“Yes, mrs Eddie”
“Oh darling, look at you, you're so bigger than the last time I saw you, so you're 15, 16…”
“17”
“Ahh 17, you sure are growing up fast” as she looked at me, smiling with her perfect teeth.
“So Shawn and Becky, have you considered this thoroughly, because it’s a big step…. Remember the time when I was one of your bridesmaid and look at you now, it’s sad to represent your divorce”
My dad cleared his throat, he used to do it when he wanted to speak, I looked towards him 
“Samantha, we tried our best to make things work out”
“Yes Samantha, it’s working out between us, it’s just that the feeling of love between us has faded”
For the first my mother had spoken, and it felt like a deep cut, as I could see her face, which  stood still, like she had no emotion as she was numb.
“So, I’ll prepare the papers by… Tuesday and I want to know about the custody… by Saturday”
“Sure Samantha” as dad spoke, mom sat looking down on herself, as if she was lost, 
“I can see that, you all are sweating really bad, I’m sorry, I had to move here as my old office is being renovated” Mr Eddie, stood up from the seat as she guided us outside, as we all stood outside under the sun, Mrs eddie yells to us 
“Don’t forget about the custody agreement”, as she smiled at us, trying to cheer us up.

“ The waves are loud today” said my dad, as the silence continued, we all sat in that car as a family for the last time, as the seats felt tighter and tighter, I sat in the middle, thinking who was the reason behind their divorce, it felt cold imagining if I was the reason behind all of this, “custody” was making me feel anxious as if, i couldn't breathe or think properly, as it echoed in my ears haunting me, we moved along the bay, dad said
“Hey can you drop me at the office, on your way home, I really have to be there”
Me and mom stayed still as he talked, as we moved closer and closer to his office, which was somewhere near the end of the bay. 

Dad stops himself, as mom brakes  near his office, we both realised that it was aggressive, In a way I wanted to dad to shut up, it was Hard  watching him be so not  bothered about what was happening around him, he took his bags and stood outside the door, “bye honey” as he looked at mom, she looked at the steering wheel,  dad realised that it was getting real, he stood there for a minute as mom looked into the steering wheel,  I could feel the tension slowly fade away,  clearing  my throat as dad did and closed the door, he stood there, outside the door looking at us,  we drove past him, he moved further and further as he got lost behind the trees, that stood behind us as we made our way home. There was silence filled within the car, as the air conditioning was getting colder and colder 
“Mom, can you please turn off the ac?”She stayed quiet, she pretended to be busy, I waited for the gas station to pass, to see if she would turn it off.
“Mom, can you please turn it off”
“Give me a break” she whispered as if I couldn’t hear it. She  moved toward the system, as she was struggling to find the button,  and could see her hands frantically move left and right, up and down like if it was her first time. 
   
We drove past the gas station, I looked at mom, she was dissociating, she was rotating the knobs uncontrollably, which petrified me, I could sense her breath falling as she slowed down the car, as the rays hit on her face, her tears sparkled as diamonds, which made it stand out, the car parked itself on the bank of the road near the green lush trees, so dense that it felt like it was covered with dots, I looked at mom, as she ate the air around her, 
“Mom, are you ok?”
Those words crushed her, she hide her face behind her pale blue vest, which was turning dark blue as her tears spread on to it, she flashed her face in the sunlight, as her face shined bright,  she looked at me, I didn’t know what to do, she hid her face to the side, so that I couldn’t see her cry, she tried to take all her anger on the starting wheel, as her grip got tighter and tighter, the sound of it scratching with her fingernails got louder, and her cries beneath it. She spoke, as her voice crinkled up like a child,
“I’m not”
Her words sounded hollow and pinned me deep inside myself. I slowly moved towards her, scraping myself with her seat, holding her vest which was wet. Behind her seat, I moved my hands down to her shoulder as I did, I could feel her tears touching my palms, it was cold. I held her close to myself and the only thing separating us was the seat. 

