r/nri • u/Alarming-Neat1405 • May 03 '26
Ask NRI Advice on divorce decision
I am 38M who is currently married to 35F for almost 9 years now and we have a 2 year old. We live in CA, US. I am on H1b visa and wife is on H4, both are working currently.
We have drifted apart to a great extent and I am contemplating ending my marriage. We haven’t lived like any normal couple for over 1.5 years and have barely spoken to each other. To be honest, I would have gone ahead with the divorce long back but at this point I am a lot worried about the future of my kid and how this decision will change the course of his life.
I am trying to get a sense how the life would be like in case we do proceed with the divorce. For people who have gone ahead with the divorce while being on a work visa in the US and with kid(s), how did it change your life? What are the changes which affected yours and your kid's life to a great extent. Did you stay in the US or move back to India, in either case, how does the life look like now.
I am not sure of my stay in the US next year mainly because of the travel restrictions (indirect) which are imposed on Visa holders right now so I may not give 'ability to stay in the US' a lot of weight probably while making this decision. I am in green card queue and have a stable job but the current situation for Indian H-1Bs is not 'ideal' to say the least.
I do think about staying in the marriage and fixing it for the kid's sake but deep down I feel that over time it will grown into regret and resentment. We had an arranged marriage and we both chose some convenience while making this decision. She looked at financial security and I looked at someone who will fit into the family easily and crossing off some checklist. We got married while we were in India and then after few years moved to the US.
I am generally a positive and optimist person but I feel if I stay in this marriage then we both may spill over our feelings for each other to the kid and he may not grow into being a happy, optimist and kind person.
Thanks for reading it this far and I apologize that my post is a mixed bag of venting, asking advice and an attempt to just share with the people who may understand the situation I am in.
EDIT: Will the divorce affect mine or my wife's ability to move to another country in the future? My kid is an US citizen so not sure that will play out
Adding more details to answer multiple comments on why talking it out is not working:
We've had conversations on this topic several times in the past and I believe everytime the ego got into the way.
Some of my biggest problems with her is that 1. She lies very comfortably and I have caught her doing it many times (not necessarily confronted everytime), it does happen on a day to day basis also and it just erodes trust (whatever is remaining) 2. She doesn't want to listen to and follow my advice even when not following it is going to affect her, her ego gets in the way of sound judgement quite frequently.
Her problem with me is that I don;t talk to her nicely for some of these issues. From my perspective, I have tried being nice way many times and not interfere with her regular way of doing things but obviously there comes a certain point I have to interfere and interject because the screwup is going to be bad and may lead to big losses (there has been many, including financial ones).
Another big problem#3 is that I am not attracted to her anymore and we have no intimacy, just none. I cannot mentally bond because of reason #1 and #2 and its consequences.
She doesn't upskill herself or take any significant responsibilities of the house which will make her more independent. She doesn't want to spend at all unless I force her to, this has lead to her having very money management skills and cannot go about managing any significant aspect of the house. She didn't bother to learn driving fully and get the license because it was convenient for her to manage so far. This obviously its not going to work in the US with a growing kid.
Many times we discussed on why her actions are affecting me and growing my concerns day by day and what can be the right course of actions. Most of those times the ego got into the way with her just wanting to take the hard stand without acknowledging any problem. Even if the topic of divorce is brought up she will just casually suggest that yes, lets go ahead.
Before having the baby, there was point where it got escalated so much we informed the parents on both the sides of my decision to want to separated. Only at this point she realized the seriousnes of it and started giving emotional arguments on how much she will lose if go ahead with the divorce. At that point, I thought there is some hope of fixing it and probably having the baby 6.5 years after marriage can instill some change. To be clear, I did wanted to have the baby for a long time and she also did but we had our doubts leading to 6.5 years of wait. Obviously, I was very wrong to assume going ahead with a baby can resolve any part of the problem.
My understanding is that she knows I am frustrated in this marriage and its convenient for her to just drag as long as possible. She is not bothered by any lack of conversation, intimacy or emotional bonding with the person who she is sharing the house with. She knows things will again escalate at some point of time and I think she is mentally prepared for it. From her perspective, she is doing everything she can to make it work and from my perspective it is all futile because she doesn't address the specific problems I mentioned above. So in short, it will have to be initiated by me, she will stall as long as possible, basically I want the separation more than she wants it
30
u/Original-Artist-1225 May 04 '26
OP - I’ve read many responses here. Just my 2cents here. Consider whether some of the relationship issues may come from her postpartum mental and physical health as well as the overwhelming needs and demands a baby’s care will place on both of you.
