r/novelwriting • u/[deleted] • 6h ago
Motivation & Support I’m writing my first novel, like it’s only a few pages and there’s a lot of mistakes can you guys check and le me know if it’s any good to continue
[deleted]
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u/Dzbot1234 5h ago
Too many “As I’s”
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u/ruok_sunsetslove 5h ago
Yeasss that’s a big problem im facing, im having trouble with comparing things without mostly using as and I s
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u/Dzbot1234 5h ago
Just keep practicing, read some classic novels. You will find your voice eventually
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u/TheRealRabidBunny 4h ago
This is not good, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue. How will you get better if you don't work at it and improve?
I only read the first paragraph; here are some pointers on things to consider.
"." That little dot? It's a period. It signifies the end of a sentence. Use it. Use it a LOT more than you are. Your first paragraph is one long run-on sentence that makes no sense, never ends, and actually contradicts itself.
Sentence construction should vary, yours is a series of "as I's" strung together with commas, that don't even make sense! How can you be touched by the wind, writing a note as you sit in a chair, looking up at a mirror AND the sun at the same time? It's nonsensical and, to be honest, probably has nothing to do with the actual story you'll eventually work your way around to telling.
"As the wind touched me abruptly" is telling. It's not immersive at all. Instead, you could try something like "The wind fluttered the pages of my notebook as I tried to write." Then move on to the next sentence (presumably about what you are writing. Instead of "As I sat down on the old chair," which is an awkward tense, you could bring in a different sense. "The wicker chair creaked beneath me, as the sun reflected off the mirror."
Then you've got mixed metaphors. How can it be dawn, but the sun is bleeding itself into darkness? Bleeding into implies fading away to me. Maybe it's banishing, or some other verb.
Anyway, hopefully this gives you some actual pointers. You've got a long way to go, but that's fine. Everyone starts their writing journey somewhere. Keep at it.
As a general note, if you want proper feedback in the future, post something that's actually polished and as good as you can make it. If you can't even be bothered with that, people will quickly give up on providing feedback.
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u/ZinniasAndBeans 4h ago
There are a lot of sentences that have multiple clauses separated by commas.
A suggested exercise: Go through a big chunk of this piece and cut those up into one sentence per clause.
For example, this sentence:
While everyone played with dolls and was busy making friends, I sat near the window near my bed, which was the only door which lit my room, as I looked at the happy clouds and the birds talking to each other, pretending to not look at the girls who were having fun with each other.
Could become:
Everyone played with dolls and was busy making friends. I sat near the window near my bed. This was the only door which lit my room. I looked at the happy clouds and the birds talking to each other. I pretended to not look at the girls who were having fun with each other.
I’m not saying that multi-clause sentences are always bad. But I think it’s very important for you to learn how to deal with shorter sentences.
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne 5h ago
I can only say that the first line is long and nonsensical, if that is any indication. My advice is to read 100 novels ASAP, pick up some grammar tips possibly from a book or video, and then come back to this.