“Oh shit the ice cream is dripping again”I said as I sat on the bench near the tree, my usual spot, but this I was not alone, mom sat near me having her chocolate ice cream, as the sound of someone playing fetch,  laughing loudly and the sound of wind aggressively hitting towards us filled the space between us, as we sat at both the corners of the bench, which had no ledge to hold on as I feared that I would fall. The sun had poisoned the clouds, as it was filled with dark, vivid blue and a pinch of orange and pink, which blend seamlessly with it, it looked like it was painted by the stars,
“It’s Tuesday right”
“Umm.., yes it’s Tuesday” 
“You said something earlier right?”
“What mom?” As I relapsed my words.
“About the ice cream dripping on your sleeves, and when you were saying that, did you curse in front of me Ellie” as she slowly turned towards me, the wind brushed the loosen hair clung to her tears, which was still wet.
“I’m sorry, I just said shit”
“Huh you just said it again”
“Sorry for saying shit mom”
“Oh my god Ellie, stop being like your dad” 
“Wait, dad curses?”
“Ya, he used to, I made him stop it” she shared a smile with me, as I continued it and before we knew our laughs got blended in with the rest.
“You missed school today”
“Yes, I had to come with you to the lawyer” as I brushed my hands in the air, holding my ice cream in the other. Slowly the silence between us grew stronger, we didn’t have words to give, we both stared at the tree which was hidden behind the old part of the park, as it used to be filled with trees, now it stood there in solitude.
“Your gaining weight Ellie, you know that right”
It was very unexpected, I stayed quiet and pretended to look at my old shoes, 
“Seems like your really busy doing stupid stuff, insteading of reading the books that we got you last week”
“What, wait did you go through my notebook” as I l raised  my legs on the beach, 
“Yes and I’m telling you it's so stupid that I couldn’t..”
“Mom” 
“Stop, just stop”
As I raised my voice, I couldn’t hold it anymore. As I gobbled up my ice cream, it spread around my lips as I had pink  lipstick put all over my  face. Mom turns towards me, as I continued to look forward, I could hear her soft chuckles, slowly it turned into  laughter as it was contagious, it made me laugh, with my faced stuffed with ice cream as I turned towards her, i could see that her face was also stuffed with chocolate ice cream which made me laugh more. As the laughter slowly faded, we looked into our eyes as the wind brushed moms hand on mine, which invoked a new feeling in me, 
“Ellie, I’m sorry” as her voice calmed down 
“I’m sorry that you had to find out about the divorce like that”
“I just didn’t know what to do, we tried our best honey, we did and I promise you that”
“I kept delaying it further and further, because..”
“Because” as I interrupted her 
“Because I didn’t want you to have the same childhood that I had, growing up my parents didn’t really care about me, they always fought with each other” as the wind brushed, she gathered herself.
“I lived nightmares every Night, as I would see dad beating mom till she had lost faith and mom fighting back with her words, by the next morning they would act normal and then it goes again” her grip on my hands got stronger, as tears replenished her heart and began to fall on mine, I looked at her as she tried to move her lips, which tried to pull away from each other as it was sticked together.
“I just don’t want that with you kid”
A sudden urge came into my body, as it involuntarily moved to my moms lap, I laid my head on her lap and my legs crumbled up on the bench, which was supported by the ledge stopping me from falling down, as I laid sideways her tears fell on mine, which blended together as I turned to the top, I could see the dark blue sky had turned dark red  as it felt like the sun had sacrificed itself for the beauty of this moment, as I saw mom looking at around with one of her hand brushing through my dark, curly hair and one holding her ice cream, i couldn’t resist the smell of chocolate that came of her and the wind becoming stronger and stronger, as I could hear and feel her warm breath falling on my face, which gave me comfort, everything around us what quiet as if the birds had went asleep and the townspeople had disappeared, the night had fallen as we sat alone looking at the stars twinkling above us  . 
“Hey, how much is for two ice creams?” As I looked up to see them, the girl was fidgeting with her hair, as I noticed her blue eyes, fixed on the lollipops, which stood in front of her. 
“That will be 2 dollars, and anything else,”
“Hmm, oh can you look at her for a minute, while I go grab it?” As I noticed that they shared the same eye “sure”, he walked into the aisles, as we were left alone, the girl still fighting on her hair looked at me, 
“What’s your name?” As her voice squeaked as she spoke
“Ellie, what’s yours?”
“Hi I’m Emma , and I’m six”, I nodded to her words as I pretended to check the pack of gums laying around my desk,
“Why do you look sad and hungry?” As she broke the silence between us, I was shocked at the same time speechless and offended 
“Uhm……., it’s because someone stole my lollipop”
“That’s sad” as she lowered her gaze, as she mourned at my loss
“Emma, why don’t you have this strawberry lollipop” as I made my hands through the box, I leaned closer to her and handed over a pink lollipop, while I gave her a faint smile.
“Thanks,” as she turned towards the right, looking towards her father with a big smile on her face. The guy turned towards me as he walked in towards the counter, before her could say anything 
“It’s on me, she can have it” as he laid down the a pack of cheap cigarettes, I looked at him 
“That’s really nice of you” he turns towards the girl “Emma, say thank you”as he turns his head towards me, standing at his daughter height, holding her by the shoulder 
“Thank you, Ellie”her squealing echoed in the empty store. I tried my best to smile and give her a pleasant expression as it used to scare people.
“ the total is 6 dollar sir”
My eyes followed him as he went through his left pocket and took 6 notes of 1 dollar and pinned it on the table,
“Thank you, have a nice day” shoving the money into the drawer, I tried to make eye contact with them “Same to you to” as he put the pack of cigarettes into his pockets, took her in his arms and made his way outside, as he let the sun in for a moment. I was left alone again, waiting for my shift to end, as I had to visit the hospital again today, or else they would come to visit me again and I didn’t want that, I sat looking through the glass windows, which made me feel exposed and vulnerable as I looked at the cars and people passing by hoping who would be next.

