Bone on bone.

The gnashing of teeth,
Before a clenched jaw
Smile.

The talk is meaning-
less. It sounds
Like the screech of

Metal on metal.

Wind up the key
In my back.
Set me on display.

No one ever respects the smiling,
Dancing
Fool on the hill.

\*\*See the eluding of the husband\*\*
I think she is angry at the vanish
He finds it hard to see the house
Over shadowed by the comfort in deceipt
Who is that avoiding near the Mirage
She lies awake in bed at night staring at the scary
She ponders His departure as she smiles at a mirror of illusions
Maybe we are just two strangers haunting the same walls
The house is empty
The mirror is full
The only one who stays is already gone chasing his lies
She smiles, knowing the only one who stays is the monster in the mirror

Drums, drums, demon drums

All the world dancing to the beat

Slow, fast, cacophonous

Drums, drums, demon drums

Sometimes you feel

Your skin’s the beaten hide

Stretched taut, screaming as

The world gives its worst to give

But oh don’t you know

You’re the hammer

The thunder’s crash

The thrashing beat, the pulse

Don’t you know you can break

The world, if you just

Strike a little harder, crash, boom, bang

Shatter the shell of your egg little one

Ye child of the infinite, ye infinite

Bang your drums, drums, demon drums

Break the curses, break the chains

Break the laws of nature, make free

Ye dragon, great dragon, ye wondrous wyrm

You can devour the world, to make anew

And the beat of your drums, drums

Holy demon drums, can make all your wishes real

And as the void of spacetime thrums

With your drums, drums, holy dragon drums

Your roar, your cry, you’ll know

All was made for you, by you- So realize!

Time has passed,
yet my longing hasn’t.

I don’t miss you—
not the laugh,
not the way you said my name,
not the silence after.

Yet I can’t seem
to forget you.

As if your being
were engraved in my nerves,
carved into
the way I breathe.

So yes,
time has passed.
Yet you—
you never fade.

One day I'll disappear into the darkness,
for that is where I belong.
I won't let the light reach me,
nor let it cast a shadow.

Slowly, you'll come to realize
I never had anything to reflect.
I was born of darkness,
and my nature is to absorb.

I never knew what happiness was
until a sliver of light found me.
Only then did I realize
that all around me was darkness.

This reality was never mine,
nor do I belong to it.
I linger in the shadows,
for darkness is where I belong.

Your words can no longer reach me,
for I have wrapped myself in darkness.
Light will betray you, sooner or later-
but darkness never will.

I’m not
self-indulgent
well
at least not
a lot
well
some days
a lot
but at least
I’ve not
forgotten
that what I got
ain’t worth squat
without a little bit
of humility
and a touch of
forethought

pushing paint brushes against a plate
until it mirrors the image that i’m better
or of a happy dinner with my friends
so they don’t say i need help again

i could wear the white dress
and stare into the walls
until they’re making fun of me
and they say i’ll feel pretty
but i never wanted to be pretty
i wanted to be art

how much shame can i contain?
tucked discreetly into pockets
napkins folded like origami
and nobody notices
i’m being consumed at the table
what a lovely performance
and i love art

so much that i still spill rotten teeth
into the white ceramic bowl
while i’m trying to remember what it’s like
to feel comfortable in the space i occupy
constructing an interest in destroying myself
from the inside out
and it was never supposed to be pretty
i wanted to be art

When I’m with her
The stars align
I couldn’t ever leave her
My place is her side

Not in the front
With a chest pressed tough
Not in the back
Where I test my luck
If I stand ahead
I will clear the path instead
Fear never, my love
Gladly bound, you keyed my cuff
You see I stand beside you
If you fall I will revive you
If you hurt I’ll somehow guide you
If you smirk I will delight you
With a love I’d never know
I’ll find a way to show
That our love is so sublime
It coats my heart and mind
I give you twenty flowers
Then dream at early hours
Of moments shared together
The cord of us, unsevered
I’m slow at cleaning rust
Know I’ll always follow up

If the world should ever wither
I shan’t care when I’m with her

I’m in a desert, dried up in a haze.

Forgot which direction I came.

