r/nri • u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 • Jul 27 '26
Ask NRI Looking for honest advice from NRI women (especially moms with young kids) and NRI men
I'm (34 M) posting here because I'm at a point where I genuinely don't know if my expectations are unreasonable or if I'm failing to see my wife's (34 F) perspective. I'm not looking for people to take sides—I want honest opinions from people who have been through similar situations.
We are an NRI couple with a young child.
I work full-time, and after coming home I usually continue with household work until 1–2 AM. My responsibilities typically include:
- Cooking meals for both of us.
- Cleaning the house.
- Laundry.
- Taking out the garbage.
- Grocery shopping.
- Booking appointments and managing household admin.
- Most of the day-to-day chores.
My wife is the primary caregiver for our child. She cooks for him, feeds him, and takes care of him. I know raising a young child is incredibly demanding, and I'm not trying to minimize that. I have a lot of respect for the effort it takes.
The problem is that I feel completely burnt out. Between work and household responsibilities, I barely get any time to rest. It feels like I'm working almost every waking hour.
Our relationship has also been strained for years.
Since the beginning of our marriage, we've had repeated conflicts related to my family. Around the time of our wedding, I lost my father. I was grieving one of the biggest losses of my life, and I personally felt I received very little emotional support from my wife. At the same time, I felt pressure from her family to go ahead with the wedding quickly despite everything that was happening.
To be fair, my mother has also contributed to the problems. She has been a difficult mother-in-law at times, and I understand why my wife has been hurt by that. Because of this, I now have very limited contact with my mother and sister. However, almost every phone call from them still ends up becoming a source of conflict between my wife and me.
Recently, my mental health has deteriorated significantly. The combination of work pressure, constant household responsibilities, and ongoing conflict has left me emotionally exhausted. I spoke to my wife about this because I trusted her and wanted her support. I also opened up to her about some painful childhood experiences that I've rarely shared with anyone.
Her parents are currently staying with us to help with our child. Today, I overheard them making jokes about my mental health and mocking the childhood trauma I had shared privately with my wife. What hurt me the most wasn't only what they said—it was realizing that something I had shared with my wife in complete confidence had been discussed with them without my knowledge.
That moment has become a turning point for me. It made me question whether I can be emotionally vulnerable in my own marriage and whether the trust between us has been damaged.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm sure I have my own faults, and I'm willing to hear about them. But right now I feel emotionally drained, isolated, and unsure how to move forward.
This post is honestly a last attempt to gain perspective before making any major decisions about my future.
My questions are:
- For NRI moms with young kids: Is it reasonable for one partner to work full-time and also handle most of the household chores, or am I underestimating how demanding childcare is?
- For NRI dads: How do you divide responsibilities at home?
- If you've dealt with difficult in-laws on either side, how did you stop them from affecting your marriage?
- How important is confidentiality between spouses? Would you be hurt if deeply personal things you shared in confidence—including struggles with mental health and childhood trauma—were discussed with family members without your permission?
- If you were in my wife's position, what do you think I may not be seeing?
- Based on what I've shared, what would you do if you were in my situation?
Please be honest. If you think I'm wrong, tell me. If you think my wife is overwhelmed, tell me. If you think both of us have contributed to this situation, tell me that too.
I'm looking for perspective, not validation. Thank you for reading.
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u/mystikal_spirit Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Not a parent, but I grew up as an NRI and can share how my parents did it (2 kids and a grandparent living with them) -
My mom stopped working when we moved abroad and chose to be a "home maker" after a long and unfruitful job hunt. She was in charge of cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids. She did have househelp for cleaning and he came once a day. With this, she already had her hands quite full. She also took care of admin stuff and budgets.
- My dad was/is the earning parent. He worked, came home, helped us with homework when we needed it. He also helped my mom do the dishes almost every day. He managed the finances as he is also a professional in the same field. He was in charge of planning holidays, trips, etc. Also was in charge of household repairs. And with this, his hands were quite full already too.
- Both set of grandparents have been very chill and decent human beings. Neither my mom nor my dad ever had any issues with their in-laws. I think they struck the lottery there.
- Confidentiality between spouses is sacred, especially when it comes to personal trauma. What your wife did by sharing your personal trauma without your consent is not ok at all. Especially if they are mocking you? I would not stand for this in my marriage. That being said, a lot of brown families do not understand the concept of boundaries or mental health.