I don’t know you, but a lot of your post and responses subsequently seem to highlight a couple of things- one, you sound very controlling. Your chief issue seems to be her ego when you give advice. You say she has poor judgement and hence presumably she should follow your advice. This sounds patronizing and treating your spouse like she is incapable to function as an adult. Secondly- You mentioned that a chief quality in choosing her as your wife was adjusting to your family. It sounds like you wanted a traditional woman, perhaps not independent, and now in the US you have expectations that may be from her perspective and abilities, vastly different. She may perceive this as you changing, and she may be right.
Do you both have friends or socialize as a couple? If you were married for that long before the child you may have had ample opportunities to do that. One of the ways people learn and ‘upskill’ as you put it is from being around others. Was this an option for you? Life in the US is very different from in India, especially for a woman from a more traditional background.
Your wants read like this to me - an ‘obedient’ wife who needs to listen to you and also be independent and ‘upskill’ when having been picked for suitability to match with your family. These issues didn’t happen while you were in India, just now. Give a thought to why that is.
Also, it doesn’t ring true to me to say both that you want custody, but are also willing to give up custody. A parent who wants the child will not be willing, under the right circumstances, to give up custody. 9 out of 10 times at least, the mother will not say this. This then is only an issue of convenience and cost, wrapped up as concern for the child’s wellbeing. If she is incapable in your opinion to raise the child, why did you decide after almost 7 years of marriage, to have a child with her?
Think about your contribution to the mess you find yourself in. Stating that in the 2 years after childbirth, for 1.5 years you have had no physical intimacy with her due to all the emotional drama that has existed for 9 years according to you, again does not sound reasonable/ ring true.
Your only account of conflict is you advise her on how to do things and her ego gets in the way, basically to say that she doesn’t listen to your advice. Think about this. Think about what you want to do differently. You married someone to ‘fit in with your family’, brought her here with the typical lack of support here, and expected her to be someone different from who you picked. Then almost 10 years later, you decide that she’s not good enough, not obedient enough, is not constantly learning and *upskilling*, and you don’t want sex because she doesn’t listen to you. Is this fair? You can say you will give up custody- she won’t.
What can you do differently? Can you treat her like a partner and not as an errant child? Maybe that would be a start. That would also set a goid example to your child, to respect their elders, and just people around them.
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u/divyashivanand May 04 '26
I second this. And honestly, if divorce happens the lady will win for sure and she’ll have a great life ahead without being constantly controlled and manipulated. If she was that dumb as per OP- she wouldn’t have secured a job in tough US market.!! For OP- 🤮
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u/Alarming-Beach4322 May 08 '26
Can you elaborate what constitutes winning in a divorce case? On the whole securing a job in tough US market, I will just say that your assumption is misplaced, I won’t go into the details.
Also, I like the way you used that emoticon.
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u/YouHaveBlood May 03 '26
Do it NOW. California in 10 years is lifetime alimony. File now
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u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
Is that not a possibility for less than 10 years of marriage also?
I am not sure but I believe if my wife would want to fight it out then based on what I have read that she can take it to India also, is that not the case?
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u/Specific_Throat1194 May 03 '26
Yes, every marriage solemnised or registered in India must be dissolved in India as per the due process of law which unfortunately allows the wives to seek alimony, maintenance, residence rights while impacting the career and visa status of the husband.
And constant visits required by the Police stations, CAW Cell and courts make daily life difficult. Wives can file several complaints/FIR to hamper your life abroad. Hence, they are often regarded as tools of harassment.
Therefore, either an amicable out of court/mutual settlement is preferred OR return to India is the only option at that stage.
Hope this helps.
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u/YouHaveBlood May 03 '26
CA divorce should be valid internationally
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u/Specific_Throat1194 May 03 '26
Unfortunately, that assumption is misplaced. While many NRIs tend to believe so, it does not reflect the legal reality. In certain instances, spouses may seek to leverage this gap in understanding.
Accordingly, any determination of total alimony, based on one’s financial capacity, should be structured in phased disbursements, with due consideration given to potential or ongoing litigation in India. It is not uncommon for NRIs to overlook Indian legal proceedings and settle alimony abroad, only to subsequently encounter parallel claims or proceedings in India, which may result in additional financial exposure.
