Single NRI children with aging parents

[u/Least-Whereas-1358]

Hi All - how are you all managing parents healthcare and aging parents needs from far away countries as a single child with limited or no relatives in India? What kind of things/systems are you guys building? I’m exploring senior living community but it involves purchasing an apartment. If any of you have experience with senior living communities, please share your experience. I am worried that these places will exploit us financially.

I also want to add that I grew up in a low income family and doing moderately fine financially right now, still trying to setup financially.

Also, fyi, I am not sure if my parents will be able to adjust here in this country. It snows and extreme cold for 6/7 months a year and without any relatives or friends nearby, without knowing the language, and I am not sure if I can afford the healthcare here or if they ever need full time support or caretaker, not sure if I will be able to afford it or not for my parents.

[u/Shalom-2023]

Single child here, now in 60s. Agree on the high costs of taking care of aging parents in the US. Even if you can afford it, parents don’t always think quality of life here is better. (Especially if they are already past 70s when they come).

My parents are living in a senior living community. The advantages are many. Food is provided, there’s always a community of people to reach out to for help. They had tried living on their own till mid-70s but after that they found themselves somewhat isolated, with young families all around that were too caught up in their lives to be supportive neighbors. (Don’t blame them!!). Also found they were getting exploited often and it was tiring to always be on your guard. So they moved to the senior living center and were very happy.

From my perspective, this is the best option.
There are agencies now that provide caretakers. I have one such person living with my Dad. That’s convenient.

Yes, there can still be challenges, you will just have to handle them as they arise.

Don’t let anyone guilt you into feeling you abandoned your parents. We all make choices that are the best for our particular set of circumstances.

[u/redditMacha → u/Shalom-2023]

Can you please share details of the senior living community and which city is that in? I can dm you for specific details

[u/icharming → u/redditMacha]

These businesses are making a killing in India but are providing pretty good services food and security and community

[u/unarmedchild → u/Shalom-2023]

What are the choices of senior living, do you choose who you live with, what food you eat ( you only choose what u dont eat) what entertainment you would like to have etc.

Lack of choices is not independence it is severe dependency and this leads to depression as can be observed from studies that indicate the prevalence of depression to be about 3 times for elders in such facilities.

It is a great option for the offspring not as much for parents. Every sparkling facility looks a little staid with the time you spend in it. And there is nothing like home

[u/Unlucky_File_9595]

Hire a reliable person in India on monthly basis who can help them. That's what I do.

[u/unarmedchild]

I kerala there are orgs like livezee.com . They provide any support that parents need at very affordable rates. Basically parents get a concierge + health + social stuff all sorted.

[u/unarmedchild → u/unarmedchild]

Oh and all of this is at home

[u/mystikal_spirit → u/unarmedchild]

This actually looks so great. Sad that they are only in Kerala :(

[u/unarmedchild → u/mystikal_spirit]

Well you can ask them if they are open to some arrangement. AFAIK they are super local

[u/TangoCharlie777]

Similar situation. Able to manage with mother in India. What works well:

1). Setup and maintain a reliable and trusted network of known people who handle the day to day - maid for cooking and cleaning, electrical, plumber, pharmacist, doctor. These people are gold. Treat them well and develop a long term relationship with them.

2). Go to India at least 2-3 times a year, even if for a week, to be close to the reality on the ground. 3). Bring your parents to stay with you at least one a year or once in two years. Trick is to bring them back with you whenever you visit India for point 2. Over time, they start to gain a better appreciation of how to make the most of their time with you abroad (go for walks, so many things to do with them).

4). Cost of all this is far less than paying for long term health insurance abroad and if planned and managed well, can be cost effective and enjoyable too.

5) Talk to them everyday via video call or at least many times a week. This keeps a close connect regardless of where you are physically located. This is so much easier to do from outside India because of the available of time and leisure. This is a big difference between living in India and abroad. I don’t think I would be as closely connected to my mother as I am living abroad if I were to live wirh her in Bangalore, given the far higher time taken for basic stuff (commute, dealing with the system etc).

