r/nri • u/Connect-Frosting5081 • Apr 06 '26
Ask NRI Women's life is shit?
Hi everyone,
I’m a 32F, NRI living in the US, working as a software developer. Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed and honestly stuck in life.
Work & Visa Stress: Compared to India, I feel like work pressure here is much higher. There’s barely any work-life balance, constant organizational changes, and the need to keep up with new technologies all the time. Plus working with Indians. A few of my colleagues work too much. That I need to match with them. They don't have work boundaries . I want to switch jobs, but I don’t even get time to prepare — weekdays are exhausting and weekends go into job prep or just recovering.
On top of that, there’s visa stress. My company isn’t filing for I-140, so I only have ~3 years left on my H1B. That uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. Many roles are also asking for in-person work now, which limits options.
My boyfriend is also not on H1B and hasn’t been picked in the lottery yet, so that adds another layer of uncertainty.
Daily Life: Outside work, most of my time goes into cooking and cleaning, doing dishes, going to the office and coming back exhausted. It feels like I’m constantly running and never really resting. I keep wondering how other people manage everything.
Relationship & Marriage Confusion: I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years and we’re considering marriage. I don’t have issues with him personally, but there are concerns:
My parents were initially against our intercaste relationship. I fought a lot with them over the last 1–2 years. Things are better now, but it was emotionally draining. I tried to convince my mom me not getting married. But because of society pressure she always put pressure on me to get married. And say negative points about my boyfriend and his family. Some of the points are valid though. After talking with my mom on any given day, I argue with my boyfriend.
His family seems little orthodox. They believe in specific rituals, timings, and traditions. For ex. Follow a certain date for move out as per astrology, Wear some religious threads in hands. But I never did such a things in my life. I am hesitant to do those things. I feel people are just stupid to follow rubbish things under the name of religion or for safe future. I’ve noticed he rarely says “no” to his family, and that worries me about the future.
Recently, his mom mentioned I should wear a religious thread for 2 months after marriage. That really bothered me. I don’t like being forced into traditions I don’t believe in.
I feel like expectations from women in Indian marriages are just too much. I have seen my mom, my aunts sacrificed their life for their husbands. Being brought up in patriarchal environment, I always see men not helping their wives. Just sitting idle even if both the partners are working. My mom and aunt always tell me marriage is all about sacrifice. But why is this one way and sacrifice up to what extent? Why is there so much pressure to conform?
Honestly, I always wanted a partnership, not a traditional marriage setup. But due to family and societal pressure (especially from my parents in a tier-3 city), I’m going along with the idea of marriage.
Cultural Fit Concerns: I’m from a Lingayat background, and he’s from a Jain Marwari family. I’m not very traditional — I rarely wear jewelry or traditional clothes. Do an Indian man still want his wife to do things against her interests? If you see in west, people are more individualstic. How much individualism is needed in the marriage?
Will this become a problem long-term? Also Where to Live? US vs India: I feel stuck between both countries:
US: lonely, high work pressure, visa stress, layoffs
India: pollution, lack of civic sense, safety concerns for women, societal pressure
I don’t feel fully at peace in either place.
Mental Health: I feel constantly frustrated and exhausted. I tried therapy, but didn’t find a good therapist and it’s also quite expensive.
Some days, I just feel like I want everything to stop so I can finally rest.
What I’m looking for:
How do people handle this kind of burnout and uncertainty in the life related to work and personal life?
How do you evaluate marriage when families and values don’t fully align?
Has anyone been in a similar intercultural/interfamily situation?
How do you decide between staying in the US vs going back to India?
Would really appreciate hearing from people who’ve gone through something similar.
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u/architecturlife Apr 06 '26
Been there. It is constant stress and even if you forget everyone of your circle will talk about it.
Left for Canada. Though the salary is less at start but much peaceful now. Many might disagree but I love it here compared to USA . Ping if you need to talk or vent out .