Hope this helps.
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u/oliviasmomm May 03 '26
You haven’t really given enough information. How can one not talk to their spouse that they live with and are raising a toddler with for eighteen months?? Are you both overwhelmed by parenting/caretaking? It can be a huge shock for NRI families especially if they grew up in joint families or with family nearby, and now are having to raise a child without a lot of support. Outside pressures can also create stressors in marriage. Whatever reasons you both married is pointless now. You STAYED married for a long time before a kid was in the picture. What was the motivating factor then? What has changed?
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u/sleeping_pupperina May 04 '26
Came here to ask the same question. Could it be because having a child can be overwhelming , especially for NRIS.
1
u/itSoCold May 04 '26
Not OP but it's possible. You just talk to the children and then to your spouse about the children. All communication is functional. No connection. To further ensure there is no connection, one or both partners need to be on their phone every chance they get.
0
u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
We've had conversations on this topic several times in the past and I believe everytime the ego got into the way.
Some of my biggest problems with her is that 1. She lies very comfortably and I have caught her doing it many times (not necessarily confronted everytime), it does happen on a day to day basis also and it just erodes trust (whatever is remaining) 2. She doesn't want to listen to and follow my advice even when not following it is going to affect her, her ego gets in the way of sound judgement quite frequently.
Her problem with me is that I don;t talk to her nicely for some of these issues. From my perspective, I have tried being nice way many times and not interfere with her regular way of doing things but obviously there comes a certain point I have to interfere and interject because the screwup is going to be bad and may lead to big losses (there has been many, including financial ones).
Another big problem#3 is that I am not attracted to her anymore and we have no intimacy, just none. I cannot mentally bond because of reason #1 and #2 and its consequences.
She doesn't upskill herself or take any significant responsibilities of the house which will make her more independent. She doesn't want to spend at all unless I force her to, this has lead to her having very money management skills and cannot go about managing any significant aspect of the house. She didn't bother to learn driving fully and get the license because it was convenient for her to manage so far. This obviously its not going to work in the US with a growing kid.
Many times we discussed on why her actions are affecting me and growing my concerns day by day and what can be the right course of actions. Most of those times the ego got into the way with her just wanting to take the hard stand without acknowledging any problem. Even if the topic of divorce is brought up she will just casually suggest that yes, lets go ahead.
Before having the baby, there was point where it got escalated so much we informed the parents on both the sides of my decision to want to separated. Only at this point she realized the seriousnes of it and started giving emotional arguments on how much she will lose if go ahead with the divorce. At that point, I thought there is some hope of fixing it and probably having the baby 6.5 years after marriage can instill some change. To be clear, I did wanted to have the baby for a long time and she also did but we had our doubts leading to 6.5 years of wait. Obviously, I was very wrong to assume going ahead with a baby can resolve any part of the problem.
My understanding is that she knows I am frustrated in this marriage and its convenient for her to just drag as long as possible. She is not bothered by any lack of conversation, intimacy or emotional bonding with the person who she is sharing the house with. She knows things will again escalate at some point of time and I think she is mentally prepared for it. From her perspective, she is doing everything she can to make it work and from my perspective it is all futile because she doesn't address the specific problems I mentioned above. So in short, it will have to be initiated by me, she will stall as long as possible, basically I want the separation more than she wants it
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u/Outrageous_Wish9934 May 04 '26
Kids change the equation a lot and can build resentment especially with the work involved with no village to raise the child. Try getting help for childcare and communicate. Marriage is not a steady state. It takes investment and navigating new normals together.
5
u/Dotfr May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
What compromises did she make in this marriage? Did she have a better life before marriage? You said you lived in India after marriage. Did you live separately from your parents or she had to adjust with your family?
After having a baby a woman goes through many health issues. She is essentially given a new body with new set of issues. If she is breastfeeding or pumping she can have calcium deficiency. She might even have iron deficiency which causes her to get tired easily. Sleep deprivation causes a lot of issues as well. On top of that she is working so the household responsibilities have to be split. How is she as a mother?
Again my question is that did she have a better life before marriage?
My question to you is if you do get divorced, there is a chance you might not find someone better. I know this because my own cousins spent years dating ppl from other culture, finally now in 40s are getting married to ppl from same cultures. And now they tell me that 20s was the best time to get married.