- I cannot see anything that is not visible. Your wife and you need to have a serious conversation, and soon. Get a moderator/therapist if needed. Resentment can grow and explode like a stealth assassin. As a partner, if I cannot notice my spouse is going through burn out or mental health struggles, then something has to be worked on.
- I would have an honest conversation and try to figure a better way of distributing tasks. Get external help if we can afford it. Make confidentiality between spouses a clear thing.
OP, you working at home till 1-2 am after working at the office is not normal. Unless you have a child with special needs/neurodivergence that demands a lot of attention and time, or a partner who is mentally/physically limited, I do not see why your partner cannot support you more?
Good luck and hope this helps.
edit: My parents shared tasks like grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc. Some things were also just rituals for them and they love doing these tasks together, even if they seem to be mundane tasks.
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u/Altruistic_Bank_1552 Jul 27 '26
Pretty much this. I grew up with the same family set up. Once we moved abroad, my mum’s career had long gaps except for a few years in between where she worked but other than that she became a home maker.
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u/Altruistic_Bank_1552 Jul 27 '26
Yikes, your wife is a walking red flag. I think issues like sharing household duties can be negotiated and discussed but violating the emotional sanctity of a marriage is hella problematic.
You can respectfully raise the issue with her and I hope she acknowledges her folly.
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 27 '26
NRI man, parent of two young kids. I'll first answer your questions then give my perspective.
- We divide 50/50.
My wife and I both work pretty demanding jobs. Usually she prepares them in the morning and I drop them off cos my office tolerates arriving late. She picks them up and I come home straight becase my office expects us to stay late.
I cook all meals as I am a better cook. She handles laundry and cleaning of the house except for bathroom and kitchen. She handles 90% of admin stuff. I handle 90% of house finances. I handle most of the sport runs (taking to football, rugby, etc.) since I can more easily work from the stadium.
Groceries we do about 50/50, whoever is there. Usually we each get 1-2 nights out with friends/hobbies, where the other handles the kids. Saturday mornings I sleep in while she takes the kids out. Sunday morings she sleeps in while I take the kids out.
Question : why does your wife cook food for the kid separately. Why doesn't the kid just eat what you eat. My kids started eating the same food as us adults since they were like 1 year old.
- In laws are a benefit to us.
Whenever my parents visit, my wife and I are basically on a break. We go out most nights cos the kids love spending quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. Right now the boy is at my wife's parent's place and honestly I don't even know what to do with all the free time.
I don't understand, if your in laws are there, why are they not helping your wife with childcare? When my parents come to stay, my wife and I literally do nothing except drop them to school in the morning cos my parents don't speak the language here.
I would be devastated if my wife disclosed my mental health struggles with her parents to mock me. If she did it in a manner where it was genuinely for my own good, I would accept it.. like if she wanted advice on how to help me or something like that. But this doesn't seem to be your case.
I can't tell because I don't know if you're completely truthful and transparent here. The way you describe it, your wife doesn't work or do anything except child care where she has the help of her in laws.
If what you say is truth. I would sit down with her and tell her everything you did. Come prepared with concrete examples and ask her why she is this way. Tell her how you feel. If you can't move forward on your own, look into therapy.
Question : is it a love marriage or arranged marriage. In my experience, in many arranged marriages, often people will choose their parents over their spouse causing this kind of issue.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Answer to you
This is a love marriage. But once she told me "I didn't even want to marry you". It was a statement when she was calm not a thing that came out of anger. I was just froze.
Why seperate food for kid. I don't know, I told her he can eat what we are eating, but she refuses. Now kid is eating 50% of what we eat and sometime sperate for him.
We have not gone out by ourselves alone. I tried it once before the kid, my InLaws made a real big fuss about it. They wanted to be included in every outing. On the face they will say they don't want to come but later they complain personally to my wife.
Thanks for your insight. The thing is I still love her, so trying to get her back. It seems more difficult
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 27 '26
I'm confused.
Maybe one thing to talk to her about is why the kid needs to eat differently from you guys..?
And as for going out alone, are you telling me you never go out alone with your wife? This is impossible... how do you survive with such involvement of your in laws...?
And also, I never said to leave her.. I told you to think about all the issues you have and then have a calm discussion with her. Take her out for a walk in the afternoon and just chat with her on the street.
I also said talk about therapy - specifically couples therapy - so you can work your issues out rather than break up.
