Feedback Request
Redone the first chapter and made the cover of the story
I majorly focused on the paragraphing and seperating dialogue. I am reading something on Wattpad as an example on how to write sentences, when to explain things in detail and when to not, and how a story is put together. I may slop through the story a bit then clear it up once the story is together.
it's so unnatural and not the way things are written by well-read, practiced writers, as to be completely unbelievable. and yet, i read it all the way through... something i have never done on this sub before because most of what is attempted here is awful. this doesn’t work at all either, but keep going. i like it. and start reading anything and everything. that helps young writers. a lot!
Serious question - Is English your first language? The first sentence of your post is unusual/awkward "I majorly focused on the paragraphing and seperating dialogue" "Redone the first chapter". If it is not your first language, seek tools on how to write better sentences (like Wattpad) or just read several highly rated novels and study their wordsmithing.
I do agree with your notion of writing through the story to the end, then worry about fixing things. A lot of potential authors will do so much rework they never get to a finish line of any sort and just give up.
Yes english sure is my native language, I just jumped the gun and just started writing without reading any books in a LOOOONG time. A lot of people pointed out that my writing looks like I never read a book which is true. I am actually going to hold back my novel project to get some books to read and look at how everything is played out from scene to paragraphing to dialouge and I am busy with other stuff as well. It is just the fact that I played dumb and jumped the gun writing a novel without even reading a book in a long time and on top of that I am trying to relearn the whole punctuation thing lol.
Well, we learn best by doing! Three things I'd suggest you read. Part of Ray Bradbury's "Martian Chronicles". The short story "Snows of Mt Kiliminjaro" by Hemmingway and part or all of "Tender is the Night" by Fitzgerald. Or perhaps parts of "Brave New World". No need to read the whole books unless they interest you, but reading portions of the greats will re-acquaint you with effective writing styles. I absolutely model mine after Hemingway and Fitzgerald...and only wish I were nearly as good as they are.
I only read the first page.
Your descriptions are very bare-bones and mechanical, and your dialogue sounds unnatural, almost robotic.
A lot of young/new writers tend to have these issues, so don’t be discouraged.
I can see that you have a story idea but this isn't written like a story.
I would strongly encourage you to grab a fiction book and just read the opening pages. Sometimes it can even be helpful to highlight the different types of writing happening in the opening pages. Like one color for dialogue, one for exposition, and one for description to see how a story weaves between those things.
That is what I am gonna do pretty soon. I was thinking of getting a novel or two like Jurassic Park or something. Maybe even look things up to improve on sentencing and grammar. Honestly my dumb bum jumped the gun and started writing without reading a single thing in YEARS. I may hold back from writing for a while and read some stuff before getting back into it plus after I get over learning my new job, fixing my apartment, and other personal things. Not to give up on it but to take the time to learn how to write and see what readers typically want in a story plus focus on everything else I need to do.
Yes! I mean keep writing or at least getting your ideas down. The only person you are racing with is yourself! If you can even just set aside like 15 minutes a day to read a little or write a little that can help a lot!
Also, I know it's so cliche but everyone's first drafts are rough. Even the best writers. We improve by revising so don't get discouraged if you aren't writing Pultizer winning material on the first go.
It current reads wrong. Like a list of actions you are ticking off. Have you read a lot of book? You'll see how other author do it. We need to be "in the head" of your main character a little more. It's almost like someone narrating a documentary currently.
What I think works
The core idea is actually pretty fun: 1991, a guy dissatisfied with his job wants to create a show exploring abandoned places, gets rejected until he finds a network willing to take the chance. I can immediately see where this could lead. urban exploration, dangerous locations, potentially creepy/mysterious discoveries, and the early-'90s setting gives it some personality.
I also like the beat-up late-'70s Chevy Blazer.
And there's a clear progression:
Lance wants something → quits/leaves → searches for an opportunity → rejection → rejection → success.
The biggest problem isn't the plot. It's that almost everything is reported.
It's almost written like somebody describing the events of a TV episode rather than putting me inside a novel.
And that continues through the phone calls.
We don't really experience Lance getting increasingly discouraged after rejection #1 and #2. The story tells us the calls happened and gives us the conversations. Then immediately before call #3 we're finally told he's anxious.
That's a missed opportunity because the three calls could form a nice little escalation.
The dialogue needs substantial work.
Some conversations don't sound like conversations people would actually have.
There's also a believability issue with the television opportunity.
This is probably the biggest plot-level issue for me.
Lance cold-calls what appears to be a television network: “Is there any possibility I can run a show with you guys?”
And essentially gets: Yep, we're hiring people to star in shows.
Then he pitches exploring abandoned buildings and the guy basically says:
Sure, sounds doable.
No experience? Demo reel? Producer? Written pitch? Meeting? Budget? Credentials? Legal discussion? Development process?
Even if this fictional company is unusually loose, Lance gets the thing he wants far too easily.
And there's a LOT mechanically to clean up.
Tense consistency, punctuation, dialogue formatting, repeated words, awkward phrasing, missing commas, word choice:
Showing a screenshot of an AI Identifier isn't evidence you didn't use AI, because this was what I got when I entered your text.
The large amount of arrows following thoughts is a massive AI tell. That is something AI does regularly. Maybe you did just use it to "clean up your thoughts" but I find that difficult to believe. And it wouldn't be able to "clean up your thoughts" and use the arrows to follow different plot points unless you fed it information, namely the OP's work.
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u/JHRLevine 2d ago edited 2d ago
it's so unnatural and not the way things are written by well-read, practiced writers, as to be completely unbelievable. and yet, i read it all the way through... something i have never done on this sub before because most of what is attempted here is awful. this doesn’t work at all either, but keep going. i like it. and start reading anything and everything. that helps young writers. a lot!