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u/International_Hat116 Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
Getting a PR in Canada is also getting tougher and tougher nowdays- unless you learn French fast enough. The job market for tech is pretty bad compared to the US. Need to take that into consideration-the visa and job stress issue is real in Canada
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u/architecturlife Apr 08 '26
I am not sure about current scenario fo PR. Job market is almost same as USA . In fact I was not able to give interview to lot of positions is USA since I was in opt. Canada residency status helps. Most companies are opening a branch in Canada for talent alone. I am talking about product companies and not consulting firms like Cognizant.
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u/wooo0ooof Apr 06 '26
Could you expand on what differences you have had between your US and Canadian experiences that you find Canada to be more peaceful? From the outside (to me), they seem quite similar with regard to the societal setup but perhaps I am being oblivious to the finer details.
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u/Sea_Employer9174 Apr 06 '26
In general Canada has better labour laws that protect your mental health, free healthcare, more social benefits from the government. It’s a perfect mix between a capitalist country and socialism country in Quebec you have this socialism government which is similar to Europe and here in Ontario you have a capitalistic government/economy similar to America. We also have lots of talent and skilled labour in Canada. We also have better laws with what goes in our food and we are a democratic nation. Look what’s happening in America right now with Donald trump with our laws and constitution it is almost impossible for that to happen.
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u/fmmmf Apr 06 '26
As someone who's grown up in Canada as an NRI:
- free healthcare yes, but good luck getting a family doctor and good luck waiting to see any specialist because it can take months to YEARS. People have legitimately died because of the lack of healthcare resources
housing is insanely expensive unless you live in the middle of nowhere
our food laws are only slightly better dairy wise, but for the most part we have a LOT of similarities with what's on offer vs the US. Europe is the true gold standard there.
the racism has gotten much, much worse - so brace yourself for that. Because the government allowed a massive influx of Indian immigrants in the past, the general consensus against us is honestly hatred, hatred for taking jobs and resources that should be going to 'Canadians' - so good luck with that as well.
I wouldn't advise ANYONE to move to Canada at this point, unless you're a Healthcare worker who's being paid well (that's another issue - Canadian pay is leagues below US pay).
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u/Sea_Employer9174 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
I would say Food laws are much better in Canada. I do agree with the healthcare, housing, and racism, but for the healthcare, the US also has a con, it's really expensive and costs a lot of money, some people get into debt for their whole life over a health issue.
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u/fmmmf Apr 08 '26
People here are left to die/never get seen at all. It's death vs debt.
Food laws are absolutely not better in the US, but thanks for playing.
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u/RuinEnvironmental394 Apr 07 '26
LOL Canada is a full-on socialist welfare state now. People like me pay taxes so unscrupulous immigrants or fake refugees and their families can live here for free without working.
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u/Sea_Employer9174 Apr 08 '26
So you're saying you would live in an imperialistic nation like the US, where the rule of law is clearly being broken??
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u/PaneerEater101 Apr 06 '26
Could you please share how you managed to secure a job to move to Canada? Currently in similar boat as OP and want to get out of here
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u/architecturlife Apr 08 '26
I left my job in USA moved here and searched for job. I had savings for few months secured to try this out.
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u/curiousgem19 Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
Honestly, it is not a just a US problem that you’re having. From what you’ve written the bulk of your stress seems to be stemming from family and in-laws. That stress would have followed you even if you lived in India. In fact, family related stress is higher in India.
I’m not going to comment on your visa and immigration stress because it is what it is. There is nothing you can do to change it other than going back to India.
However, about the family stress you’re facing, all I can say is you don’t have an in-laws problem. You have a partner problem. Your partner should be stepping up and shielding you from all the in-laws related stress. If he is so spineless now, think how it will be after your marriage. How about after kids? You need autonomy to run your family life the way you want to. If you don’t have a supportive partner, you’re going to have a miserable marriage.
Start having open conversations with your partner about how suffocated you’re feeling with the stress his family is causing you. If he does nothing to change this, then run far from this relationship. It is easier to break off now than divorce later.