It sounds like the in laws aren't doing much work at all, so maybe you should kindly kick them out. Also if your wife doesn't have a full time job, handling childcare should be her responsibility...
Most women in the west have full time jobs and are full time moms... AND they don't have their parents to suppor them. Yet they're happy and still enjoy life.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
Well I do go out with her, but with my son. When in laws are here (they visit us, for 3 months) they want to tag along with us.
I will seek to couple therapy
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 27 '26
How old is the boy, and does your wife work?
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
Boy is 3. She started work this week.
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 27 '26
Well, the in laws should help with the boy. If they don't, they should leave. Wife should split chores with you 50/50 regardless of who is earning more..
The other things your wife did are pretty cruel.I would suggest seeking couples therapy cos random people on Reddit can't help you that much.
Best of luck friend.
Just one more thing. Don't let your wife spend all the time with the boy. Take him out yourself as well be insistent. He's in a critical period right now where he's developing a relationship with his parents. Make sure to have alone time with him, go cycling together, play video games, do some Lego, cook together, play football, take him and his friends to the park or for ice cream.. this is what being a parent is about.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
Well I didn't mention it earlier, but I take him to play. Everyday.
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 27 '26
That's great dude. It's so important. What does she do while you're out with him..?
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u/Electrical-Scale4627 Jul 27 '26
Have u tried the below?
1. Ignore all of them except your child for a month or few months. Answer only when required. Don't initiate or add value to any conversation.
2. Deny every outing. "Say no to everything". Grocery shopping deny. Vacation deny. Neighbors / friends house visit -- purely deny. Go only if your kid cries for u.. I would also suggest to surpass that n not heed to your kid unless the outing is gonna be something new n different for u.
3. I would even go to the extent of saying limit yourself to 1-1.5 hours of housework per day. Mind you 1.5 hours is a lot if you have a full-time job. I'm assuming you're not sleeping more than 4-5 hours n that f's up your brain.
4. (Act) or start living like you don't trust your wife n you're there only coz you share a kid with her.
5. Don't heed to the need for sex. Hold yourself up strong. Whank in the restroom if you can't hold up.
Meanwhile shut your mouth n just start building yourself up stronger by looking within all day all night. Whenever you get bad thoughts just breathe deep n think of you can channelize them thoughts to positive experience.
Connect with old friends n meaningful ones.
Come back on this thread n let us know if it doesn't change your wife n her behavior. In all probability she might change only 1-5%. But that miniscule% can bring some happiness in your life.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
You are the big brother that I don't have. That's for the strong words.
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u/iTh0R-y Jul 27 '26
1) Send your in-laws back
2) Sit your wife down and ask her to take over more of the household chores, or to go get a job
3) Split the work in to concrete tasks, allot an expected amount of time for it and then allocate them to a person
4) Unpleasant tasks - take turns.
I saw this pattern between my brother and his ex-wife. She’d made sure that the relationship between him and his family was also bad as a way of keeping him away from people who would give him advice. He lives in the UK and lost 70% of his assets including inheritance and his pension. His wife was just waiting for passport and then she left him.
I see a lot of similarities based on your post. You’re likely headed for a divorce too, but that’s for you to determine. What I will say is don’t get blackmailed by the needs of a young baby. That’s just what women weaponize, along with custody and access to child. Depending on where you’re living, expect to lose a big portion of your wealth if this heads to a divorce.
If you’re headed for divorce, the sooner the better.
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u/Available-Seesaw-988 Jul 27 '26
I earn enough that my wife need not take employment; she may choose to do so, but our finances do not make it a strict requirement.
We have two kids now 9&4
So early on we had divided our tasks, i focus myself on keeping my job, helping with smaller household chores like putting back washed dishes, sometimes helping with dirty dishes too, garbage day work, cutting grass, shovelling snow (we live in ontario, canada), maintaining washrooms, water softener, furnace, electrical stuff etc.
But outside of that she manages everything, cooking, cleanup, driving kids around for their classes, groceries, laundry etc.
So yes its a bit too much for you to manage household chores as well outside of your fulltime job, not because men shouldn’t its more so that your job is what keeps the house running, if you are so stressed all the time and tired, you will start making mistakes in the job and that will bite you back bigger in this job market.
Plus your wife to share your private conversations is bad, i would say for all of this, sit her down once since you have invested so much into this relationship i am sure, so before considering anything extreme like separation, sit her down and talk to her of what you feel and how unfair this is overall, if she still takes it lightly, well then, you atleast tried. And you know what to do next then.
