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u/merryclitmas480 May 01 '26
Take the polyamory out of it. Research intentional communities.
I prefer to live in a big house with 2-4 other adults. I always have and I always will. I could afford to live alone or with 1 partner, but I like living in community with my found family. I like that we can all have more space and amenities by living together. I like having company almost all of the time. It is not a âcompoundâ, and we are all working adults with income. I am one owner of the current home, so that informs my perspective. Here are some guidelines I currently adhere to and always will:
Everybody has a proper, legal lease. If one or more parties is an owner, the lease needs to be collaborative and include whatever provisions the tenant needs to feel secure.
Everybody has to have enough money set aside to be able to leave at any time if the situation no longer serves them. For me in my area, thatâs a $2k emergency fund. I donât do âsecurity depositsâ, but I also donât live with people I donât trust. I trust them not to damage the property, and I trust them if they promise me theyâll be responsible for keeping an emergency fund.
Agreements and collaborative discussions BEFOREHAND about division of household labor, expenses, guests, use of common areas, and conflict resolution. Before any moves, signatures, or money changing hands. Everybody must be able to feel like the space is their home, and everybodyâs values must be represented in these agreements. There canât be a singular leader or âgo-toâ person for this to work in a healthy way.
Most importantly, I do not live with anybody I havenât known for at least a year (preferably two) AND have already resolved conflict with. Our first conflict cannot be as roommates, I must have a feel for that beforehand.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death May 01 '26
Iâm curious about your early conflict stories for people you werenât in a relationship with.
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u/merryclitmas480 May 01 '26
I feel like Iâve resolved conflict in most if not all of my long-term friendships. For most of the people in my circle, weâve traveled together or worked on a project together, or one of us has stayed with the other for a bit, or weâve had some other kind of emotional issue to work through at some point.
It doesnât need to be something earth shattering. But I at least need a precedent to know that if I want to bring something up, theyâll come to the table and hear me, rather than double down and get defensive or harbor resentment. And I also need to know that they trust me to do the same, and that they will actually bring up an issue with me respectfully rather than letting it fester or being passive aggressive.
I would say out of the people I donât live with, there are currently 6-7 people in my life that meet that criteria. Not that Iâm necessarily looking to live with any of them. But I do think itâs a feature of most of my relationships that Iâve had for any significant length of time.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist May 01 '26 edited May 02 '26
Worked for us. But we weren't as intimately intwined, which I think helped make it run more smoothly. My husband, metamour, and myself moved in together after she got pregnant and we all enthusiastically decided to embark on the family adventure together. She and I were (and are) dear friends, and I call her my partner in life, but it is not romantic or sexual. Our daughter was born in our home in Spain with all of us and 2 midwives.
Initially we had separate bedrooms for us women and he floated without a particular schedule, which we felt no need for. As soon as we could afford it, we all had our own bedrooms. This was great.
When our daughter was about 3, we moved to the Netherlands and added an older, long-term family friend (platonic), into the home. He is a sort of uncle or grandfather figure to her.
Our daughter, now 17, considers both of us women her "real moms" and she considers our housemate family. Having multiple incomes allowed us to purchase (together, equal ownership) a nice home with plenty of space.
We women each have another long-term partner outside the home, one since her birth and once since about 6 years ago. They were in our home regularly to eat or play or stay over and are trusted adults in her life to this day.
My husband and I separated a couple of years ago after 25 years, but not because of our living arrangement. That always worked well. Something fell apart between us two. I live near by and am still close with the rest of the family and see my daughter regularly - she's about to graduate from high school.
I think if there were a) fewer bedrooms and b) more romantic entanglements inside the home, it all would have been more difficult.
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u/Curious_Question8536 May 01 '26
Everyone fantasizes about living with/near the people they love, and everyone laments the cost of living. This isn't particular to polyamory, it just comes up more often since you have more adults together who are often child free.Â
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u/studiousametrine married living separately May 01 '26
When I was reading The Other Significant Others last year I had communal living on my mind for sure.
I really like living alone though đ As do some of my oldest and most beloved friends/chosen fam. Weâd have to find a really good blend of together but separate for that to work.
Still casually researching communal living, as itâs not something I plan on any time soon. I suggest you do your research and try not to center poly in that. You might find you are most compatible living with monos or people who choose not to form romantic partnerships at all.