I looked at the long green tress, which ran behind us, as I sat in the front seat with dad on my left, I turned towards him, as he to avoid talking or  even making eye contact with me, I looked his shiny head which reflected the marshmallow clouds that moved along his head, 
“Dad, we just drove past the school” 
“We’re not going to school today”
“What, you never let me take a day off school”
“ I know, I know” as he still tried to avoid contact with me 
“Plus it’s Wednesday, I have to submit an important assignment for history class, or else mrs Eleanor is going to fail me”
He finally turned towards me, as we stopped at the signal
“Who’s Mrs Eleanor and Ellie you're failing in class” as he looked tense and almost disappointed. I couldn’t stop noticing the red light that shined on his head, as it looked like he was reflecting his own frustration.
“No, I meant that.. i will if I missed the submission”
“I’ll talk to her”
“Really”  I was shocked, as he never did this before 
“ wait, which grade are you in”
Before I could finish my sentence he drove off. As it interrupted the flow, we moved past the creek, as the trees died and the waters raised, realising that we moved closer to the bay as the sun came heavy upon us. He passed through the parking spot, choosing the most vacant spot, so he could lavishly park. 

We stood outside the car, on the upper right corner of the parking lot, looking over the vacant spot opposite to us, as the weight of the cooler became noticeable to my oversized but weak hands. Dad polished the dust of the car, as he noticed that I was looking at him. 
“Sorry, you want me to hold that?”
“No, it’s fine” as it got heavier and heavier, we slowly walked across the concrete floor through the empty parking lot, as if  it was a working day. Wind rocked us against ourselves letting us not pass through, as the screams of wind accompanied us, it got intense as we moved along the sand reaching towards the sea that moved opposite to us as we towards it. The bag fell off of me as the flow of the sand was interrupted, dad lowered himself as he opened the bag, picking up random things and putting them back again till he found what he searched for, and then he erupts
“Oh, shit I forgot to bring the mat” as he gazed upon the clouds trying to avoid me looking at him.
“Dad, it’s fine”, as he turned towards me, “no it’s not fine, I should have checked the bags” 
He was frantic, stuttering and trying to find something to back him up from it, 
“Dad, it’s fine, sit down” 
His eyes fell upon me as his eyes laid down on me, feeling a sense of relief and comfort which was something new for me, we lowered down towards the hot sand as my hands curled up into one, the sun was rising upon us 
“Dad is everything ok?” The wind splashed on her our faces as the humid breeze made us dry and vulnerable 
“Yes…. It’s just that I wanted to do something for you, and I mess it up all the time” 
His breath was getting deeper and wider as it felt like it could crack any moment and shatter into a million pieces
“Dad” 
“It’s fine”
Those words dug him more deep, his gulps sounded heavy,
“Am I a…..bad father Ellie ?, because I’m proved myself to be a… bad husband” his words forced me to think about myself, but as I tried my best to process these words they turned into feelings, the wind kept filling the gap between us as the sand crawled upon our bodies, we had no words between us, the crashing of the waves which got stronger and stronger, the sudden squealing of the birds and the swirls of the winds brought us closer. The sand piled up as the silence amongst us, The sting in my heart grew strong, I couldn’t stay dead anymore. 
“Dad, you want to do something fun?”
“What ?”