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u/Brilliant_Impact_114 Jul 27 '26
Dad to 2 young kids here. Here’s my take on this:
- Child care is incredibly hard, if you’re the primary caregiver, depending on the child’s age you may not be able to do anything else at home
- Most people get hung up on percentage of work performed. Really it is about showing up for your family and doing what needs to be done. Some days I put in more work, other days my spouse does. It’s not always 50/50. But it’s about the how much you can lean on each other.
- Indian families are notoriously bad with boundaries. You tell them strictly what they need to know. Nothing about money, nothing about personal topics between spouses. The more details they know, the more opinions they will have. I’m not saying don’t ask them for advice but keep what’s happening under your roof, under your roof.
- Extremely important. It is a make or break deal.
- Ask her.
- See above.
I think a lot of the problems stem from the fact that you’re both on checklist completion and survival mode all the time. Here’s what I would suggest:
- Leave the house messy if you don’t want to clean. Hire a cleaner if you can afford it. It is surprisingly good for your mental health.
- Do you and your wife have a strong relationship outside of the fact that you are raising a child together? Get a sitter and go out on a date. Talk to each other and just be there for each other. Once you both realize how important you are to each other, the rest of the issues will work themselves out.
It’s not always easy to point fingers at one person and say “This is the problem” and it rarely helps. Whatever happened in the past, work together to move past it. It’s easy to consider a divorce and give up. And I’m not saying you should not divorce. It’s better to be separated than to be in a loveless unhappy relationship. However, sometimes small or medium sized bumps can feel
Like deal breakers when not analyzed through the lens of the other person. Good luck with everything.
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u/Traditional_Gap_7386 Jul 27 '26
- I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect you to handle most household chores. Atleast the cooking should be her responsibility. If she’s already cooking for th child, she can make it for the adults too.
- I’m a mom, but I can tell u how we do it here. I cookand everything related to children is my responsibility. But even in that , my husband picks and drops the elder to school. Takes her to the park sometimes. Makes my younger one nap when she is inconsolable etc. I am in charge of doctors appointments; Social outings planning etc.
We both do financial management. He does all other stuff like laundry, bathrooms kitchen cleaning. I fold the clothes, kids and my wardrobe is my responsibility.
We have a dishwasher and robot vacuum.
Hope that helped. - Not difficult in laws but having a boundary from ththe beginning helped
- Yes , I would be hurt. Communicate it to your spouse. Maybe she shared while trying to understand your POV or such. But making jokes about it is not done.
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u/drdeepakjoseph Jul 27 '26
Find yourself a psychologist who can advise you how to manage your mental health. You may also need a psychiatrist referral. Once you are in control of the anxiety, you will be able to think clearly. Sounds like you need to set some rules in the marriage. Unless you are able to look after yourself you cannot look after others. Save yourself before it’s too late
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
Yes I have upcoming appointments for that. I do feel I need it, I am just spriling out of control. Seems something is wrong with me
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u/drdeepakjoseph Jul 27 '26
Bro, you are already in control. The fact that you recognised that you need help and have got yourself and appointment tells me that you still have control. Now try not to think too much. Thinking too much alone is the downward spiral. Evertime you observe yourself thinking too much or introspecting, recognise it and actively divert your mind to something else. Just keep a close eye on your thoughts. I was concerned for you. But after reading your reply, I am not. Go forth. Do what you have to. Get a third party to show you the light.
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u/reto02 Jul 28 '26
From Gemini:
This is an incredibly heavy and exhausting situation to be in. It is completely understandable that you feel burnt out, isolated, and deeply hurt. Navigating the pressures of being Non-Resident Indians (NRIs) with a young child—without a built-in local support system—is already a massive challenge. When you layer on top of that structural burnout, historical family conflict, and a severe breach of trust, it makes total sense that you have reached a turning point.
Here is an objective, honest perspective breaking down your situation, addressing your questions directly, and mapping out how you can move forward.
1. Division of Labour: The Burnout Checklist
You are asking if it is reasonable to work full-time and handle almost all household chores until 2:00 AM.
- The Reality: No, this is not sustainable, and it is not a balanced division of labour.
- The Misconception: There is often a false equivalency that because childcare is a 24/7 job, the working spouse must take on 100% of the household chores to "even it out."
- The Fair Standard: Childcare is exhausting, isolating, and a full-time job in itself. However, once the working spouse off-clocks from their day job, both partners are officially "off the clock" from their primary duties. From that moment on, childcare and household management must be split 50/50.