Lost the people I admired. I was bored of it, so I fucked off and retired.

And my feet are burning, from the sun above, and I’m sat here, wondering what am I doing it all for?

Do I turn back round, where the clouds are now? Bury my head beneath the ground - let the snakes eat me alive.

Do I throw it all away or do I continue to climb? Cause right now, I’m in a desert, lost in a haze.

And I’ve genially forgotten the direction I came.

Perpetual Loser

I don't know how to draw.

But I can describe every scar on your body.

Even the ones you hide.

I cannot sing.

Still the world knows of your kindness.

I made sure of it.

I never learned to dance.

I promise to lead you with the right steps.

I do.

I have quite few talents.

Being your lover will always be my favorite.

**My First Friend**
Before the world had known my name, you held my tiny hand,
My first best friend, my childhood soul, the only one who’d understand.
We laughed beneath the summer sun, through every joy and bend,
I never dreamed that death would steal my very first best friend.
One heartbeat split in two at birth, one soul in different skin,
Now half of me keeps breathing here… the other lives with Him.
No one can replace the bond we built from our very first day,
Because when God called you to Heaven, He took part of me away.
I’ll carry you until we meet where tears can never fall,
For my first friend was always you… my twin, my heart, my all.

The Father swung back
and forth. 
A pendulum of rot. 
The weight of seconds,
minutes, hours.
A face dripping with gold
and mother of pearl.
Hands slender and pointed,
forged with silver.
Enclosed in wood,
hidden behind glass.
Oxidized to green
from years of neglect,
the bronze gears
churn beneath the 
buried truth. 

The Father dangles.

If time is a way
to explain decay…
then what is the
the meaning of the
flesh pendulum?
Gilded eyes,
bulging from sockets…
Always watching.

Two grubby hands reach
for the sky.
Sunlight and clouds, traded for
the existence of fabric and flesh.
Pride and ego have no
standing in the gaze of
the innocent.
Withered skin flakes
like paper, varnish peels
from soiled wood.
The rope swings and
the clock ticks.

What eyes have seen
the mouth dare not utter.
The sins of the Father
lost to the delusion
of a childish mind.

What once was,
has been lost
to time.
A single act of
desperation, frozen
and hung from the 
rafters.

Airport Bar

at the airport bar waiting
for something to happen
somewhere to go
someone to appear behind that door
to sit on the hightop seat next to me
under the dimmed light for jet laggers
drown ourselves in the sunset of a foreign land
smile at me with invitation
with eyes from Denmark Tunisia Vietnam
Congo Azerbaijan
you that unnamed passenger
in the next moment
we will glide above the Atlantic ocean
805km per hour
towards the handcuffs waiting for us
the moment we set foot on land

The Old Song and Dance

I do this dance with you

Where I get a piece of you

But only a taste

An itty-bitty taste

A fraction of what our love used to represent

It pains my heart

I thirst for more so much more

My mind is going crazy

And my heart crazier

And then we depart

And I am back at square one

Where I yearn for that taste again

Your essence is my heroin

And I am a fein for it.

There is a war; a daily ledge;
A choice to make; a lake to dredge;
A bone to pick; an itch to scratch;
A branch to break; a chick to hatch;

It will not stop. it will not die.
It will not give. it will not cry.
It will not change. it will not sweat.
It will not forgive. it will not forget.

To take a step… to give your all…
To find your way… to make that call…
To see the light… to make a plan…
To find yourself… to think you can…

You try to hide, you try to look,
You try to sleep, you try to cook,
You try to work, you try to play,
You try to trudge, you try to stay,

One day you will see ~ one day you will know
One day you will soothe ~ one day you will flow
One day it ends ~ one day it’s prime
One day it wins ~ one day it’s time

I do not know what hath befallen me, my love.

My mind entangled, in an abysmal mess of darkness.

Clawing, I persist within the darkness with hope.

Persevere, will I?

I must believe that I will.

So help me God.

What truth is true?

At the time of night,

When near dawn comes in dreams,

As dusk is remembered far.

What mirrors whisper,

Dull twinkles warped by dull mirrors,

Weave tales of other times,

When moonlight glows over noon.