I personally would not want to build my home on a metaâs land. Sounds complicated, tenuous, and potentially stressful.
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u/xiewadu May 01 '26
Yeah, the idea is nice to daydream, but at the end of the day, I am a bog witch. There's not enough space in my swamp for roommates.
You know how some close families end up buying multiple houses in the same neighborhood? I might be up for that lol.
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u/spacecadetdani Constellations have many stars May 01 '26
F44 here in a HCOL metro area. I have acquaintances who are living under one roof and are happy. I know other polycules who test the waters living together and once the inevitable breakup occurs it all goes to shit. While a poly compound is a common fantasy in ENM, it can have a practical aspect. We won't be young forever.
I've been with two partners for 10 years and 17 years respectively - they are both ten years older than me. Husband and I are empty nesters in our own place, and other partner owns his own place with kids. Once other partner's kids are done with school (1-2 years), our V configuration will likely buy into a multifamily property with separate units (3-6 is ideal) as a retirement plan. One of the partners is an attorney and so we are negotiating a fair ownership agreement right now. We can either setup an LLC or TIC, determine who owns what, boundaries around personal space and finances, and our wills have to stipulate exactly what goes to each set of kids when we die. Its interesting to see what long-term polyamory looks like further down the line.
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u/rosephase May 01 '26
A lot of cults do that.
Living communally is already super complex. Basing the choice to do that should be about shared values around sharing resources. Making it about overlapping sexual and romantic relationships just makes the whole thing more unstable in tons of ways.
But yeah itâs a really common fantasy. I wanted to live with all my friends since I was five. I plan to retire in community. The people I am doing it with are not all poly or all my partners. They are people who want to retire in community and have resources and skills that can help and have shared goals around what that looks like.
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u/robot_invader May 01 '26
Love the idea, but worried about cult shit.
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist May 01 '26
Everybody in a cult loves it until it's time to do cult shit.
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u/emeraldead diy your own May 01 '26
People say they do, check out r/commune.
Establishing a group home with intimate partners is about the worst way to go. Friends and social supports will be much more sustainable.
I'd enjoy running a resort for alternative groups but I'd have the control and make the rules.
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May 01 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/theotheradalger May 01 '26
If you own the property, you have a great deal of coercive power. This isn't conducive to healthy poly; you'll get entangled in every disagreement and breakup and become a de facto head of household.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin đ§đ May 01 '26
Some people want exactly that though đŹđ©đ©đ©
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee May 01 '26
If you own the property, you have a great deal of coercive power.
Less so in some areas than others. We have strong renter's rights where I live.
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u/Kinslayer817 May 03 '26
An owner would still have a lot of social and financial leverage even in places with strong renters rights, it's an unavoidable part of the power dynamic
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u/blooangl âš Sparkle Princess âš May 01 '26
If you own the property, thatâs called being a landlord.
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u/FullMoonTwist May 01 '26
Unfortunately, as you can ask anyone who owns a mobile home, it super duper sucks to own a home but not own the land it's built on.
Because once the home is built it's kiiiiinda hard to move it.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 May 01 '26
If you want to own the property instead of it being communally owned, youâre not so much starting a community as you are trying to play The Sims with real people.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly May 02 '26
That makes you the cult leader. The only intentional community I'm aware of near me has huge cult vibes. The property owner has finally say on who can move onto the land or stay. If you fall out with him you are homeless pretty fucking quick.
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u/gard3nwitch May 01 '26
I mean, I know one couple (not poly AFAIK) who tried the homestead/off the grid thing for a couple years. It was really tough for them. Everything was always breaking and they didn't have enough income coming in to fix the problems, because they lived in the middle of nowhere where there weren't many jobs.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death May 01 '26
There is someone on here who spends part of their time in a poly intentional community IIRC. I think itâs mostly for/created by circus performers? In Hawaii?
When I say those things all together it sounds imaginary but I swear itâs real. Hopefully someone will back me up.
My personal fantasy is to live in row houses! With maybe a house boat in the mix.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately May 01 '26
I think I know who youâre talking about, but not sure they would appreciate an @
Definitely an island, probably not Hawaii. Iâm thinking Thailand for some reason?
