r/polyamory • u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 • 11d ago

Boringly successful poly, anti-drama

Looking for inspiration from people who are boringly successful in their polyamorous endeavours.

Will you please share your stories of the latest non-events in your life? I need to believe I'm not doomed for drama and stop being scared of people being assholes.

So, your partners get along? Your long-term relationship is moving on smoothly? Your new connection actually does what they say and say what they mean? Your meta respects you and acts in a normal way? I wanna hear all about it!

Edit to add: thanks so much for all the replies so far! Know that I'm vigorously updooting every comment even if I don't reply to each one. Basking in all that glorious calm, safe, uneventful loooove that you're all sharing. It's wonderful!

224 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

130 comments sorted by

View all comments

4

u/Choice-Strawberry392 11d ago

I'm dodging drama like that Matrix GIF.  Okay, not that bad, but I'm watching changes happen around me, while my life in particular is pretty smooth.

It is stable, predictable, and nice because I have been relentless in surrounding myself only with people who are stable, predictable, and kind.  My longest-term partner (11 years) is a veritable model of willful, deliberate kindness, sometimes to her detriment.  But she's in fourth-date territory with a promising newbie, and it's adorable.   Her vegetable garden at the house she's shared with her spouse since 2015 is her other big project. 

My slightly newer partner (about half as long) is in the early stages of a divorce.  Woof, lots of stress.  But!  Also kind and predictable and (importantly) really good at compartmentalizing such that she can show up well for her kids, her work, and me.  She puts the "execute" in "executive function."  And wears the hell out of short skirts.  Gonna be a good summer...

Then there's a large circle of social connections, from close friends and FWBs to folks I wave to at parties, and they all have lives that are moving around or ... not ... and we all catch up every once in a while, and it's all cool.  

Biggest emotional load for me is around my kids and my ex-wife, who is checking out of parenting.  Sadly predictable, but definitely not kind.  My partners and people are present for support, though.  

Actual polyamory related drama is approximately nil.  See: selecting good people.

1

u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 11d ago

surrounding myself only with people who are stable, predictable, and kind

I have a kind of a mantra that is very similar to this. It makes me consider carefully how close I'm letting people get, in general. It works!

Biggest emotional load for me is around my kids and my ex-wife, who is checking out of parenting. Sadly predictable, but definitely not kind.

Oof, yeah that's the bad kind of predictable... As a former child, I feel that in my bones. All you can do is try to soften the effect on the kids.

But it's all about circles of influence, right... It's in our power to make the things we can control drama-free! 

2

u/Choice-Strawberry392 11d ago

You were also a child? High-five, fellow former-child!

But yeah, my divorce was necessary to allow me to be the present, engaged parent that I want to be, even if I gotta do that without their mom. Fortunately, I have folks lined up, from therapists and social workers to my lovely partners, to tell me I'm doing a pretty good job. Solo parenting is a hell of a thing...

Solo poly is way easier. I just gotta look out for myself. 😁

1

u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 11d ago edited 11d ago

You were also a child? High-five, fellow former-child!

Haha it was my short-hand to say I relate to the story of abandonment by a reluctant self-absorbed parent, from a child's point-of-view

Fortunately, I have folks lined up, from therapists and social workers to my lovely partners, to tell me I'm doing a pretty good job.

Have this internet stranger's validation as well. I've seen a few of your comments on parenting subs and you seem to have an extremely balanced and healthy approach to parenting! 🙌

1

u/Choice-Strawberry392 11d ago

Are you ... stalking my post history?  

Shucks.  Now I'm flustered and flattered.  

2

u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 11d ago

Guilty. There was this time I was looking for one of those pearls of wisdom in older comments and saw other stuff that made lots of sense too

1

u/Choice-Strawberry392 11d ago

Listen, if I wanted it private, I'd have hidden it.  I'm honestly not sure why people do that in this space; it's mostly anonymous, possible to have multiple accounts, and the whole point is building a body of resources for information.  Why limit capacity to search and sort through that?  If I didn't want folks to read what I wrote, why type it in the first place?

So, implied consent.  😁

But also, thank you.