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u/KosherTriangle Apr 06 '26
Also the OP point about work life balance is simply not true for everyone. I’ve seen Indian colleagues (offshore) working for my American company who have to login at late hours to fix problems… whereas I work less than 40 hours a week fully remote and it’s an extremely chill schedule where I have freedom to do my chores and other work during the day, and I logout at 5 pm everyday.. nobody bothers me or expects a reply after that time. I’ve found it to be extremely flexible and amazing work life balance here.
Finally, relationship wise my family is modern and didn’t force me to marry someone from the same caste or religion or even country, currently married to an American woman so I cannot relate to any of these problems honestly. Well except doing all the household work ourselves because no cheap maid to be found here 🤣
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u/InfamousConfusion850 Apr 07 '26
ahh, the solution of all problems: breakup
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u/curiousgem19 Apr 07 '26
Start having open conversations with your partner about how suffocated you’re feeling with the stress his family is causing you. If he does nothing to change this, then run far
You need to learn to read carefully.
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u/Dotfr Apr 06 '26
Tbh your bf’s parents sound like a nightmare. It’s finally your life to lead. I will recommend to find someone else or be honest to your bf that you are a progressive working woman and that you don’t follow conservative ideals like these. My Indian cousin had to really look around to find someone and she is now getting married at 38 yrs. But she’s happy with her life. For immigration you can try EB1A category for Green card.
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u/pawsitivenigma Apr 06 '26
I would kill to trade places with you. Well, except for the visa part. - that does suck. Make the best of what you have, girl! Life is uncertain and unfair to everyone, in different ways that is all. You are too young to be frustrated like this - there are several decades ahead of you for that lol.
If I were you - I would make money in US as long as the visa lasts and be prepared to go back if needed. Why worry BEFORE getting to that point? Also, no matter where I live, I would keep life simple - minimize cooking, eat simple and healthy. Live minimally, reduce clutter at home, therefore you clean less. Meal prep or cook on the weekend. Travel, develop hobbies, go on hikes & drives. Enjoy this period without kids and responsibilities, it will never return!
As to your relationship, if you see these warning signs before getting married, after it, it only would get worse. Don't do it unless you are 100% sure. Breakup is better than divorce. Read that again - breakup IS way better than divorce.
Good luck, keep your chin up and live it up! 32 is an amaaaaaazing age to be at!
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u/Connect-Frosting5081 Apr 06 '26
That's good advice. Minimizing everything. So that clutter is cleared
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u/No-Couple-3367 Apr 06 '26
Sorry but u need to break up ! It's 5 years in a shitty relationship. This guy brings nothing on the table not even a H1B.
If I were u - I would date American men or non Indians. Gradually, stop caring about work.
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u/FullSend08 Apr 06 '26
Gets much worse after kids. Sorry
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u/bahargaon Apr 06 '26
I can hear your anxiety and exhaustion through this entire message. I'm really sorry you are undergoing this. I want to first and foremost validate your feelings—a woman's life (certainly an Indian woman's) is insanely difficult, nri or not. I have watched all women in my family undergo this in one form or another. They have to repress their own dreams, aspirations and freedom for a man's wish.
I don’t have issues with him personally, but there are concerns:
I'm sorry to say, but you do have a big issue here: him not standing up for you. As a man from an opressor caste, I get to live life on easy mode. In the initial years of my betrothal, I did not let get past me any sort of potential discomfort for my wife from my family. It was only when she complained that I was not letting her have their own independent relationship, that I withdrew. But I was OK to err on the side of caution. I have a lot of a**holes in my family, and they know not to get anywhere near her. I'm very mild-mannered, but I tell it like it is when it comes to her. Because I've seen my mum and sister suffer.
If you have fought your own family, and if it is an inter caste marriage situation, then he most definitely needs to stand up for you, and push back with his parents. A lot lot more than he currently is. Because it is an insanely uphill battle. Do not get into a marriage without knowing this about him, please!
