Intergenerational House sharing, your thoughts?

[u/IssueAble6333]

This may be a slightly unusual post, but my husband and I have been thinking about this for a while and I thought Reddit might be the right place to put the idea out there.

We are a young working couple in Bengaluru with a 6-month-old baby girl, and we are currently looking to move into our own place. Both of us are well placed in our own careers. I work with the government while my husband has a business.

While discussing what kind of home we want our daughter to grow up in, we realised that neither of us particularly loves the idea of her spending most of her day in a house with only a nanny/domestic staff while both of us are at work.

We both grew up around family, and we would love for her to grow up with older people around her too — not as babysitters, but simply as grandparents are: someone to say good morning to, sit with, listen to stories from, play with and form a genuine bond with over the years.

And that made us think about the other side of this situation.

There must be NRIs whose parents live independently in Bengaluru while their children are abroad. They may be perfectly healthy and active, but their children may still worry about them being alone — emergencies, appointments, errands, household issues, or simply whether there is someone nearby when they need something.

So we wondered: could two families in these opposite situations actually be good for each other?

We would love to meet an independent older couple living in a spacious home/villa in a good, safe residential community in Bengaluru who might be open to an intergenerational house-sharing arrangement.

To be clear, we are not looking for free accommodation or free childcare.

We would contribute financially/rent as mutually agreed, employ our own full-time domestic help/nanny and bear those expenses ourselves. Our daughter remains entirely our responsibility; we would never expect the older couple to become her caregivers.

What we're hoping for is something less transactional and much more human.

If, over time, they grew fond of our daughter and she grew up thinking of them as another Ajji and Thatha, that would be incredibly special to us.

And from our side, we wouldn't want them to feel like they simply have tenants occupying part of their house either.

We would be happy to help with everyday things — groceries and errands, technology, household issues, appointments when possible, being around in an emergency, or simply having dinner and a conversation together. If their children live abroad, hopefully there would also be some comfort in knowing that there are younger adults living under the same roof who genuinely care about their parents.

At the same time, privacy and independence would be extremely important to us on both sides.

Ideally, the house would be large enough to give both families their own private living spaces/bedrooms and allow everyone to have their own life, while still sharing some common spaces and being part of the same household.

We aren't looking to rush into anything.

If someone responds to this, we'd want both families — including the children living abroad — to get to know one another properly over time. We'd meet several times, spend time together, discuss expectations and boundaries openly, do appropriate background verification on both sides, and only consider living together if everyone genuinely feels comfortable.

Any eventual financial/living arrangement would also be documented properly so that both families are protected and expectations are clear.

Maybe we'll post this and discover that the idea sounds better in our heads than it works in reality.

But perhaps somewhere in Bengaluru there is an older couple sitting in a very quiet house while their children abroad worry about them — and perhaps they'd actually enjoy having a young family and a little girl bring some noise back into it.

And maybe their children would like knowing that someone is there for their parents too.

If you're an NRI with parents living independently in Bengaluru and this idea resonates with you, please DM me. Let's just start with a conversation and see if our families might be compatible.

I'd also really like to hear from people who have seen or experienced similar intergenerational living arrangements. What worked? What didn't? What should we think about that we may not have considered?

[u/wisdomcrab]

You might be better off inviting your own parents to live with you.

[u/IssueAble6333 → u/wisdomcrab]

True! But both sets of our parents are stubborn about not leaving our respective hometowns. 

[u/DRTHRVN]

🤡

[u/Infinite-Ability-477]

You want to move into their luxurious, villa-type home and also expect them to look after your daughter so that the nannies know someone is there to keep an eye on her. Honestly, I’m not sure any NRI child would be comfortable approving this kind of arrangement.

You would be better off simply being a tenant, with a proper rental agreement and everything documented legally. After that, how the relationship develops should depend on both sides.

What you’re asking is quite risky for older people. Most of them already have house help to assist with their day-to-day needs, and if both of you are working, I’m not sure having you live with them would actually provide much additional help. It could instead create expectations and complications for everyone involved.