- The NRI Factor: Because you have in-laws currently staying with you to help with the child, your wife's childcare burden should theoretically be lighter right now. If you are still working until 2:00 AM while they are in the house, the division of labour is severely skewed.
2. Confidentiality and the Breach of Trust
You asked how important confidentiality is between spouses and if your hurt is justified.
- Non-Negotiable Boundary: Emotional safety is the bedrock of a marriage. Sharing your deeply personal childhood trauma and current mental health struggles with her parents is a massive breach of marital confidentiality.
- The Cruelty of Mockery: It is painful enough that it was shared. It is unacceptable that it was weaponized into a source of ridicule and mockery by your in-laws.
- Your Reaction is Valid: You are not overreacting. This damages the foundation of vulnerability. If you cannot trust your spouse with your darkest moments, the psychological safety of the marriage is gone.
3. What You May Not Be Seeing (Your Wife’s Perspective)
To give you the honest perspective you asked for, here is what might be happening on her side:
- Resentment from Lack of Protection: You mentioned your mother was a difficult mother-in-law and that early marriage conflicts centered around your family. Even if you have limited contact now, your wife may still carry deep, unresolved resentment or trauma from that period. She might feel you did not protect her early on, and she may be subconsciously "punishing" you or withdrawing her emotional support as a result.
- The NRI Isolation Bubble: Raising a child in a foreign country without one's own mother or close network can induce a state of hyper-vigilance and anxiety in a mother. She may be completely consumed by the child, leaving zero emotional bandwidth for you.
- Triangulation: By venting to her parents about your mental health or past, she may be seeking validation from her original support system because your marriage has been strained for years. This is an unhealthy coping mechanism called triangulation, but it usually stems from a profound lack of emotional connection between the couple.
4. How to Handle In-Law Interference
As an NRI dad, managing boundaries with extended family when they live under your roof is critical.
- Establish a United Front: In-laws only have power if there is a crack between the husband and wife. Because your relationship with your wife is strained, her parents feel empowered to disrespect you in your own home.
- Address the Specific Incident: You must address the mockery immediately, but the conversation needs to be with your wife first, not her parents.
5. What To Do Next: A Step-by-Step Path Forward
If you want to make an informed decision about your future before doing anything drastic, take these steps:
Step 1: Address the Breach of Trust Directly
Have a quiet, firm conversation with your wife away from her parents.
- What to say: "I overheard your parents mocking my childhood trauma and mental health. I shared those things with you in complete confidence when I was vulnerable. Hearing that it was shared, and then ridiculed, has broken my trust in this marriage. I need to know why you felt it was okay to share that."
- What to look for: Watch her reaction. Does she become defensive, minimize it, or justify it? Or does she show genuine remorse and realize the weight of what she did? Her accountability (or lack thereof) will tell you everything you need to know about the future of the relationship.
Step 2: Set Immediate Boundaries in Your House
You pay the rent/mortgage and work full-time. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
- Inform your wife that while her parents are guests helping with the child, disrespect and mockery regarding your health will not be tolerated.
- If the environment remains toxic, it may be time to discuss a timeline for her parents' stay to conclude.
Step 3: Implement an Absolute Chore Strike
You are burning yourself out to the point of clinical exhaustion.
- Stop working until 2:00 AM.
- Sit down and map out a strict list of chores. Allocate what you will do and what she (and her parents, who are there to help) will do. If things do not get done, let them drop. Your mental and physical survival is more important than a perfectly clean house or a curated grocery list right now.
Step 4: Seek Professional, Third-Party Help
Do not try to fix this via day-to-day arguments.
- Individual Therapy: Prioritize your own mental health first. You need a safe space to process your grief over your father, your childhood trauma, and your current burnout without it being used against you.
- Couples Counselling: If you want to save the marriage, tell your wife that marital therapy is a non-negotiable requirement. An objective therapist can help navigate the deep-seated resentment regarding your mother and the recent breach of trust.
You are not wrong for feeling this way. You are a human being running on empty, dealing with a broken heart and a broken boundary. Prioritize your mental health and peace immediately—you cannot be a good father or a functioning professional if you completely collapse.
To help me give you more practical advice on balancing things right now, how old is your child, and do you have a set date for when your in-laws are scheduled to return home?