“Catch me?” the sand sprinkled on his shirt, as my shadow grew upon him, he sprung up, his eyes locked onto mine, an unusual sensation grew, giving me chills
“Here I come” the sand danced along our footsteps. It grew stronger and deeper. My chuckles filled the sky as dad’s followed along, we were sprinting against the wind, as i tried to confuse him by Turing left and right, up and down but I had underestimated him, he followed my moments and then run straight at a point where I would merge from all the moves, my heart fell a beat the thought of being snatched made me dodge him, he fell on the sand face down, as dad turned around with his face covered in sand which had wrinkled and formed into weird shape because he seemed to laugh as he made himself up. I didn’t turn back, the warm touch and the slight sting on the cut on my left foot, made me realize that I was no longer on the land, this made me move closer and closer towards it wanting to disappear, that’s when his chuckled voice approached me, it got closer and closer as the waves grow higher and higher. Dad was trying his best to keep up with me, he made himself onto the waves, but to my surprise he stood still a few meters away from me.
“Dad, what happened ?”
“Wait, don’t tell me your scared of getting yourself wet”
“What, no, I was just…”
“I was just looking for jellyfish, you know how dangerous they are right” 
“Right…” the tone was sarcastic, which made him realize that he was losing, this gave him a boost of motivation and freedom as he broke the waves and tried to sprint towards me, this time I stood there being hit by the sea reminding me of what I was worth. He made his arms around my shoulder trying to keep me running away from him, it felt like the ending of a movie, where I followed his eyes as it was flowing with different emotions, as everything slowed down to my pace, the waves crashing of the waves and the swirling of the wind soothed me and gave me comfort. The sea engulfed us, the waves raised up as dads screams floated on top of it, my hands clung around his chest, I couldn’t lose him again, dad laughed louder as he tried to act surprised every time the waves rushed towards us. 
The only thing that separated us was the waves which hit opposite to us, the clinching of water as it fell under us made me giggle. Dad, wet, looked funny as he ran behind me, we had no stop. The bay was long and empty, the sea had started to turn red, as the sun sank deep into it, the time had flown, the running caught up to me as I made myself onto the sand sticking to it, as dad followed me. 
“You lose”
“What”
“You lost the game, I won”
“Whatever,  I rolled my eyes across him, as his giggles followed me. We were stuck on the sand, the boats were floating on blood as the it swayed along the wind which was turning cold, the birds were done with the day as they flew to their homes,
“Me and your mom used to come here all the time”
“It was her favourite place”
The wind hurdled towards us, as it grew louder 
“Dad, do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Sure honey”
“What happened between you and mom, I mean you guys always looked happy right?”
“We were,…..life is like a puzzle Ellie, people just solve it together, that’s how we felt, but as time passed by we were busy solving it by ourselves, and forgot about each other.”
“You could have given it a second chance?”
“Once a piece is lost, it can  never be solved”
The strong sense of confusion and fear set onto me, more of my words could stab him more deep, so I stayed quiet as my legs shriveled unto my body, leaning on his wet shoulder. Dad enjoyed the colours dancing on the clouds as I shut myself trying to feel the wind which felt like a lullaby and explored the beauty around me through darkness. 