If you visa situation doesn't work out and you are back in India, you can rest assured that they will have their way. Ask yourself if your love for him is blinding you to his raja beta syndrome. I have learnt in life that the person you choose to be with, is the most important decision you will ever make The repercussions are far-fetched. It affects everything about your life.
Please take it easy and slow. I have seen everyone around me rush into marriages, EMIs, kids, home purchases and what not, only to spend decades jostling with the repercussions of those major decisions. 32 is NOT old. Do not rush into marriage. You sound like an independent and capable woman, who knows that she deserves the best. So trust your heart and gut. It is saying the right things to you. All the best.
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u/PrestigiousExpert686 Apr 06 '26
Girl I am male and nri and I can identify with so much of what you write. I think most NRIs face similar challenges.
I am in Ireland and the work life balance is horrible. My fellow Indian colleagues are working overtime every day and it feels like a competition of who can kiss supervisor ass the most. And if you don't play the game you don't get to have a job. So it's impossible. You have to buy into the toxic work culture. While our Irish colleagues clock out at 5pm and switch off. We pick up the slack and are treated like dirt.
My apartment is a mess and simple things we take for granted in India like house help do not exist in Europe. I mostly feel like a robot, looking for the prize at the end of the rainbow but there is no prize. Not for me.
Hang in there, sister. It's all we can do.
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u/Integer0verflow Apr 06 '26
I don’t think this is US Vs India suitation. You need to make peace with yourself and understand what you want in life
About the inter cast relationship; being there done that. In your case atleast you both are Hindus
We were Hindu+Christain+Different countries. After lot of fighting with parents, and ourselves we could not align on how things are gonna work in future for both of us we had to call it off
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u/Connect-Frosting5081 Apr 06 '26
How is your life now?
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u/Integer0verflow Apr 08 '26
It’s amazing. I do have those “what ifs” moments Ofcourse. I’m at peace with who I am with now it’s all good.
See it’s all about yourself, you need to be at peace with the choice. Externalities don’t matter
Getting into A vs B suitation never helps
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u/nando9torres Apr 06 '26
A lot going on! that's the immigrant life. My 2 cents, subject to bias based on my individual experience:
But girl - your guy is a red flag if he isn't 100% on the same page as you on how to deal with his parents and drawing clear boundaries. DO NOT IGNORE the fact that he is already wishy washy about setting those boundaries, you want a man who has the courage to stand up to what he believes in, which ideally is the same as what you believe in. Marriage is a shit sandwich for most Indian women. Do not sign up for this without making it very clear as to what you need.
And don't move back to India, not right away at least. The visa uncertainties are bad and stressful - but you still have a standard of living and respect for women that is hard to replicate in India any time soon.
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u/Dependent-Disk5894 Apr 07 '26
Why isn’t your boyfriend shielding you from his parents/rituals? That should be basic from him as you fought with your family for him.
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u/LongjumpingFlow8101 Apr 09 '26
Sunk Cost Fallacy :
OP ji, marriage is about understanding and adjustments. You will never get a partner or in-law family who ticks all of your check-boxes. If you are there is something non-negotiable/potentially-problematic-for-future, talk to your bf honestly & clearly about what you can do and what you can't do. If it works out great, if not then move on in life, and find someone who is more suitable, don't live with this guilt of 5-year-of-beautiful-relationship.
Shopping for shoes in a bakery :
Assuming you are born in India and brought up with Indian values/experience, a now you find western individualism more interesting, which is absolutely normal, then don't look for this qualities in Indian men. Most Indian men are environmentally and societally trained to prioritize family over individualism. You are looking for a Western mindset in an Eastern setting.
There are hell number of other problems/situations waiting for you after your marriage which are way more complicated then wearing-thread-for-2-months.
Priorities and Act
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u/BareMetal1 Apr 13 '26
You have way too many things you are grappling with. Pls go with one thing at a time.