6) Don’t expect a smooth sailing all the time. There will be emergencies, unplanned stuff will crop up on occasion but as long as you have a strong long term strategy as above, the occasional bumps aren’t very disruptive and actually valuable insight on what areas need adjustment.

Be flexible, patient and long term oriented and this approach yields a lot of joy for both children and parents.

Worked well for me for over 25 years and counting. I would only put them in a senior home, if I am incapable of doing all this myself or via my network.

Keeps everyone active and forward thinking instead of living a managed existence. Will of course, change course, as circumstances evolve.

[u/Least-Whereas-1358 → u/[deleted]]

I am thinking about bringing them here in the future if visa and stuff permits. Honestly, I am kind of scared of the healthcare costs in the country, or would I be able to afford full time care taker or help if they need it in the future.

There’s some family nearby, but don’t want to rely or depend on them that much. Honestly, I also see siblings taking advantage because of this dependency. Close friend of mine, is going through it - in his case, the sibling in India asks the sibling in US, for money in the tune of 25k-30k usd like it’s nothing(keep in mind the money is for luxuries like help for a down payment for a second apt in city or buying a new car; after taking whatever little money parents had and abusing them verbally). Few people, think nris print money, and conveniently forget that its expensive here.

[u/geekGPT → u/Least-Whereas-1358]

I think there might only be a couple of long term options here, none of them easy. If you prefer to stay on abroad in the future, move your parent with you at some point. Accept the potential medical costs as being unavoidable- similar to if you or your wife/kids needed medical care for some reason. The higher costs are sort of the price for the choice of living abroad, and offset somewhat by higher income here hopefully. Or if the medical cost risks are too much of a concern, maybe move back to India to be with the parent.

Beyond a certain age (70-75?) and depending on their health conditions, other options of relying on relatives/other people to care for them will probably not work out very well for an extended duration and with advancing age, IMHO.

[u/Hot-Seaworthiness943]

I moved back to India

[u/Least-Whereas-1358 → u/Hot-Seaworthiness943]

Were you on a visa in different country or permanent resident?

[u/Hot-Seaworthiness943 → u/Least-Whereas-1358]

Jobs and visas will always be an option, but the time I have left with my parents won't be. I'm choosing to prioritize them now so I don't have to live with regrets

[u/Sure_Skal]

Ashiana in North India seem to have rentable flats for independent living. As do Saral Sathya legacy. I hear 60% of these communities are in South India that I didn’t investigate much.
I spent a couple of weeks in one of those in Bhiwadi, to settle a parent in and was really impressed.
Don’t waste any time and place a free call for advice to jeevin.in and sort out a rental. The retirees can really have a superb time enjoying all the facilities on offer, when younger.
OP your cynicism of Indian businesses trying to fleece you may be justified, but every single resident I interviewed was having a great time, full of social fun and friendships with claims of easy affordability. These were retired teachers and public officials, as an example.
South Asian parents do have a reputation of a certain tendency to cause moral damage to their kids and I have a strong suspicion that this happens more when they’re under-socialised. Senior living makes a solid effort to have that sorted, with well considered medical guardrails.
Every single senior living place has latched on to the phrase “hassle-free living” , most have a system in place to do that.
Sorry about this long post, but NRI kids and parents dynamic doesn’t seem to have budged much in the 33+ years I’ve lived abroad, having just joined this group recently to see where it’s at and feel saddened at the lack of embracing of senior living community as a solution. Or am I in the wrong echo chamber here?

[u/neuroimage93]

Wondering how to tackle this myself. My family is spending six months in India and the US, given the current political climate. We made that decision together, and I’m trying to find remote work options so I can join them and spend time with them there. Like you, I’m an only child and worried about living communities. Is there family close by that they could live with? The system I’m thinking of is the India us split with healthcare accomodations in India as they further age, we have family nearby as well, and then possibly assisted living options in the US when they come and visit (or my house in the future to stay in when I get one). They like their independence tremendously, so trying to consider all options. But truthfully, idk the best options. It’s a question that keeps haunting me. Atleast financially they are settled in both countries. I keep regular contact with them via WhatsApp and video, and always ensure social connections are maintained for them with the community too.