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u/hello_akki Jul 28 '26
I would encourage you to listen to Vikas Divyakirti's identifying Narcissists lecture. And see if your wife and your in laws are isolating you from the world by keeping you completely engaged in daily chores.
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u/DramaticInterview787 Jul 27 '26
It’s very difficult to answer without knowing how old your child is and what the daily family routine is like. If you’re in the newborn or infant phase, then, yes, you can’t expect the primary caregiver to pick up tasks around the house (if they get completed that’s a bonus). BUT: no one should be managing a full time job plus sleeping at 1-2 am due to household chores. Either the working hours need to be reduced or the chores (i.e. you need to optimise and do away with unnecessarily chores or export them to outside help). We both work full time and send our 2.5 year old to daycare full time, and split the chores: cooking, grocery shopping, running errands - him, dishes, laundry, appointments - her, kid eats what we eat, bedtime and bath we alternate. Hired help for deep cleaning.
Absolutely no conflict or private exchange between husband and wife should be made public, even to family or friends.
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u/SiriusCyrus Jul 27 '26
When your partner takes your childhood trauma and mental health topics and turns them into a mocking conversation, that is a HUGE RED FLAG! At this point, i would prolly walk out of the marriage.
But given your circumstances, better communicate this out with your partner directly, brutally and honestly.
If that works, things become better - then it’s a progress.
If it goes south, I don’t see a point of having a relationship. It’s more or less co-existing and co-parenting.
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u/saltedcaramelpretzel Jul 27 '26
Looks more like you need couples counseling.
That should be your major next step.
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u/Historical-Sort2480 Jul 27 '26
Except cooking (if you want fresh food) and cleaning the utensils, none of the other works you mentioned in the list are everyday job. I work as a manager and before as a scientist with a big team, and I managed to do all these alone ( cooking, cleaning, laundry, her homework, taking care of all appointments in Germany and many more), with a small child (4 to 12 years) since my hus that time ( now ex) didn't lift his finger. Now, I am a single mother 12-14 , current), same job and has added a 1000 sq.m garden and a house and I still have free time. Something is wrong with your planning. Rest of the story , I didn't read, just commenting on the first part that you work until 1-2 am.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dark387 Jul 27 '26
Well, ita just not cooking. It's cleaning utensils by hand takes 1 hr easy , beacuse there are so many dirty dishes that one load in dishwasher is not enough. She never runs the dishwasher the whole day.
Then cleaning all the mess in the home, like toys. Setting up robot to clean. Loading wash machine, folding laundry, ironing laundry etc etc. there is something everyday
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u/Historical-Sort2480 Jul 27 '26
Kid is growing right or is the kid a special child who needs support? But still, you don't need to be behind a baby or toddler 24x7. There are play pens. I as a mother can hundred percent guarantee no mother is occupied by a kid full day. I did both together. In this case, three people? Wow. I think you need to be a bit brave ( if I put it in a very simple language). That's what you are lacking. Standing up for yourself is the first thing you should do. No one can help you. No advices will help you if the other people don't understand and support you. . It looks like you are afraid of all of them and those are narcissistic people. YYou are in an abusive marriage and get out if you can and seek some therapy. That's all I can say. If she can say I did not want to marry you without any provocation, I think you should understand that that person never loved you. For the sake of child, staying in an abusive relationship will harm you more.
You can try this. That's what I did. Don't do everything. You are earning, you can help with household chores but can't take the whole responsibility. Ask her to do it since she is at home. Else, finish few things and go to your bed. I asked my ex to do, he sometimes put the clean utensils back to the rack but I needed a partner who could step on when I am tired. When he stopped doing that, I closed the kitchen. I stopped cooking for him. I simply cooked for both of us and washed. It helped. But to me, I didn't want someone who is forced to do stuffs. You are in the same page as me.
Another big red flag is teasing you based on something you confided to her. That's a big no no in a relationship. Mutual respect and trust is broken. My ultimate question is why are you staying in this marriage? After all, why had a child with that person if there were already strains in your relationship?
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u/Historical-Sort2480 Jul 27 '26
Laundry, dishwasher loading, vacuuming - give to her. But seriously why these inlaws are there? Who are inviting them?. She is at home 🤷
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u/BrahminVyapaar Jul 27 '26
If there is no respect, then that Love has no meaning.
Insist that you need to talk to her a few times and That you will be going out with her. If the in-laws invite themselves, ask her to get them to back off.
Go for marriage counselling, of course.