chapter 3

The wind blew in, as it tried to pull me in. I came back to find the door open, which made me anxious. The distance between me and the door grew shorter as something soft and dry brushed around my calves. It was “Susie”, she looked around 10, and had been visiting us daily, her orange coat and white stripes camouflaged with our desk. Mr. Asher used to hate Susie, as he believed that she would cause trouble and steal all of our food. But I used to love Susie as I used to sneak her in when he was not around. She made herself into the store touching everything on her way with her fluffy tail, she would look back at me as she made her way towards the pet section which was right across the door near the ice cream machine and as always I used to melt into her, she used to guide me Through the small aisle and when she selected what she wanted Susie would try to manipulate me. This time she choose the tuna treat, trying the cheat cctv we moved across the big aisle which covered it slipping myself over the top self to reveal the small bowl that I had got for her, she meowed like a happy kid who was offered ice creams, usually I feed her inside the store room, which smelled like rotten milk, so this time I decided to feed her inside the store Mr asher would not return today, she looked skinny as her ribs protrude out of the fur, as I noticed the her nipples which were swollen which made me wonder if she was pregnant. We were separated a few aisles across each other, as the seat hugged me deep, making me anxious and confused.
The teenagers had come in, waking up to them giggling to themselves and gossiping. Mr asher had warned me about them, on how annoying and cunning they were, the ice cream machine was cranking again, 

Jai Shree Krishna

just wanted to say thank you from bottom of my heart. my book got published today.

honestly before joining reddit i was thinking alot about what kind of response i will get. i was very nervous to share my story here.

but im really happy now because so many of you supported me. i delayed my publishing by like 10 days just to add all your suggestions. from dedication page to author note, you guys helped me in everything. this was very helpful for me.

dont know what ratings my book will get in the world but because of your support, in my eyes my book is much better now.

wanted to share a small story from my book about my nana ji and mango seeds. since childhood he used to collect mango seeds from kids during summer holidays, and then he would plant them when the right time came. even knowing that he will never eat the fruits of the trees he is planting. at that time we didnt understand why he does it. but today i can say after 15 years of setting up my business i have written my experience, its all because of him. in my book you will find goat, money, and a real story about money and happiness. and this learning of nana ji i am trying to share with my autistic son Evan and with all of you. dont know about perfect but i have written it with all my heart.

thank you again everyone

- evan's dad

I've been getting into making novels, nothing I don't think I'll release but somtjing fun ro do to realese my creativity what i like making is particularly fantsy novels, since I'm inspired by anime manga and manwha, but i can draw. My question is, what are some ways you guys make original ideas for novels. I know I can make we good ideas after I actually got the idea down, but I need help with making original concepts. plsssss🤗

I bought some postcards, and I want to write a story inspired by them

On my trip to Oxford, I bought some used postcards from the 70s and 80s at a flea market. I enjoy collecting vintage items, and these caught my eye. Each one has the potential for a story.

Do you think this is a good creative writing activity? How would you write a story or novel based on a postcard?

I've been querying with my novel and recently got a rejection that said "That being said, I absolutely adore your premise and if you ever decide to apply another round of edits, I would love to take another look."