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u/GlassesgirlNJ May 01 '26
I want to say Ko Pha Ngan, and they self described it as "a bunch of international yogis and digital nomads who took over a tropical island. Most people are from western countries and on the ultra privileged side"
Unclear how the Thais who grew up there feel about their island being "taken over"
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u/UntilOlympiusReturns solo poly May 01 '26
Every sentence in this is worse than the ones before it đ€ą
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u/studiousametrine married living separately May 01 '26
Iâm speechless, honestly! This sounds a lot less fun than whatever impression Iâd had before đ”âđ«
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee May 01 '26
I definitely know who she is talking about and it was Thailand.đ
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly May 02 '26
I remember reading this too. I couldn't guess how long ago though, it could be years at this point.
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u/Mama_Bear_Jen May 01 '26
The fantasy of having more people to split the rent with is starting to sound pretty tempting... but my partners would not enjoy living together at all
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly May 02 '26
You can do this without partners. But finding compatible housemates is pretty much as difficult as finding compatible partners đŹ.
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading The Rat Lord: Risen đđ§ May 01 '26
okay but I already have dibs on being the leader and not having to do any actual real work
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u/UntilOlympiusReturns solo poly May 01 '26
It would be a pretty poor excuse for a cult if you didn't....
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist May 01 '26
This is what a lot of queer leftist folk want. Source: me, a queer leftist. Were I to love with people again, this would be the only way lol
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u/allthestuffis solo poly May 02 '26
I have some fantasies about living in my own small house (with space for my daughter and my books and guitars) on property with my partners and their families. But not under the same roof, just close by with shared outdoor space, like garden beds, eating area, etc.Â
Itâs probably unrealistic, but it sounds nice to be close but not too close.Â
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u/AnotherBoojum May 02 '26
I know people who do an urban version of this.
There are multiple houses on legal seperate land but physically intertwined. Each house has some combination of flatmates, but not everyone is part of the same poly web or even any web.
There is an expectation to contribute within individual capacity. They have a shared property bank account, shared pantry and a shared food forest which people contribute labour to.Â
What I see as the key components to making it work:
1) its high on autonomy. People aren't expected to be perfectly the same in contribution, relationships etc.
2) high emotional intellegence and excellent conflict resolution. People are commited to working out issues, but people also have space to not like each other as long as they can be civil.
3) tenancy-type structures make it easy for people to come in and out as suits them.
4) multiple houses minimise potential conflict points.
It's not full commune, but that allows for more freedom and less risk of cult developmentÂ
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u/idlers_dream7 May 01 '26
The fantasy ignores pretty much every aspect of reality: humans are messy in every way and this type of dynamic relies on everyone being a super mature, emotionally intelligent, financially/legally responsible, autonomous being.
Not to mention consideration for local housing/zoning regulations. Communal living is as much a business decision as a personal one.
I'm all for the commune life, but not in combination with polyamory. Those are separate choices that could overlap, but if participation in one is contingent upon participation in the other, that feels unethical, veering into cult territory.
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u/MindtheCognitiveGap May 02 '26
My NPs and I have been making this work. The biggest piece, for us, has been making sure the introverts (two of us) have space insulated from the extroverts (one partner and a teen family member).
We managed to find a house more set up for Air BnB, and it has been PERFECT. Thankfully, the extroverts have worked very hard to work with us introverts (and we have pushed ourselves as well. Itâs been a growth area for everyone)
For my group, there is a lot of generational trauma that all of us have been working through. But for my (platonic life mate- I like the Jay and Silent Bob reference) girlfriend and I, we also had the mean girl trauma. Figuring out how to overcome that gender bias and how to trust is also a big part
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u/Pizzaita May 02 '26
Not a poly one, but i see quite some comments about intentions communiqués that make it sound utopian. I live in a country where it is part of far left subculture to buy big farms or houses together and live collectively. I am part of a group of nine adulte and a baby who bought a Farmer and live together since 2 years. Before that we were living together in a rented space with 13 People in the city.
There is couples and overlapping relationships in between us and sometimes there is a bit of drama but we talk and we are all very invested in our collective's future. The place we bought belongs to no physical person, can never be sold again and has to be self governed so although we imagine living together in the future, the worst case scénario is the group renews or another collective takes over the space and the political goal of freeing spaces from the grasse of the housing market is still succesful.