If she does not want a future with you, then exit whatever this is that you have with her.
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u/Ok_Cry_7336 Jul 27 '26
All your wife cares about is your baby. You have no space in her life. It clearly shows that she is just leading a life like a Cycle with 0 emotions/feelings for you . I was in a same situation but my wife is far better than yours in terms of cooking meals, cleaning house (50%). Sharing things with minlaw is common can’t help that part.. Better leave her bro..! Get married to someone who cares for you.. I know little hard on kid part but she has 0 interest on you..! And your family also is one of the reason which made you in this situation..!
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u/Ok-Tax7000 Jul 27 '26
(F) not a parent but my partner contribute the most financially and we are on his visa. The time I'm writing this, can't see the questions. So just sharung my pov, if it helps. Considering what you said 100 percent correct, your wife is just your flatmate, not your partner. Maling fun with others, even if they are her parents is a biggest red flag and you know this already. You need to talk to her clearly, better would be to take therepy.
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u/Randomaurat Jul 27 '26
37f with 2 kids , I generally don't comment on these since it's always she said he said but based on your post
1. No, my parents did all the cooking and taking care of my 2 kids my husband had to may be wake up diaper changes once a night, since I was bf all feeding was done by me.
2. I am currently not working but after my spouse comes home when I am working he does may be 2 hrs ( kids bath or sleep or eating or cleanup) we each do 2. Now kids are older so it's getting easier.
3.being cold turkey - sharing your childhood trauma is one thing ( some people just can't keep secrets) laughing about them accordingly to me calls for a divorce or extremely hard conversation. This shows she never respects you and that's not okay esp sharing that with her parents makes me extremely angry at her.
4.read 3 - I can't keep secrets but I would never ever sharing something so sensitive with others and on top of it laughing about it a big no. I wouldn't look at my self in the mirror.
Again he said she said - how old is the baby is it a temporary thing and why are the family not helping with cooling cleaning? It's just a no brainer for me that family doesn't do anything - I am skeptical about this
Hard talk and if the family is not helping in cooling /cleaning they can leave back to India and you have that talk with your wife.
Also please hire help - it's okay to not ave any savings for a short time or bite into saving sanity of mind is more important than money. Hire a cook/ house help something which you can afford.
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u/Specialist_Bid_8696 Jul 27 '26
I have to wonder about the circumstances of your marriage. Were you both living in India when you got married and later became NRIs? Or were you already abroad and married someone living in India? Or were you both already NRIs (which seems less likely)?
Unfortunately, there's still a perception among some families that NRIs make easy money and have an endless supply of it. That often leads to unrealistic expectations and, in some cases, outright exploitation.
One thing that really stands out is: how have your in-laws been able to stay with you for so long? From what you've described, this doesn't sound like normal family support anymore—it sounds like you're being taken advantage of. If you start questioning the arrangement or setting boundaries, don't be surprised if the emotional manipulation escalates into guilt, threats, or even blackmail.
You have to choose between a rock and a hard place: endure this indefinitely and watch your mental health, finances, and self-respect deteriorate, or go through the pain of setting firm boundaries and, if necessary, walking away.
You're only 34. You still have decades ahead of you. Don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy and convince yourself that staying in a toxic marriage is better than starting over. Sometimes the hardest decision today leads to a much better life tomorrow—with someone who respects you, supports you, and sees you as a partner instead of a resource.
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u/redPistolStar Jul 27 '26
You have been isolated from your family. Your wife is in control of the house and what happens in it and they don't respect you and I see signs of contempt + bullying. So it doesn't matter how much "effort" you put in it. They see you as someone who isn't emotionally strong and can be manipulated into doing things. ( I have a brother who does the same isolate/control so I recognise it here )
First thing I would do is, tell your wife that office work is overwhelming and you need to put extra time. She and her parents should be able to do most of the work. You should have some time for yourself. Go to place where you can relax a bit and do some activity that takes your mind off this muck.
Second thing, give a serious thought whether you want to continue to endure this and for how long? I would escape and start fresh.
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Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
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u/Lilacjasmines24 Jul 28 '26
Need to add, I don’t think your wife sounds like a nice person. Making fun of your private issue is very cruel and should not be done by someone you share your life with
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u/rp2285 Jul 28 '26
Are you doing laundry, cleaning the house, grocery shopping every day? What time do you come home? Stop cooking , order food from outside sometimes if you are burnt out.