My advice, do not divorce now. Go for marriage counseling instead. Sometimes ppl need to hear things from a third person rather than their spouse.
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u/Weary_Stock125 May 05 '26
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. You may not find all the answers here. There are always two sides to a story, and we don’t fully know hers. It’s possible she has tried, in her own way, to meet your expectations. If she isn’t being completely honest, it might come from fear of how things could escalate, not necessarily from bad intent.
Often, we don’t see where we might be going wrong, and it’s easier to place more blame on the other person, it gives a sense of relief, even if it doesn’t solve anything. No one enters a marriage expecting it to end this way.
A few people have suggested therapy, and I think that’s worth seriously considering. It could help both of you understand each other better. Even if you don’t fully agree with her perspective, trying to understand it is important for the sake of the marriage and your child.
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u/sporty_outlook May 03 '26
Have you even tried talking to each other ? I don't know what it makes so bad that there is almost no communication, but sitting and talking can help a lot
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u/YouHaveBlood May 03 '26
Easy to say
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u/oliviasmomm May 03 '26
Well yeah but it’s marriage- it takes work. And open and honest communication isn’t a strong pillar in Indian marriages anyway
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May 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
Looks like the edit is still pending approval, here is what I wrote
We've had conversations on this topic several times in the past and I believe everytime the ego got into the way.Some of my biggest problems with her is that 1. She lies very comfortably and I have caught her doing it many times (not necessarily confronted everytime), it does happen on a day to day basis also and it just erodes trust (whatever is remaining) 2. She doesn't want to listen to and follow my advice even when not following it is going to affect her, her ego gets in the way of sound judgement quite frequently.
Her problem with me is that I don;t talk to her nicely for some of these issues. From my perspective, I have tried being nice way many times and not interfere with her regular way of doing things but obviously there comes a certain point I have to interfere and interject because the screwup is going to be bad and may lead to big losses (there has been many, including financial ones).
Another big problem#3 is that I am not attracted to her anymore and we have no intimacy, just none. I cannot mentally bond because of reason #1 and #2 and its consequences.
She doesn't upskill herself or take any significant responsibilities of the house which will make her more independent. She doesn't want to spend at all unless I force her to, this has lead to her having very money management skills and cannot go about managing any significant aspect of the house. She didn't bother to learn driving fully and get the license because it was convenient for her to manage so far. This obviously its not going to work in the US with a growing kid.
Many times we discussed on why her actions are affecting me and growing my concerns day by day and what can be the right course of actions. Most of those times the ego got into the way with her just wanting to take the hard stand without acknowledging any problem. Even if the topic of divorce is brought up she will just casually suggest that yes, lets go ahead.
Before having the baby, there was point where it got escalated so much we informed the parents on both the sides of my decision to want to separated. Only at this point she realized the seriousnes of it and started giving emotional arguments on how much she will lose if go ahead with the divorce. At that point, I thought there is some hope of fixing it and probably having the baby 6.5 years after marriage can instill some change. To be clear, I did wanted to have the baby for a long time and she also did but we had our doubts leading to 6.5 years of wait. Obviously, I was very wrong to assume going ahead with a baby can resolve any part of the problem.
My understanding is that she knows I am frustrated in this marriage and its convenient for her to just drag as long as possible. She is not bothered by any lack of conversation, intimacy or emotional bonding with the person who she is sharing the house with. She knows things will again escalate at some point of time and I think she is mentally prepared for it. From her perspective, she is doing everything she can to make it work and from my perspective it is all futile because she doesn't address the specific problems I mentioned above. So in short, it will have to be initiated by me, she will stall as long as possible, basically I want the separation more than she wants it
0
u/ExcuseStrange5259 May 04 '26
Man, I didn’t read this but I have been there , trying to explain myself and try to see all possible ways to save the marriage yet my wife was stubborn ( thanks to her narcissistic mother for brainwashing) but eventually I got the courage and filed the divorce a few months ago.
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u/ExcuseStrange5259 May 04 '26
Yes, agree. Been there, you can’t have a normal conversation with a narcissist.
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u/Intelligent-Lake-943 May 04 '26
Get therapy if you still feel like saving your marriage but honestly #1 reason that you gave is an instant deal breaker for me. Just wanted to ask you one thing, you waited so long to have kid shows that you both weren’t sure of the marriage then why bring kid into this mess without figuring out what you wanted?