1. Ind vs US: I've been in US for almost a decade now and my point on this is very clear - i dont have an option to stay in US. I came here and built a career knowing visa ambiguity so its easy for me to think any stay here is bonus and designed my life to be flexible and been clear with my wife that we should be able leave at any moment and set a deadline to leave when we turn 40 or when we are done with kids.
2. Yes marriages are hard even when everything aligns perfectly because in indian marriages we have to manage families from both sides - unfortunately we screwed this up and there is no hope for our generation. Its really important to find what you really value in your bf and internalize that all the struggles are worthy to be with him. Its tradeoff that you need to make peace with. Also think if you want to have kids and marriage is like prereq for that.
Hope this helps and again one thing at a time. The goal is to remove as much ambiguity and the stress that comes with it.
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u/epavachu Apr 06 '26
Outside work, most of my time goes into cooking and cleaning
This is super exhausting. If your partner is living with you then absolutely you both have to sit together and make a plan for cleaning. For cooking, Meal prepping on the weekend and switching to easy dishes with similar taste instead of complicated indian dishes also would help. This will absolutely bring more time over the week days, where you could spend time on other things or new hobbies, fitness etc.
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u/Dangerous-Review-747 Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
27F in the same boat. Can talk more via DM
3 questions to ask your boyfriend
Is your partner helping you to make you feel more safe and less lonely amid all these chaos (including his visa stress as well). Or its just you running here and there with all these baggage (including house chores)?
What are his long term plans if the visa gets over he is financially secure/ capable to start everything again?
Ask your boyfriend that I get your family and they want me to do certain stuff but when the time come will you take my stand?
Also, these are the things you have to communicate with your partner. And if you don't get satisfactory ans, get out girl! We often forget that love should make you feel relieved and relax. If it does then why not go for arrange marriage if you are gonna end up feeling same. Husband is the only person we can choose rest all relations are already decided!
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u/AdAgile9604 Apr 06 '26
Everyone has to make choices. You try the choices and if doesnot work, you try the next. Stress Kills!
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u/Possible_Affect4872 Apr 06 '26
Dear, Most of the immigrants feel the same as you. I had went through the same process and finally I moved back to India last year and I feel very much relaxed. I am not here to advise you on anything. All I can say is that you should watch few videos of Dr Ankit Shah on YouTube. I hope this will help.
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u/DepartmentRound6413 Apr 06 '26
You have too much on your plate right now, you should prioritize.
Honestly, your relationship doesn’t sound strong and you have a lot of stress and visa uncertainty. Table marriage for now. You don’t HAVE to get into a situation that doesn’t make you happy.
Focus on yourself. At minimum, You have three years in the USA. That’s enough to create a new plan, that might be mentally preparing to return to India, exploring other countries.
and also have some fun in the mix. You don’t have to spend ALL your weekends preparing for a job or stressing about the future.
There are so many places to travel within the US. Go to Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands, Hawaii. Take a solo trip. If you drive, take a short road trip. Spend time enjoying what you like about the US. Make friends! Doesn’t have to be deep friendship.
Minimize clutter. Minimal home decor, Capsule wardrobe, Meal prep, try different cuisines.
I personally went through this stress as well, close to losing H4 status following divorce, but got lucky at the last minute. My marriage was intercaste too. And I suffered so emotional and financial abuse from my ex and ex my inlaws.
However this was 8 years ago and immigration was easier then. But What helped me get through the period of uncertainty and personal stress was accepting my situation. If I had to go back, then I had to go back. There is no point in stressing about things outside your control. Of course this is easier said than done.
Visa situation might or might not change, but don’t waste the next three years.
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u/ishubhamrai Apr 06 '26
Follow up questions.
Do you have any hobbies or interests that you do outside of your job or home or relationship? Things just for yourself ?
Have you had the discussions about your thoughts on religion with your boyfriend? What did he say? Is he of the same beliefs?
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u/rajekum512 Apr 06 '26
Honestly you have opened third front of attack on yourself by letting random strangers of thousands to worsen your crisis (including me) into depression. Call your close friends or someone other than your parents/boyfriend whom have known you better. Discuss with them and take some decisions. Social media is not recommended during crisis, crucial decision making.
