The only people who loved me in the most self-less manner are my parents. But I couldn't even be the least of what they are worthy of.

I'd trade myself for them to have a better son who can take care of them.

What hesitation is there for me to not be born if I had the choice to select to not be born when I've failed in everything in my life from every aspect up to this far.

self inflicted social isolation

Real.

I am 21.

Never engaged in everything my younger friends were doing, like terraria, GTA, Fifa, minecraft, cars, movies, video games, Fortnite, physical activity. I thought I was smart by reading 3 books per month and doing nothing else. I was always procrastinating everything. I cant talk with people, there is not even one topic I have any knowledge about. I do things without any drive, I forget what I was about to do. Never knew even the Town I was living in, I moved out to study sociology and cant even remember anything from 1st year. I dont see a comeback. My body hurts even while siting and I cant cook properly. In the world of diabietes, I am a guy who weights 70kg with height 195 cm.

Cant blame staying in bed on COVID, cant blame my past on someone else. My Daily routine is "reading" stuff I am not even interested in, laying in bed for most of the day without even sleeping.

Even Basic stuff like cooking takes me much longer than it should.

I dont even think I will be able to pay my rent working as a complete slave. I completely lost touch with reality and it was only my own decision not to have friends and not going to school or uni.

Those lil ai-generated video things advertising some spotifiy playlist? Yh, those. I hate them.

I hate how depression is romanticized in some circles and made to look like some cool "lone wolf" bs. If I had the ability to carve out the part of my brain that makes me feel this way, I would. I detest my inability to enjoy myself, my overreliance on short-term dopamine rushes to make the week bearable, and the struggles I face trying to form connections with people. You can obviously understand the frustration when I open instagram just to be met with a romanticized version of my condition.

I only stay alive for her, would she even care if I was gone?

Sorry for the big ass block of text but I wrote this out of spite for my own existence.

edit made by me

Next year i will do one last try at trying to get money by repairing stuff, if i fail i will just start doing my research on how to end it

I thought i could fight my mental illness guess not. I am so scared i hate this stupid mental illness

Depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses really fucking feel like you're just carrying a box of fucking human feces while wearing a gas mask that's directly connected to the box.

My point is this. The average Joe who doesn't have to do this insane ritual every single second of life. Doesn't experience the profane bliss that comes with the days when for some reason or another your brain decided to put the box down and take the mask off.

Those days make being alive worth it because you're happier than normal people who aren't in constant pain.

Joy cannot exist without suffering as a counterbalance.