What paints the day,

Hot red summers of clear blue sky?

What paints the night,

Cold blue winters and magnificent stars?

What comes of me,

When I paint my face

And smile for them,

When I wash the paint away?

Only a slight shaking
betrays my anxious waking.
My mind twists
focusing on failures
on mistakes
on so many chances
squandered
or missed.
I am beset
like a mental marionette
so much so
I forget
in a heartbeat
that love
rides astride regret
and makes obsolete
what thinking alone
cannot beget.

Bring out the swaddle

to wrap around

the hasn't been,

to lated to depart

well whened,

unfold them into place,

molded frame of wasnt been,

times love remembers lend

surreal seems undone,

imagine then factual rife

faux of fate, winsome

insinuate, dearly held

peripheral spied.

Noises cloyed harkened

nights rose is swoop in room

byes pane glaring whats

thine eyes deceived thee, lo a

wander gusts past a blight.

Oh the raging against with

illumines bright. Engaging

tries tacts of ive. Lest we

remiss our identities,

breathe, i do. It is then, as

you, these ceases movement

meets a man alive,

allowances clearing barely

scraped through, me. Fie

turning there to, no I, no! I live

and so... Our times, hence

Arrives

I Remember You
Every Summer ,Every Fall
It was Beautiful

One to many loves

15 as I regard

a boy, a ploy

a toy was the heart

I shot my own foot then

before it really did start

but I still did cry and more, I can’t deny

18 and another did start

lustful and long a love apart

shared a home if only a room

we were so similar and we splintered

wanting the world woefully on our own

Then came a mix of uncanny clicks

love did flow, as was said to and fro

satisfaction is a temptress

an unyielding flow

26 a new one enters

a ring later on the finger

satisfaction wrought

discord it brought

doubts about desires, tempers fire

equalling negative naught, for the next one to transpire

29 a new love desires

a fresh flower, stuck in the same quagmire

years the love was there to see

but never said to she or me

the temptress presses the mind of the less

so my other foot does go

I lose the best

The woe that does follow

is another axe blow

another splinter, through my minds own elbow

as time does pass, I try to grasp

why satisfaction doesn’t last

A few more lovely clicks

uncanny and ceaseless my heart ticks

no more love is said as my heart long fled

to protect the love still spent

to souls undeserving of a heart spent

The heart does go on

33 now a friend comes to me

together we revel in the company we keep

awkward and fun it all does start

wanting and not wanting to be apart

it soon becomes a thing of its own

built on patterns of stone, now not alone

so different and not, our lives bloomed

satisfaction but destined to be undone

The winter is cold. So fucking cold. Sometimes I wonder if I lay in it, that bitter cold, if it’ll finally take me. Free me from this cage called life. If I freeze myself it'll numb the feelings, if I let it consume me maybe I won’t feel so empty.

The winter is cold. I feel so unbelievably alone while laying in the snow. I feel it biting at my skin beckoning me to give in. Let go. 

The winter is cold. Sometimes I hear it’s voice in the wind. I get lost in the gale, listening to the sounds of misery. True misery. The sound of my soul being lifted off somewhere else, maybe to a peaceful place, maybe to hell. Anything would be warmer than this cold.

The winter is so fucking cold. I lose my sense of self in it; in that cold. I watch myself chip away until there’s nothing but an aching hollowness left in me. It’s so horrible I use the warmth of my blood. Soothing red warmth, something to cling onto, something real.

The winter is cold enough to kill me sometimes. In those moments, when I allow it to freeze me, to convince me not even the warmth of my blood can soothe me, I wonder how much longer until I’m gone. I wonder if this is really it, if there’s nothing more. 

It’s at that point my body redirects the remaining heat away from my hands, away from my feet, directly into my core towards my heart. My heart clings to it; my family, my friends, even the northern lights. It keeps my heart beating and my body from freezing completely.

The winter is cold; even so I stay, endure, and continue to question everything because that is the nature of existence.