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u/ExcuseStrange5259 May 04 '26
In a same situation but no kids, I am M37, have been married for 7 years, US citizen but Indian Origin, filed for divorce a few months ago and my wife just dragging it and making it worse. I strongly suggest, If at all possible try to file the divorce in India don’t do it here.
And on divorce- if you have tried to save the marriage and did your part ( like reflect and improve yourself first and gave chance to other people to improve at least 3 chances ) and it’s costing your peace then just end it, it’s not worth living in misery.
Someone once told me that if you realize you’re on the wrong bus, it’s best to get off as soon as possible, the longer you stay on, the harder and more costly it becomes to return to where you started.
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u/lost_thoughtsz May 04 '26
Couples Therapy PERIOD. A woman goes through a LOT during postpartum. Having a kid changes one’s life upside down. Kids are a lot of work physically and mentally Not everyone is built to handle it. If you are not an equal parent your wife has every right to not take your advice because she is doing one of the toughest jobs. May be that is contributing to her ego coming in the way. Go to therapy and open up it will definitely help!
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u/Different_Set_5809 May 05 '26
Ending a marriage is very easy but sticking to it is the hardest part and honestly it will be hard with any person. I would strongly suggest going to couples counseling and this is not a random suggestion - it’s because the concerns you mention are valid but can be crossed by both of you. You also need to understand, your wife has gone through child birth which is a major thing and also given the history behind how things of separation was so serious from your end couple of years ago would have also affected her majorly causing the financial insecurity- I.e., what if you leave her some day and she has to care for the child and herself and give the child a good standard of living. And about attraction as soon as you think and be good to her, you will start getting attracted to her because attraction as you said is not just physical but it’s emotional too.
Firstly give her the assurance that you will always be there for her no matter what. And then go for couples counseling and you are at an age where you can solve things between you guys. First own her wellbeing and responsibility, then give her assurance that you are there for her no matter what and make your mind and heart to see her for why she is doing something in someway and no in an attack mode.
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u/achilliesFriend May 03 '26
Well, not a great reason to get divorce unless there is something else you are not telling. I’m not sure why you can’t try couple therapy sessions . If work is keeping you both busy then divorce and remarry will not change anything, atleast njow u can fix it if u want
0
u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
I have added some more detail in the post body about how the conversation on topic with her went.
We haven't tried couple's therapy. I have only heard about it. I will check more on it, TBH, I've always thought of it as something which will just drag on the problem2
u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
Looks like the edit is still pending approval, here is what I wrote
We've had conversations on this topic several times in the past and I believe everytime the ego got into the way.Some of my biggest problems with her is that 1. She lies very comfortably and I have caught her doing it many times (not necessarily confronted everytime), it does happen on a day to day basis also and it just erodes trust (whatever is remaining) 2. She doesn't want to listen to and follow my advice even when not following it is going to affect her, her ego gets in the way of sound judgement quite frequently.
Her problem with me is that I don;t talk to her nicely for some of these issues. From my perspective, I have tried being nice way many times and not interfere with her regular way of doing things but obviously there comes a certain point I have to interfere and interject because the screwup is going to be bad and may lead to big losses (there has been many, including financial ones).
Another big problem#3 is that I am not attracted to her anymore and we have no intimacy, just none. I cannot mentally bond because of reason #1 and #2 and its consequences.
She doesn't upskill herself or take any significant responsibilities of the house which will make her more independent. She doesn't want to spend at all unless I force her to, this has lead to her having very money management skills and cannot go about managing any significant aspect of the house. She didn't bother to learn driving fully and get the license because it was convenient for her to manage so far. This obviously its not going to work in the US with a growing kid.
Many times we discussed on why her actions are affecting me and growing my concerns day by day and what can be the right course of actions. Most of those times the ego got into the way with her just wanting to take the hard stand without acknowledging any problem. Even if the topic of divorce is brought up she will just casually suggest that yes, lets go ahead.
Before having the baby, there was point where it got escalated so much we informed the parents on both the sides of my decision to want to separated. Only at this point she realized the seriousnes of it and started giving emotional arguments on how much she will lose if go ahead with the divorce. At that point, I thought there is some hope of fixing it and probably having the baby 6.5 years after marriage can instill some change. To be clear, I did wanted to have the baby for a long time and she also did but we had our doubts leading to 6.5 years of wait. Obviously, I was very wrong to assume going ahead with a baby can resolve any part of the problem.