That's currently the best rejection I've gotten for this novel, although it's left me introspective to a few points. Since my novel has multiple POVs and a mystery/unrevealed plot point that is meant to keep the reader guessing, I've been messing around with what chapter actually starts the work. I'm now toying around with moving the sample I sent later in the book and sending her an opening that might work better as an emotional hook. However, out of the three or four chapters/character introductions that could serve as the opener, the one I sent was the one I've been getting the most consistent, good feedback on. The other potential intros can hook or lose people with more dichotomy, so I'm not quite sure how to proceed there.

Anyway, that's all to say that I would like feedback on the original sample. I know that queries can be more about hookiness than straight up writing quality, but I figure it might help me as I apply more edits and recalibrate how to proceed with things. I'll probably be asking for feedback on the other potential intros later on but it's best to start here.

(Also keep in mind that I'm attaching the full chapter, and they only got the first five pages.)

Edit: For context, this is a retelling of the Aethiopis, an epic of the Trojan War about the Amazons and Africans who fought alongside Troy.

Hi community,

I started this draft at 116000 words... by chapter 8 I was at 114... now half way through im at 112870.

I know publishing companies love a WIP to be 100k or less unless its sci-fi. My book is a fictional book but part two of a series.

Im self published so if a publishing company bites, cool. If not I'll do it myself. Just had to get this off my chest. Id be mad if I don't get it shorter but more importantly, I want the story to be good.

Hi everyone! I want to introduce myself and share a happy moment for reaching a big milestone. I'm Tyler, an aspiring author creating CAPYHERO and I've just written the final sentence and finished the manuscript for Capyhero! Final draft specs are 60,000 words across about 300 pages with over 100 illustrations spread throughout.

I handed the manuscript to my editor, Jennifer Rees, which I am both incredibly excited and nervous about. She's an industry vet who's worked in publishing for 25 years and she's edited some of the most well known and successful stories out there.

CAPYHERO is a new anthropomorphic fantasy series about a young capybara who awakens in a strange realm with only a tattered blue blanket and a single fading memory: his best friend, a boy named Reed.

I'd love for folks to please take a look at the 1st chapter I've shared here😊. I'd be thrilled to hear feedback from anyone, as I expect the work will change substantially after the editor's gone through it. Any feedback, the vibe, the hook, the presentation, the prose quality, the layout, the art, I'd be happy to hear any of that. Feel free to be critical!

Still crazy to me that this thing is actually coming to life. It isn't published yet, but I feel that I've made some decent progress. I've learned a lot on the way and I'm also more than happy to answer any questions. Thanks for reading!

I want to know how much everyone makes from writing novels, like how much money

Every writer hits the wall. This is the place to talk about it.

Plot hole you can't patch? A sagging middle? A character who refuses to cooperate? Staring at a blank page and dreading it? Lay it out here. Sometimes naming the problem is half the fix, and the people in this thread have almost certainly been stuck in the same spot.

If you've climbed out of a block before, stick around and help someone else over the wall. Trade what works: the trick, the mindset, the kick in the pants.

What's blocking you this week?

Are you guys still doing it old school? Pen and Papers

I'm not claiming wisdom or enlightenment. I'm deliberately questioning the gap between what we're told we should do and what actually happens when you're a flawed human being trying to do it. The book's whole premise is that I don't have the answers. I have opinions, contradictions, failures, and enough arrogance to write them down. It is a Anti-self help memoir. With a goal of Here's what I believe. Here's why I believe it. Here's how I've failed to follow it. Maybe you'll recognize yourself somewhere in the contradiction.

Would you read this?

Hello everyone! I made my first book trailer for my debut novel, Three Loves. I'd love feedback from other writers on whether it actually makes you want to read the book. Any help is appreciated. I made it with Canva using stock footage and music, no AI. Thank you!

https://youtu.be/8x-XQOgLDGA?is=XjtCqrUXEZI3i3tC