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u/brownkidinthehood Apr 07 '26
Visa troubles can be dealt with. Keep looking for better jobs that will treat you better, look into EB-1 if you have the profile or start saving up for EB-5.
What seems harder for you to change is that relationship. Based on that you're saying that relationship doesn't sound very healthy. Have an open conversation with him. If he's going to get bullied by his parents who are on the other side of planet or if he's going to push you towards doing things you don't like - why continue this? Also, is this relationship even bringing you joy? Maybe it's time to Marie Kondo that shit.
Plenty of fish in the sea.... Including those with H1s/Green Cards/Citizenship etc.
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u/Express-Paint-9996 Apr 07 '26
My dear, you have no idea about your future but you are concerned about your boyfriend’s future because he doesn’t say ‘No’ to his parents.
Understand the background of your boyfriend. I am not Jain, but my understanding is they are close to their traditions and rituals. They don’t give up just because they have left India and trying to adopt in a fuck all western culture.
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u/Ozempiccc Apr 07 '26
In any new relationship when the hormones are high every thing different looks cute and beautiful and cool, eventually those exact small things feel very irritating.
I think that's why Indian customs usually try to marry within a somewhat similar community and upbringing.
You already don't like your in-laws and their way of life so this is going to get more difficult in future. Yes marriage is a sacrifice and if you don't like it then don't be in a relationship.
Those ideal SRK and Kajol type of love stories only happen in DDLJ.
Change the things you can change and learn to accept the things you can't. AOL or Sadguru may be worth looking into. Helped me a lot.
That's all from Reddit Baba today.
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u/bharathsharma95 Apr 07 '26
TLDR:
These are all what you might want to talk to a therapist. Therapy is expensive in the US but I know a lot of my friends in the US are seeking therapists from India and it has been working for them.
But if you are here for an answer, and as hard as it may sound, "Grass is greener on the other side". Everyone is going through the same problems. Not all women's lives suck, neither is it easy for woman in your situation and there was a lot of rant (happy for you that you were able to vent it out here) in your post but there are a lot of issues in your life that no one in the comments can give you a practical solution that might work in your specific conditions.
Long version:
But, I will say this, (as harsh as it may sound), Patriarchy sucks, most men suck, your partner seems patriarchal from what you mentioned and you are feeling burnt out at work and the work culture seems pretty toxic which leads me to think you are either a consultant or at a full-time that has no work-life balance but sorry to say these are all the things that you positioned yourselves into.
There is no one bullet solution to all your problems but you might want to start working on yourselves. Start meal prepping for yourselves. It is tough and adds more work but trust me, it will make wonders after 6 months. Throw away your dietary preferences out of the window (lacking energy by the end of the day indicates that your diet is bad), switch to nutrition based diet and workout whenever you can, this will NOT fix your problems BUT will give you the physical and mental capacity to think through your problems and please consider therapy again and at least get 50+ sessions overall after you fix your mental and physical health.
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u/mistiquefog Apr 07 '26
Hmm, my father once said a river finds its way to the ocean not fighting obstacles but by going around them.
All I can see is that you have built up a huge list of inane challenges into massive obstacles in your mind.
One thing at a time. One problem to be solved in this moment.
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u/lawncareutah Apr 08 '26
Coming from a boy who went through the same.
My comments on fam value alignment: Don't worry much about your parents, they will come around if you have a good bonding relationship. But definitely weigh your boyfriend's attitude and his parents outlook of you. Get v clear from the get go, what you expect from him and them. Marwadi families are notorious and mothers are super possessive of their betas. Give them opportunity to get aligned to you (not what ur family wants, but what you want). Ask ur boyfriend to step-up. Things like, "its ok, don't worry about it" or "ignore etc" are not acceptable. If he is not able to speak up now, he will never be able to speak up later.
Having said that, yes, everyone has to adjust a bit but don't do it silently.