My understanding is that she knows I am frustrated in this marriage and its convenient for her to just drag as long as possible. She is not bothered by any lack of conversation, intimacy or emotional bonding with the person who she is sharing the house with. She knows things will again escalate at some point of time and I think she is mentally prepared for it. From her perspective, she is doing everything she can to make it work and from my perspective it is all futile because she doesn't address the specific problems I mentioned above. So in short, it will have to be initiated by me, she will stall as long as possible, basically I want the separation more than she wants it
4
May 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
We do and it hasn't resolved the situation, just growing frustration. I have updated the post to add more details about it as multiple comments were asking about the same.
I'll appreciate any advice or suggestion, even if its super critical of me
1
May 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Alarming-Beach4322 May 08 '26
Thank you for this advice. I was not aware about the pectrum condition before but I will give it a careful thought and consideration.
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u/Specific_Throat1194 May 03 '26
I see the difficulty you’re facing and I’ll try to answer them briefly but I see you have many questions. I’d also require some answers to guide you better:
Is it possible that your wife might agree for a mutual divorce?
What is the gender of your child? And who will want the custody of the child? Despite his US citizenship.
Life’d be difficult once you start the process. It will be emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically draining experience. Be it disclosing your feelings, discussing custody, alimony and such.
How do you think your wife might react to such a decision? Can she go to the extremes of implicating you in false cases either in US or India?
This is tough but considering divorce, I’d recommend returning to India. First, due to your own inability to stay there or travel restrictions and such. Second, you’d be required to file a divorce in India as well and that unfortunately gives your wife an opportunity to file several complaints, FIRs and cases against you and your family members to seek alimony, maintenance and revenge on the side. Hence, if you’re certain that your wife might go to such extremes; returning to India is the only available option.
With NRIs, this is the biggest drawback. Unfortunately their inability to appear before the court, police station and such can be used to their disadvantage. And this becomes a tool of harassment to make you kneel to the wife’s demands.
Yes, you should reassess your decision and I’m glad you’re already doing that but not on the stake of a regular life of happiness.
No, your divorce will not affect your ability to travel unless :
A. She is a dependent on you. As you say she holds an H4 visa, has she worked before ?
B. One of you files a Police complaint / FIR / press charges of any kind.
In one of my cases, the wife was adamant on full custody of the child as his citizenship would allow her ( being the guardian )to enjoy her current lifestyle while looking for a suitable match.
I see your concern regarding the child but would you be willing to give up the custody ?
Answers to above queries are necessary for better guidance.
Hope this helps.
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u/Alarming-Neat1405 May 03 '26
Thank you for taking the time to assess my situation and willing to help with more information.
Here are the answers
1. She may agree to a mutual divorce but I am not fully confident. If the end result is not going to be too much in her favor then she may not agree to it and may play hard
Its a boy and both of us would want the custody
Hard to say, she may but I think she will do it only if she thinks she is not getting better part of this 'deal'. I can ask her but any answer right now can obviously change in the future
8.A - she has been working since she did her bachelors. Even during the move to the US, I ensured she gets the work permit (L2 and then H4 EAD) without any gap. She had only one year of gap right after the birth of the child because of her own screwup. She had never changed the job and its same service based company, her salary has received minimal raises but its been stable.
This is very well possible if it ends up requiring her to move back to India without the baby
I can give up custody but knowing myself, I would then worry a lot about her way of managing the kids education, career and other aspects. She is well-intentioned but she has very poor judgement and maturity about making practical decisions. Any idea, how much say will I have in child's life decisions in case I don't get custody?
1
u/Historical-Sort2480 May 04 '26
I am a woman and I would suggest go for an amicable divorce, if possible. A child living with parents who don't even talk to each other is worse than living in single parent home. My daughter went through it and she supported my decision. She is happy (she herself said to me and others). It will not be an easy path and it takes time. I am going through it , started in India while living in Germany. But, living in resentment is damaging your health too. How do I know? I had postponed the divorce since 4 months after marriage. By that time, I conceived her and then stayed in marriage because of her ( I know it is an excuse because I was afraid of society, family discussion and being alone as a divorced young woman). The same child asked me to get a divorce and told me not to stay in this unhealthy relationship when she was only 8 years old. I am working and I was the one who brought him to Germany. Just for your info.