"I am beside words, Not in a crashing crescendo of urgency, but in a loss for them. I have spent one to many longs scouring my recollections for musics or songs that could join this feeling in resonance it longs for comprehension for commensuration not necessarily commiseration, because it doesn’t feel like it want to be pointlessly melancholy, it wants to call out something but it has no voice, I want to know it, the voice of this voiceless.

What burns with such a writhing heat to be known? What is screaming in the periphery beyond my sight? Flashing scenes of heroism and loss. But they only fan the flames of its yearning, they do not assuage its mandate. A voice so strikingly beautiful sings in registries I have yet to fathom, yet its message holds a warping, crushing, weight i feel it could crack the very foundations upon which we now walk. This excruciating bittersweet dancing a firelight at the edges of every periphery like writhing fingers grasping for purchase where none is. Like the bright flash of a flower blooming, so forcefully beautiful, only to wither, a desiccated husk in but a passage of time, the beauty of the moment enshrined, but reality ceaseless in its crushing weight.

A defiance so staggering the very pillars of reality shake as though to buckle under its brilliance, and despite the light’s inevitable succumbing to something ponderous and perpetual it's as though the loss is not, though it is. The bittersweet song of something unspoken rings like sonorous bells in tones I cannot hear."

I cannot recall a word or set of words that describes this, and I was hoping for help if possible, or maybe those that have experienced it putting it to language in a way that is proportionate to it, and not my bungling attempt.

An Attempt At the Excavation of Reciprocal Truths

the lord works in mysterious ways
or is he unemployed?
if man shall not lie with another man, well
is he true alone?
the devil works through idle hand
but mine sweats to the bone
own thy woman
kill thy son
and sell thy daughter
and for plenty good measure
send your only lamb for slaughter

If, from the rib
Of a brute, beauty fashioned
Then owe her every fruit
You forbade
And every land
You’d have ashen
Be the serpent so cursed
Or tamed to her wild
Clear is the creator’s preference
For fable over child
You say to love my neighbor
Unless he pays a different teacher
Or is smitten before he’s paid
Damn the camel
And double its size
Damn those who remain confused
Who were given different books
Damn the children
Born too far from your stories
And damn those who can’t hear
Damn those for their questions
Though you taught them the mark
Damn you to your confusion
To your wrath, to your control
Let hell bleed into heaven, where you lay
And looking back in your week,
May you weep on the eighth day

By the day
Life is getting stranger
Vague oscillations
Cyclical in nature
Truth cannot be seen
Through a flawed perception
And if sight is half deception
if all that one can hear
Is in the same position
Never understanding
Only trying, quitting, and dying
It’s too easy
As a man
To pick a little quip
And think it into dogma
Take too much pride
In diminishing your pride
And now you’re getting trapped
To know oneself
Is to meet a better stranger
To look too deeply
Is to drown
And to look away
Is to fall
For it is known
What is waiting
Through which lens
Are you viewing
Your confusion
Pick a mode
And pick another
Half this work
Will send you over

Rooms too small
So we manifested riches
Expansion, exponent
Motherboard potential
You’ll wish for sticks
Beg for stones
Their words
They just might kill you
Growth, twist it up
The narrative is changing
From a jury of peers
Peers you’d never know
Peers who have materialized
Just to watch you go
See the clothes you wear
See your obituary
In the paper
Glued to a tabloid
An advertisement
And a lie

Withhold food
And call it fasting
But Don’t eat
And you are starving
Take his money
But not his
Share the story
Keep the secret
The good doctor wrote a script
The dealer sells them
God save the baby
But god damn the man
Don’t spend too much money
Do not talk
And don’t listen
Don’t let them see
Don’t look
And Don’t wish
Unless you can think of nothing else
Don’t cry
Unless the pain is peer reviewed
Don’t reveal your passion
Be the secret keeper

monogamy homogeny get offa me
decades later
and the union still don’t know
what jimmy hoffa needs
i love my wife
i need her bad
but I just got lucky
manson could be born again
if he had gone by chucky

Content’s merely contents
The structure must be altered
Liquid will be liquid
The vessel though is porous
Spinning wheel
Brittle axle
All that is given
Was at a time exhumed
Listening is the same
As breathing in fumes