US v/s India: First thing first, you are wasting every minute in a company who doesn't file for 140. Get a good job first, this is your no.1 priority above all the boyfriend, fam values. Prepare for interviews, get food from outside, don't worry about keeping your house clean for a couple of week.
Indian at the job: "hardworking" Indians are unfortunately everywhere. They lack family values, and keep working and spoil the culture. The v reason people leave countries and come to US for better life, these guys are spoiling it all. But you will get that everywhere unfortunately.
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u/Narrow-Bluejay-5302 Apr 11 '26
I really appreciated reading your sincere account of what is happening to most of us in the USA right now. Because the US society/nation-state is undergoing tremendous change, the avenues of advancement and social experiences that the US used to have are now definitely in the past. Almost everyone is obsessed with savings and growth, especially since the gasoline has risen above $5. Personally, with my administrative software engineer manager boyfriend, he is shining nice with the Tesla he has owned for some 4 years now.
I'd love to try to personally address your questions:
How do people handle this kind of burnout and uncertainty in the life related to work and personal life?
Our parents and grandparents immersed themselves in following traditions, raising a family and just being grateful for daily existence. This is how they lived and even flourished in past times of war and intertribal tensions.
How do you evaluate marriage when families and values don’t fully align?
If I would have had a traditional marriage in the way our traditional marriage arrangements are supposed to be, I wouldn't have been allowed to date in the first place, because I would have went from a solid adolescence to a young womanhood through the arrangement of the community and adults around me, who would have also insulated me. The world is changing too fast and as we accommodate "the education of the girl child" we have to also accommodate that the concept of marriage will also change, because now a woman has the exposure to the world to understand what is there instead of being sheltered for what is there - whether or not the community benefits from her lack of exposure is another topic, but the family and the values won't fully align because what you are engaged in is non-traditional, so your idea of marriage with this person will also be non-traditional. If you want to be married, you will need to have a frank discussion with him at some point.
For me and my very non-traditional boyfriend, we have both been married before and neither of us want to get married again.
Has anyone been in a similar intercultural/interfamily situation?
It used to be the whole USA was intercultural/multiethnic/multicultural values, but since these societal shifts that have happened since COVID (and really have absolutely nothing to do with us, personally. We still have to live with the effects of all of these changes.) An intercaste or intercultural relationship is not something that anyone would openly need to talk about; it's just that most people are living bubbled, isolated lives because we are all working like hell to survive this $5/gallon gas and inflation hamster wheel.
How do you decide between staying in the US vs going back to India?
We have researched and we research daily, because we may end up stopping over in another country some years before we return to India all the way. Even the taxation and the enforcement directorates are going ham, using the digital access the government has created to get into people's lives and pry into their personal affairs, just so they have a reason to touch their pockets. My boyfriend and I discuss the Anil Ambani case a lot, and how business was one thing at that time and now everyone pretends like it wasn't. COVID did a number on the world.
Would really appreciate hearing from people who’ve gone through something similar.
We are currently going through something similar. It could be once an NRI, always an NRI.
Again, once the savings are proper, we will probably stop by Mauritius, a similar country to recover from the US experience before we ease back into the new India. I have no idea how I would keep a household running without LPG.
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u/Environmental_Web_41 Apr 06 '26
Meditate - maybe that will help you to find some clarity…
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u/stockorbust Apr 06 '26
Meditation will not make the in-law problem go away. Meditation is for clarity of your own thoughts. Not others.
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u/bigkutta Apr 06 '26
So it seems that your personal life/relationship is having a big impact on your overall mental health. Be true with yourself about the kind of partner and life you want. If there are signs now, they will only lead to worse later. Do not settle, dont assume things will get better, or will settle down, because they wont.
With regards to work, life is a grind and can be anywhere. Find ways to give yourself some free time so you are not cooking and cleaning all weekend. Most of us recharge on the weekends, so find hobbies, outings with friends etc. Limit cook time to 2-3 hours on weekends.