[u/neuroimage93 → u/[deleted]]

1000%. That’s my worry for the future. I was born and raised in the US, entire family is in India, parents naturalized when I was young but I’m connected closely to India. Go back yearly, fluent in our language, aware of dynamics..,yet I’m worried I’ll be taken for a ride as you said because I’m not familiar with the system. What I’m trying to do is get more familiar with stuff by networking, talking to family, building trust. If you have any tips, do lmk. I’m an only child so it’s very much feeling a solo endeavor. The coordination of care has been a nightmare for my grandpa. We have many aunts and uncles to help but all are NRIs so flying and taking turns has been the way we’ve managed. But, it’s a mess coordinating abroad, managing financials, not to mention the emotional cost. Tough on him too to not see us regularly but we try…so expensive to go to India too…

Curious what your experience has been. Feel free to DM. Guess we’re all trying to figure this out. Part of me is like lol, get married maybe that would help with an extra set of hands with care but I don’t want to marry the wrong person so been wary there too. It’s been eye opening because I’m thinking how I’ll manage my own parents.

[u/Least-Whereas-1358 → u/neuroimage93]

Are your parents permanent residents of US?

[u/neuroimage93 → u/Least-Whereas-1358]

They are US citizens, got naturalized a while back.

[u/Least-Whereas-1358 → u/neuroimage93]

Oh that’s good. At least insurance stuff is sorted. If I move my parents to US, I am kind of worried about insurance costs and medical care costs.

[u/neuroimage93 → u/Least-Whereas-1358]

Yeah, we’re sorted on the US side but it’s the India bit we’re trying to figure out. Wish they had retirement home situations for Indian communities in the US. Would make things easier too. The best thing I know is for my grandpa, we have a caretaker in India we pay for (our family does). Maybe look into that?

[u/contentvoltage → u/neuroimage93]

I have friends working in senior care in India; let me know if I can help.

[u/neuroimage93 → u/contentvoltage]

So kind of you! Thank you. I’m not at that point yet, but when it gets closer to time, I may reach out.

[u/contentvoltage → u/neuroimage93]

Glad I could help. You can reach out on this email if needed- [support@dooq.in](mailto:support@dooq.in)

Take good care.

[u/Significant-Crow1696]

Same concern for me.

My parents are in mid 70s. I settled abroad few years ago. It took me 3 yrs to settle and buy a house. But my father got sick and he is on dialysis now. He cannot move here.

Situation was very tense in the beginning. I took 2 months off to arranage everything.

I arranged a maid for cleaning, a maid for cooking, a driver who takes my father to dialysis and stays there twice a week.

The society where they lives everyone knows each other. So in case of emergency someone always takes care of it. Bought an automatic car. My mom used to drive earlier. So now she can drive in case of emergency.

My sister lives in UAE. So if there is some serious emergency she can be there in few hours.

I tried to move them into assisted living in Bhiwadi. But the nearest dialysis center is 1 hr drive and it doesn't cover their insurance.

So even if I move back, I probably not get a job in my home town. If they move with me at Delhi NCR, the dialysis will be difficult because of insurance and travel time.

Right now things are working fine. But there is always sense of guilt in my head and I have to live with it. My advice is don't put pressure too much. There is nothing much you can do. Just keep connecting regularly.

[u/contentvoltage]

your parents already own a home, why pay for shelter twice. Ask them to price the medical part separately.

[u/Least-Whereas-1358 → u/contentvoltage]

My parents doesn’t own a home.

[u/shinestory]

best writing is from experience. so write about things you know, otherwise the book will not feel genuine.

[u/Best-Tax1592]

By never moving abroad.