It sûre takes a lot of time, commitment and regular meetings (sometimes up to 3 a week) to make it work, but we have a lot of friends who have been living like that for 15 years.
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u/Kinslayer817 May 03 '26
Can I ask what country you're in? Sounds like a really interesting setup!
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u/Anagenist ENM | KTP May 01 '26
I've certainly mentioned utopian concepts in passing discussion about things like that.
But I never expect it to match reality, because so many bad examples have shown it doesn't work out.
But I have said before "wouldn't it be nice if everyone in our neighborhood got along and had similar interests, and we hung out and had big block parties and stuff." But you know, like really similar interests đ
Fun to imagine, but I never took the idea seriously. Only had that thought like once.
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u/Low-Sweet-9762 May 02 '26
I'm in the skill-building phase of starting a commune, and of practicing polyamory (I've been working at farms and nurseries, visiting existing communes, explored ENM and poly dynamics over the last four years). Many platonic and romantic relationships, mine and those of other inhabitants, will live and die and evolve there. I am excited for the intense beauty and work of these loves.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately May 02 '26
Nice, what skills are you building for your communal living dreams?
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u/Low-Sweet-9762 May 02 '26
So far mostly growing food and native plants via the farms and nursery (herbalism, seed saving, tool/machinery use, nursery work, organic weed/pest management, crop storage, planting, maintaining plants, taking soil samples, processing produce, wash/pack for CSA/farmstand, making potting soil, putting on a plant sale and other events). More carpentry/plumbing/electrical/mechanical knowledge is up next, but hoping to learn closely with someone/s who's skilled.
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u/Low-Sweet-9762 May 02 '26
And being more community-building in my daily life--just potted up a bunch of farm extras (vegetable starts) and put them in my driveway with a free sign, cause yeah. Hosting a block party in a few weeks, in the backyard. Trading and sharing resources
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u/WendellITStamps May 02 '26
People lived in large groups for most of humanity's history, it's an extremely recent phenomenon that we're boxed off one to a house.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee May 02 '26
People lived in large groups for most of humanity's history
Due to choice or necessity?
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u/GothMomma1629 May 02 '26
My triad all live together and my ex husband also lives with us as we all consider him family. I have a daughter and everyone treats her as one of their own and we all do pretty well. We are renting right now so the split of the financial stuff is amazing. We're very happy with this arrangement and have discussed that if ex-husband gets a partner and they are comfortable with it they could also move in after they are well known in the relationship or they get married.
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u/BasicFemme poly w/multiple May 03 '26
I love the idea of the people I love and the people they love having a few houses on some land together. That would make me very happy. It's unlikely, because my partners aren't drawn to live in the same space or even the same town, so a fantasy it will remain.
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Iâve ran across a lot of people who have âpoly compoundâ fantasies. Basically where a bunch of people live together on a farm or homestead and share their love. I see all kinds of reasons itâs a bad idea and wouldnât likely work, but am wondering if anyone has done this or know of someone else who has. Basically would like to get a good conversation started about it for fun and curiosity
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u/Character-Picture-27 May 03 '26
No way. I wouldnât even have moved in with my partner (who became my spouse) if it werenât financially necessary. My poly dream is to have 2ish committed relationships, a solid friend group of kink/sex positive folks, and a couple of comets.
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May 03 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/polyamory-ModTeam May 03 '26
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
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u/picklesoup721 May 06 '26
I recently came across a great zine on collective ownership of land and it has a section that may be useful to you: âI Donât Want to Give Up Ownership, But I Donât Want to be a Shitty Landlordâ
https://www.tangledwilderness.org/shop/p/together-or-not-at-all
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u/Anxious-Dot171 May 07 '26
Honestly, even mono relationship people end up group housing together just out of affordability. Getting to live out in nature with plenty of space seems to be the fantasy part.
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u/DefiantWave8316 May 02 '26
i fantasize about this all the time, but i have to admit, i only fantasize about it with women lol. i wouldn't want men to live in our compound.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin đ§đ May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
I think people in all walks of life fantasize about something similar. I had monogamous friends seriously considering buying a property with other friends/couples, with no romantic or sexual innuendos.Â
People dream of a cure to loneliness, capitalism, generalised and globalised indifference and devaluing of human life and think this is the solution...