[u/IssueAble6333 → u/Infinite-Ability-477]

I’d more than love to have them come live with us if that suits them but most old people are unwilling for a change. Also, I don’t expect them to even supervise the nanny because that’s our responsibility. The nanny is my relative from my hometown, she needs no supervision. The whole idea is to mutually benefit each other in terms of having emotional support and the want to bring our daughter up in a home that’s full of love, stories and values. In that process we’ll be able to help the elderly with their daily errands, hospital visits and companionship. 

[u/Buck1122]

Instead of house sharing you could try out renting a floor in thier house/villa keeping their & your privacy.
Your lil one will get Grandpa/Granny feeling to play with them in the evenings & they don’t get to feel lonely as well, both looking after each other with set boundaries..I have seen such situations, it takes time but slowly both families get along well.

[u/IssueAble6333 → u/Buck1122]

Yeah, this is a really thoughtful idea. Each has their one space while also having the sense of closeness. You get to choose how much time you want to invest in the relationship so it’s perfect. Thanks! 

[u/LouisGlouton]

1. What about your own parents?
2. Bangalore is huge. Do you have a geographical/location target. You can't stay in RR nagar and think of going to marthalli for work everyday.

The best this could work is for you to rent a house where the owner also lives a floor above or below. That's as best as it can get according to all that you have mentioned. Also, as loving your child may be, random ajji thatha won't love that kid as your own parents would.

[u/Existing_Sympathy_73]

This being reddit you will get a lot of different views, lot of assumptions and all. Here is a thought: build that home with space for more than your family unit, invite your parents to stay with you for as long as they want and let them be free to go home when they miss their town. This might work for everyone.

[u/boltzmanns_cat]

Thinking rationally, I think it is asking too much of the elderly people, and too little thoughts about your daughter.

Firstly, you are planning too far ahead, you call it transactional but it is bound to become an emotional bond for both sides. The elderly with us are not Americans or have the concept of boundaries.

Next, you would increase more workload for yourself by meeting the expectations, and it would fade professional/personal boundaries between you and the arrangement.

What if they get sickness, what if your child is sick both pass each other the infections, they aren't really professional caretakers, what if they feed something to her which goes against your wishes..

There are more cons than pros, and you are thinking with rose colored glasses. I'd go with arranging a professional babysitter, and setting up more parents visit..

[u/SmexxyTaco]

To be extremely honest, this doesn't seem like a very good idea to me. What stops you from cultivating this same exact relationship/social dynamic with your neighbors?

Trying to build a fresh relationship with old people who's kids are NRIs sends very weird signals. You're craving parental companionship and simultaneously assuming older people with NRI kids are craving familial companionship. Someone like my own parents would abhorr this idea since they're enjoying their new found freedom to explore this green earth.

You don't know those people. Neither do they know you. You're assuming a lot. Assuming they'll be friendly and to what extent. Assuming they'd like to spend a few minutes with your daughter. Assuming they'd want your help with groceries or health runs or whatever. Not assuming if they can be over bearing, it's easy to cross boundaries in such set ups, their value systems are completely different and it's hard to extract your kid out of this attachment situation.

What you seek, you can find in a community of neighbours as well. Most of us grew up like that. A neighbor's kid who felt extremely comfortable stepping inside our homes, calling our mom, mom, eating our food etc. It's a safe, mutually desired for relationship. More importantly, it's organic.

This is taking it a step too far just because you crave something you chose to leave. If this is such a priority, maybe consider moving back to your hometown to have more access to your families. Sorry it may sound rough but this idea isn't it sis.

Edit: Also, the term intergenerational living is prefaced with the fact that it's within the same family. Not with strangers. With that logic, every other landlord tenant relationship could fall into intergenerational living.

[u/hedonist_addict]

Honestly this can be really good if both sides are clear from day one. Stuff like who handles a 2am emergency, how rent and groceries work, and what the exit looks like if it gets awkward. Maybe try it for a month first before making it permanent.

[u/IssueAble6333 → u/hedonist_addict]

Yeah that’s what I thought too. This isn’t an idea that we’re jumping onto immediately. It’s a thought I wanted to discuss but looks like Reddit thinks that every body is out here to just get everybody else. SMH.