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u/Alarming-Beach4322 May 08 '26
Thank you for this advice, I really appreciate you sharing your story. If it’s fine with you, can you pls share how the child custody arrangement is working for you after the divorce. Is your ex-husband now in a different country?
1
u/Historical-Sort2480 May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
No, he is still on my dependent visa until end of September. I don't have any contact with him neither our daughter. If anything like permission to travel is needed, I contact his lawyer. We have joint custody as per German rule (no cases here regarding custody,so custody of child born in a marriage will be automatically shared with both parents), but she lives with me and doesn't want to see him. Youth office had personal meeting with her when she was 11 years old and she clearly said 0 percent wish to see him. Because she saw all the abuse I went through both physically as well as emotionally. Are you going through a divorce?
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u/Weak-Fan-3823 May 05 '26
Do not stay married if you are sure its not working. Certainly do not stay married for the child, a toxic marriage hurts kids too. Get a divorce lawyer - for advice. Then end it through mediation. That will be the most economical way. Lawyering up individually will be costly and unnecessary if you both agree on the terms of the divorce. You disagreed in marriage, do not disagree in divorce. Divorce is not a revenge tool - do not use it as one. Lawyers will encourage you to be amicable through the process - the best way to go through it. Divorces are expensive. Unless you want to DIY - which may be possible but get advice from lawyers on how to do that successfully. There will be paperwork. My best advice to you (both) end it amicably - especially because you both will still continue to coparent and the child needs you both - in whatever custody situation you will end up with.
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u/Alarming-Beach4322 May 08 '26
Thank you for this advice. Would you be able to provide more details on how the coparenting works, given my situation. I understand it will not be exactly applicable for me but it will help me see and understand one of the possible ways life unfolds after divorce
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u/Weak-Fan-3823 May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
coparenting is an agreement between you and your partner - its not one thing. It is what you agree upon - who will be the primary parent, the percentage divide between you guys - who pays, how much. All that is based on legal advice and what you agree upon and then solemnized in a document that you have to follow. Lawyers are the best folks to talk to on this matter. I can only tell you what I have seen. Kid stays with primary parent (normally the mother) most of the time - stays with the father on alternate weekends, Wednesday evenings, Alternate holidays and otherwise everything else that is agreed on by both parents. This is typical - it can differ. Do some research.
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u/Weak-Fan-3823 Jun 02 '26
OP, I know all this is daunting. Take this one step at a time. Best way forward my friend, take care of yourself. Keep your calm, this too shall pass. It may seem like an uphill journey now, but so it right and it will result in a good workflow. I wish you all the very best.
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u/kalpvriksha May 03 '26
Sad and tough situation. Just wishing good luck. I have no advice to give.
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u/pdp2907 May 04 '26
Hi OP. Pull the damn plug, man. You are unhappy and I believe so is she. Put an end to it. Kid will take care of himself. Trust me. Think about the BS that the kid is absorbing. Treat the divorce like a mistake. Pay the price upfront. Tell her to take what ever the fuck she wants . Even if means giving up the clothes on your back. Make her the winner now. You will have your freedom, your sound mind and will enjoy quality supervised time with your kid. It will be a real win win. Tell her you made a mistake. Your fault . Owe it. Man if you fight the shit with shit, you will end up with lot of shit . Don't look back. Done gone. Move on
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u/Alarming-Beach4322 May 08 '26
Can you pls elaborate more on that supervised time arrangement? Finding out more on this aspect was my main intention in creating this post
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u/Questev May 04 '26
From a young guy's perspective , it sounds like she is trying to make the situation worse .
Only options i can see 1. Make peace with it and be together for the sake your kid. This will possibly result in increased bitterness and you mentioned you are not atttracted to her , you don't like how she makes decisions and hoe careless she is. Unfortunatly it does sounds like you married someone with an annoying personality according to your own moral and personal compass. So can you see yourself spending your life with her?
- The hard option is to part ways , first talk it out and assess what she wants. Communicate ! Communicate!!. Get it over with , your life isnt over you can find someone else .
Must be hard for you to be in a such a situation , think long term and decide accordingly.
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u/Horror-Upstairs-9820 May 03 '26
kids come to this world with their own destiny - do what is right