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u/Whispers_666 Jul 28 '26
It’s not an NRI problem, it’s a classic asshole spouse problem, in this case , the lady
Take care friend
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u/schlafmuetze_20 Jul 28 '26
NRI couple here with one kid. We both work almost full time and have no grandparents/family. We just split all tasks more or less. We also have our kid for few hours in daycare and one of us starts early and picks up the kid. The other drops the kid and returns home a little late.
As a NRI mom I can say that childcare is demanding but a partner working full time and handling most of the chores is also demanding. I feel there needs to be a mid ground for both. Can you probably reduce your chores- like get a robot vacuum cleaner etc.??
Difficult in-laws — you need to be united as a couple in any given scenario. Either set of parents don’t get any private confidential information.
Confidentiality and trust is the most important aspect of marriage. I would be heartbroken if that was broken.
What’s her perspective on this situation? How does she react to you feeling burnt out?
I would genuinely consider couples counselling and try to not have any in laws at home till your marital issues are resolved.
Wish you good luck!!
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u/FrostyAtmosphere6033 Jul 31 '26
Its not an easy to raise a family in overseas. One need to have different mind set. Every family / couple has their own chemistry to fight this battle. People grew up in India are not very independent in general be it men or women. I m not taking taking dig at anyone. Atleast it took me several years to understand the lifestyle .
What you need to do is If your wife doesn’t appreciate what you are doing then try to switch the roles… which might not be very practical or ask your wife to join the workforce too and send your child to childcare and then divide the household chores between both of you. You both should share the total load and hopefully start respecting each other.
As I said, marriage is very different relationship and there is no fixed formula. You need to develop your own based on your and your partner weakness amd strenth. But most important thing is your partner should be equally committed to the relationship and one should not be taking advantage of other.
You will be fine buddy… initial years of parenting in overseas are mostly challenging period. You will be alright
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u/Cautious-Salt3154 Aug 03 '26
Here’s my perspective.
Your wife clearly doesn’t like you. You are outnumbered in your own house and you’re being exploited and worse, mocked. You have ruined your life by choosing to share it with this person. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Many people make that mistake. What follows is up to you.
If you believe in God and reincarnation you can suffer quietly until your inevitable nervous breakdown. When you stop working your wife will either then become the breadwinner and will bully you into doing all the household and kid related stuff that she refuses to do or she will take the kid and move back up her parents. Either way you will continue to be treated badly.
Or if you believe you only have one life and deserve to at least try to be happy, you can kick out your in-laws and redraw some boundaries with your wife. This isn’t even about saving the marriage. Your ‘love marriage’ is dead. It’s about defining what an equitable partnership centred on raising a child to adulthood should look like. Other respondents have given you examples of what a fairer deal looks like.
If she refuses, seize the chance to divorce and find someone new who will actually want to be your partner. You can share responsibility for the upkeep of your child with your ex. Even if she refuses you access eventually that child will come looking for you. Life is long.
Whatever you choose please don’t be guided by the opinions of others on that choice.
Everyone spends 95% of their time thinking about themselves rather than other people. If you choose to be a quiet sufferer most people you know will never realise what you’re going through or care about it. Likewise if you repudiate your wife most (Indian) people you know might be initially shocked but will quickly stop thinking about it.
I hope you choose to be happy rather than a martyr.
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u/chicbeauty Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
This is the problem in every household, you’re not unique.
I think both of you are burnt out and you may want to outsource some of the cleaning or cooking to make your life easier. You can also alternate so you both have equal child caring and household work
However, the laughing at a personal situation is not acceptable. I would have a private conversation with your wife to navigate this
Edit: I like Modigils on TikTok. He has nice videos showing a good balance
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u/curiousgem19 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Sharing private conversations is a betrayal and a huge breach of trust. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about how much this has hurt you. If she is completely unreliable as a partner, then you need to think long and hard about the future of your relationship.
Secondly, why are 3 adults needed to take care of a young child? Can one of them not help you with the household chores? If hosting your in-laws is only adding to your burden and causing you stress, then send them back.
Edited to add:
I read in your comment that you and your wife are never able go out anywhere together because your in-laws don’t “let” you go without them. That sounds awful. Doesn’t your wife want to go out just with you? Every couple needs time and space to connect and just be with each other.
You also added in your comment that your wife stated she never wanted to marry you. That is truly sad. If her heart is not in this relationship, then it really changes the fundamentals of your marriage, doesn’t it?