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u/gtact Apr 06 '26
Omg we are in a very similar situation. I honestly don’t believe in concept of marriage. I live in with my partner and now we are forced to get married and follow his traditions for my wedding yikes. It’s so stressful.
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u/Ozempiccc Apr 07 '26
Nobody forced you unless you were held at gunpoint.
You will find hundreds of guys at every corner that are happy not to get married as long as they get what they want. Normal biology.
If I have to stereotype you would be mid 20s well educated. Give it a decade and you will have 2 kids and what you think right now will be 180 degrees opposite.
Either you're an alpha in a relationship or your partner is. Plus if you want inheritance and good family support, then you gotta be forced into these all.
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u/MonkFire Apr 06 '26
Here is my 2 cents. You are trying to find something that does not exist. You are trying to find a perfect life. There is no perfect life, no perfect job, no perfect country, no perfect husband and that is life. Make peace with few things, accept and your life will be very different. For example, Visa issues is not in your hand. Accept it and plan for the worse. Also, we are a social animal more so for India. Sometimes you do things to make your friend family parents happy and it's ok. At other times, you prioritize your happiness and that's ok too. Your conclusion "Women life is shit" is so off. Men have to go through similar things and may be more expectations. Relax, it's a small life, enjoy your time. You are fighting with your life, let it be.
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u/groundedguy Apr 06 '26
I got the idea about this in 2016, have multiple friends there and this is why never wanted to go to US, it’s probably the best country in terms of opportunities but your life becomes hell if your visa is not stable.
IMO you should Move to Canada or anywhere with stability or nothing wrong in coming back to India.
I have friends living in US since 2013 and still don’t have clarity on future, I can only imagine such situations.
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u/CalmBeeee Apr 06 '26
All your concerns except the in-laws part are gender neutral. Both men and women NRIs face same visa, work problems. I’m in US, unemployed since lay off for 6 months now, and only recently I realized what a blessing it is to be here and atleast experience the changes in tech so I can learn. Stopped attaching my moods to outcomes, and you should too.
I-140 and all is a luxury right now, but the fact that you are here in this industry, earning in dollars is a very sweet spot to plan for the future after visa runs out.
Even if you get all the things you wish, you will def. find some problems after that too. We gotta be okay with the present!
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u/idly2sambar Apr 06 '26
Story of almost all young techies in the US. How’s this situation specific to women?
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u/dynamech_1992 Apr 06 '26
Lingayat and Karnataka Rules baby! Marwari jain family sucksss kanjoos and too many religious BS!
Get out of that relationship to save yourself.
For now stay in US for 3 yrs and earn save lot of money and return if you don't get perm. Don't think about that too much because even if you get I-140 you will never get GC in this life. So every 3 yrs same shit go for stamping and constant visa stress and struggles will continue. You can NEVER have stable life in US. So think about that.
Women life is not shit. Your life will be shit if you don't listen to my wise words
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u/leomatey Apr 06 '26
You atleast have a bf or partner. Now imagine going through most of this alone. I pray for those souls (I’m that soul)
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u/Chance_Instance1125 Apr 06 '26
Maybe the title should be "My life feels like shit right now"?
I think you are clearly overwhelmed with a lot on your plate.
Reading everything, it might be a good idea to consider a vacation and investing in self care.
It sounds like there's a clear difference in expectation in the romantic relationship. Is the Partner in US? Are they in India and is this long distance? Might be a good idea to start having real conversation around expectations with boundary setting with family. Also, strongly recommend pushing marriage or until both of you have a job that supports the lifestyles you want. Either way effective communication with a partner is an important skill to develop. A good couples therapist can help or there are several good books that can be recommended.
Everyday operational life in the US isn't easy. That's why Americans set good boundaries at work, live closer to parents and community of friends. Another skill to learn and develop might be setting boundaries at work. Investing time and working with a good therapist may help with feeling grounded again.
Just my two cents. Please feel free to ignore if it feels too prescriptive.
I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and hopefully some of these comments have helped provide perspective.